Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  She smiled as she read it again.

  Read a good book, she typed back.

  The reply came back with lightning speed. Is that it?

  What do you mean, is that it?

  It doesn’t sound very inspiring.

  Maybe you’ve been reading the wrong books.

  There was a pause before the next message came back. TBH I haven’t read many books at all.

  Another person who didn’t read. How did they live? How could they not see how much it enriched their lives? She rolled her eyes.

  It’s never too late to start.

  So what would you recommend?

  Jade had reached home by this point. She kicked off her shoes and gently placed them in the rack by the door. Her dad was in the sitting room, watching the roundup of the day’s football in his favourite chair.

  ‘Where’s Mum?’ She gave him a quick kiss on the top of his head and threw herself on the couch.

  ‘Out having a drink with some friends.’

  ‘Really? On a Sunday night?’ Jade was surprised. Her mum hadn’t been out for ages. And definitely not on a Sunday.

  Her dad shrugged. ‘Well, it was supposed to just be a shopping trip into town, but she texted me about four to say they were just going for drink. I haven’t heard from her since.’ His tone sounded morose, but Jade knew he was actually really happy about it.

  Swinging her legs up onto the couch, she considered Nick’s question. She could just recommend him some of her favourites, but he might not actually like them. Knowing how keen he was on the outdoors, he’d be more likely to enjoy some desperate tale of Arctic adventures. Although he might also like the sci-fi she loved so much. She mused for a few minutes, wondering what to write. Then a better idea struck her.

  Go and check out your local library and get them to give you some recommendations.

  A few minutes later another message came through. Going in my lunch break tomorrow. Wish me luck.

  ‘What are you smirking at?’ She looked up to find her dad looking at her quizzically.

  She shook her head, knowing she was smirking as she did so. ‘Nothing.’

  Chapter 8

  Nick rubbed a hand across his forehead. How an office could feel both cold and stifling he didn’t know. The air conditioning units above him wafted out stale air, but that was nothing new. Maybe it was the new deodorant from the guy across the desk, which seemed to have an invasive personality all of its own.

  His hand went unconsciously to the window right next to him, before he remembered that they wouldn’t open. Well, technically they did open, but it wasn’t allowed. Small red stickers on each window announced the health and safety concerns. Nick knew that the double set of windows helped to retain heat in the old building during the winter months, and for that he was very grateful, but they made the outside seem even further away.

  ‘Yeah, pity about the windows.’ An extra waft of deodorant rolled over as the other man leaned forward to speak. Nick jumped guiltily. He shouldn’t just sit here dreaming. He should be working.

  ‘I don’t know, maybe it’s a good thing.’ Someone else from further down the office took up the banter. This often happened; a chance remark sparked off a whole round of discussion and joking. Nick smiled. They were often quite funny, providing he wasn’t the target. No matter what other feelings he had about his colleagues, he had to admit they were quick on the uptake.

  ‘What d’you mean?’ Nick couldn’t see who had said that.

  ‘Well, you wouldn’t want anyone jumping out, would you?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let ’em, I say. If that’s what they want to do. I’m not going to stop someone committing suicide if that’s how they want to go.’

  ‘Yeah. Selfish gits. Taking the easy way out. Jacking it all in while the rest of us have to sit here and work for a living.’ There was a wave of laughter.

  Nick realised he was shaking. He gripped the edge of his keyboard to still the movement. He had a sudden memory of the day on the bridge. How hard it had been to make that decision, knowing full well the implications of what he was doing. Not an easy way out at all.

  His stomach twisted, and for a few seconds he thought he was going to throw up. Desperate, he looked at his watch. Eleven thirty. He could take an early lunch. Get some fresh air. Go for a walk along the river like he normally did.

  Then he remembered that he was supposed to be going to the library.

  For one moment he considered skipping it. The thought of spending his lunch break in a musty old library, shut away from the fresh air again, was almost too much for him. But then, the library was only a five-minute walk from the office, so it wouldn’t take him long. And how hard could it be? Go in, pick up a book, walk out. He’d brought all the things he needed to join.

