In the Heart's Shadow

by T. L. Haddix

  “I don’t think you’d go wrong by doing that.”

  Gordon picked up his beer. Before he drank, he sent a casual remark across the table that had both women staring at him in shocked silence. “So, Kat, did you know that everyone thinks we’ve been seeing each other?”

  Kathryn’s spoon clinked against the side of her bowl, and her eyes widened. “Us? You and me? Dating?” She snorted with amusement that bloomed into full-blown laughter. From the scowl on his face, Stacy figured Gordon didn’t appreciate her response.

  “It’s not that funny,” he protested.

  Wiping her eyes, Kathryn nodded. “Yes, it is.” Her giggles slowly died down. “Who thinks that?”

  “Apparently, everyone.” A perturbed Gordon turned to Stacy. “Right?”

  Stacy scooped up a bite of soup. “Until recently, yes. Most everyone at the department did, anyhow.”

  “Well, it isn’t true. We’ve never dated.” He finished the beer and sat down the bottle with a clunk.

  “Not entirely true,” Kathryn corrected him in a sing-song voice. “Tell her how we met.”

  Gordon picked up his second biscuit. “I’d forgotten about that. You tell her.”

  “One of you tell me, please. Curiosity and cats, you know.”

  “Well, about a hundred years ago, when we were all in school at UK together, I was having trouble with some of my advanced math courses my senior year. Mallory heard about this law student who was doing some tutoring, and she set me up with him. Not just for the tutoring, either. She was one of the biggest matchmakers you’ve ever met.” Kathryn paused to sip her water, then resumed the story, arms resting on the table.

  “I went along with her plan, and we went out. He’s a great math tutor, but I’d kill him if we ever dated for real. One date was all I needed to see that.”

  Gordon huffed. “Gee, Kat, thanks. I didn’t think it was that bad.”

  She winked at Stacy. “He’s mellowed a bit since then.”

  “So how did Mallory go from matchmaker to your wife?” Stacy tried not to let the idea of Gordon dating Kathryn bother her. “That’s not usually how it works.”

  “It isn’t,” Kathryn agreed. “But the more I got to know him, the more I saw that he’d be perfect for Mallory. We’d been friends since our freshman year, and she was getting over a bad breakup. She was very, very reluctant to even entertain the idea, but I convinced her. And that was that.”

  “How long ago was this?” Stacy asked.

  “Thirteen years?” Kathryn’s nose wrinkled as she thought. “Yeah, thirteen years. Almost a lifetime ago, it feels like.”

  “It was a lifetime ago,” Gordon remarked.

  “Where in the world did you hear this theory about us? I just can’t believe people think we were involved.”

  Gordon glanced at Stacy, who gave him a subtle nod. “Charlie Clark, actually. He mentioned it after he told us Robbie Bailey’s been sniffing around the cafe.”

  Kathryn’s reaction was as pronounced as Robbie’s had been. She sat back, crossing her arms. “Sniffing around?”

  “Mmm. Charlie said Lauren was ready to offer him a job.” Gordon’s tone was nonchalant, but he watched Kathryn very closely.

  Eyes narrowed, Kathryn started tapping her fingers rhythmically on her arm. “So what if he has? We’re both consenting adults.”

  “Robbie’s a good man,” Stacy interjected. “You could do a lot worse.”

  Kathryn relaxed a little at the words. “He is a good man. And what we have, it’s just… It isn’t long-term. We both knew that going in. Why do you need to know about it? Does this have something to do with your house burning?” she asked Stacy, ignoring Gordon.

  “Yes. I can’t tell you what, though. And I need to ask you to not mention this to Robbie.”

  “Okay. What do you need to know?”

  “Do you happen to know where Robbie was the last few nights?” Gordon asked.

  Kathryn’s cheeks flushed. “He’s been with me every night since last Wednesday.”

  Stacy felt as much as saw Gordon’s surprise. “Every night?”

  “Yes. All night, every night.”

  “Sounds pretty damned serious to me.” He sat back, the front feet of his chair coming off the floor.

