Princess Ces'alena (Webster Fields)

by Mercedes Keyes

  Unable to keep this to herself, she finally asked her best friend about it…wondering why men did such disgusting things…thinking it normal. However her friends shocked expression and input that her husband never did such a thing, humiliated her once again. The next time, when he repeated the act, she whined about it to him, saying. “Must you do that…spend outside of my body, I find it - offensive… I don’t like it touching me, or having to clean it off.”

  He plopped down on his back throwing his arm over his eyes and replied calmly. “Fine…I won’t touch you again. I wouldn’t want to offend your, ‘delicate’ nature.” She lay stunned staring at him. “I didn’t mean that…I just-…”

  “Shhh - I’m tired! The deed is finished!” He snapped, remaining in the same position. She lay looking at him a few minutes more, then laid back in bed; quiet, confused and searching for the cause of what could possibly be wrong.

  Manny’s face burned with short lived shame knowing what he did with her, he’d done the same having intercourse with the slave women at home. Ma’Nicey had long ago explained to him as well to the other young men on the plantation how a man’s fluids contained the life force to impregnate a woman. In order to keep them out of her they were to withdraw before they were spent. Lena had been the only woman he’d stayed within from beginning to end. Realizing that, told him something he’d tried avoiding all this time.

  Making him lay and wonder, ‘What is she doing now? Am I, her thoughts as she is mine? Is there a part of her missing, like the part I can not find? And her nights…are they sleepless as well?’ He then shuddered remembering what he told her after the wedding during the reception. He’d called her into the study…and basically freed her to seek out another. That he would no longer bother her for his bed.

  He swallowed as moisture gathered in his throat. His forearm remained over his eyes, a small attempt to keep the tears at bay…yet still, one slid through. ‘Oh God…oh God…Lena…I didn’t mean it! Heavens above help me…I didn’t mean it.’ Facing that revelation, he was anxious and in a hurry to return home, afraid now, that he might be too late. After five months abroad, viewing Southampton, Yorkshire and London, England; staying in luxury hotels, attending operas, balls and dinner parties, the time had come to end their trip. The entire time they were in Europe Manny had seemed melancholy and slow, when the time came to return home, his whole demeanor changed. Gone was the man of forced smiles and laughter, to be replaced by one bounding in energy and drive… his focus on getting back to Webster Fields.

  Manny couldn’t slow the racing of his heart, nor the sudden change that came over him, the gleam of eagerness to reach home…to get back to his world; the world where he belonged… and…to see her face again; to see his son again. ‘Gracious father, how I’ve missed them. I bet my Mikey has grown a foot since my leaving.’ He thought smiling to himself as they boarded the ship for America.

  That had been the best part to him about the whole thing, sailing…there was definitely something exciting about it. Which brought to his mind, the other business venture he and Charles, were secretly working on. If this trip over the sea was anything to go by, he knew he was going to like it.

  Manny and Katherine had been somewhat jovial on the outward journey, however returning, there was only one of them beaming. Katherine was silent, resentful and now…afraid. Afraid of the things now coming back to mind after their journey abroad…things said by her aunt.

  Worried over the looks of sympathy on the faces of friends and associates; she didn’t have to be present to know what they were saying behind her back. Her only relief was that she wouldn’t live there to hear and see it everyday. But now she was heading into a life of the unknown, with a husband whom she knew didn’t love her. Even worse, she was at a loss of how to make it happen.

  * * *

  October, 1809

  It was a rainy, damp, cool evening when they returned. Morris was jumping for joy when they arrived home a little earlier than originally planned.

  As for Lena, the six months he was gone was more than her heart could take. She had so many plaguing emotions raging inside of her, the time in his absence was spent with her more in tears than not. She felt as if she’d cried more then, than she had her entire life. Fresh in her mind was the night after the wedding when he told her that she no longer had to worry about him bothering her. What he had to do, was not fair on her being left alone, and if she so desired…she could find another…she was free. It took everything within her not to let her knees crumble. She thought she would faint from the punch to the stomach. With her head spinning crazily, she had turned from him and left the room without a word. With every step she took her vision became more blurred from the gathering tears.

  If she could just make it back to her cabin without anyone stopping her to ask if she was okay, she could keep it together. She made it to her cabin to find Johnnypoe, Leon and her son inside playing a stick game. One look at her and they stood keeping their heads down and left pulling Mike with them. She walked to her bed, crumbled and cried herself to sleep.

  Now she could hear Leon calling that they were back. Shaking beyond control she rushed through her duties in the mansion so that she could quickly return to her cabin to be alone, not wanting to be anywhere near when they entered the mansion.

  The excitement of their return was over, the hoopla had ended…and she’d stayed fastened up in her cabin the entire time, while everyone else ran up to welcome the newly weds back. She’d sat in her son’s bed against his headboard with him between her legs leaning back against her as she read to him. Her fingers gently stroking through his hair, it wasn’t long before his head became heavy against her breast.

