SCARRED (Scars)

by Gress, C. R.

  Oh my God, I’m gonna be sick.

  I jump up and run to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before I start throwing up everything in my stomach. I am freezing cold and trembling but I cannot find any strength to stand and wash my face or rinse my mouth out.

  A nurse comes into the bathroom to help me up and get me cleaned up before getting me back in the bed. She covers me with a few blankets before leaving the room. When she returns she is carrying a paper cup of water and a smaller paper cup with my horse pill vitamins and two Tylenol.

  “Take these, the Tylenol will help your headache.” She explains.

  “How in the hell did I end up with the flu? It’s not even flu season yet.”

  “You don’t have the flu, Jordan. You are going through detox.”

  “Detox? I am not going through detox, I don’t have a drug problem.” I yell.

  “Yes, you are going through detox, and while we are here to help you through it the only thing we can give you is vitamins and Tylenol. You will have to withstand the rest until the worst of this is over.” She explains.

  “I am not going through detox!” I yell again but it seems that no one is paying attention to me, not even my roommate who apparently woke while I was retching in the bathroom and is sitting on her bed nodding her head at me.

  “Ok Jordan, you stay in bed and I will have your meals brought to you today. With you going through detox and the withdrawal symptoms it is best that you stay in your room today so that we can monitor you properly without putting the other patients at risk.”

  This bitch is crazy.

  “Whatever you say, but I am not going through detox.” I grumble before I roll over and snuggle into the covers. Even with all the blankets I am still freezing and my body hurts like hell.

  Day 5

  Today, I can finally get out of bed, get out of this room. I have been sick as hell for the past two days with nurses hovering over my every move. The only help they would give were my vitamins and Tylenol, as well as helping me clean up after I would puke and keeping me warm in bed. I can finally take a shower alone without someone in the bathroom watching me. I know I am still stuck in this hell hole but it will feel good to see the other crazies here.

  My head still hurts and my body is achy but no where near the extent it has been over the past forty-eight hours. The only problem I have today is that I am pissy as hell. I snap at everyone and everything. I guess now I have to get caught up on all the schoolwork I have missed lately as well as enjoy all the glares I get from the other girls. They just better not cross me today because I am bound to explode any moment now.

  Day 7

  Yeah, It’s Saturday!

  Wait, what the fuck…we still have to go to class today. I guess I missed all that bullshit when I was being admitted last weekend. From what I understand, today is also the one day each week we are allowed visitors and apparently my mom has come to see me.

  After we are finished with lunch we have a group session while the facility apparently cleans the cafeteria because that is where we have visitation. I am escorted to the cafeteria where I see my mom sitting alone at a table waiting. I slowly move across the room and when I approach her I ask “Where is everybody else?”

  “Your dad has to work and I am not going to bring your sisters here to see you like this.” Mom answers.

  “So why did you come?” I ask.

  “I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. You haven’t called so I was worried.”

  “I didn’t call because I don’t have anything to say to you. I want to talk to dad. You are the reason I am here in the first place. Now if you would please leave and don’t come back unless dad is with you or you decide I am good enough to see my own sisters.” I snap at her as I turn around and quickly leave the room.

  Okay so my first visitation didn’t go so well. Now at least I have something to talk to the counselor about.

  Day 17

  I have managed to get into a routine and actually am beginning to like this place. I most certainly don’t have mom bitching and nagging every time I turn around. I have made a few friends and actually feel like I am learning some things; about myself as well as actually absorbing some of my school lectures.

  I still haven’t called mom, though I have talked to dad a few times and I refused to see mom this past Saturday when she came for visitation. Oh well, I guess she still hasn’t taken what I said to heart. I have finally decided to actually talk to my counselor about my problems today rather than my usual “how’s the weather?”

  “So Jordan, how have you been today?” Mrs. Gosling asks.

  “I’m actually doing better.”

  “So what do you want to talk about today, weather, politics, your choice?”

