Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  Paula slowed her brushing. 'I suppose I'm not used to having a man around. It's making me nervous. I know you must think it's stupid of me, but'

  'It's not stupid, it's refreshing.'

  ' like a drink of cold water I'

  'I was going to say a glass of champagne!'

  'I'm not a champagne girl.' Deliberately she left her face without make-up and pinned her hair in the severe chignon Jason disliked.

  ' You could be if you wanted.' He watched her with amusement. 'Why don't you want to be, Paula?'It was a rhetorical question and, not waiting for an answer, he bent and loosened her hair before she guessed his intention. ' You're the only girl I've met who works at making herself look plain. Not that you could ever succeed.' He scooped her hair into his hands and allowed it to drop back around her shoulders in a wave of shimmering amber. 'You're beautiful, Paula,' he said huskily. ' The most beautiful ghrl I've ever known.'

  He used the word deliberately, in its old sense, and she turned away for him not to see her face. 'I'm not very good at it yet.'

  ' We've a lifetime to grow used to each other, my love.'

  She set down her brush with fingers that trembled.

  'You're not disappointed, are you? I was so

  afraid'

  ' Darling heart, you're my wife, not my mistress. I'd hate it if you were experienced. Anyway,' he smiled, ' you're a lot better at loving than cooking I'

  She laughed shakily. ' That's hardly a recommendation.'

  'It's enough for me' he said fondly. 'I wouldn't have you any other way.'

  She touched a grateful hand to bis face. 'I believe you mean it.'

  ' Come back to bed,' he invited incorrigibly, ' and I'll prove it to you,' His quicksilver change of mood relieved the tension and she pushed him away and picked up her coat.

  'Hang on a second and I'll run you to the hospital'

  'I'd rather walk.'

  'Frightened of being seen arriving with me?'

  The question was so near the mark that she had no answer, and waited silently as he slipped on a pair of slacks and a sweater.

  ' When we move, you must have your own car,' he said as he opened the front door. ' You do drive, don't you?'

  'Yes.'

  ' How would you like an Alfa Romeo? I've seen one almost the same colour as your hair.'

  ' Don't be ridiculous.' She cut him short with an upsurge of pique that he could be so obtuse. ' This is Iarsden—not the Riviera. Hospital doctors don't drive around in flashy cars. If I need one I'll get something cheap and secondhand.'

  Jason paled. 'I want to buy you a car as a wedding present. If you'd rather drive some beat-up Mini. . . It was the old, preposterous, childish Jason speaking, and her sense of humour came to the rescue. ' Darling,' she warned, ' we're having our first quarrel.'

  His face lightened and he laughed with her as he swung the car through the hospital gates and drew up near the entrance. 'I seem to remember one or two others,' he remarked.

  ' ' Our first married one,' she amended.

  'Then we must kiss and make op.' He leaned towards her, but conscious of her surroundings she opened the door and jumped out.

  ' Not here, Jason.'

  'At least blow me a kiss. I won't be seeing you—' he looked at his watch—' for ten whole hours. How am I going to live through them?'

  You'll be working,' she reminded him, and with a brief prayer that no one was watching, she blew Mm a kiss and disappeared into the hospital.

  The clock in the entrance showed her to be late and she changed hurriedly into her white coat, her mind a whirl of conflicting emotions. The only way she and Jason could live without quarrelling would be on a desert island where nothing could come between them. The moment social conventions intervened, the differences that divided them sprang to the surface. " Love isn't enough," she told herself, and only realized she had spoken aloud when an orderly passing by gave her a startled glance. The incident, though trivial, was enough to check Paula's wandering thoughts, and for the rest of the morning she concentrated on her work, not thinking of Jason again until Debbie bobbed out in front of her as she was leaving Men's Medical.

  'How's the bride?'

  ' Flourishing,' Paula retorted. ' Now leave me in peace, you little wretch P

  'Quickly, Sister's coming I' Debbie seized Paula's arm and dragged her into a sluice room before she knew what was happening. 'I wanted a private word with you.' She propped herself against the door, barring Paula's exit in a way that was reminiscent of her brother. 'I know yon'll be angry with me all over again, but I've got to ask you or I'll bust.'

