Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  If he’d known of course he never would’ve left. Would’ve let Chris break his heart a thousand goddamn times instead of dying. Wasn’t a single doubt in his mind he would’ve chosen to die for him. Another tumbler half full, and he suddenly realized just how sloppy drunk he was. His tolerance was usually better than this. But then, he hadn’t been drinking all that much for the last couple of months, so maybe it wasn’t anymore.

  Hot and cold, his clothes restricted his breathing and he tugged at the collar of his sweater, tried to get some relief from the pressure that crushed his neck. Except it wasn’t the collar. It was betrayal and pain, doubt that leaked into every good memory he had with Chris. Because he might’ve thought Chris was a cheater in the end, but never on the kind of premeditated long-term level that Allie’d described.

  He might’ve had doubts that Chris really, love-of-his-life loved him, but he’d never stopped believing that Chris had cared about him. Even if he’d wondered if they’d have broken up, he’d never considered that Chris didn’t actually want him, want them. Now, though, it was all he could think about. One more round and the waitress cut him off with a disapproving stare and the truth was, Ryan couldn’t even blame her, because he must have made quite the picture.

  Eyes watery and red, face flushed unattractively and hair damp with sweat. He held up his hands in resignation when she told him he needed to head out. Go home, she said, as if that would fix anything. As if he could face his parents concerned faces and his sister’s disappointment.

  How the hell had he let himself think he could be anything to anyone? Everything fell apart around him and any time he tried to make things better they only collapsed faster.

  He dragged himself up out of the booth though, stumbled his way to the exit and as he walked through the parking lot he fished his keys out of his pocket. Stopped in front of his dad’s car and stared at the glossy burgundy paint. For one long, tense moment, he thought of how easy it would be to just get in and…

  The keys jangled as they hit the pavement. Ryan stood there while his hand shook, still outstretched to unlock the door. Angry tears welled up in his eyes and he forced them down as he turned and slumped against the car, slid down until he sat on the freezing cold cement. Waves of nausea rolled through him as his whole body trembled. Shaken up by his own behavior, by the fact that he’d almost gotten into the car, drunk for no other reason than to stop everything from hurting. Almost did the same thing he’d been so fucking mad at Chris for doing and he needed help.

  Without even a brief hesitation, he dug his phone out of his pocket and called Liam. Listened to the ringtone and counted his breaths to keep himself from screaming while he waited. It was supper time. Maybe Liam was busy. Please pick up, please, he silently begged.

  And then like an answer to his plea there was a little click followed by Liam’s voice, “Hey Ryan, what’s up?”

  This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea. The smile in Liam’s voice was evident in his voice. He was happy to hear from him. Glad he’d called and Ryan was going to crush that. Was going to ruin everything. Who wanted to hear about the guy they’d made out with’s dead boyfriend and all of their shitty problems? So stupid.

  “Ryan? You there?” Liam asked, concerned now.

  “Yeah-” Ryan sucked in a breath. “I- fuck. ‘S so dumb. I shouldn’t ‘ve-”

  “Hey,” Liam’s voice said gently, “Whatever it is, I’m here okay? Whatever’s going on, I wanna hear it. It’s not dumb.”

  That right there? The easy, genuine honesty in Liam’s voice? Ryan couldn’t hold back from letting everything out in the face of that kind of unwavering support if his life depended on it. He poured out the whole story; Everything Allie had said, his doubts and questions, everything he was thinking. It was so cold out and his fingers were like icicles and he shouldn’t just sit there but he did. Tears half-frozen in crystal tracks down his cheeks.

  The whole time, Liam just listened. He didn’t interrupt or tell Ryan he was wrong. Didn’t try to explain anything or offer advice, just let Ryan spill out the poison in his thoughts until finally his voice shook so badly while he told him about almost getting into the car that he had to stop for gasping breaths.

  “Where are you?” Liam asked, and Ryan told him. “Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna call Josh on the phone here at work. You’re gonna get in the car and turn the heat on. Just sit in the passenger seat, okay? Warm up. Can you do that for me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay, good. Do that now.” Liam said, so Ryan did. Got the keys and got himself in the car, heat cranked way up. “I’m dialing Josh right now. Just sit tight. Stay on the phone.”