  “Well, you keep asking me about what’s wrong with me. At first, I didn’t think I belonged here. There are some days that I still don’t think I belong here. I do think my mother belongs here, or rather in the Psych ward.” I snicker before I continue.

  “My mother got pregnant and had me when she was fifteen years old. She and my dad divorced after only a year together and it didn’t take her two more years before she married someone else. Mom then proceeded to try and get my dad to sign away his parental rights and let my step-dad adopt me but my dad wouldn’t. I spent most of my life being told my dad wanted nothing to do with me while she was secretly receiving child support but would shun off visitation and send back any birthday or Christmas gifts my dad tried to send.”

  “I see.” Was her only response.

  “On my thirteenth birthday my step-dad left my mom to be with his secret girlfriend who wasn’t even twenty-one at the time. Mom flipped out, went off the deep end and started going out and partying all hours of the night while I was stuck at home with my two younger sisters. When I asked her about it her only response was ‘because of you I have been married since I was fifteen and now that I am not married anymore I am going to enjoy the life I should have had’. Because of me? It wasn’t because of me and I know that….it was her own fault that she was in that situation.”

  “Go on.”

  “You ask me about my drug use and my promiscuity. Well that was another of my moms doings. You see, almost a year ago the love of my life, my high school sweetheart was killed in a car accident. At my age, I didn’t know how to deal with it. Neither did my mom, but her answer to all the problems….feed me Valium until it went away. I was a zombie, and she didn’t have to deal with any of it so she continued to feed them to me. One day she decided I was fine and stopped giving me the medicine. Then, guess what happened?”

  “I have a feeling I know where this is going.” She answered.

  “Probably, but I am still going to tell you. When I came off the Valium, all the pain and grief I should have experienced in the first place came back only ten times worse. I hated that feeling so I started looking elsewhere for to dull the pain. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was smoking weed and snorting cocaine to get that escape. I was also lonely because mom was so busy and dad had to work so that was when I turned to having casual sexual liaisons to fill the void of being alone. Now, here I am. Dead. To be honest, I have been dead for almost a year. I should have been in the car with him. Then maybe I would be with him instead of here.

  “You know you cannot think that. It is not healthy. All things happen for a reason. You may not understand now, but somewhere there is a purpose for you. A purpose that kept you out of that car that day.” She says as she quickly scribbles in her notebook.

  “I kind of know that. I may not want to believe it but I know. I have had a lot of time to think about my life while I’ve been here. I am not back to one hundred percent but I am working on it.”

  “That is so good to hear Jordan. I am proud of you. Frankly I am a bit surprised that you came out with as much as you have today. Normally it takes people months to realize those things, and even longer to disclose them.”

  Day 21

 
My roommate left today. I am not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I am glad that now I have the room to myself. On the other hand, I am going to miss her a little. Yes, she was crazy as hell, and I don’t mean crazy as in hell raising and partying, I mean crazy as in a few screws loose somewhere. I did get used to her and we had quite a few fun conversations.

  Day 22

  Well that didn’t last very long. One night of decent sleep and now they have moved a new girl in. I guess it is time to put the walls back up until I can figure out what her deal is. She doesn’t speak to me at all and I have a feeling this one is a ticking time bomb.

  Day 23

  Damn, I thought my shit was bad, now it seems like the withdrawals I went through were a piece of cake compared to what she is going through. I thought I had the flu, this bitch has been up all morning screaming and cursing, throwing shit, shaking, and I swear at one time I saw foam coming out of her mouth. I hope this doesn’t last long. She might kill me. Looks like I will not be getting any sleep for the next few days.

  Day 26

  I finally feel like I got a full night of sleep last night. The new girl, whose name I now know to be Cheri, was strung out on Heroin really bad. I thought I was mean, what I saw from her was pure evil rage.

