Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  “I don’t want you to see him by yourself. If he asks you to meet him, you let me know and I’ll go with you.”

  “Why is it such a big deal?”

  “I don’t trust him and neither should you, Natalie. I find it strange that he isn’t answering his phone after something happened to you. After you passed-out randomly. You were fine while you were with me. That doesn’t bother you? It sure as hell bothers me. Unlike that idiot, I care.”

  As I stare at Nolan, that’s when what Brittany said to me at the coffee shop comes to mind. She dated him and passed out at one of his parties. She couldn’t remember anything but she woke up sore and tried to call him for weeks but he wasn’t answering.

  I try to conceal my emotions and luckily it works because I don’t want Nolan to see me get all panicky. “We’ll talk about it later, okay?”

  I don’t leave him time to respond because I’m out of my bedroom and hurrying for the balcony. I take a deep breath and brush it off. It’s my birthday and right now I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to assume that Tyler may actually be harmful after he’s been such a gentleman towards me.

  I call my parents and luckily they’re both together because it spares me the need to make two phone calls. It’s been a week since I’ve talked to my parents but that’s only because they’ve been extremely busy. Dad is booked for the next month and has been working under the hood and beneath cars constantly and Mom always volunteers to work overtime at the hospital, as always. She tells me she’s been shopping a lot more so that’s a good sign. She’s finally starting to open up to her creative side.

  “Nat, you gotta let me see the new hair-do,” my dad says.

  I laugh. Ever since I’ve brought it up, he’s been asking me to snap a picture. “I’ll take a picture and send it later, Dad. Harper and I are going out so when I’m dressed and nice-looking I can send you one.”

  “You’re always nice-looking to me, Nat,” he says.

  “Yeah, I agree!” my mom interrupts. “But I do want to see. I’ve always wondered what jet-black would look like on you. I bet it’s hot.”

  “It’s awesome, Mom. I love it.” Nolan comes into view, bringing me back to where I really am. Back to reality and a ton of confusion. When I talk to my parents, I always get excited. I’m always pulled away from the world because lately they’ve been making me smile like an idiot. I miss them and it’s a good thing I’m going to see them for Christmas. “Guys, I have to go. It was nice talking to you and thanks for the birthday wishes. I love you so much.”

  “We love you, too, Nat,” my dad says. “And don’t forget my pic. I’ve got to see this.”

  “I won’t,” I giggle.

  “Love you, Natty!” my mom calls.

  They hang up and I sigh, turning around to look at Nolan. He’s already smiling at me, his head tilted and his eyes curious. “Seems like things are a lot better between your parents,” he says.

  “Things are much better,” I sigh. “I’m glad they’re happy again.”

  “Yeah. Now it’s our turn to be.”

  I pull my lips in and bite on them, forcing myself to keep my eyes on him. “Are you coming out for dinner tonight?” I ask quickly, hoping it will overcome how turned on I am.

  “Yep. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ll just have to text me and let me know where we’ll be eating at.” He takes a few steps forward to get to me and as his solid, bare chest brushes against mine, I inhale sharply. “You were probably thinking about what happened between me and Sharon in California when you walked away from me last night, weren’t you?”

  “How’d you know?” I ask sarcastically.

  “I know you. You never let shit go.”

  “Not true,” I say, scowling at him.

  “Very true, Bunny.”

  “It’s only if that person means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. I just need to know you won’t do it again. Promise me.”

  “I promise I’ll never do it again, Natalie. I told you I want to change. I fucked up—I know—but I swear on both of my parents’ graves that I will never hurt you like that again. I’m putting it on my parents, Natalie. That’s saying a lot.”

  I look into his soft grey eyes and a smile touches his lips. I know it means a lot. When it comes down to his parents it means he’s taking the situation seriously. He lifts my knuckles to his lips and kisses them. His lips are warm and his breath tickles my skin as he stares into my eyes. He then leans forward to press those lips against my cheek. I ignite on the inside and without even realizing it, I’ve moved in closer.

