I'll Be Seeing You

by A. P. Hallmark

  Wearing my black suit, white shirt and my favorite tie, I make my way downstairs, wheeling my case filled with what I need for the presentation.

  After four hours of talking, explaining, and arguing my theory, I have to rub elbows and play nice. In general, kiss ass just so my project gets the recognition and funding I need to get it off the ground. I'm tired and I'm hungry, so I make my excuses that I'm meeting my parents for dinner and that they are expecting me. Saying my goodbyes, I turn to head back to the hotel.

  I think it went well. I had the room’s attention and answers for every question.

  "Doctor, before you go, I want to personally introduce myself. I'm Dr. Jennifer Adams. If your project is approved, and I believe it will be, I will be your liaison here at the Center," she explains, holding her hand out to me.

  "It's nice to meet you, Doctor," I return, feeling her firm handshake. "I saw that you were busy talking to the board, and I didn't want to disturb you, but I wanted to catch you before you left. Do you have plans for dinner? I know of a few great places where we can sit and talk about your research."

  "I would love to, Dr. Adams, but my parents flew in from Chicago to meet me for dinner tonight. Perhaps on my next trip?" I explain. I wouldn't have minded her company, but my parents did make the trip especially for me.

  "I would like that. As soon as we get the word that your research has been approved, I will be in contact. Good luck with it, Dr. Davis. I've read your memorandum and report, and I am thoroughly impressed. It's very well written and thought out. I'm anxious to see where you go with it as a breakthrough procedure." She smiles as she turns to leave.

  On the way back to the hotel, I lay my head back on the seat of the taxi and close my eyes, fighting my mind from thinking of Joy. Thankfully, my phone vibrates in my pocket.

  "Hello, Maddie," I answer, exhausted.

  "Hi, Matthew. Something’s wrong with Joy. She won't come out of her apartment, and Laura says she looks really bad. She told me not to say anything to you, but do you know what’s wrong with her?" She asks without taking a breath. "She can’t keep anything down, so she won't eat."

  "What’s Laura doing for her? Did she take her to see her doctor? Did you give her water?" I ask, thinking she may be dehydrated.

  "She won't take anything. She won't drink anything either. What the hell happened, Matthew?"

  "I would take her to Urgent Care. It sounds like she could be exhausted and dehydrated. Get Brian to carry her out of that apartment if necessary. But lock up Conrad first, he may get angry if Joy is kicking and fighting," I suggest, looking at my watch. "I don't get in until the day after tomorrow. Take her to the doctor, and let me know what they say, will you? Call me as soon as you hear anything, do you hear me?"

  "Yes, Matthew. I’ll get Brian over here now and call you as soon as I hear anything.”

  After dinner with my parents, all I can think about is Joy. Maddie texted me and it’s what I figured, Joy is severely dehydrated and depressed.

  I spend the following day shopping, sightseeing and going to the Guggenheim with my parents, then to the theater to see Phantom of the Opera. It was difficult to hide the fact I was thinking of Joy the entire day, but I believe everyone had a good time nonetheless.

  After saying my farewells to my parents the following morning, I can't get home fast enough. Landing six hours later, I turn my cell back on, and there’s a text waiting from Maddie.

  Joy’s in the hospital. Harborview. ~ Maddie

  "Fuck," I spew out loud.

  "What is it?" Jessie asks, looking at me, frowning.

  "Joy's in the hospital. I need to go there first. If you don't want to come with me, you'll have to get your own cab," I say, handing my bag off to the driver, telling him to get me to Harborview.

  After arriving at Joy's room, what I see lying before me makes my stomach turn. She’s white as a sheet and gaunt.

  "What the hell, Maddie?"

  "She's been throwing up stomach bile. She can't eat or drink anything because she only throws it up. She was disoriented in her apartment. Laura said that she knew her apartment just as much as we know our own homes, but she was literally walking into furniture," Maddie explains. "Did you talk to her at all?"

  "No,” I answer, angry at myself for not contacting her.