  But when he finally got to the place, it was much bigger than he had expected. Rows upon rows of books. And then he got his second surprise. Instead of a kindly white-haired lady with glasses, there was a young girl at the front desk. With a nose ring. And loads of tattoos. She didn’t even look grown up, but Nick wasn’t going to jump to conclusions about someone’s age a second time around.

  ‘Is it possible to join the library?’ Nick almost didn’t know if she should ask her.

  The girl looked at him. ‘Sure. Sean!’ She yelled into the back. ‘Customer!’

  The rule of silence in libraries obviously didn’t apply any more either, Nick thought. Although it did seem very peaceful in here. It would be a nice place to come and sit. Large comfy chairs were dotted around, and there was a kids’ corner with tiny chairs and toys.

  ‘Sorry, I can’t do registrations yet.’ The girl seemed to feel like she had to explain herself. ‘I’m just here for a week on work experience. As part of my course.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’ Nick replied as another man joined them on the front desk.

  ‘Can I help you?’ Sean wasn’t old or grey-haired either, maybe only a few years older than Nick. In actual fact, he looked pretty hench and like he spent quite a bit of time outdoors.

  It only took two minutes for them to take Nick’s details and produce a library card, even though the girl did it under Sean’s instruction.

  ‘Ten books at a time, for three weeks each.’ Sean waved his hands. ‘DVDs are a bit different, so if you think you might want to borrow any of those then I can take you through the rules.’

  ‘I think books’ll be fine for now, thanks.’ Nick was sure that DVDs wouldn’t count with Jade. ‘Could you recommend anything?’

  ‘Hm.’ Sean stroked his carefully trimmed beard. ‘Hm.’

  ‘Sean won’t admit it, but at least ninety percent of the books in here are not his thing.’ The girl spoke up. ‘He doesn’t read crime, romance, or any kind of genre fiction really.’

  ‘Shush, Charlotte, you’ll get me fired for comments like that.’ Sean winked at her. Then he looked back at Nick. ‘What sort of books do you generally like to read?’

  Nick felt himself growing warm. ‘Well, I can’t say I’ve read much at all really.’

  ‘Brilliant, we’ve got ourselves another book virgin.’ Although Charlotte’s tone didn’t sound like she thought it was a bad thing. More like a win, to get him even as far as joining the library.

  ‘Shush, you, you’ll get yourself fired for comments like that.’ Sean wagged a finger at her. The two of them laughed, and Nick couldn’t help joining in.

  ‘So, what would you recommend for a book virgin like me?’

  Sean stroked his beard again, considering, but it was Charlotte who spoke. ‘What do you like to do in your free time?’

  ‘Mountains.’ The word tumbled out before Nick even had time to think.

  Charlotte shrugged, as if mountains were for crazy people. ‘That’s your area, Sean. You’re always going on about them. I’ll stay here. You show him around.’

  Sean led him off up one of the aisles. ‘We’ve got a whole shelf on Arctic adventures if you think you might like to try one
of those.’ He stopped, looking along an upper shelf, then pulled out a book and handed it across. ‘You’ll have seen the film about Shackleton, but the book is pretty compelling.’ He looked at Nick. ‘What about some fiction?’

  Nick shrugged. ‘Whatever you think.’

  Sean considered for a moment. ‘Well, there’s a lot of books which are sort of action or crime, or both. I’m not that keen on them, but they’re usually an easy read, and pretty exciting.’

  He took Nick down another aisle and pulled out a book. ‘Here you go. That’s probably one of the better ones. Local author actually. First one in a series, so if you like it there’s plenty more where that came from.’ He pulled out another one from further along. ‘This one’s not bad either.’

  He handed the books across. ‘That’ll get you started. Feel free to have bit more of a browse and pick up anything which looks interesting.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Nick balanced the books under one arm. ‘Really appreciate your help.’