  Chuckling, he brings his head down, his lips colliding with mine. I tangle my fingers through his silky, dark hair as he lifts me up to hold me in his arms. Hooking my legs around his waist, I sink against his chest and he makes his way to my bedroom.

  After he’s shut the door behind him with his foot, he lays me on the bed and his lips trail down to my neck. “One for the road, Bunny,” he murmurs, pulling my pajama shorts down.

  I melt between his fingers and allow him to go for it. What do I have to lose?

  Chapter Thirty

  Nolan

  After Dawson and Harper got back with my car, I was on my way home to get ready for work. As I enter the apartment, Mills has his headphones on and is dancing in the kitchen. I’ve never seen him so alive . . . not since Mom’s death.

  “I take it you got a good blow-job and a nice piece of ass this morning,” I say as he removes his headphones.

  He chuckles, pouring some milk into his cereal. “The ass was great but the blow-job was even better,” he smirks. “But that’s not the only reason I’m excited. Just checked the mail and saw that we have the check for selling Mom’s house to the bank. They gave us forty-six thousand dollars for it, Nolan. Way more than we were supposed to get. Do you know what we can do with that?” he asks, almost in a squeal.

  My eyes stretch as I watch him dig into the back pocket of his khaki pants to pull out a single half-sheet of paper. “You’re kidding.” I take a step towards him and yank it out of his hand.

  “I wouldn’t lie. We’re done stressing, bro. I know we shouldn’t be happy since it was Mom’s home and she loved it but I know she wants this for us. She wants us to get our own place—plus I’m tired of being roommates with a fag.”

  I punch his arm and he laughs, reaching for his cereal. “I’ll let you know right now that Natalie and I are on good terms. Last night was . . . unbelievable. I don’t even want to tell you ‘cause it might make you feel bad about your sex game.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with my sex game.” He raises an eyebrow along with another smirk. “I know you hear Lorie at night sometimes. She’s a screamer.”

  “Nah,” I shake my head. “I never hear anything. You must be doing something wrong.”

  “Yeah,” he scoffs. “Whatever.” He takes a bite of his cereal and I sigh, leaning against the wall. “So Natalie isn’t dating the other kid anymore?”

  I shrug. “I don’t think she was ever dating him. I think she was just using him to distract herself from me. After last night, I don’t think she’ll be talking to him anymore. It’s her birthday so Dawson and I will be going out to eat with her and Harper.”

  “Sounds cool.”

  “Yeah,” I agree. “It is cool. It’s good to feel alive again, you know? I don’t know how she does it, but there’s always something about her that makes my heart beat faster. Shit’s never happened to me with a girl before.”

  “Pussy whipped,” Mills snorts over his bowl of cereal.

  “Shut the hell up. Lorie owns your ass.”

  Rolling his eyes, he steps past me while shoveling another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. “She wishes.” He fishes his keys out of the pockets of his khakis before turning to face me. “I’m about to head to work, though. Dino told me to come in early to help set up a stand for a school field trip.” He places his bowl in the sink and then steps out of the kitchen. “Oh, that letter from Dad is on yo
ur bed. Make sure you read it sometime soon.”

  I nod as he makes his way to the living room. The door creaks open and then slams shut behind him and I bring a hand up to run it through my hair. I make my way to my bedroom and sure enough there is a folded sheet of paper lying on the middle of my bed. My heart races as I stare at it. I’m not sure what’s been written inside of it. What should I expect? I don’t want to read it just yet because it may take me back to wallowing all over again. I don’t want to feel the pain. I don’t want to relive the memories right now. I miss both of my parents but what my dad may have written might not be good to read while I’m actually in a good mood.

  Instead of going for it, I hurry to the bathroom to take a quick shower. After my shower, I wrap a towel around my waist and go out to my bedroom again to pull my uniform out of my closet.