  "She's bad. See if you can get her to respond to you." Looking behind me, Jessie and Laura are watching over her. Her body is tiny under the lightweight hospital blanket.

  "Maddie, go see if you can get her another blanket. She has to be freezing. Make sure they warm it for her." I walk over to her and see her lifeless body, and if I didn't know any better, one would think she was dead.

  "Joy, what are you doing, baby?" I whisper to her and stroke her forehead. I lean down and kiss her cold cheek. I hear a faint whimper.

  "Joy, can you hear me? It's Matthew," I say, laying my cheek against hers.

  "Matthew, what the hell?" Jessie says quietly, walking up to the other side of the bed. "She looks bad," he says, pulling her blanket up higher on her shoulder.

  "I know." I kiss her cheek again. "Joy, open your eyes."

  "Dude, she can't see, remember?" Jessie says, giving me a dumb look.

  "I would give you an equally stupid answer, but I'm too tired and worried about her to bother. I just want to know if she's awake."

  "Joy, baby, please say something," I encourage her.

  "Matthew?" she whispers, barely audible and not moving.

  "Yes, it's me. It's Matthew." I lower my forehead to hers, relieved that she spoke to me.

  ~.~

  Two weeks after my return from New York, I make my first trip to the café. I know it's a risk, but one I'm willing to take. It’s my getaway place where I can just sit and enjoy some quiet time away from the office.

  Maddie says that Joy’s doing better now. She’s stopped trying to call me, so I presume she has moved on. I hope she's happy. I have to believe that. I need to believe that.

  I have a new patient that I will be performing surgery on the following Monday, and I need to focus on reviewing his case. His case is very similar to Peggy Miller's, whose procedure was very successful. She has regained a large portion of her sight already. It will take some time, but I expect she will have full use of her eyesight with the assistance of eyeglasses.

  "Hello, Myra," I say, pulling my wallet out of my pocket and laying a ten on the counter.

  "Oh, Doctor Davis, I’m so glad to see you," she beams. "I was hoping we would see you again. Miss Joy hasn't been the same. She came in every day, waiting for you, but gave up after a while. I haven't seen her since," she says with a rueful look. I give her a half-assed grin, as if she thinks I will have anything to say to that. I’m wondering why she felt it necessary to even ingratiate herself into my personal life.

  Taking my coffee, I make my way over to my regular table and start thumbing through my patient's medical history in preparation for Monday’s surgery. After watching people coming and going through the door for a while, I finally admit I’m looking to see if that next person could possibly be her. My heart doesn't hurt as much anymore, but I still miss her. I find myself wondering what it would have been like to be with her. How far would we have gone? Is she with Scott?

  'God, I miss her,' I think to myself. I miss seeing her. I miss her soft-as-velvet hands. I could have loved her.

  Who am I kidding? I was already in love with her. I’m in love with her still. I knew it the moment I walked away from her. My hands find their way through my hair, leaving it in total chaos.

  Taking a sip of my now cold coffee, I glance at my watch. Gathering my papers, I tuck my file under my arm, and take my half-empty coffee cup to the counter for Myra.

  "See you tomorrow, Doctor?" she asks.

  "Thanks for everything, Myra," I say, not answering, but when I turn, I bump into a small figure.

  "Matthew?" she says quietly.

  "H … hello, Joy," I reply, swallowing hard. It's harder than
I thought it would be to see her again. "You're looking well," I say politely.

  "Matthew, please, I need to talk to you for just five minutes. Can you give me five minutes?"

  Tugging on my arm, she pulls me to her table. I let out a sigh and realize we need to get this over with.

  "All right, Joy," I say and walk toward her table, sitting across from her and Conrad.

  "Where's Scott?" I don't know why I asked that because I really don't care where Scott is. It sounded incredibly immature ... even to me.

  "No, we …" she says shaking her head, and I can hear her voice crack. "Matthew, please tell me what I've done. I know I did something, and it's killing me not knowing what." Looking at her, her eyes are swimming in tears that are ready to break and fall down her pale cheeks. She still has dark circles under her eyes.

