Dark Heart Forever

by Lee Monroe

  I moved to take hold of Luca, but he shook his head.

  ‘I can’t take you, or come back with you,’ he said sadly. ‘You can do this on your own.’

  I felt five years old again, standing at the school gate with my father. Desolate, and frightened that I would never see him again. Safety, familiarity were leaving me.

  ‘I’ll come when I can.’ Luca clasped my hands and kissed me gently on the side of my head, resting against me. ‘Close your eyes.’

  I did as I was told, but reluctantly. Sadly. Wishing myself back home.

  ‘Goodbye, Jane …’ He hesitated. ‘Take care of yourself.’

  Closing my eyes, I felt a little bit of my world cave in.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  It was nearly spring. All at once the cold air had turned dustier, flowers appeared in the woodland. The windows of the house stayed open. My mother started singing again.

  Dot and I lay across Dad’s bench, the remnants of a picnic at our feet, dozing in the sun.

  I had half an hour before Evan was coming to talk to Dad about doing some work for him. Dad’s work had picked up again and he could afford the help.

  Remembering I still had work to do for my approaching GCSEs, I sighed loudly. I had avoided schoolwork as much as possible the last couple of weeks. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything much but the flatness in my stomach. I felt deflated, as though someone had let the air out of me. Evan had been conscientiously taking me out driving, while my mother tested me on my theory. It was a distraction, but since it would be another year before I actually got to drive on my own, I had to force myself a little bit.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Mum had asked me one evening as I stared into space at the kitchen table. ‘You’re very quiet lately.’

  ‘I feel a bit flat, that’s all.’ I’d stared at the back of the book she held up. ‘I don’t know why.’

  But I did know. I knew the night I came home from the ball, arriving only an hour after I’d left, and running upstairs, tugging off my dress and stuffing it unceremoniously in the wardrobe, and climbing into bed at eight o’clock. I felt as though something had been taken from me. Something integral to my life, to me. And I was angry. With myself, with Lowe, with Luca even. Something I wanted had been held in front of me and then taken away. Just like that. Mum assumed it was something to do with Evan and I didn’t tell her otherwise. What on earth could I have said? I just stared out of the window for hours, telling myself that maybe it was for the best. That the dream had shattered. I needed to focus on real life now. I had my future to look forward to.

  And I had Evan.

  Evan was a little unpredictable and moody, but at least he only lived a couple of miles away. At least I didn’t have to sneak around to see him. I should have been grateful to be dating someone like him, who made me feel hot and flustered and shy and confident all at once. I liked his hands on me, I liked his coolness. But …

  ‘But what?’

  ‘Jane?’ Dot opened her eyes and sat up. She cocked her head to the side, observing me with a frown. ‘You’re talking to yourself.’

  ‘What?’ I grimaced. ‘God … sorry.’ I stretched out my legs, realising my jeans were too short for me.

  ‘You’re all funny these days.’ Dot snapped a leaf from the bush next to her and started shredding it with her fingers. ‘Like, moody and stuff.’ She looked sideways at me. ‘If that’s what being in love is, it’s really annoying for other people.’

  I laughed. ‘Who says I’m in love?’

  ‘You’re grouchy all the time, you don’t eat anything, and you can’t concentrate.’ Dot chucked the last of the leaf on the ground. ‘That’s what happened to Cassidy’s sister, Clare, just before she got engaged to Harry. She said being in love was awful and it gives you spots.’ Dot peered at my complexion.

  ‘Stop it.’ I shoved her lightly. ‘Maybe I am in love. I don’t know.’

  ‘You must know.’ Dot pursed her lips in concentration. ‘Do you think of Evan and get that squirmy feeling in your stomach?’

  This was true.

  ‘So.’ Dot rolled over on to her stomach. ‘Why are you sad?’

  ‘I’m not sad. I’m just … distracted I guess.’ I paused, wondering for an insane moment whether to tell Dot about Luca, about Nissilum. But telling her that vampires are not just the stuff of fiction, but real and living somewhere in another world, was plain foolish. She’d have nightmares for weeks.

  Luckily the sound of a car pulling up the track caught Dot’s attention as well as mine.

  I peeked through the trees, glimpsed the familiar dark blue of Evan’s Saab.