  Distantly Ryan heard Liam as he spoke to Josh, told him where Ryan was and that he needed to go get him. And God, Ryan was tired. He just wanted to lay back and close his eyes. Give in to the light-headed, hazy weight of the alcohol in his body.

  “Ryan? You still with me?” Liam asked, and from the sound of his voice Ryan guessed it wasn’t the first time he’d asked.

  “Yeah. Here.”

  “Fuck. Good.” Liam’s relief was clear. “Josh is on his way. He’s gonna take you home and I’m driving out as soon as I finish my shift at nine, kay? I’ll just run home and throw some stuff in a bag, then I’ll head out. Josh is gonna text me your address.”

  “Don’t hafta.” Ryan mumbled half-heartedly, because he badly, badly wanted to see Liam right now. Wanted to be wrapped up in him.

  “Well, I’m coming anyway.” He replied succinctly. “You need me.”

  And that was just it. He did need him. He really, really fucking did. So he wasn’t gonna put up an argument even though he felt like he should. Everything was twisted around inside of him, but the one thing he still had to hold onto was that Liam wanted to be there for him. Had been there for him from the moment they met and hadn’t stopped since.

  “Okay.”

  “Besides, I miss you.” Liam said, like Ryan needed to be convinced to let him come. “I know I saw you this morning… but I guess it turns out I’m clingy.”

  That startled a chuckle out of Ryan. Liam was the clingy one? “Miss you too.”

  “I know. Be there before you know it, just gotta hang on ‘til then.” Liam’s warm reassuring tone was soothing and Ryan relaxed back into the seat and just listened to him talk for a bit. Eventually Josh knocked on the driver’s side window and Ryan unlocked the door so he could slide into the seat.

  “Josh’s here.”

  “Good. You okay for now?” Liam asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Alright. I better get back to work then. Josh is gonna text me when he gets you home, but if you need me call, okay?”

  “Okay.” Ryan paused. “Um, thanks.”

  “Anytime. See you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  Ryan flipped his phone closed and stuffed it back in his pocket. Time to face Josh. He managed to hold Josh’s gaze for about five seconds before the intensity of his blue eyes as they tried to piece together what’d happened got to be too much and he dropped his eyes to his feet.

  “So,” Josh began, “You gonna tell me what set you off or make me guess?”

  Agitated, tired, too wrung-out to rehash it again, Ryan shook his head. Inevitably, Josh would get it out of him, or he’d figure out to ask Emma. Josh was nothing if not persistent. He was also an incredibly good friend and an excellent judge of when not to push.

  “Fine, but when we talk about this and we will talk about this: You’re going to explain what the hell happened to me. Got it?”

  “Yeah. Um, Josh?”

  “What?”

  “Thanks.”

  “Whatever. You know I love you.” Josh said as he rolled his eyes and put the car in gear. “Coulda just called me yourself.”

  “I know. Sorry.”

  “Don’t drunk apologize to me.” Josh said fondly. “You can say sorry later when you sober up.”

  “Ugh.”

 
“You’re welcome. I’m thinking we get you back to your place and load up an action movie marathon on Netflix, get some food and advil into you.”

  Part of Ryan just wanted to sleep, but it was barely after supper time and he was kind of hungry. Really anything that’d help stave off the massive hangover he knew without a doubt he’d wake up to was good in his books. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  It was dark out when Liam got there. Josh’d been gone for a while, and Ryan had changed into soft pj pants and a clean white t-shirt, laid down on his bed. He drifted half-awake with the beginnings of a headache threatening. His emotions had run the gamut even with Josh providing a great distraction and he didn’t know how to deal with all of the conflicting feelings and confusion he felt.

  If Chris hadn’t loved him, where did that leave him? It’d felt like love. Felt like everything. What if he was wrong? Did he even know what love was, if he hadn’t been able to tell that Chris hadn’t felt it too. Could Chris have been that good of an actor? That good at lying?