  "Joy …"

  I don't want to open a healed wound, and each time I look at her that wound opens a little bit more.

  "What did I do? What did I do, Matthew? Please tell me. Was it something I said? What I didn't say? I can't imagine what it could possibly be. You have to ease my mind and this pain in my heart. I can't get over you until I know that, whatever I did, was worth you not wanting me anymore."

  That does it. The tears break their seal, and they’re now flowing down her gaunt cheeks. Handing her a tissue, I look around to see if anyone is listening.

  "Joy..." I begin. "Joy, that day when you and Scott came in here, I realized that there was someone else out there for you. Someone else wanted you and you deserve to be happy and … fuck … not that I couldn't make you happy, because I know I could have. When I saw you two holding hands, hugging and then the kiss, it dawned on me that you already had someone that wanted you besides me. You already knew him, and you looked happy with him and, well … that's it," I say, running my hand through my hair, yet again. "So, I need to get back to the office. It was good seeing you and … you look really pretty today," I say, getting up.

  "Matthew, I'd like to say one more thing before you go,” she says shyly. “That morning, I had just told Scott that I … well … this isn't how I wanted to tell you, or have you find out."

  My heart nearly sinks to a new low. What else could she possibly have to say that could make it hurt more than it already does?

  "Whatever it is, Joy, either say it or let me leave because honestly, I can't do much more of this."

  "That morning, I had just told Scott that I was in love with you, and there was nothing he could do to change that. I told him that either he stop playing these games, or I was off the book project." Looking at her, she’s hiding her face, so no one will see her crying. "When you saw us, he was telling me that we would remain friends, and he promised he would stop pursuing me. He wished me luck with my relationship with you," she says into her lap. I didn't think her chin could tuck into her chest much more than it is right now.

  "Oh, Joy," I say quietly, staring at her.

  What do I do now? I’m so torn. This has brought back memories of Emma so close to the surface again.

  "Joy," I say, sitting back down across from her. "This whole thing has drummed up deep feelings and emotions that I thought were long gone. I need to sort through that, all right? I have to prepare for surgery on Monday, and I'm going away for the weekend. We’ll talk when I get back, all right?"

  "Matthew?" she says quietly.

  "Yes?"

  "You won't do with anyone this weekend what you did with me, will you?" she asks timidly, still not looking up. I'm sure that was really hard for her to say.

  "No. I promise." I answer, meaning it. She’s still looking at her hands. "Good-bye, Joy."

  Stroking the back of her hair, running a thick strand through my fingertips, I lean in to kiss her forehead.

  "We'll talk when I get back, all right?"

  "All right," she responds through tears.

  As soon as I turn to walk out the door, a deep sob escapes that I believe she had been holding inside. Looking at her through the window, I see Myra sitting next to her, wrapping her in a comforting hug.

  I look back again, and her usually happy face is full of sadness and pain and as I turn toward my office, I can’t help but turn and look back once more. Standing there, I watch her heart break in front of me and I know what I need to do.

  As soon as I open the door, she knows it is me and her head jerks up, and she waits.

  "Joy?" I say, waiting for Myra to leave.

  "What," she replies with sadness that I never want to see or hear again.

  "Come here, baby," I say, pulling her into my arms. Her arms latch around my waist so tight I think she’ll never let go. "We still need to talk, all right?" I say, into her hair.

  "Yes. But I can't bear it if you quit talking to me forever, Matthew."

  "Okay, why don't I come over tonight? I'll bring Chinese and we’ll talk, all right?"

  A deep heavy sigh escapes her, and she squeezes my waist tighter still, nodding her head against my chest. All I can do is hold her.

  "All right, I'll be over at six thirty, okay?" I ask, escorting her and Conrad through the door.

  "Okay, Matthew," she replies, as we uncomfortably part ways; she, going to the right and I, going to the left.

  I think I need to tell her about Emma.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  After speaking to Matthew at the café, I call my best friend. Like the rock she is, Laura comes over to help me sort through this.

  "So, what time is he coming over?" Laura asks, lying next to me on my bed, running her fingers through my hair.