  ‘Evan.’ I smiled at Dot. ‘Let’s go and say hello.’

  Evan was deep in conversation with my father at the kitchen table when Dot and I walked in, but he lifted his head to smile disarmingly at me. It was extraordinary how I forgot what effect he had on me when I hadn’t seen him for a few days.

  ‘Hey, Dot.’ He reached out his hand to give her a gentle high-five. ‘How’s my favourite little sister?’

  ‘Fine.’ Dot was uncharacteristically shy, and Dad raised an eyebrow at the two of us.

  ‘Give us half an hour, girls. Then he’s all yours.’

  Evan gave me one of his looks. Slow, sexy … his mouth unsmiling and his blue eyes intense.

  ‘Come on.’ I nudged Dot’s arm. ‘Come and help me tidy my room.’

  Upstairs, Dot lounged on my bed, while I attempted to pick up the trail of clothes that had lain untouched for a few days on the floor. The wardrobe was part open, and I glimpsed the blue satin dress. Melancholy stole through me. I didn’t want to look at it. I walked across and pulled it out, clumsily reaching out for a hanger.

  ‘Ooh.’ Dot looked with interest at what I was doing. ‘That’s pretty.’ She sat up, blinking. ‘When did you wear that?’

  ‘This?’ I shrugged casually. ‘I just tried it on … It was Mum’s.’ I smoothed out the skirts, somehow reluctant to put it away now, and the movement caused something to flutter to the floor.

  The photograph.

  I had completely forgotten about the photograph. Not looking at Dot, I picked it up and put it on the top of the chest of drawers to look at later. But Dot’s eagle eyes were on it. She rolled off the bed and padded over to take a look.

  ‘It’s nothing, Dot. Leave it,’ I said a little sharply.

  She ignored me and held it up to study it.

  ‘A picture of a boy,’ she said, looking quite disappointed. ‘Why have you got this? Who is it?’

  Feeling unprepared, I snatched it from her.

  It was Raphael. He looked about fifteen in this one. The same white-blond curly hair, the perfect nose. He wasn’t smiling – in fact he looked angry, scowling into the camera, his eyes narrowed.

  I studied the picture for a few seconds longer before putting it back on top of the chest.

  ‘It must be something Mum had and has forgotten about,’ I said vaguely. ‘I’ll ask her about it …’

  Dot had lost interest thankfully. She was busy taking apart the Russian doll by my mirror. I finally got the dress on to its hanger and hung it on the outside of the wardrobe.

  ‘That’s enough tidying up for today,’ I said, looking at my unmade bed. ‘But thanks so much for your help.’ I swatted Dot over the head, just as there was a knock on the door.

  ‘OK if I come in?’ said Evan’s voice. ‘Your dad and I are done, I think.’

  Before I could speak, Dot had rushed to the bedroom door.

  Evan’s eyes widened melodramatically.

  ‘I finally get to see the Jonas bedroom …’ he said, in exaggerated awe. He stepped inside, sweeping the room: my unmade bed, the clothes piled hastily on my chair, along with the books, and trainers on the floor.

  ‘I see you haven’t had a chance to tidy up yet,’ he said, grinning at me.

  ‘We got distracted.’ I coloured slightly, willing Dot to take a hint and leave the room.

  Predic
tably, she didn’t move.

  ‘Dot,’ I said, through slightly clenched teeth, ‘don’t you have homework … or something?’

  ‘Great room,’ said Evan, walking over to the window. ‘Amazing view.’ He turned back to me. ‘I’ll bet you spend a lot of time in here, right?’

  ‘She hardly ever used to come out,’ said Dot. ‘But things are a bit different now.’ She eyed Evan.

  ‘Good.’ He patted her head. ‘Mind if I spend a bit of time alone with your sister?’

  As if by magic, Dot transformed into a model of compliance.

  ‘Of course.’ She skipped to the door. ‘Be good,’ she trilled as it shut behind her.

  I rolled my eyes, but I was laughing now and so was Evan.

  ‘She’s so sweet,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah …’ I agreed. ‘Though she drives me crazy sometimes.’

  ‘Little sisters,’ he sighed. I glanced at him, resisting the urge to say something damning about Sarah.