  I try to distract myself from grabbing the letter and reading it but it becomes nearly impossible. After tugging my shirt over my head, sliding into my pants, and then gelling my hair, I sigh as I face the letter once again.

  I decide I have nothing to lose so I grab it. The edges are crumpled and it looks a bit aged. I can see the ink through the folds and as I begin to unfold it, my heart beats louder and louder. The banging of my heart drowns all other sounds out as I finally get it open and read it.

  To Nolan AKA my Dream Chaser

  Have you ever caught one of those bad vibes during one of the best times of your life? I just performed one of the best shows of my life but I’m feeling a negative vibe tonight and you know I always write when I’m feeling a certain way. Of course, you’re the only one who actually takes the time out to read what I have to say. You and I have a bonding with words. It’s powerful and it’s kind of awesome that I’ve passed this gene down.

  Music and words. It’s what we live for, right?

  I don’t ever want you to change that. I never want you to forget about what you really love to do. I don’t expect you to get famous or even want to be famous. Like me, you want people to hear you out a little. You want to be humble with it.

  Sometimes stress can get in the way of our dreams. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair but I want you to know that life is just what it is. Life. We can’t control it and we will never be able to. All we can do is hope for the best and make sure we don’t do anything that will make Karma want to stomp on our hearts with a pointy stiletto.

  You know we’ve never been okay with money. I took up the gigs at bars to make some extra cash for us and to be the best dad I can be. Even though we don’t have it as good as we should, I know nothing will change between us all.

  I’m not sure why I felt like writing this to you. I know if I’m okay tomorrow, I will never show it to you in my entire life but if I’m not okay . . . well your mother will know what to do with it. She’ll know when to give this letter to you.

  You and Mills are my world. I don’t know what the heck I would do without you two boys. You get on my nerves, yeah, but it’s all love. It’s who we are. I want you to carry on what I taught you. I want you to practice every day, like I told you, and if you have to, make sure you stay up ‘til the late hours just to perfect your song. I know you’re already doing it, but continue it.

  Always remember that when you have a passion for something, you can only make it stronger. When you are so deeply in love with something or even someone, you hang onto it. Never let it go. Love is everything in this world, whether we want to believe it or not. Love is what keeps some of us internal lunatics sane. I love you, little man. That’s a guarantee and it will never change. Even if I’m long gone, you’ll still feel the presence of me and my love.

  Peace, family, love, and music. It’s all we’ve got.

  Love,

  Dad

  I don’t know how many times I read over this letter but with each word, I feel a tear fall. I feel my heart breaking all over again and I know it’s not what he intended for me but it’s happening. He knew something was going to happen to him. But how? How did he know he was going to be an accidental target? My Dad always knew when something bad was going to happen to someone, especially himself. I always used to think he was psychic because he always knew when something was wrong with my Mom or even us.

  Bringing my arm up, I swipe the tears away and then take a deep breath. His letter has actually made me feel better because he’s right. I’ve been slacking on playing my guitar since my mother died along with all of the shit I’ve gone through with Natalie.

  I pull my phone out and text Natalie, telling her that I love her. After I send it, I grab my keys and hurry down the stairs of my complex to get to my car and head for work.

  ****

  There are four floors of the museum and I’m covering the first floor today; Mills has the third. It isn’t very busy today which is a good thing because Dad’s letter has been heavy on my mind since I’ve placed it down. It’s not that I feel depressed about it, it’s just weird to know that he knew I would want to stop playing at some point.

  I love my guitar but during my stress with Natalie, I hardly touched it. I’ve actually been avoiding being at home just so I wouldn’t come up with a heart wrenching song about me and Natalie’s relationship. I only play when I don’t want to think but thinking was consuming me at one time.

  A woman comes into the museum with a pink purse and bold red lipstick. As she removes her scarf, I know exactly who she is. Mrs. Reese. She comes every other Sunday and looks at the same things over and over again. After losing her husband, she’s made it a ritual to show up each Sunday. She told us once before that her husband used to bring her to this very museum once a month on a Sunday. I can’t blame her for continuing it.