  Oh yeah, in all the commotion over the last few days I forgot that I get to go home in four days. I can’t wait. I just need to remember to keep my head on straight. I seriously doubt I would be able to survive this again.

  Day 29

  “Jordan, how do you feel about being able to leave here tomorrow?” Mrs. Gosling asks during my last counseling session.

  “I would be lying if I said I’m not a little bit worried that I will relapse.”

  “That is to be expected. The chances of relapse are very high for people the first time out. You need to keep your head up. Remember that ‘once and addict, always an addict’; it is how you choose to proceed with that knowledge that makes the difference. Stay away from the stressors, and make new friends.”

  “That is what I plan to do. I am happy that I will be going home to my dad’s rather than mom’s. She is a major stressor for me.”

  “Yes, that seems to be the best option for you. Go home, get settled, and finish school then go off to college. Always look to the future rather than dwell on the past.”

  “Thank you.” I respond.

  Day 30

  “So are you ready for this?” Dad asks as we walk to the car.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”

  “Baby steps, Jordan, baby steps.”

  “I know, it will just feel good to sleep in my own bed tonight, without all the screams and cries and nurses checking in at all hours of the night.”

  “I’m sure it will be.” He says as he climbs in the driver seat. “Lets get you home.”

  “That is the best thing you have ever said to me.”

  CHAPTER 4

  1993

  I pull into the parking lot of Subway with two of my best friends for a quick meal before we head out to party. In fact, the past month has been nothing but partying for us since graduation Yes, by the way, I am drinking again; but I did manage to graduate high school on time, I have stayed out of trouble, and I am staying away from the drugs. We are so busy laughing and joking around when I pull in that neither of us realize that I parked right beside that unmistakable black and white car.

  “Shhh, you guys behave, there is a cop right there.” I plead as Laura and Dawn are laughing and bouncing all over the car. “You are going to get our asses locked up with all of the alcohol we have in here knowing we are nowhere near drinking age.”

  “Oh, that’s the new cop in town, the good-looking one.” Dawn squeals. “Jordan, I dare you to go try to get his phone number.”

  “You are crazy! Plus I don’t know that I really want some rookie cop snooping around my car. He’d probably lock me up just to try and make a name for himself.”

  “Chicken!” Laughed Laura. “Come on, lets hurry and get some grub.”

  “Laura, you owe me a sub. Get me a six inch ham and cheese on white bread with mayonnaise, lettuce, salt and pepper.”

  “You’re not going in?”

  “No, I think I am going to see if I can get a phone number. He is kind of hot.”

  Laura and Dawn get out of the car and head into Subway while I sit for a moment and think about whether I really do have the nerve to go through with this.

  He is hot. I wonder how old he is. He cannot be that old; twenty, maybe twenty-two at the most. Well here goes nothing.

  I gather my nerve, get out and walk around to the driver side of the police car. He was sitting there with the window rolled up filling out some sort of paperwork. I hesitate for a moment then proceed to knock on his window.

  “Hi there.” I barely squeak out of my mouth.

  “Hello”

  “My name is Jordan and I really hate to bother you but…”

  Oh my goodness, his blonde hair and chiseled face are mesmerizing.

  Suck it up Jordan, just because he looks like a god doesn’t necessarily mean he is one.

  “I’m Gavin, nice to meet you.”

  “So, you are the new cop in town, huh?”

  “Yeah, I guess you could call me new, but I have been on the force for a year now”

  “Oh, well I didn’t mean to take you from your paperwork but my friends dared me that I wouldn’t get your phone number.” I can feel my skin turning crimson and the grin across my face is making my jaw start to ache.

  “How old are you?” he asked.

  “Eighteen” I lied, but since my birthday is in three months and the chances of actually getting his number are slim to none, I figure a little fib isn’t going to make much difference.

  “Do you always act on dares made by your friends?’

  “It depends”

  “On what?”

  “On whether I think the dare is worth it or not.”