  Soon it was rolling to one side, straightening to roll again, until finally he was out. With care she lifted him over her leg and laid him down as she climbed from his bed. She was restless, not at all tired as she pulled the screen over the end of the cabin blocking her son’s bed from the rest of the room.

  For the life of her, she couldn’t calm herself…her whole body shook and trembled from within at the thought of having to face him again. Not to mention, having to deal with his new wife, seeing her and knowing that Manny touched her, loved her, slept with her, laughed with her, married to her and no, no longer wanting her. Facing that, that he was no longer hers and that her time was up with him; her services no longer needed, still wrecked her from within. The aching had not eased with time, it was still there and even more so now that they were back to face each day. Unable to remember having done so, she found herself sitting at the vanity he’d given her long ago; sitting and looking into its tall mirror. She stared long and hard at herself. Not bothering to wipe away the tears as they made a steady stream down her face.

  Her heart beat so hard and fast in her chest it actually hurt making her short of breath, trying to breathe - next thing she knew, she was sobbing. Covering her mouth…she tried to breathe deep and calm herself, she didn’t want to wake Mike now that he was sleeping. He had taken his father’s absence well, even though he had asked every so often - when would he be back…she could tell, that he too missed him. Especially on those days they were all alone in the cabin, a sadness enveloping him. She knew he wanted his father, but he never said a word about it. Ferrus, Leon and Jordan tried to keep him busy, so he had plenty to keep him occupied, even so, no one could replace his father.

  Suddenly in his cloud of loneliness, he’d realize that his mother was lonely too, and he’d hug and kiss her, telling her that he loved her, and that she was the best mother in the whole wide world. He understood her pain somehow, and showed it every time she was in this mood. Sitting there, Lena prayed for an end of this misery she couldn’t shake; prayed for the strength to deal with what was to come, now that they were back. Some how, she had to find it in her to move on.

  Manny lay in his bed looking over at his wife…the return had been much as he had expected, mostly everyone had come out to greet him in his return, patting him o
n the back and calling; “Welcome back Masta Manny, welcome back.” Morris had been waiting on the porch excited by his return so soon; making sure all welcomed the new Missus of Webster Fields.

  He smiled to himself thinking about Kayleen, she was proper and hospitable, but that was all. He could feel her indifference towards Katherine, and figured she probably felt it as well.

  Once they entered the mansion, Katherine was invited by Morris to have a seat and make herself comfortable. Right away he began questioning her about their trip. Patiently he sat through it all, but as sure as the sun rose he commented saying; “Well that’s all nice, and I’m glad to hear it…but more importantly…I wanna know when my grandchild is to be born!” Blurted as it was, it left Katherine gasping and stunned.

  Manny fumed, “Can we not get in the door before you start dipping into matters that are none of your concern!?” An argument was on that Manny ended by saying, “We’re going to bed, it’s been a long trip, ending as a wet one…goodnight.”

  Morris was immediately apologetic to Katherine, and then to his son. Manny decided to forget the whole incident and on the way up to bed, he turned to his father hugging him admitting, “Believe it or not…I missed you…I really did.” Morris beamed returning his son’s sentiment. Outside of his constant tendencies to pry and control his son’s life, he did love him…he was the only child he had.

  Now, he lay in bed looking at the ceiling…he couldn’t sleep; his homecoming was incomplete, and unfulfilling. Lena had been nowhere to be seen among the others; but then, how could he have expected anything more? Nor had his son been there. ’She could have at least allowed me to see my son.’ He thought petulantly. He had no one else to blame but himself, he knew this… after all, how could she possibly leap into his arms in joy that he’d returned when beside him stood his wife.

  Turning his head in bed he gazed at her once more as she lay there sleeping on her side away from him. She was a beautiful woman; her heavy, black, silky hair, flowing down her back and onto the bed; reaching almost to her waist. She was everything a man would want in a woman, reason he couldn’t understand his problem with her. Making love to her should have been a pleasure, yet it was an uncomfortable affair…he hadn’t been that way before. Before, Lena that is. The moment her name crossed his mind, it happened again, that old familiar feeling that gripped him every time he thought of her. The room suddenly felt stuffy as if he couldn’t breath. He rolled to his side and sat up. He sat there a few moments with his forehead resting in his palms staring at the dark floor. Taking a deep breath he turned to look at his wife, she was sleeping soundly, he turned back rising from the bed.

  Walking over to the captain’s chest in his room there sat decanters of cognac, port and scotch whiskey and two glasses. He poured himself a shot of brandy and threw it to the back of his throat, and then poured a second one to sip more slowly. It was late, past midnight, everyone would be asleep.

  Moments ticked by with him standing, nude, staring at his dim reflection cast in the mirror. He noted his disheveled hair from a restless attempt at sleep, accompanied by a day’s growth of beard on his face. Disgruntled he combed his fingers through his hair, feeling a need to do something. Oblivious to his nudity he found himself slipping out onto his balcony; there was a cool drizzle falling, chilling the air that he welcomed against his hot skin.

