Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  ‘Do you think we could get you in the wheelchair?’

  Archie nodded, obviously willing to try. It took them a couple of minutes of manoeuvring to get him up and in. Nick winced every time they jolted Archie’s arm. But finally they were in, and Nick wheeled Archie ever so carefully over to the makeshift shelter he had made. The tarp formed a shape just like the top of a house, and they could be safe and dry underneath, while the rain ran off down the sides.

  ‘Nice work, lad.’ Archie nodded approvingly. Nick tied up the injured arm in a sling, and then wrapped the foil blankets carefully around him. It wasn’t a particularly cold day, but he knew how fast someone could lose body heat when they weren’t moving around. He silently thanked his first aid training.

  Rooting around in his rucksack, he found his emergency plastic bag that he always kept in there because he always forgot to take one with him shopping. Spreading it out, he settled himself on the ground beside Archie’s wheelchair. And he had found something else in his bag that he had forgotten about.

  He held up the two muffins that he had bought from the cafe in case he got hungry. ‘Chocolate or blueberry?’

  They munched in silence for a while, listening to the steady beat of the rain drumming on the green fabric surface above them. ‘I’m really sorry about what happened.’ Nick felt he had to apologise.

  Archie waved his good arm. ‘Don’t worry, lad. These things happen. I’ve been in worse situations.’ He finished his last bit of muffin, carefully brushing a few dropped crumbs from his lap. ‘There was the time I fell off a cliff face and broke both arms. Had to get someone to feed me for six weeks.’

  Nick smiled, thinking of the old man, in his younger days, tramping up and down lofty peaks. ‘I miss the mountains.’

  He felt a hand descend onto his head, and a gentle movement tousled his hair. ‘You just need to decide what’s most important in your life, lad. Don’t get stuck in this money trap.’

  Nick’s shoulders slumped. ‘That’s so easy to say, but so hard to do.’

  This time a finger reached under his chin and gently lifted it until he was staring right into Archie’s eyes. ‘You’ll know when the call hits you, lad.’ Bright blue eyes peered intensely at him out of the wrinkled face. ‘But also don’t forget things can change. What you need at one point in your life might not be the same some other time. Look at me. Twenty years ago I couldn’t have thought of leaving the mountains. Now I’m really happy to be close to our Maisie and the family. You just have to listen to your heart, lad.’

  Nick considered this for a couple of minutes. He had been so tied up in everything that he hadn’t stopped to think about what he really wanted. Hadn’t thought that there might be another way to stay at home. But then come to think of it, did he really want to stay at home? Or did he want to strike off on his own and make his own mark?

  And what did his heart truly want? He tried to ask himself that question, reached into the depths of the dark pool that lay there. And the first thing that came out was Jade. He hadn’t realised until that very moment how much she meant to him as a friend. It was something to do with her smile, and her badass but caring attitude to her life. And how she made him feel as if he could find a way to solve his problems. She was pretty special.

  Nick let out a sigh of relief as he saw the two paramedics coming towards them across the grass. They wore sturdy waterproofs and seemed well-prepared for the weather.

  ‘Great day for a camping holiday, eh, lads?’ one of them joked.

  Jade made her way through the entrance doors to the hospital, Lily on her arm. The other woman had insisted on coming after they had dropped everyone off at the home, and she hadn’t had the heart to put her off. They had left the others having the missed picnic in the communal sitting room. Jade’s dad had dropped them off at the hospital, promising to come and pick them up later. The two of them had eaten their sandwiches in the car on the way over. Nick had messaged her to say that Archie was OK, but that he thought his arm might be broken.

  Jade had pretty much forgotten what the building looked like inside. The last time she had been in the place she had been so focused on Ruby and what was happening to her that she hadn’t really registered anything else. But it all came back to her as they came through the doors. A huge atrium rose five or six floors high in the middle of the building, with glass set in the roof to let in natural light. There were a couple of cafes, and even a small supermarket. Tables and chairs were dotted around for people to sit on. The walls were painted in warm colours instead of unrelenting white. Despite the massive size of the place, it almost felt cosy.