  Oh so worth it. God, I could stare into those eyes all day, and those lips. Heaven help me what I would love him to do with those lips.

  “So, I am guessing you think I am worth it.”

  “I sure hope so.” I grin as I look over my shoulder to see if Laura and Dawn are still getting food. To my shock, they are standing inside the door with food bags in hand watching.

  Hearing the jingle of a door behind me, I turn and see Laura and Beth bounding out of Subway laughing hysterically. “I guess its time for me to go, especially before those two make it to your car. You will never get any work done with them. I am sorry to have bothered you.” I move to head back in my car.

  “Wait!”

  I turn back towards him as he hands me a piece of paper.

  “You don’t want to leave without completing the dare, would you?” Astonished I took the paper. I can feel my knees getting slinky, like they are going to buckle under me at any time. I smile politely at him and as I move to walk away again he speaks in a very low tone.

  “That is only for your use, not anyone else.”

  Oh my God!

  A Ω A Ω A Ω

  I pull out of the parking lot and head for the party. While I concentrate on driving in stunned silence, Laura and Dawn aren’t having any of it.

  “Well, did you get his number?” Dawn asks as she sits up from the back seat with her shoulders wedged between mine and Laura’s.

  “I tried, but he wouldn’t let me have it.” They really don’t need to know the truth. I would never hear the end of it. “I guess I’m the designated driver tonight since I lost the dare.” Damn this is going to suck big time to have to stay sober but I cannot tell the truth, we would all end up in jail with their stalkerish phone calls.

  When I finally get us to the party we quickly devour our subs before getting out of the car. The party is no different than any other weekend party in town; guys and girls ranging in age from mid teens to mid twenties, all trying to see who can out-drink the others. Most of them stick to their clique
s; the jocks in one corner crushing beer cans on their heads to see who was the toughest, the preppy girls not far away giggling and flirting. As always, the stoners stay out on the deck passing around a water bong. As I wander through the party a fleeting thought of joining them for just a hit passes through my mind.

  I open a cold Bud Light and begin to make the rounds saying hello to a few girls I graduated with. One drink will not hurt me, I’ll just sip on this and make my rounds. While taking a few minutes to dance with one of the girls that drags me out into the middle of the room, I realize that Gavin keeps creeping into my head.

  Did he really give me his phone number or did he give me a dummy number? Should I call him? I know it was a dare but he is so good-looking, there is no way he would be interested in me. Would he? He did give me a number, it couldn’t hurt to try. You will never know any different if you don’t try.

  A Ω A Ω A Ω

  It is after midnight when I get home from the party. Feeling a slight buzz from the alcohol but not so buzzed that I cannot comprehend the events of the evening, I kick off my shoes and go run a nice hot bath. While relaxing in the tub Gavin pops into my head again.

  Should I call him? He should be working the rest of the night so if I call now I can just leave him a message. That way the ball is in his court as to whether this goes any further or him just helping me out on a dare.

  I pick up the phone and dial his number. After the third ring an answering machine picks up. I listen to about half the message before hanging up. Chicken! I soak in the tub for about ten more minutes before deciding to try again. This time I listened to his entire recording and leave a message.

  “Hi, this is Jordan. We met earlier tonight and although I am pretty sure you were just trying to keep me from being embarrassed in front of my friends, I am calling to leave my number. I will not be offended if you delete this message but I would be happy if you returned my call.” With that I leave my phone number and hung up.

  Laying back in the tub I think about the events of the night. Still a bit hazy from the alcohol, my mind drifts from friends at the party to the man in blue my friends had dared me to approach. Though it had been dark and he was in his patrol car I can still remember his face. From the lights of the storefront I could see his blonde hair cut in a military fade, his deep grey eyes, chiseled jaw and pouty lips. His shoulders were broad and by the looks of his chest through the mans uniform it appeared as though he worked out, regularly. My mind wonders if his entire body is built the way his shoulders and chest appeared.