  Ask me what?

  ' To be kind to Jason.'

  'KindI' The word exploded between them and Debbie took a deep breath.

  'Yes, Paula. Kind. Women have been many things to my brother—but never kind. Oh, I don't mean handholding and mawkishness, but showing you need him and have faith in him.'

  ' Honestly, Debbie' with an effort Paula restrained her temper, ' you do go on needlessly about things.'

  'It's not needless,' Debbie insisted earnestly. ' Jason's got to believe you trust him. Not only about other women but about—about his work and everything. I know him better than you. He's trying to change, but it's not easy for him. He hasn't got much confidence in himself and!'

  ' Jason's the most confident man I know.'

  ' Only on the surface. Inside he's full of doubt. He needs someone to believe in him. If you show him you do, you'll have a wonderful marriage.'

  ' Thanks,' Paula said drily. ' But I'd like to remind you that Jason's a man, not a child. I'm his wife, Debbie, not his nurse.'

  The eager look left Debbie's face and Paula could not help noticing how much older the girl looked with her vitality and ardour gone.

  'If I didn't admire you so much,' Debbie said quietly, 'I could easily dislike you. You're so sure about everything yourself that you can't understand anybody who isn't the same. And I'd have certainly thought that a doctor would have enough sense not to judge a person's character by their surface behaviour I Which is exactly what you're doing with Jason.'

  ' Your brother is a well-known sportsman and famous for his charm. He is also good-looking, wealthy and intelligent—extremely so when he wants to be. If that adds up to lack of confidence, then one of us must be crazy!

  ' There's such a thing as over-compensation,' Debbie reminded her. ' Being rich and good-looking is a fluke—it doesn't make a man feel he's achieved anything.'

  ' Thank goodness we agree on something I' Paula said. '

  The best way for Jason to feel achievement is to stick to his job.'

  ' He will if you'll help him ' If you show you understand his problems. And believe me, he'll have plenty with Father.'

  ' Working always brings problems.'

  ' Maybe' Debbie conceded. ' But you don't doubt your ability, do you?'

  ' Of course not.'

  ' Jason doubts his. That's why you must help him.'

  ' He hasn't put you up to saying ad] this, has he?' Paula asked suspiciously.

  'No I And whatever you do, don't say anything to him about it. He'd never forgive me.'

  The handle turned behind Debbie's back and she stepped away from the door. It opened and another curse came in, giving Paula the chance to escape. But it was impossible to escape from all Debbie had said. Interfering brat she might be, but a very loyal one, prepared at all times to show her love and not afraid of a snubbing for her pains. " And there's no one better than me for administering a snub," Paula thought, recalling her rudeness to Debbie and her curt dismissal of Jason outside the hospital. For Th

  all her fine words about wanting to be his wife, not his nurse, this morning she had behaved more like his governess I Remembering his eagerness to please her and the childish way he became hurt if she ever doubted him made Debbie's assessment of his character more feasible. With a mother like Mrs Scott—to say nothing of his father

  —it was not to be wondered at that his confidence
needed bolstering. This thought, though reluctantly arrived at, could not be dismissed once it came into her mind, and she knew that unless she could learn to be gentler with him, and to forget her own pride, far from building his ego she might well be doing the exact opposite. Without giving herself time for second thoughts she made for the nearest telephone. Thumbing through the local directory for the Scott factory, she was already hearing Jason's surprised greeting, and as she dialled the number her heart quickened at the thought of the pleasure it would give him to know she had taken time in the middle of a busy hospital day to call him and tell him she loved him . 'Mr Jason Scott? One moment, please . . '

  telephonist was replaced by a secretary. 'I'm afraid Mr Scott is not here. Is there anyone else who can help you?'

  ' No.' Paula hesitated. ' What time do you expect him back from lunch?'

  ' Mr Scott isn't at lunch. He flew down to London. I believe he'll be back late this afternoon, but I don't know if he'll come to the office. He's not usually here full time.''

