Underwater

by Doe, Anna B.

  “No, that’s okay…” I don’t let him finish. “It was silly…”

  I get up from the towel I was sitting on. “I’ll just…” I show with my finger over my shoulder. Turning around, I hurry away.

  My lower lips trembles and tears that have gathered in my eyes burn, but I hold them in. I’m not going to fall apart in front of half the school.

  I’m not.

  A small hiccup escapes my lips. I feel my resolve crumbling. With my head bent down, hidden behind a wall of silky hair, I maneuver through the crowd of people. I need to get out of here.

  Fast.

  But I don’t get far, because a hand curls around my wrist, turning me around and pulling me into a strong chest.

  Ty. My heart skips a beat. He changed his mind.

  But as soon as my nose burrows into a soft cotton shirt, the smell of the ocean and man assaults me.

  Caleb.

  “Let me go,” I mutter, trying to pull my hand out of his. Only he doesn’t let go.

  I keep my gaze fixed to the ground so that he doesn’t see my face. A few tears escaped and are rolling down my cheeks, but no matter how hard I resist, he’s stronger.

  Surfers are obsessed with working out and keeping in shape. It’s not even strange that they have such well-defined bodies with perfectly outlined muscles. They’re not overly bulky like some other jocks, but they have definite muscles.

  Caleb is no exception. His shoulders are wide, waist narrow. He has strong, long arms and legs. His fingers are also long with rough palms, the result of hours upon hours of surfing and working out. He’s wearing a shirt now, but I’ve seen him without one. He has a six pack with that V leading to his swimming trunks that makes my mouth dry every time I see it.

  What? I’m just a mere mortal girl. Can’t blame me for looking.

  With both of my hands securely in his, he lifts my chin up until my eyes meet his. Now they’re darker. More brown than green. And from this close, I can see a small golden speckle in his left eye. It twinkles on the dark iris, almost like it’s winking at me.

  Don’t resist, it says. You’re safe. Let go. Surrender.

  But that’s the only playful thing about him. His face is serious, dark brows drawn together and jaw set in a tight line.

  “Why do you try so hard?” His lips are so close to my ear I can feel his breath touch my skin. The fine hairs at the nape of my neck rise from the tickle of his voice.

  I purse my lips, irritated with his question. Irritated at what he does to my body. Angry that it’s responding to his touch. To his voice.

  “I said, let. Go.” I start pulling my hands out of his grasp, and I free one of them.

  I push against his chest, using all the strength I have, but he doesn’t even take a step back. That wall of strong muscles keeps steady, not moving an inch.

  “You’re acting like a needy puppy when you’re around him, and he doesn’t even care,” he growls, lowering his head closer to mine.

  His nosiness irritates me. Who is he to say these things to me? Why does he even care? I’m nothing to him, and it’s not like his friend is affected by any of it. If anybody is affected, it’s me. If somebody is hurting, it’s me.

  Not him.

  Not Taylor.

  Me.

  “Why do you even care?” I voice my curiosity, my irritation, narrowing my eyes into tiny slits. “What do you get out of this?”

  “Because…” he starts, blinks, opens his mouth to continue, but his words end up hanging in the air.

  My own air gets sucked out of my lungs.

  Why is he this close?

  When did he get here?

  We’re almost nose to nose. I can feel his shallow breathing, our breaths mingling in the small space between our lips.

  His dark eyes widen for a second. Surprised. Just like I feel. Can he see it in my eyes like I can see it in his?

  My heart starts beating harder against my ribcage.

  Faster.

  Furious bump-bump-bump.

  An erratic flutter pumping blood through my veins and making me dizzy. Or maybe it’s his smell? His nearness?

  “Why are you doing this?” I whisper, broken.

  What is happening to me? I want Taylor. I’ve been in love with him for as long as I can remember, but now nothing is the same. I’m not the same. With that stupid curse looming over my head, I have to act quickly or I’ll lose everything I know. Everybody I have. But at the same time, it’s making me feel all these things.