  Scanning the area, she saw Nick sitting at one of the tables. He waved a hand when he saw them.

  ‘They think it’s a broken arm.’ He greeted them as they sat down not with a hello but with the news they both really wanted to know. ‘But they’re checking his head out too in case he hit it in the fall. They were talking about maybe keeping him in overnight just in case.’ He leaned back in his chair, wrapping his arms around him. ‘They chucked me out while they were doing all the tests and stuff. It’ll be another hour or so.’

  Jade leaned over and twisted his wrist so she could see his watch. His skin felt slightly chilly, and she remembered that he must have missed his lunch.

  ‘I’ll get everyone a brew.’ She rose from the table and walked towards one of the cafés. The prices made her wince slightly, but she took three cups of tea, and picked up a sandwich for Nick. He looked at her gratefully when she slid it across the table and it disappeared in a couple of bites.

  ‘Thanks. I kind of forgot about food what with everything else. Did you guys get back OK?’

  Jade nodded. ‘Everyone got a bit damp, but there was no harm done.’ She rubbed her upper arms. ‘That’s the last time I push a wheelchair that far though. It’s better than a workout at the gym.’

  ‘Better than a yoga class?’ His teasing gaze had also more than a hint of tenderness in it, as if he knew she was purposely trying to lighten the mood, and happy to go along with it. Jade could tell that Nick felt guilty about what had happened, although he didn’t say anything.

  Finally Nick looked at his watch. ‘I think we should head on up and see what’s happening.’

  They made their way towards the lifts and stepped inside the sleek shiny metal box. Jade was glad for the pressure of Lily’s hand on her elbow. It anchored her into the present, for which she was very grateful. She knew what guilt felt like. Guilt about leaving her sister on her own that night. Guilt about forgetting her phone at home. Guilt about–

  Lily’s gentle squeeze on her arm interrupted her thoughts and Jade took a couple of deep breaths. This was all about Archie. She should leave the past in the past right now.

  Archie was in good spirits when they finally got to see him, although slightly disgruntled about being kept in overnight. Nick looked slightly happier when he saw him. But Jade was still unsettled. The room he was in looked almost exactly the same as the one her sister had been in. She hadn’t thought about the fact that they would probably all be the same.

  ‘Look, why don’t you two young ones get yourself off, and I’ll stay with Archie?’ Lily had probably picked up on her unease, Jade thought ruefully.

  ‘Sounds like a good idea.’ Jade found herself agreeing. ‘We can take the bus back into town. Dad can give you a pick up later.’

  She looked at Nick. ‘What do you think?’

  The rain had finally stopped by the time Nick and Jade got into the centre of the city.

  ‘Archie said he wouldn’t go to a musical even if we paid him, so we don’t really need you next time.’ Jade laughed.

  Nick smiled down at her, happy to just have her walking beside him. ‘That’s OK. Musicals aren’t really my thing either. But I will miss seeing you. And Lily and the man himself.’

  ‘You know you can visit any time. I think Archie would love to have you come to see him. And you’ve got an excuse now that he’s an invalid.’ J
ade looped an arm round his in a friendly fashion.

  Her gesture suddenly reminded Nick of something. ‘Wait.’ He stopped. ‘The hug. We didn’t do it.’

  Jade released his arm as if it suddenly burned her. ‘You did. Lily gave you a hug when we left.’

  Nick shook his head. ‘That was half an arm and a peck on the cheek. You said a proper hug.’

  Jade rolled her eyes and gave a rueful half-smile, as if she knew she had been beaten. She held out her arms. ‘Go on then. If you really have to.’