  His stomach turned sickly, whole body flushed with shame and internalized rage. How stupid was he? That he’d never even suspected Chris of being unfaithful until he’d seen it with his own eyes. How many signs had he missed? What was so wrong with him that Chris would do that to him?

  A quiet knock on his bedroom door forced him out of his own thoughts, and he dragged himself out of bed to open the door.

  “Hey.” Liam said tiredly.

  His clothes were wrinkled from hours of driving, his hair a shaggy mess and a five o’clock shadow on his face that spoke to the fact he’d barely had a few moments to get himself together before he took off to come there. And Ryan’s heart skipped a few frantic beats as he looked up into those expressive hazel eyes, so focused on him. It was just one word that he’d spoken, but it conveyed a thousand things; I’m here; I’ve got you; Are you okay; Let me take care of you.

  Liam’s arms lifted a little, and Ryan threw himself into them, wrapped himself around him. Whispered “Hi,” into the curve of his neck.

  “Your mom let me up.” Liam said as he backed Ryan into his room and shut the door behind them. “Josh told her who I am, I guess because she didn’t ask, just told me where your room was.”

  Ryan laughed wetly. “Guess we’re lucky you weren’t just an axe murderer then.”

  “Right?” Liam agreed, lips pressed to the top of Ryan’s head.

  “I’m glad you came.” Ryan said shakily, just breathed in the crisp light scent of Liam’s cologne and held on to him. Let everything else be edged out by his body’s awareness of Liam; the comforting weight of his arms around him, the solid warmth of his chest.

  “Always.” Liam said seriously. “Whenever you need me.”

  A fresh round of tears pricked at Ryan’s eyes and he thought he’d cried himself out. Apparently his body had other plans, because soon he was silently sobbing into Liam’s shirt. Soothingly while he murmured quiet sounds into Ryan’s hair, Liam's hand ran up and down Ryan’s back.

  Outwardly, Liam kept himself calm and careful as possible, but inside he was burning up with anger on Ryan’s behalf. If it was true, if Chris had been cheating on Ryan then he was a fucking moron. God, Ryan was amazing. Kind, funny, gorgeous and smart. Resilient even if he didn’t think so himself. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but no one was. Why anyone would ever risk all of that, would risk Ryan’s heart for someone else? Totally beyond Liam’s ability to understand.

  Now, in the middle of the carnage that had resulted from just that possibility, Liam was so pissed off that it was borderline scary. Wasn’t logical or rational, but fuck, he just wanted to protect Ryan from the pain he was feeling. From the confusion and hurt. He couldn’t though, all he could do was reassure him the best that he could. Be there for him.

  “Hey, why don’t we lay down and talk?” Liam eventually asked softly as Ryan’s breathing slowed back to normal and his grip on the back of Liam’s jacket loosened a little.

  Fuck, Liam’d been on his feet all day and then in a car for hours and here Ryan was making him stand around. “Sorry.” Ryan murmured as he pulled away, “I’m sorry. Should’ve thought. You’re probably exhausted.”

  “Hey, it’s okay. I don’t mind.” Liam said with a dimpled smile as he unzipped his jacket, shrugged it off and tossed it on the desk opposite Ryan’s bed.

  Still, Ryan felt bad that he hadn’t thought at all about Liam’s comfort. God, he was so selfish. “Did you bring a bag or anything? I could go grab it for you.”

  A half-smile quirked the corner of Liam’s lips up, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll grab it later. Right now I just want you and me under the covers. Been thinking about getting you in my arms for hours. Feels like there’s not much I can really do for you, but I’m a great listener. Even better cuddler.”

  Adorably, Liam’s cheeks flushed a little. The muted light from Ryan’s bedside lamp provided just enough light that he caught sight of it. That Liam thought he hadn’t done anything for him was ridiculous, he’d done so much more than Ryan could ever repay. Could ever thank him for. Ryan might’ve been fucked up and maybe everything with Chris was a lie, but that didn’t change what he felt now. Or what he’d felt back then. He knew then that he’d loved Chris, just like he knew now that he was falling rapidly for Liam. He was broken and hurt, but he loved Liam all the same.