  Frustration.

  Hurt.

  Need.

  Anger.

  Disappointment…

  So many bad feelings are rolling in my heart, I don’t know which one is which. And on top of it all is Caleb.

  Dark, broody, demanding Caleb.

  The boy who sees way more than he should see.

  The boy who looks at me with those taunting, beautiful eyes, like he knows way more than he should know.

  Like he feels way more than he should feel.

  If only he would keep all those things to himself, but no.

  He’s making me feel, too.

  He’s making me look at him, too.

  “I’ll make him notice you, if you let me,” he whispers softly.

  His lips brush against mine as he murmurs and I can feel my whole body shiver.

  “W-what?” I stutter, confused.

  Caleb lets my hands fall out of his grip and cups my cheeks. “There’s nothing quite like seeing another guy closing in on the girl you like to make you react.”

  His fingers brush against my cheek, making me swallow hard. He sees the tears.

  I see you, Marissa.

  The thought makes fresh tears gather in my eyes.

  “Let me be that guy for you, Marissa.”

  My hands grip the soft fabric of his shirt, crumpling it in my palms.

  Not pushing him away, but not quite pulling him closer either.

  I shake my head. “I can’t.”

  He leans even closer, his lips touching my cheek. “Why not?”

  “It’s not right.”

  Caleb looks right into my eyes. His are hooded, pupils dilated. Suddenly it feels hot. So hot, not even the night ocean breeze can help cool me down. Caleb’s thumb traces my lower lip, his eyes concentrating on the movement.

  “On the contrary. It feels right,” he whispers. “So fucking right.”

  My breath gets stuck in my lungs, and my eyes widen in surprise.

  Caleb leans forward, his gaze fixed on my mouth.

  He’s going to kiss me. And not just an accidental brush of lips.

  A real kiss.

  I know it in every bone of my body. Every cell. My skin tingles from his touch. His nearness. His hands on my cheeks feel like the hottest fire and the coolest ocean all at once. Soothing and tingling. Beautiful and terrifying.

  Leaning backward, I untangle my hand from his shirt. My finger touches his lips.

  He looks at me, confusion written all over his face.

  “Marissa?”

  I shake my head, once again, tears falling down my cheeks. “I can’t.”

  Then, I get out of his hands―his big, warm, safe hands―and run away.

  Caleb

  “Marissa!” I yell after her, but she doesn’t stop, nor does she turn around.

  Curious heads turn my way but I ignore them, anger boiling through my veins. I want to punch something, but there is nothing close enough, so I settle for kicking one lone rock hard into the ocean. The pain radiates through my foot, but I welcome it. I’d rather take any type of physical pain than feel this anguish in my chest.

  He made her fucking cry, and he doesn’t even care. Maybe I should punch Ty instead of kicking some innocent rock all around the beach.

  You made her cry, too, you moron.

  My chest squeezes painfully. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her even more, but it seems like whenever I’m around, bad shit happens. It’s like destiny itself is telli
ng me to back the fuck off because we’re just not meant to be.

  Maybe it’s my destiny to watch her love another guy and suffer. That would be poetic or some shit like that.

  Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair, pulling furiously.

  What the hell came over me?

  It’s like I was under a spell. Having Marissa’s small, curvy body close to me has that effect on me.

  Her ocean-like eyes call me in, enchanting me and I swear, I’d do anything just to have them look at me with their innocence and shine just a heartbeat longer. It’s no wonder I tried to kiss her.

  Tried to fucking kiss her.

  I’ve been imaging it for years. How she’d feel in my arms. So right and perfect. Her soft body clinging to my hard. Two complete opposites that somehow find a way to belong together. Her smell is intoxicating. The sweetest of flowers and the first breath of ocean under the early morning sun. It’s my undoing. I think I could press my head into the crook of her neck, my nose tracing the silky skin behind her ear, and die a happy man.