  It was really dark, neither the moon nor the stars could be seen because of the hovering clouds and foggy mist hanging thick and heavy. Sipping again, he couldn’t stop himself from peering through the night in the direction of her cabin that could be otherwise seen from his vantage point; the reason he had built her cabin where he could see her, and vice versa. There was a sudden break in the fog that lent him a brief view of a lantern light shining from what he knew was her cabin. She was awake…that confirmed it.

  ‘Are you alone? Would any man dare to approach you knowing…that… you are mine?’ Manny swallowed the sudden lump in his throat, his face turning red – realizing he had no further right to such a statement; he couldn’t get himself to care about the rights and wrongs of his thinking. ‘You wouldn’t do that to me…you couldn’t. You love me…I know you - love me.’ Manny closed his eyes at the thought; he knew and had always known that he was loved by her. But her pride, her spirit and life of privilege would not allow her to be anything less than what she was to him; she was a glowing prize to be won over and not easily …no…not at all easy.

  It was that, that made him certain, that she would never roll over to another from him. Even when it was he who freed her to do so; she was too proper and…loyal. Manny turned re-entering his room, involuntarily shivering as his body stood glistening slick from standing in the moist drizzle, then chill bumps raced over him, making him take the last sips of brandy. Already the drink was loosening him up a bit, relaxing him, in a sense, freeing him. Quietly he dressed himself, exiting their room like a thief in the night, slipping down the back service stairs, along the hall to the kitchen and out the back door.

  Skipping across the damp lawn to avoid small puddles he was further across than he realized, stopping just short of the porch; afraid to go any further for what he might find. Because of the thick fog, all he could see was the bottom steps, but the breeze stirred to clear an opening when a frightened scream lit the air, cut immediately short.

  Lena had been unable to sleep knowing that right across the lawn in the mansion he slept with his wife. Though at first she fought it, she was compelled to come out and look up at his room’s balcony as she’d done many times before; only to be frightened by his un-expected presence.

  “Lena! It is just me - I’m – I’m sorry it was not my intent to startle you.” He apologized quickly realizing what had happened. At the same time humiliation washed over him. After all…he was a married man now, not by his own will… but because of the will of his father; because of the restrictive constraints and limitations imposed upon him by the society he found himself in. Already feelings of resentment stirred within due to being forced to sneak around his own domain while his conscience burned. Where previous, he was a man in his own right - with no one to answer to for the choices he made. Now - he must feel ashamed for this thing he could not control concerning Lena. He’d always tried to live in a way that kept his character above moral reproach and shame. Here he was, becoming the very type of man, he’d always despised. Yet…he moved closer instead of turning and fleeing before it was too late.

  Lena stood stunned in disbelief that he was actually there, her insides knotted up at the sight of him. “What are you doing here?” She asked in quiet tones, trying to control her sudden deep breathing.

  “I - I could not sleep…I noticed your lantern on.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Is - is Mikey sleeping?” Feelings of ridiculousness made him color red as soon as the words left his mouth, but he was stumbling over several feelings that he could not sort out at that moment. Because of his present circumstances, everything about his confidence faltered, angering him again.

  “Manny? What else would he be? The hour is late, of course he is sleeping. You can see him tomorrow… please…I need you to leave.”

  Unexplained anger shot through him. “Why?! Do you have someone in there?!” He climbed the first step in a threatening manner, feeling heat flush him once more. Lena was stunned by his show of anger and the audacity of it, suddenly her own indignation rose. “What - I – do, in my cabin is no longer any of your affair! If you need reminding, I am free - to do as I wish, with whomever - I wish!”

  “When it comes to my son…it is and will always be - my affair!”

  “It is late and I will not have this dispute with you, fine…the only person within my cabin is my son-…”

  “Our son!” He reminded her.

  “…-and he is sleeping. You can see him tomorrow.” She informed him again.

  Aggression swept him as he blurted, “I will see him anytime I damn well please! You will not dictate
to me when it is that I may come to see him.”

  Lena stood bristling in anger…she wasn’t sure why he was there at this time of night, but she couldn’t handle it. It was obvious that breaking her heart and humiliating her was not enough for him.

  He was back to inflict more injury to her soul. She felt as if he were ripping her from the inside out. She turned from him trying still to bring her breathing under control but could not; he had that effect on her. She needed something to hold onto and went to one of the supporting posts on either side of the steps, grabbing hold of it as if it were a lifesaver. She couldn’t look at him, but spoke with a trembling voice. “Manny – please – I haven’t a care of what you do, go…go see your son… just - leave me be.” She sounded tired, weak, beaten, without the usual spirit to challenge him as she always had. He stood gazing at her feeling like a heel; overwhelming emotions prevented him from saying anything more.

  Unable to think of what more he could do, or say, he pretended his son was his intent from the start and softly passed her to enter the cabin. He strolled through the gently lit dwelling noticing how neat and precise everything was – as it had always been. Though filled with so many things he’d tried providing to keep her in the style she deserved, it wasn’t overcrowded …yet it looked far from belonging to a slave. He had indulged her to the limit…and still, he felt it wasn’t enough. For what he knew of her, she shouldn’t be in a cabin…but a mansion.