  With murmured thanks, Paula replaced the receiver and made her way towards Women's Surgical. So much for Debbie's demand that she have faith in him I The grand reformation he had promised was a mirage bom out of a desire to please her; not a real desire to work and achieve something for himself. Jason would never change. He was diarming, weak and irresponsible, and unless she could accept such a man as her husband she would do better to write off her marriage now, twenty-four hours after it had started ...

  CHAPTER VIII

  Disillusioned by the knowledge that Jason still regarded his job with his father as a part-time occupation, and not the serious endeavour which he had led her to believe, Paula's one longing was to run away somewhere and hide. But life in a hospital continued regardless of the personal suffering of its doctors, and she had to forcibly stop herself thinking of him and concentrate on the people who filed unendingly before her during the afternoon.

  It was tea-time before she was finally through, and she ran up to the children's ward for a brief visit with Tommy, now progressing so well that it was only a matter of weeks before he would be able to return to the orphanage. She was leaving his bedside when a familiar voice spoke her name, and she turned to see Martin watching her. He was the last person she would have chosen to meet in her present mood, and she swallowed hard and spoke, her voice high-pitched and brittle. ' What are you doing on the wards at this hour?'

  'I've been having a word with Sister.' He looked at her quizxuHly. ' So you took my advice after all?'

  'About what?'

  ' Having a love affair with Scott. Though I must say he could have been more subtle about it.'

  'I don't know what you're talking about I'

  'There's no need to be embarrassed.' The flat, impersonal voice masked a hurt no one would have recognized who did not know him as well as Paula. 'If you haven't the courage of your convictions, then tell your lover not to leave his car outside your front door all night.'

  'It's not what you think.'

  'I'm not standing in judgment over yon,' he retorted. 'I'm glad you've finally taken the plunge. It's like surgery—

  painful but necessary, and once the operation is over the patient is on the way to recovery.' His smile was cynical. ' Three months from now you'll be over your obsession and I'll'

  ' Martin, don't! You're wrong. Jason isn't my lover, he's my husband. We were married yesterday by special licence'

  The tired, clever face she knew so well seemed to age as she spoke.

  ' You fool,' he said in a low, bitter voice. " How could you throw your life away on a spoilt playboy?'

  'If that's all you can say . . .' She walked past him and he caught her by the elbow.

  ' Paula, I'm sorry. Forgive me. It was a shock to hear you were—you were married. I only want your happiness . . . believe that, please.'

  She turned and looked at him, her eyes full of tears. 'I do.'

  The tears overflowed and she reached for her

  handkerchief. 'I don't know why I'm crying. Nerves, I suppose.' She wiped her eyes and with an effort smiled at him. But he did not smile back. If anything his expression grew more serious, heightening her sudden sense of loneliness. ' Wish me happiness, Martin,' she pleaded.

  'I do. You know that.' His face was white, the lines on it more deeply entrenched than she could remember seeing them. ' H only I believed it would work!' he burst out 'But I don't I You're worlds apart. You've nothing in common I'

  ' We love each other.'

  'You believe that's enough?' He rubbed his eyes in a gesture she had only seen him use once—after an unsuccessful operation. 'I'm sorry, Paula, I've no right to speak this way. You've married Scott and I must accept it.'

  He took a deep breath. 'I hope you'll be very happy.'

  She could only guess what the words cost him, and wondered what he would say if she told him that, though she loved Jason, she could not depend on him. She buried the thought instantly. To speak that way was

  unthinkable. If only I could have loved Martin, she brooded, and wondered what evil chance had made her respect a man she could not love, and love a man she could not respect . . .

  ' Will he be staying in Marsden now?' Martin had to ask the question twice before Paula heard it.

  ' Oh yes. He's—he's working for his father again.'

  ' Good. At least that means you won't be leaving the hospital. Or are you?

  She shook her head vehemently. 'I'm not a lady of leisure. Jason knows I'll never give up my work I'

  'I hope you mean that,' Martin said quietly.

  'That's one thing I can guarantee.'