  Evan walked over to where I stood with my back to the window, in front of the chest of drawers. He wore all black today and he’d had a hair cut. His skin still lightly tanned even from the scant sun we’d had the past week. He smiled with his beautiful mouth, putting his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him, his hands stroking my arms. I felt myself melting, pushing my hips out to his. I nestled my head into the nape of his neck.

  ‘Are you OK, honey?’ he said softly. ‘You seem a little quiet.’

  I pulled away. ‘I’m just a bit preoccupied,’ I found myself saying. ‘With schoolwork … I have big exams coming up …’

  ‘You need me to help you?’ he asked, ruffling my hair. ‘I could test you.’ He grinned. ‘Tutor you.’

  I bashed his arm lightly. ‘I bet you would. I’m not sure I’d be able to focus … with you as my teacher.’

  ‘Maybe you need a break.’ He stroked my hair. ‘Spend some time with your boyfriend.’

  I batted away the inexplicable discomfort I felt then. ‘You’re probably right,’ I sighed, and watched his eyes wander to settle on something behind me. He frowned.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘Nothing.’ Evan smiled. ‘I just saw a bird … out of your window.’

  I turned to find nothing but the swaying treetops. ‘I don’t see it.’

  ‘It’s gone,’ he said brightly, but he let go of me and moved over to the chest, where he briefly examined his reflection in the mirror above it.

  ‘Let’s go out,’ he said, in a different kind of voice. Higher, nervy.

  ‘Evan?’ I stared at his back, catching his eye in the glass. ‘What just happened?’

  I saw his expression change, trying to relax. He rubbed at his temples and turned back to face me.

  ‘Nothing happened,’ he said dismissively. ‘You’re so sensitive.’

  I stared at him, hurt and confused. ‘I was only asking—’

  ‘Let’s go out,’ he repeated, refusing to catch my eye. ‘You’ll need a cardigan or something … it’s going to be chilly later.’

  ‘Fine.’ I riffled through the clothes on my chair, feeling flustered and flat at the same time. I found a crumpled black cardigan and stuffed my arms through the sleeves, aware of Evan watching me though I had my back to him.

  ‘OK. I’m ready now.’ I had no enthusiasm for going out, and was wondering whether to confront him, but Evan always seemed to empty my head of all the questions I wanted to ask.

  I felt his hands on my shoulder, heard his breathing as he slid them down and round my waist from behind.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m a bit moody I guess,’ he said into my hair. ‘I can’t explain it, I just get a sad feeling sometimes.’

  He sounded so remorseful that I wriggled gently out of his grasp to face him.

  ‘And I’m sensitive,’ I said, scanning his face. ‘We make a fine pair.’

  He grinned then. ‘Never a dull moment at least,’ he said.

  I smiled back, but I felt unsafe. A part of me wanted to push Evan on to my bed and give way to the strong attraction I felt for him. Another part of me wanted something more steady, more reliable, something I could trust. But I leaned in and kissed him quickly on the cheek. ‘Walk? We can take the dog.’

  Evan and I ended up on the other side of Bale, much to Bobby’s delight, but to my slight trepidation. We were a little too near to Evan’s house for my liking. I wondered if he was going to engineer one of his ‘goodwill’ missions and take me home to bond with Sarah again. But he showed no sign of it, though he seemed lost in thought as he walked. I was putting on a good show of relaxed contentment, but thoughts, questions were gathering in my head. I started thinking about the cuttings I’d found in Evan’s car that night. Wondering if his mood shifts had something to do with that … But I didn’t know how to broach the subject. I was wary of him. But until I knew, I couldn’t feel easy holding his hand, chatting to him. It seemed like a secret he had, and I was beginning to discover that I didn’t like secrets. Not one bit.

  Eventually, the cluster of cottages that lined one side of the road out of Bale stopped us in our tracks.

  ‘End of the road,’ I said. ‘I’d better be getting back.’

  ‘Wait,’ he said abruptly. ‘Not yet.’

  I frowned slightly. ‘What’s up?’