  Stacy couldn’t interpret the look Kathryn sent him.

  “Well, you and I have always had a difference in opinion about certain aspects of relationships. That hasn’t changed.”

  Looking disappointed, Gordon rubbed his jaw. “Be that as it may, you’re absolutely sure he’s been with you? Hasn’t even left for an hour or two and come back?”

  “I’m sure. Do you want the details, or is my word good enough?”

  “Kat—”

  “No. Don’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know the two of you have been through a rough time today.” She stood, gathering her bowl and glass. “I should head out. As to the thing with Robbie, I won’t say a word. Whatever’s going on, I hope you work it out. Let me know if I can help in any way.”

  Gordon stood and took the dishes from her. Stacy didn’t protest Kathryn’s leaving.

  “Thanks for bringing the food by,” he told Kathryn. “It is appreciated.”

  She hugged him. “I know. You two try to stay out of trouble. This lug tells me that you’re going to his house tomorrow.”

  “That’s the plan,” Stacy confirmed.

  “Well, make sure he pampers you like he should, though I doubt that will be a problem. Good luck, kids.” She squeezed Stacy’s hand, and Gordon walked her to the back door. He stepped out on the stoop with her.

  Appetite gone, Stacy cleared her own place. Chloe and Murphy, who’d been oddly quiet, appeared as though they had been summoned.

  “Let me guess—you’re starving?” Stacy asked as she dumped her soup in the garbage.

  Murphy meowed a response and rubbed against her legs. She was getting fresh bowls of cat food ready when Gordon came back in. He closed the door by leaning against it with a sigh.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “That didn’t turn out quite the way I had expected it to.”

  Stacy didn’t say anything until she’d put down the bowls and the cats were smacking away. “How did you expect it to go?”

  He studied his fingernails. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think about it enough.”

  “Tell me it’s none of my business, but what was it that wasn’t said with words here?” She turned so that she was leaning against the counter, and Gordon came over to stand in front of her, bracing his hands on either side of her waist.

  “The year after Mallory died, Kathryn lost her grandmother. Kat’s husband didn’t go to the funeral with her. He was a big-shot cardiothoracic surgeon, and he had patients who needed him. Kat needed him, too, but she didn’t come first for him. She literally came in the front door of their house after the funeral, and the guy was coming down the stairs, suitcase in hand. He walked out on her that day, left her for another woman.”

  Stacy sucked in a breath. “Poor Kathryn. What did she do?”

  “Fell apart. I helped her get through the divorce, and once it was final, she… I don’t know how to explain it. She changed. Kat and I have always had very different attitudes toward sex. That was one of the reasons we didn’t suit, out of many, when we dated. But for the first year after her divorce? She went so far beyond anything I’d seen from her. I think losing Mallory, then losing her grandmother and her husband broke her in a way I can’t begin to describe.”

  “I can only imagine what that was like for her.” Curious about his wording, she hesitantly asked, “When you say ‘different attitudes,’ what do you mean exactly?”

  Gordon hesitated, the tips of his ears turning red. “I’m not a saint, and I wasn’t a virgin when I met Kat and Mallory, but I never treated sex casually. Kat does.” He went to the table for the pot of stew. “She dropped out of contact once, probably six months after everything came crashing down around her. I couldn’t get
her on the phone, her parents hadn’t heard from her, and I drove up there as soon as I could. She was living in Cincinnati then.”

  He stopped talking while he hunted through the cabinets for something to put the stew in, and Stacy felt as though he were bracing himself to tell her what he’d found.

  “When I got to her house, she was barely sober. I never figured out what all she’d taken. Cocaine, alcohol, I know that much, and she was coming down after a week-long binge. She wasn’t alone. There were four other people at her house—two men, two women—and they weren’t just friends. I won’t go into details, but it was bad. Like I said, I’m not a saint, but damn it, Stacy. I’ve not seen such excess since I was in college. It shocked me, and I’m not easy to shock.”

  Stacy could see that the memory devastated him, even now. The story certainly wasn’t what she had been expecting to hear. “What did you do?” she whispered.