  “Hi, Mrs. Reese.” I wave as I meet up to her and she smiles, the wrinkles forming around her eyes and cheeks.

  “You’re Nolan, right?”

  “Yeah,” I laugh.

  “Sorry. I always get you and Mills mixed up. You two look so much alike. I think the only reason I can tell the difference is because of your eyes.”

  I shrug like it’s no big deal. “You ready to start your tour?”

  “Always ready,” she says, hooking her arm through mine. I lead her to the first statue and she stares at it in awe, as if she’s never seen it before. I can’t help but smile down at her because for an elderly woman, she has a fresh soul. She’s still young at heart which is why I enjoy seeing her so much. After her husband died, she was still smiling. She would always tell me everything happens for a reason, whether we’re to understand it or not.

  After receiving that check in the mail, I figured it was the reason of my mother dying. It’s a terrible reason because I’d rather be roommates with Mills for the rest of my life and deep in debt than have my mother dead but I’m glad to know we have something to look forward to. All we can do is look ahead. There’s no looking back anymore.

  Mills and I have been struggling ever since we’ve moved to Miami. He doesn’t like to talk about it and neither do I because it’s embarrassing to us both. We tried to run from home and act like men but ended up in more debt than we could handle. We have more bills than money which is never a good thing but that check is going to help us out a lot. It’s almost a miracle for us because we’ve been looking for our breakthrough.

  With my half, I’ll get an apartment, keep working, and continue school to get my degree. Mills wants to continue being a tourist but he also wants to take up a degree in Law school. He mentioned before that he wants to do it because the world isn’t fair. It’s been one of his goals since our father died to fight against crime and soon he’ll be moving with Lorie back to California.

  “You know, you’re a sweet boy, Nolan,” Mrs. Reese says, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Why do you say that?” I ask as we make our way to the caveman section.

  “You remind me of my son. He’s a handsome devil and has lots of girls calling his phone. I’m sure you have dozens of them chasing you as well, but you’re humble. You’re not
cocky, you’re confident, just like he is. I adore that in men. I’ve never liked men that had their heads stuck up their own asses.”

  I snort a laugh and she squeezes my arm as she laughs with me. “Thanks, Mrs. Reese. That actually means a lot to me. Trust me, though, I don’t have girls after me. I only have one that I want to be with.”

  “Well, I’m glad. Someone as handsome as you doesn’t need to be on the market. I’m sure you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself.”

  I sigh with a smile because she doesn’t even know the half of it. Instead of telling her that I was once lost, I explain to her about the cavemen. It’s kind of pointless but she loves to hear everything over again and I don’t mind repeating it. I know it all by heart anyway.

  The sun begins to spill through the tall, rectangular windows as we make our way to the main lobby. Half of the day has passed and I’ve never felt so good. I’ve never been this meek in my entire life. For once, I feel okay again. I can breathe again.

  “It was great seeing you, Nolan. I don’t think I can make it up the stairs right now—weak knees and all—but send Mills my greetings.”

  “Will do, Mrs. Reese.” She smiles, patting my arm before turning around and placing her red scarf over her grey hair. Pushing out of the door, she makes a right turn and begins her stroll.

  I sigh heavily, gazing out of the window. I then pull my phone out and check the time. In thirty minutes I’ll be seeing my Bunny again. It’s only been a few hours but I find it fascinating that she’s the only person I can think of and want to be with. She’s truly my other half. Bunny . . . soft, sweet, and cuddly. Who doesn’t love a Bunny? The one I picture Natalie being is pure white. Button nose. Innocent. Soft, quiet . . . great at humping. I laugh at myself over the last thought.

  I look up again to take in the sunset but then I see a familiar tall, blonde-haired guy pass by. Realizing exactly who he is, my fists clench immediately and I rush for the door, pressing my palm against the glass to get it open. Tyler flinches from the sound of the thud and spins around as I step out.