  Nick opened his own and wrapped them around her, pulling her close. Her head fit perfectly under his chin. He could smell that faint scent again in her hair. He took a deep breath and let it out, feeling his shoulders relax. She felt so good. He never wanted to let her go. He felt her give a similar sigh, and she leaned against him, her head on his chest. He so desperately wanted to freeze that moment forever in time. But he couldn’t. So he was the first one to start to pull away. But somehow, his hands refused to let go of her.

  She looked up at him, a small smile on her face. ‘You give pretty good hugs.’ Her hands were still resting on his hips, as if they didn’t quite want to let go either.

  He looked at her, standing there so close to him. Do it, his body said. He bent his head towards her. She tilted her face up to meet his. Their lips touched, ever so gently.

  Suddenly Jade pulled away, arms clamped by her sides. ‘I’m really sorry, Nick. I just can’t do this.’ Her face had bloomed a brilliant red. ‘I’m so sorry. I just–’ She backed away a few paces, then turned and ran.

  Nick was still lost in the feel of her soft lips on his, and the sudden change felt like a foothold disappearing on a cliff face he had thought would hold him. It took him precious seconds to regain his stability, and by the time he recovered she had disappeared.

  Nick ruffled his hair with one hand. You really screwed it up there, mate. But he wasn’t sure what had happened. He hadn’t imagined her movement towards him. In that moment she had wanted the kiss just as much as he had. So how had everything changed?

  He would phone her. Speak with her directly and talk things through. He couldn’t give up. Not when he had only just found her. He trudged wearily towards home, deflated but determined. They would sort this out. He would call her this evening.

  Jade walked through the streets, not really caring where she went. In the films when this sort of thing happened then it was always raining, but the sky stubbornly refused to reflect her mood. The day had finally cleared up, and fluffy white clouds raced through the sky. She glared at them. They were ruining everything.

  She sighed. She was the one who had ruined everything. Clinging onto Nick like an idiot. And then, going in for that kiss. What had she been thinking? No better way to ruin a friendship than that.

  She stomped onwards, barely noticing that she had turned onto the canal and the path was now gravel under her feet.

  Why had she run away like that? He must think she was a total nutcase. But the truth was she had been afraid. Scared of her response to him. When he had put his arms around her it had felt like all her troubles had been smoothed away. And the kiss … even the brief touch of his lips had woken things in her she had never felt before. Sure, she was no virgin, but she was in no sense of the word experienced in this sort of stuff.

  Flinging herself down on a black metal bench, she stared at the water. Feelings hurt.

  The path was busy now the sun was out. Lots of cyclists, and people pushing prams. Having a good time together. She suddenly wished she could speak to Lily. But she knew what the other woman would say. She would tell her to go for it. To not be afraid. To fall in love. But it wasn’t the love she was worried about, it was the loss on the other side of it.

  A pair of graceful swans swam by, followed by two smaller brown cygnets. She felt like that most days. Serene on the surface, but desperately pedalling underneath to keep up.

  She sat for a while longer, letting the sunshine warm her face. Her hand brushed against her phone in her pocket, and she pulled it out. Given where the blue dot said she was, it was time to make tracks for home. It was much further than she had intended to come. She didn’t want her mother to worry.

  Jade could hear the TV on when she opened the front door but didn’t bother going in to the sitting room. She climbed slowly up the stairs and lay down on her bed, staring over at the other single bed on the far side of the room. Her parents had offered to take out Ruby’s bed, but Jade had said no, wanting to keep at least something that reminded her of the times that she and Ruby had shared. They had always been close. When her baby sister had been put carefully into her arms when she was only four years old, Jade had known that they would always be friends. Even when Jade had met Carina and the two girls became inseparable, Ruby had always come along with them on their adventures, like a sort of mini shadow.

  She heard a creak on the stairs, and seconds later her mother opened the door. Jade smiled up at her as she came to sit on the bed beside her.

  Her mother smoothed a hand over Jade’s hair. ‘Everything OK?’

  Jade grimaced. ‘Depends.’ She told her about what had happened with Nick.

  Her mother said nothing, just put her arms around her, and held her tightly while Jade cried hot tears.