  “Raised hell. We got into a shouting match, and I called her father. It took her a long time to forgive me for that. It almost destroyed our friendship.”

  “I imagine so.” When he stiffened, she touched his arm. “I’m not saying you were wrong, just that I can see how the relationship would suffer. What happened then?”

  “Her father staged an intervention of sorts. She promised to get counseling if we left her alone, and we kept an eye on her from afar. I don’t know that the orgies stopped then, but she’s never dropped out like that again.”

  “Was that what bothered you so much, that you couldn’t get through to her?”

  “Yeah. Look, I don’t care what goes on behind closed doors. Gay, straight, multiple partners—I don’t care. It’s none of my business, not my place to judge. But when one of my best friends in the world starts engaging in high-risk behavior like that, with drugs involved? I can’t sit back and not do anything.”

  Stacy understood Kathryn’s actions. She told him as much. “Her husband leaving like that must have nearly destroyed her. I’ve seen women who’ve gone to both extremes. For me, I can’t stand to be touched to the point that I’ve never had an intimate relationship. For Kathryn, who was already experienced sexually, doing what she did probably helped her reaffirm her femininity. It could also be her way of punishing herself for the marriage failing, especially since he left her for another woman. Younger?”

  “Of course.” Gordon had finished the cleanup while they were talking. “I think you’re dead-on with your theory. It doesn’t make it any easier to watch someone you care about go through that, though.”

  “No, it doesn’t.”

  He brushed her hair off her shoulders and let his hands skim her arms. “So that’s what was un-said. She knows I worry about her. She thinks I’m being overprotective.” He changed the subject. “What would you like to do this evening?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d like to sit out on the porch and watch the river. Even though it’s dark.” Stacy stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “What do you want to do?”

  He pulled her in even closer. “Depends. Do you want company or solitude?”

  “I’m good either way. I just need to get some air.”

  He tipped up her chin and traced the curve of her cheek with a light touch. “Then why don’t you come with me? I want to show you Annie’s haven. Annie likes to watch the river, too.”

  “Okay.”

  As they went upstairs, Stacy again considered how much she’d misjudged him. From everything she’d heard, she hadn’t expected him to be bothered so much by Kathryn’s choices. She was starting to wonder if his alpha facade really covered a quiet, reserved, and conservative personality.

  Gordon led her through the master bedroom and opened the double French doors with a flourish. The wide, deep balcony ran the length of the front of the house and the front porch below. On one end, a porch swing hung from the ceiling. The other end drew Stacy’s attention, much as Gordon had hoped it would.

  “We built that, Chase and I,” he said as she sat down on the extra-wide lounge. “Well, Chase helped. As much as Jason likes to tease, he is right about his brother’s carpentry skills.”

  She looked around, awed. The dark-blue ceiling was dotted with little twinkling white lights. “This is nice. I love the fairy lights.”

  Gordon reached up to brush them with his fingers. “Yeah, they’re a nice touch. Adds some magic to the space. It’s a little nippy out here. Want me to get a blanket?”

  “Please?”

  He ducked inside to get a quilt from his bedroom. When he came back out to the porch, Stacy was talking softly to the cats. Murphy was on the cat tree Gordon had made for Annie, and Chloe was trying to figure out if it was okay to climb it.

  “She doesn’t know what to think. It feels like she’s outside, but she’s perfectly safe. I might have to think about adding a space like this when I rebuild.”

  “Well, as it happens, I know the contractor,” Gordon teased as he spread the blanket out. “Scoot over.”

  When she made room for him, he slipped under the cover and settled back. After some fumbling maneuvers, he put his hands on top of hers. “Hang on. Remember how we sat in the living room, your back to my front? Let’s do that.” He helped her get into position, and they finally got comfortable.

  For nearly an hour, they sat like that, not speaking and not needing to. Gordon knew his arousal had to be obvious, but he adjusted himself so that he wasn’t in a bind.

  After a while, Stacy sighed. “If I could change one thing about where my house is, I’d move it to a spot like this one. There’s something so peaceful about the river.”