  He hesitated for a moment. ‘I’m thinking … I’m wondering … how you feel about me. I mean … If you really like me, or are you just bored and I’m like a distraction?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  He shifted his feet awkwardly. ‘I don’t get attached to people. To girls.’ He looked hard at me. ‘It’s not something I take lightly.’

  ‘I know.’ Where was he going with this? ‘And I really like you. But we’ve just started going out … It’s a little early …’

  ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘It’s just I’m sticking around for the summer because of you … I can’t work out whether you see this as casual, like a short-term thing, or whether you want me to stay … longer.’

  I opened my mouth, taken aback. Only a few weeks ago I’d seen his cynicism towards relationships. All that stuff about choosing to love. What he was saying now didn’t make sense.

  ‘What do you want me to say?’ I wrapped my arms around my body. ‘I hardly know you … There are so many things I don’t know about you …’ I took a step closer to him.

  ‘Like what?’ A couple of lines appeared on Evan’s forehead. ‘I’ve told you everything about me.’

  ‘You haven’t told me about why you ran away? You kind of just skimmed over it.’

  He drew in his breath and the silence was prickly. ‘You really want to know?’

  ‘Of course I want to know.’

  I wasn’t going to bring up what I’d seen in the back of his car. He’d think I had pried. Gone behind his back.

  ‘You must have felt quite strongly … to just disappear,’ I said. ‘I mean your mum—’

  ‘She didn’t care,’ he snapped. ‘She put on a good show, I’ll give her that. But she was lost in her own world. Her boyfriends. The alcohol she got through every night. She didn’t even notice I was there most of the time.’

  ‘So you ran away … to get her attention?’ I said, tentatively.

  He shook his head and gave a strange humourless laugh.

  ‘Not exactly. It was her I was running away from. Her fits of anger. The fact that she didn’t get out of bed till midday and that our house was dirty and squalid and no matter how many times I cleared up, by the next day it was all filthy again.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, thinking how I took my own mother for granted. ‘What was wrong with her?’

  ‘Depressed,’ he muttered. ‘But wouldn’t do anything about it … Not until she suddenly realised I was gone. And then she got frightened and started acting like the concerned parent. I guess she wanted the attention. She even got to be on TV in Australia.’ He shook his head. ‘Everyone thought she was a saint.’ He looked at me. ‘You’d think that, if you met h
er. She can be so “normal” when it suits her.’

  I took hold of his hand, which felt freezing for some reason. ‘Evan. I can see how you’d be weird about relationships. I mean … I’ve never been involved with a boy before a few months ago. I have no idea what I’m doing. But I do know I am incredibly attracted to you. And I admire you …’ I paused. ‘I think you’re kind of moody sometimes, but you have your reasons for that I guess. Your family …’

  Evan gripped my hand tightly. ‘I’ve got you now, though. You’re like my family …’

  I smiled as brightly as I could back at him, but his intensity and the responsibility that came with his last statement felt heavy and oppressive. I knew I’d never fall for a regular laid-back type, but was Evan more than I could cope with?

  I left Evan in town and walked back with Bobby. I should have been skipping home, ecstatic that someone like him felt that way about me. The freak. But instead I felt anxious. And in a corner of my heart I felt a sort of homesickness.

  For Luca. Who made me feel neither of those things. I had no idea how love was supposed to feel, and I guessed that it isn’t about feeling at home with somebody or even being understood. That’s what friends are for. Being in love is about excitement and challenge and your heart wanting to burst out of your chest.

  Wasn’t it?

  The house was quiet when I got back. Dad was working outside as I came to the end of the track and he waved at me, whistling to Bobby. Mum was doing something in the kitchen and Dot was engrossed in something on TV. I slipped upstairs to my bedroom and stood staring at myself in the mirror. I felt about a hundred years older than I had before I’d met Evan … and Luca.

  I glanced down, to find the photograph – my souvenir from Nissilum. But it was not where I’d left it. I frowned. I needed that picture.

  I went out on to the landing and stuck my head down the stairwell.

  ‘Dot!’ I yelled.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Can you come up here for a sec?’

  I heard Dot’s feeble groan in protest, but she appeared out of the living room, a semi-quizzical, semi-annoyed look on her face.

  ‘I thought you’d gone out with Evan?’ she said, craning her head to check out my expression. ‘What’s the matter with you?’