  "Six thirty," I answer lazily.

  "Are you going to be okay?" she asks, brushing the hair from my face.

  "Yes. I just want to get this over with. Clearly, there was a misunderstanding on his part, and we just need to talk this out. Whether he wants to move forward or not, it's up to him, but I, at least, want to part as friends." Trying not to cry, I can't recall my heart hurting like this since my parents died.

  "If it's any consolation, he’s been hurting too. Really bad. From what Jessie says, he hasn't been himself since all of this happened." Laura, in her own attempt to make me feel better, only confuses the issue.

  "I just don't know why he didn't have enough faith in us to come and talk to me," I ponder aloud. "Maybe there wasn't enough of us to put his faith into."

  "No, I am certain there's enough. Oh, I don't know. I know he cares for you, babe. I’m certain he was falling in love with you," Laura points out, trying to rationalize this stupid, fucked-up mess.

  "You know, Joy, everyone reacts to a broken heart differently. Now that I've seen what happens to you, you're not allowed to have another one. You scared the living shit out me." She wraps her arms around me, holding me closer.

  “I know, huh? I've never had one before, other than when my parents died. I know I was sad then, but the physical reaction to this situation scared even me. If I'm unlucky enough to have another, I'll know better and will be better prepared mentally," I promise myself.

  "Oh, god, who am I kidding? I'm in love with him, Laura," I say out loud for the first time and bury my face in my pillow.

  "Oh, hon. Are you sure?" she asks, hugging me.

  "Yep, I'm sure. We haven't talked about our feelings for each other and all these emotions running amuck are what brought us here."

  "I think that’s your remedy to your broken heart. You are a communicator. You’re at peace when you verbalize your inner thoughts. Once you tell Matthew what’s going on inside, you will be at peace enough to move forward; whether it's with or without him."

  "You’re right. I think tonight is going to be about truth. I want to know everything he’s feeling and vice versa." Feeling a little more confident about my meeting with Matthew now, I want him to know everything whether it ends badly or not.

  "Okay, I'm glad you’re feeling better, sweetie, but I need to get to the store to prepare for Black Friday. What are you doing for Thanksgiving, by the way?" she asks, sitting
up.

  "No plans," I say, sadly. Until now, all my thoughts had been around spending the holiday season with Matthew.

  "Okay, it's you, me and Brian. Probably Maddie, too, since her parents are in Chicago. Is that going to be weird for you? Matthew’s sister? Whatever, we can make a fun day of it, right?" I appreciate that she’s trying to feign the holiday spirit.

  "Okay," I answer, smiling at her. "Let me walk you to the door. I need to let Conrad out anyway, and then I'm taking a long, hot bath." I need to do something to get out of the funk I'm in. "You know I couldn’t have a better best friend, right?"

  "Eh, except for you, that is. Now go get yourself all prettied up for him. At least make him see what he will be missing if this doesn't work out for you both." I can’t help but giggle and nod my head in agreement.

  After letting Conrad run around for a bit, we head back upstairs where I start a hot bath and plan what I’ll wear tonight. It has to be something good that makes me feel pretty. I opt for black leggings, a short purple and black striped sweater-dress with flat, black ballet slippers. I want to exude confidence when I talk to him. Tonight is the night I lay all my cards on the table.

  Walking across the room to my dresser, I search for something to make me feel sexy and confident to wear under the dress. Deciding on the purple with black lace bra and panty set, I silently thank Laura for some of the finest and sexiest underwear.

  ~.~

  She’s in love with me? That's a new revelation. She was telling Scott it wasn't him she wanted, but me? What a complete moron I am. By the look of that very private and seemingly intimate conversation, it appeared that she deeply cared for him. Not only did I jump to the wrong conclusion, I didn't give her a chance to explain a single word of it. Not very bright for someone who is college educated.

  Yes, we definitely need to talk this out.

  Shaking my head free from my inner chastisement, I get back to work, reviewing the patient files on my desk. I need to focus on the task at hand; my upcoming surgery.