  “Maybe that’s something you should consider.”

  She hmmm’d. “Do you know how much river properties cost?”

  “I do.”

  “Then you know why I live in the middle of a corn field. Or did live.”

  He tightened his arms around her waist. “I know. I’m sorry about your house.”

  She tipped her head back to look up at him. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.”

  “Will you touch me?”

  Gordon frowned slightly. “I am touching you.”

  Turning so that she faced him, Stacy’s eyes dropped to his chest. “I don’t mean that. I mean… Here.” Taking his left hand, she slid it up her body, stopping shy of her breast. “Please?”

  Her breathing had increased, and from where his right hand rested on her back, he could feel her heart racing. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I need to know. When you touch me, I don’t get nervous. I feel comfortable, safe. And I need to know if that includes sexually.”

  Gordon finally remembered to breathe. “Generally speaking, comfortable is not the goal with sexual touching.”

  She cleared her throat and hid her face. “I know. But anything other than me running away from you would be an improvement, right?”

  Instead of touching her breast, Gordon tipped her chin up. He slid his fingers into her hair. His hold was gentle, but strong enough that she couldn’t not look at him. “Why now? Why is it so important to you tonight?”

  “Because she’s taken so much from me today, I want to take something back. And I need to know that I can. Besides, I know you’re uncomfortable, and I want to take care of that.”

  Gordon scowled heavily. “I’m not just here because I’m attracted to you physically. It’s more. I don’t want you to think you owe me sex. You don’t. You never will. That’s not how love works.”

  She put a finger over his lips. “I know. I do know that. And that’s why I want to try. It isn’t just needing to take some of the power back. It’s want, too. I want to feel for you what you feel for me.” She replaced her finger with her lips, kissing him softly.

  As much as Gordon wanted to take over the kiss, he knew he had to hold back. So he let her drive. When she relaxed against him and deepened the kiss, he made a satisfied sound in the back of his throat and settled do
wn in the lounge chair so that she was lying over him. When she tugged up his T-shirt and slid her hand underneath, he moaned.

  “Maybe we should take this inside.”

  Stacy drew back and bit her lip. “Okay. I, um, I have condoms. I’m not on any sort of birth control.”

  Gordon’s hands tightened reflexively where they rested on her hips. “I’d be lying if I said the idea of you pregnant with my child didn’t hold appeal. A lot of appeal. But you know condoms aren’t the most reliable form of contraceptive. If we do this, there’s a chance you’ll get pregnant.”

  “I know. I’m willing to take the risk.” She stood, pulling the quilt with her. Gordon had to adjust himself before he stood, and when she saw that, her face practically glowed from satisfaction.

  He helped her get the cats inside, and once the doors were secure, they detoured into the bathroom for the battery-operated candles. Stacy stopped at her room.

  “I need to get the, uh, the condoms.”

  Gordon stayed at the door as she went to the nightstand. When she came back with a string of ten condoms, he rubbed his mouth.

  She smiled, embarrassed. “Too many?”

  “Considering that I’m a walking erection around you? Might not be enough.” He held out his hand, and she placed hers inside it. She was trembling, but she didn’t look scared. “Any time you want to stop, we can. I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  She preceded him into the bedroom, and Gordon gently shut the door in the cats’ faces. “Not tonight, guys.”

  “What do you think our chances are of getting them to leave us alone?”

  “Probably nil. But we can try.”

  She folded the quilt and placed it on the foot of the bed, then turned to face him. “I have scars. Not just from the rape, but from other things.”

  Gordon turned on the candles and sat them down on the nightstand. He turned off the bedside lamp. “So do I. Have scars, I mean. Remember me telling you that I went in the system for a while when I was ten?”

  “Of course.”

  “Well, you’ll get to see why. That said, how about we try to focus on us tonight, not the past? There will be plenty of time to answer questions later.” Drawing her into his arms, he took a minute to just hold her. It had been a long time for him, and he hoped he could make it good for her. He told her as much. “I’m out of practice.”