  Pulling away, Jade reached for a tissue. ‘I was just thinking about Ruby’s bed.’ She blew her nose loudly.

  Her mother looked at her, expression unreadable. ‘You want your dad to take us shopping next week?’

  As ever, Jade was grateful that she didn’t have to put things in words. She hugged the other woman tightly, resting her head on the soft wool shoulder. ‘That would be great, Mum. Let’s do it.’

  She slept early, exhausted by the day’s events, and her dreams were jumbled and confused. She was woken by the sun poking through the window, and a smile crossed her face before she remembered what had happened the day before. She should send Nick a message, she thought. It wasn’t his fault things had turned out the way they had. Well, not his alone. They would have to sort things out between them. Or, just agree to call it a day and go their separate ways.

  She finally found her bag under the desk where she had flung it the night before. And when she pulled it out there was a missed call from Nick. And a voicemail message. Her heart beat faster as she sat down on the bed and pressed the button to play it.

  ‘Hey Jade.’ He paused, and it was if she could sense his hesitation. ‘I – um – Sorry for what happened today. It was out of order and I’m sorry. I would never do anything to hurt you.’ There was another pause. ‘Just, er, give me a call when you get this. I just want to know that you’re OK. As a friend.’

  Shame swept through Jade’s body in a hot flush that left her face burning. He cared about her. As a friend. And she had just run off and left him last night without a word of explanation. Of course, he would be worried.

  But, she thought, drawing her legs up and hugging them to her, she didn’t know if she wanted to be friends any more. She had to admit that she wanted more. She wanted to feel his arms around him again. It was just …

  She had to be brave and say what was on her mind. ‘You’re worried about losing him just like you did with Ruby.’ She said it out loud to the empty room, wishing desperately that Ruby was there. The two girls had often snuggled up in bed together, talking about their plans for the future, or commiserating about a tough day at school. But what was the quote? Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand years as a sheep? That was Mussolini though, and look what happened to him. The sudden humour made her grin and hug herself again, and she quickly typed out a message to Nick before she could change her mind.

  I’m OK. Thanks for caring about me.

  Her stomach rumbled. Time for breakfast. And then time for work. Things would sort themselves out. All she had to do was deal with one thing at a time.

  Her phone beeped when she was half way through breakfast.

  Glad you’re OK. Have a good d
ay at work. Drive some cars for me.

  She caught herself smiling, and when she looked up and found her mother’s eyes on her then she blushed. You are so screwed, she told herself.

  I’ll be lucky, she sent back.

  She had just finished dressing for work – black jeans, company sweatshirt – when another message came through.

  I feel like I got lucky last night. But if you want then we can just be friends.

  Jade blew out a breath. Here he was, offering her a get out. She should take it. Take them both back to a safer place. At least, until they had a chance to get to know each other. But then, wouldn’t being friends be just as bad? If she lost him? Was it not just better just not to get close at all?

  She was still considering this as she slung her bag over her shoulder. It was like having two boxes to choose from. One box, she knew what was inside. Her current life. Predictable but safe. The other box, she hadn’t opened yet. It could hold wonderful treasures, or it could be full of shit. But the trouble was, she wouldn’t know until she opened it.

  By the time she got through to her break at work she still hadn’t made up her mind but knew that not replying would seem as if she didn’t care.

  It was a bit unexpected. I just need a bit of space. Just a lot going on in my life right now. Her fingers trembled as she typed. What happened if he got pissed off at her?

  She stared at the screen for a couple of minutes, waiting for the signal that would mean he was typing a reply. But nothing happened. Swearing under her breath, she put the phone away and firmly went to concentrate on giving other people a good time.

  But by the time she finished work there was another message waiting and it was so not what she had been expecting that it actually made her laugh out loud.

  Sorry not to reply sooner, I went out for a walk. Beautiful day. At least tell me what the next thing is on the list. You can’t leave me hanging on that …