  ‘No problem.’ Sean disappeared round the end of the shelf.

  Conscious of time, Nick just spent a couple more minutes browsing the fiction shelves. The shelves headed ‘Scottish authors’ looked a bit more eclectic. And in the next aisle was the start of the non-fiction section, which was quite impressive. He picked out a couple more Scottish writers, and a book on Norway. It was somewhere he had always wanted to go.

  By now his arms were beginning to protest about carrying the weight, and he took them back to the desk, thankful that he had brought his rucksack. Charlotte scanned them through for him and wished him all the best. ‘I won’t be here when you come back,’ she said. ‘But Sean will. So don’t be afraid to ask for any help. All the people in here are really lovely.’

  ‘Good luck with your course.’ Nick waved to her as he left.

  All that afternoon the books felt like they were burning a hole through his bag. He hardly noticed what he was doing, or the people around him. He would get a takeaway, he decided and sit and read as he ate. Carefully though. If he damaged a library book then Jade would probably disown him.

  Jade. He missed her so much. But really, it was probably only because of how lonely he was in Glasgow. He missed the tightly-knit circle of friends that he had built up back home. Especially Jamie. Working together for those twelve months had been a blast.

  And he was worried. Maybe he was only attracted to Jade because she was nice to him. Maybe he was just so desperate for human contact that he was throwing himself at any little crumb of kindness that came his way.

  He sent Jade a picture of the book before he opened it. He didn’t expect an immediate reply, because he knew she’d be working. But he wanted to share with her the momentous occasion.

  Nick ate, book propped up at first against a tin of tomatoes, but as he got deeper into the story he abandoned the tin and grasped the book in his left hand while he ate with his right. It was only when the fork that he lifted to his mouth came up empty that he realised that his curry was gone and he was already a hundred pages in. He dumped the plate in the sink and retired to the sofa, book now more comfortable in both hands. And it was only when his eyes started complaining that he lifted his head and looked at the time. He had been reading for more than two hours.

  And suddenly he realised why Jade had put reading books on the list. For the last two hours, he had not been in Glasgow, but in America. It was totally different from watching a film on a screen. Instead of watching the characters, he had been the characters – well, the lead character anyway – living his struggles and fighting his enemies.

  It was still light, but that didn’t mean anything. This time of year, it didn’t get dark until late. He checked his watch. There was still time to go for a run. And he would definitely go and visit Archie after work tomorrow.

  When he got back from his run there was a text from Jade. Interesting choice.

  Want to meet up to discuss it? He barely dared to breathe as he waited for the reply.

  You got me. Never can resist talking about books. Yoga and brunch again on Saturday? It was followed by a combination of emojis that included prayer hands, food and a muscly arm.

  Nick pumped his own fist in the air and went for a shower.

  Chapter 9

  ‘I have this theory about books,’ Jade said, her mouth still half-full of toast. She was enjoying her usual favourite, while Nick went all out on a cooked breakfast. ‘There are people who are good at writing, and there are people who are good at crafting storylines, and they don’t necessarily go together.’

  ‘Hm.’ Nick considered this idea while he munched on a piece of black pudding. ‘So what would you classify my book under?’

  Jade thought for a moment. She didn’t really like the book that much herself, but didn’t want to be too scathing, as Nick had obviously enjoyed it. ‘Your guy, I think he’s really good at writing words. I mean, I do get the sense of really being there. All the sounds and smells and stuff.’

  Nick nodded. ‘Yeah. I felt that. And I’ve never even been to America.’

  Jade took another bit of toast, and chewed it slowly, considering. ‘But I thought that his storylines were a bit far-fetched sometimes. That bit where he walks into the bar and those two guys he knows from years ago just happen to be in there? That seemed a bit incredible.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Nick nodded. ‘I thought that at first. But then, if that didn’t happen, there wouldn’t have been a story.’

  Sound logic, Jade thought. ‘It still seems pretty improbable.’