  “Where did Marissa run off to?” Taylor asks, standing next to me.

  My hands ball into fists by my sides, knuckles turning white with the force of my hold. I didn’t want to punch my friend in the face, but if one of us doesn’t walk away from here and soon, I’ll do just that. And I won’t even feel sorry.

  “Sometimes you’re so clueless, Ty,” I growl.

  Walking past him, my shoulder pushes against his, and I welcome the pain that radiates through my arm from the force of the impact.

  Because I’m not a good guy.

  I’m a jackass who makes a girl cry.

  I’m not honorable.

  I’m an asshole who wants to kiss her when she’s at her most vulnerable.

  And I’m definitely not knight in shining armor material.

  I’m the guy who can’t stop thinking about a girl who doesn’t even see him because she’s fallen too hard for his best friend.

  But that doesn’t matter.

  Nothing does.

  Because I can see her and I’ll do my best so she finally sees me.

  MARISSA

  After the bonfire party, I do my best to avoid Caleb.

  When I got home that night, I tossed and turned, but there was nothing that would make me fall asleep. I was too restless.

  My whole body tingled from his touch. I could still feel the press of his soft lips against mine. The way the cool metal piercing touched my lip. It was just a brush, not even a real press, but I could feel it everywhere. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With my finger, I traced the outline of my lips until my hand got numb from the motion.

  What would it feel like to really be kissed by Caleb?

  I wasn’t a prude by any means. I was kissed the first time in eighth grade. We were playing Seven Minutes in Heaven when George Kealoha kissed me. It was awkward, wet and sloppy, and after that I swore I wouldn’t do it again. Then, just a year later, I was asked to the winter formal by Jeremy McCartney.

  He was cute, a year older, and although I wanted to go with Ty, he didn’t bother asking, so Noel made me accept Jeremy’s offer. Jeremy was nice and funny, we danced the whole evening and by the end of it, we sneaked outside where he kissed me. It was soft and sweet, nothing like that first time, but he wasn’t Taylor. I was kind of relieved when he had to move a few weeks later with his family.

  Since then, there hasn’t been anyone. Until Caleb’s almost kiss, the barely noticeable brush of his lips against mine.

  Just thinking about it made my blood boil. And although I wanted to tell myself it’s in irritation and anger―because how dare he―I couldn’t lie to myself. The idea of Caleb Reed kissing me makes my heart beat faster.

  I want it.

  I want him to kiss me.

  That’s what I realized that night. And it scared me. It scared the hell out of me, because I shouldn’t want him. I shouldn’t think about him or want his kisses. I shouldn’t dream of his touches or stay awake for hours thinking about him.

  So I resorted to avoiding him.

  Thankfully, we don’t have any classes together, but sometimes I see him in the hallways. I can feel his eyes on me when we sit on opposite sides of the cafeteria. And I swear I can feel it… I can feel the pull between us.

  Strong, undeniable, terrifying.

  Noel asked me what happened that night, but I couldn’t tell her. With all the other problems, I couldn’t… I shouldn’t spend time thinking about Caleb. Nothing good will come of it.

  Just heartache and pain. And I have enough of that as it is.

  So I shrugged the whole thing off, playing the tired card and asking her to help me come up with something new to draw Ty’s attention because I was running out of ideas. Only nothing worked.

  In the last week, I tried dressing and acting more girly. I tried touching him casually and talking about the things he liked, but I didn’t get the look he gave me at the bonfire party. I never got to see those blue eyes of his darken in wonder and curiosity. For Taylor, I was just Marissa.

  His friend.

  And a part of me died with every failure.

  The early morning breeze plays with the edge of my sundress, lifting it in the air and twirling it around my legs. Thank God I lifted my hair in a high ponytail this morning, or my face would be full of hair and that’s the last thing I want in this moment.

  Nervously, I brush the palms of my hands down my dress, straightening the material.

  This is a terrible idea, says the reasonable half of me.

  You’re desperate, so you can’t be picky, says the devil on my other shoulder.