  For an instant he shut his eyes. When he opened them again there was nothing remaining in his expression to reveal his feelings, and she knew he had withdrawn behind a mask of professionalism. ' By the way,' he said coolly as they continued to walk along the corridor, 'I've an over-active thyroid case with some interesting complications. If you're not too busy you might like to look at it.'

  'I can come with you now.'

  He nodded, and preceded her into the next ward. Following him, Paula sighed with unexpected

  contentment. Her world was still intact. Martin had shown her, in the best way he could, that though he would never hold her in bis arms, there was still a place for her in his life.

  At six o'clock, as she was preparing to leave, an emergency call from Casualty delayed her almost an hour, and as she finally grabbed her coat and ran into the courtyard she saw Jason's car parked by the gates.

  ' Paula!' He leaned across to open the door for her. 'Don't they ever let you out of this place?'

  She climbed in beside him. ' Patients don't have a crisis by the clock.'

  ' You're not the only doctor on duty, are you?' His voice was querulous and she leaned back in her seat, surprised by the extent of his irritation.

  'I told you I never know when I'll be free. I'd far rather you didn't call for me.' 'I wouldn't normally.' He glanced at her obliquely.

  ' Cut we've barely been married twenty-four hours. Or have you forgotten?'

  ' Oh, Jason I' Contritely she moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. ' Of course I haven't forgotten. It's just that I'm tired and . . . and I can't get used to the idea of having a husband waiting for me.'

  ' Then the "sooner you do, the better.' He screeched round the comer and drew up outside their door. ' How long will it take you to change? We're going out to dinner.'

  She forced back her dismay at having to face an evening in a restaurant when all she longed for was to crawl into bed—alone. A fine bride she was! ' Where are we going?'

  she asked brightly.

  'It's a surprise.'

  'I must let the hospital know where I am. I'm on night call.'

  'I'll do it for you.' He followed her into the house, and as she took off her coat she heard him speaking on the telephone in the living room,

  ' All set. He came through into the hall and caught her close. 'It seems a li
fetime since I saw you.' He bent his head, but did not kiss her. ' Don't look at me so seductively,' he murmured, ' or we'll never get outl'

  She laughed and, extricating herself from his hold, walked into the bedroom, stopping abruptly as she saw the bed piled high with boxes. ' What on earth'

  ' Just a few things I had flown over from Paris.' Hi3 arm came round her shoulder. ' They should have been here yesterday, but there was a mix-up with the Customs. I had to go to London today to pick them up.'

  So that's where he'd been when he should have been at the factory. ' What sort of things?' she asked dully.

  'What Mother calls a trousseau. It's obvious you didn't have time to buy anything for yourself.'

  'I don't want you buying clothes for me.'

  He grinned. 'Don't you trust my taste?'

  'I'm sure it's impeccable,' she said drily, ' but'

  'You think it's immoralI' He laughed out loud, checking himself with an effort as he saw her expression.

  'I'm not your boy-friend, darling, I'm your husband. There's nothing wrong in my buying you clothes.'

  Her eyes misted and she laughed snakiry. 'I'm no good at taking presents. I suppose I'm not used to it'

  'I'll soon change that. I'm not having you be independent with me. Now come and look at what I've got for you.'

  Paula's fingers fumbled with the string and dresses, lingerie, shoes and bags spilled out over the counterpane. '

  You've spent a fortune I'

  ' Only a small one I'

  Organzas and brocades slid through her ringers and hardly knowing what she was doing, she picked up an aquamarine chiffon dress from the pile on die bed and holding it in front of her, crossed to the mirror to see the effect Even without make-up she saw how well it suited dress, J you to wear for me tonight' ' At least it's the plainest of the lot.'

  'It's also the most expensive I'

  The dress almost dropped through her fingers. 'You're joking I'

  Wait till you get it on. Then you'll see the way it's cut'

  Paula felt a sudden upsurge of rebellion. Never in her life had she bought more than one dress at a time, and only in the last couple of years had she been able to buy any clothes at all without scrimping and saving for them. Jason, with his easy attitude to money, upset all her values. 'I don't know about such things,' she said resentfully.