  Nick pointed his fork at her. ‘Well, it is his twelfth book. Maybe he ran out of good ideas.’

  The topic devolved into a discussion about writers of series, and which ones had managed to keep up the quality. Nick’s claim of not being much of a reader wasn’t entirely true, Jade found. He had read a lot of crime when he was younger, books stolen from his mother’s collection.

  ‘I only read them because they were full of gruesome details and sex,’ Nick admitted. ‘You know what teenage boys are like. My parents never let me play computer games when I was growing up so I had to at least do something with my time. There’s lots of variation in the quality of those books though.’ He had finished his food by this time and was slowly sipping from a cappuccino.

  ‘You know, I had you pegged as more of an espresso man,’ Jade said.

  Nick raised one eyebrow with a smile. ‘What, smooth, dark, and sexy?’

  Jade laughed, but she felt herself growing slightly warm as she thought about it. He was sexy, especially engrossed in conversation about a topic he was interested in. ‘Didn’t you have a double one last time?’

  Nick nodded. ‘I’ve been trying to stay off the coffee recently. Caffeine really isn’t good for me. This is just a bit of a treat today.’

  He tipped his drink to her. ‘Going back to that book … the way we met was quite a coincidence.’

  ‘What made you go there that day?’ Jade found the words slipping out before she even thought about it.

  Nick toyed with his cup. ‘I can’t say I’m proud of it. I just didn’t think there was anything left to live for.’ He picked up his teaspoon, running his fingers over it as if he was trying to polish it up. ‘That day was particularly bad. I’d had an interview for another job the previous week where a mate works with a company that does outdoor adventures for kids. They’d offered me a job, and I was so excited at the thought of finally going back to something that I really love. But then that Friday they called me to say that they didn’t need me anymore. And then, my mate texted me Friday evening saying he was sorry, but that they’d picked a friend of the boss’s son to help them out instead and that was why everything had changed.’

  He shifted in his seat, looking straight at her. ‘I didn’t sleep much that night. It just seemed to be as if the whole universe was against me. You know, just dangling that in front of me, getting my hopes up, and then taking it away. After everything else that had happened, what with the tossers at work and
the walking group, I just seemed to hit a wall.’

  ‘The walking group? What walking group?’ Jade frowned.

  ‘Oh, didn’t I tell you about that?’ Nick told her the whole story, and Jade found herself angry for him about the way he had been treated.

  ‘Bastards.’ She didn’t mince her words.

  Nick sighed. ‘Maybe. I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt though.’

  ‘I wouldn’t.’ Jade clasped her hands together angrily on the table.

  Nick put down his cup and gently separated her fingers. ‘And that’s why I like you so much.’ He squeezed her hands tenderly.

  ‘Look,’ he said, still not letting go, ‘I do like you. A lot. And if you really want to deny what’s happening between us, then we can just stay friends. But I would hate to miss out on something so special.’ His voice was low, as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear him. Not that it would have mattered; the people on either side of them were engrossed in their own conversations and definitely weren’t listening.

  His thumbs were stroking her palms now, almost unconsciously, and Jade couldn’t deny the current of attraction that was flowing through her. She squeezed his hands back before withdrawing. She had originally not wanted to get involved with Nick because she hadn’t wanted to take on his problems, but that was pointless now. She cared about him very deeply, and she couldn’t change that. But dealing with his problems as a friend was completely different from having a relationship with him. To get so close … to be the primary person in his life who would be worried how he was thinking and feeling … that was something that she didn’t know if she wanted to do. No, scrap that. It wasn’t about wanting. She honestly didn’t know if she could do it. She honestly didn’t know if she could put herself in a position again where her happiness depended on someone else’s unstable moods.

  ‘I like you a lot too, Nick.’ She found herself leaning forward across the table, as if anxious to convince him. ‘It’s just … well … we’ve only known each other a few weeks. Could we just spend a bit of time together before we jump into anything? Get to know each other a bit better?’