  Million and one reasons he should shy away from that, but he shook his head softly at Liam, reached out for his hand and led him over to the bed while he said, “You’ve done so much for me, it’s not even funny. God, you’re always there when I need you. And you have no idea.” He gave Liam a little push down onto the bed, and climbed on after him until he was curled up next to him, his head on Liam’s chest. The solid thump-thump-thump of Liam’s heart an intense reminder that this was real and they were there together. “I know I’m ninety-nine kinds of messed up but I really- like you… a lot.”

  Liam’s heart rate kicked up right along with Ryan’s. He heard it, and smiled a little when Liam answered with, “Not to sound all junior high on you, but I like you a lot too, you know. And it’s okay to be messed up. Everyone’s got baggage, man. You’re processing things the way you need to. There’s nothing wrong with that and we can take this as slow as you need.”

  Overwhelmed with the sudden rush of warmth that spread through his chest, Ryan pressed closer to Liam, held on tighter, “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  Around him, Liam’s arms tightened as he chuckled softly, “Nah, just a guy.”

  “A good guy.” Ryan replied affectionately and Liam hummed with a little shrug.

  Ryan tilted his head back and caught Liam’s eyes, dark green and brown right then and he was so gorgeous. This boyish almost embarrassed little smile on his face as he looked down at Ryan. His tongue flicked out to wet his lips and Ryan was just gone. Caught up in the moment and the need to be as close to Liam as he could. Surged up and closed the distance between their mouths in a fluid movement. Kissed Liam like he couldn’t get enough of him. Soft lips parted for his tongue and he swept it inside.

  Tasted Liam and spearmint gum as he sank his hand into Liam’s thick brown hair. For a long moment Liam just took what Ryan gave, let him set the pace. His hand firm against the side of Ryan’s neck and then he slowed it. Soothed Ryan’s desperation with slow passes of his tongue and a soft scrape of his teeth over Ryan’s bottom lip as he moved to rest their foreheads together.

  Like it took every scrap of willpower he had, Liam cleared his throat and said softly, “We should get some sleep. Much as I wanna spend all night kissing you, I’m pretty beat.”

  Kissing Ryan was everything Liam wanted to do right then, fuck sleep, but things were moving fast. Everything was high tension and neither of them was thinking clearly. He needed to make sure he wasn't taking advantage of Ryan.

  “Yeah.” Ryan sighed, sounded just a little disappointed but there was relief in there too. “Do you need your stuff or
are you gonna sleep in your clothes?”

  “I’m good like this. I’ll get my stuff tomorrow morning.” Liam said. He didn’t wanna let Ryan go right then, and there really wasn’t a whole lot that could convince him otherwise. “Did Josh get a bunch of water and advil into you?”

  “Mmmhmm.” Soft and sweet, Ryan pressed one more chaste kiss to Liam’s lips before he settled back down against his chest.

  “I guess he’s not so bad.” Liam whispered into Ryan’s hair with a quiet laugh. “Night.”

  “Night.” Ryan echoed.

  His own exhaustion crept up on him pretty quickly after that. The silence of the room and the combined sound of their breathing, the steady, sure beat of Liam’s heart conspired to slowly drag him under until he eased into a sleep that was warm like a bath. For just a little while he didn’t feel so broken and bent. Don’t get him wrong, the pain was still there beneath the surface, the guilt and worry about Chris, but for right then, the steady rush of blood he could hear pumping through Liam’s body kept it at bay.

  When he woke the next morning it was a gradual return to consciousness. They’d shifted in their sleep so that Ryan was curled up against Liam’s back, face smushed up against the back of his neck. One arm tucked back under the pillow and the other curled around Liam, burrowed up under his t-shirt so that his palm rested against his bare chest. Smooth, warm skin beneath his fingertips sent a little wave of heat up his arm now that he was aware of it.

  Being half-hard and pressed up against another person when he came to was almost completely foreign to him, but it felt nice because it was Liam. He smiled softly against the skin his mouth was pressed up against. Felt the quirk in Liam’s breathing as he chuckled softly in response to the ticklish sensation of lips shifting somewhere sensitive.