  Tuning them both off, I continue my early morning stroll on the beach. I wasn’t sure Caleb would be here, but I was hoping my gut feeling was right. After all, we met around here that morning. The morning after the storm.

  Remembering it still causes the fine hair on my neck to rise, fear closing in on me. I don’t want to feel trapped like that ever again.

  I come closer to the ocean, the sound of the waves calling me. I wish I could take off my dress and go for a swim, but that will have to wait for later tonight. No matter how strong the pull of the ocean is or how much my body yearns to swim, I can’t risk people seeing me. My friends seeing me. It would raise a lot of questions I can’t answer.

  “Morning swim?”

  I close my eyes, letting his voice roll over me, drinking it in. My body shivers and realization hits me.

  I missed it.

  I missed him.

  This past week has been too long and hard. Trying to avoid people is never easy, especially not in a town the size of ours. You’re doomed to bump into each other no matter where you go.

  Getting control over my face, I turn around to look at him. “Just a morning walk.”

  Caleb is handsome as ever. The early morning light doesn’t take away from his beauty; it only intensifies it, if that’s possible. His eyes are the color of moss today, and his sleep-mussed hair shines brightly under the rise of the sun. He hasn’t shaved yet, so a light coat of dark stubble covers his jaw, making him look more man than boy.

  He’s wearing a dark blue body suit, and his azure board with a white stripe down the middle is secured on his side.

  “What about you?” I lift my chin in the direction of the board. “Plan to catch some waves?”

  Caleb nods his head, rubbing his scruffy jaw. “That was the plan.”

  I nod my head, staring at him. The sun makes his white teeth flash brightly as he nibbles at his full lower lip, playing with his piercing.

  My eyes fall down, following his every movement as the silence stretches.

  Finally he lets the poor lip go, slowly exhaling. My eyes snap back to his, and I know I was totally busted staring.

  “Listen, about the…”

  I shake my head. Taking a step closer, I lift my hand and press my finger against his lips.

  His warm breath touches my skin, and I return to that night last
week. The bright glow of the bonfire. Dark night. Loud music. His lips brushing against mine.

  The need to stand on the tips of my toes and resolve myself of the unknown is strong. I want to know if his lips would really feel as soft against mine as they do against my finger. I want to know how he tastes and bury my head in the crook of his neck to breathe him in. Feel his strong body pressed against mine.

  “You were right.”

  “I shouldn’t…” He blinks, moss eyes focusing on me. “I was? About what?”

  A soft giggle escapes me at his surprised expression.

  “You were.” I nod again, letting my hand fall back to my side, the loss of connection leaving a big void in my stomach. “I… I’ve been trying to get Ty to notice me.” I swallow hard. “As more than just a friend, but no matter what I do, he’s just… clueless.”

  It’s hard to lift my head and face Caleb, but I make myself do it. I can’t ask him something like this without being honest, no matter how hard it feels to open up.

  I don’t know what I was expecting to see, but his face is a mask of nothingness. The bright glow that just a second ago was dancing in his irises is gone, and all I can see is darkness in his stoic face.

  Something flashes in his eyes. I narrow mine, trying to figure it out, but it’s gone too quickly, making me question if I even saw it in the first place.

  “A while ago, Noelani suggested something similar to what you said at the bonfire last week. I want to give it a try.”

  Caleb’s dark eyes probe at me. I don’t look away, although he makes me uncomfortable.

  “What do you want to try?” he asks me, his voice low and hard.

  This time, the shivers that run through my body aren’t nearly as comfortable as the ones before.

  “I want to make Ty jealous.” My tongue darts out, wetting my suddenly dry lips. “And I need your help in doing so.”

  A lazy smirk curls his lips, the sleepy boy who joined me on the beach now completely lost. He takes a step forward, his body brushing against mine. Dark eyes take me in from head to toe.

  “Okay, baby doll,” he murmurs against my ear. “But we play by my rules.”