Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  “Guess you’re finally awake back there.” Liam said gently, warm and satisfied, like he’d been awake for a while just waiting for Ryan to wake up.

  “Mmm.” Ryan hummed in agreement, pressed a soft kiss where his lips rested but made no attempt to move.

  Unfortunately Liam had other plans, twisted around until they were face to face. Morning sunlight through the window behind him lit up his dark brown hair a reddish gold, made his lingering tan from summer glow bronze. Sparkling hazel eyes danced with amusement, looked so much more rested than they had last night and it was infectious. Ryan couldn’t help but to smile in return, lean close until their lips nearly touched.

  Up close he glanced from one of Liam’s multi-colored eyes to the other, tried to figure out exactly what shade they were, and still couldn’t decide what to call them. Liam just watched him, content to let Ryan take his time. Just enjoyed how easy this was, how right. Like they belonged there like that, in each other’s space and breathing the same air. Perfect moments didn’t come along often in Liam’s experience, but this really felt like one.

  Ryan’s tongue snuck out to wet his lips a second before he closed the scant space between their lips and kissed Liam. Soft and slow and so hot, Liam’s tongue slipped into his mouth. His hand slid up Ryan’s side, over his chest until it rested against the side of his neck, left a trail of fire in it’s wake. So good, the way Liam let him control the kiss but gave as good as he got. Didn’t back down from it when Ryan shifted to lie on top of him, just gripped tight onto his hip and kept him there.

  All over, Ryan felt too warm, too needy. Couldn’t get enough of Liam’s lips as they brushed against his, or sucked at his bottom lip. Like he wanted to feel every inch of Liam pressed up against him, closer than this, bare skin and friction. Slick wet heat where he needed it most. Wanted him so much and-

  “Time to wake up kids!” Ryan’s mom called out cheerfully as she swung his door open, then, when she caught sight of them, “Oh- you’re uh… you’re already up.”

  “Mom!” Ryan exclaimed as he shifted off of Liam into a sitting position. “Knock!”

  Liam laughed full bodied and loud at the petulant tone of Ryan’s voice. Couldn’t help it. Ryan just glared at him, but his eyes softened at the awkward smile on Liam’s face when he got himself under control.

  “Oh, come on.” Ryan’s mom said while she rolled her eyes. “I was young once. Your grandma caught me and your dad in a much more compromising position this one time.”

  “Mom! Worse, you’re making it worse.” Ryan complained, hands over his face in embarrassment and mild horror.

  “Listen, if I could look Grandma Mae in the eyes after that and pretend like nothing happened, then so can you two.” His mom said with a laugh. “I came up to tell you breakfast’s ready. Bacon, eggs, waffles, four kinds of homemade syrup... It’s possible I went a little overboard. Just a little, though.”

  “Sounds good.” Liam said almost shyly, one dimple flashed with his lopsided smile. “I’m starving.”

  “Ugh.” Ryan groaned. “Okay, fine. We’ll be down in a couple minutes.”

  “Don’t make me get the hose.” His mom teased before she walked out of his room, pulled the door shut behind her; laughter echoed down the hall and Ryan flopped back on the bed.

  “At least we still had our clothes on.” Liam said with a smirk.

  Ryan glanced up at him, “Yeah, silver linings. C’mon, she probably wasn’t kidding about the hose thing.”

  Liam’s entertained laugh made Ryan’s grimace morph into a grin as he climbed out of bed. So, as far as first impressions went, they could’ve done better. But hey, his mom and Liam both seemed to have taken it in stride and at some point Ryan would get over the godawful mental image of what Grandma Mae had caught his parents doing. Hopefully.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Over the course of the next few days Liam stayed with Ryan's family. Spent time just hanging out with Ryan and participated in his family's Christmas traditions. Ryan's mom had basically offered to adopt him after he'd helped her bake a ton of cookies for the cookie exchange she participated in every year. Emma seemed to really like him too, if the number of times she challenged him to play Slapjack was any indication. His dad, never really the type for all that many words got along with Liam just fine. They'd even come up with a way to add more Christmas lights to their display which Ryan's dad was much too proud of. Although it did look pretty awesome.

  All in all, it felt a little surreal in a really great way. Like something he never pictured himself having, but never stopped wanting. Liam fit into his life with a crazy kind of ease that left him breathlessly hopeful. Still, in the back of his mind, the closer it crept to Christmas the less Ryan was able to ignore the fact that Liam was losing out on the holidays with his own family. His parents and brother, his niece, they probably missed him, and it wasn't fair of Ryan to keep him all to himself even if that's exactly what he really wanted to do.

  It was over a quiet breakfast, just the two of them awake early on the day before Christmas Eve when Ryan finally broached the topic. He chewed softly on his bottom lip as he watched Liam take a sleepy bite of Captain Crunch and thought over what he should say. Fought with himself about whether or not he should say anything, or just be blissfully grateful that Liam was there. He’d come to a decision already, sure, but the urge to go back on it grew the longer he watched him. Liam’s own eyes were blearily focused on the sunrise through the sliding glass door that led to their backyard. Like he could sense the scrutiny of Ryan’s gaze, he flicked his eyes to his face, and raised his eyebrow in a universal expression for what’s up?

  Nervously, Ryan cleared his throat, “So, I know you feel like you have to stick around to keep me from freaking out again… but it’s almost Christmas and, well, your family deserves to get to see you too and I don’t wanna- I feel like I’m taking you away from them. Doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Ryan.” Liam said with an exasperated smile and fondness in his voice that made Ryan’s chest warm pleasantly. “I’m not sticking around out of some weird sense of responsibility. I’m here because I wanna be. Because I like you.”

  “I-” Ryan’s cheeks flushed faintly, and he swallowed hastily, much too pleased with Liam’s confession considering he already knew that Liam liked him. “Still…”

  “And it’s one Christmas. My family’ll get over it if I’m not there.” Liam shrugged, seemed totally fine with it, but Ryan couldn’t help but feel guilty.

  “They shouldn’t have to though. And you shouldn’t have to. Listen, it’s not that I want you to go.” Ryan said, half-smile quirked on his lips, tone sincere. “It’s dumb, but I’ll miss you. Just, I can’t be the kind of guy who keeps you away from your family either. Even if it’s just one Christmas.”

  “Okay.” Liam rolled his lips as he considered Ryan’s words. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Ryan to get through a few days without him, he knew Ryan would be alright. Some part of him didn’t want to go, but another part did miss his family. Missed his niece and wanted to see her little face light up Christmas morning when she opened presents. Christmas was always the one time of year they were all under the same roof and hectic as it was, it was something he looked forward to. In a heartbeat though, he’d give that up for Ryan. “If you really think I should… I guess I could leave tomorrow morning. ‘S it okay if I come back Boxing Day?”

  Ryan’s face brightened up in a grin, like he wasn’t expecting Liam to come back at all, let alone offer to come back so soon, “Yeah, of course.”

  “Good. Okay, then.” Liam said with a little smile of his own. “So, what d’you say to a day of camping out on the couch under a blanket and watching sappy movies like a couple of dorks?”

  In a show of false contempt for the idea, Ryan rolled his eyes, but his smile didn’t dim even a little. “I guess we could do that.”

  So they spent the day cuddled up on the couch, watched movie after movie, but mainly just made fun o
f them and laughed together. Tried to enjoy one more day with each other before Liam would be gone for a bit. Like time always seemed to, it sped by much faster with a deadline that loomed over them. Day slipped into night and before they knew it, they were wrapped around one another in Ryan’s bed. Slow kisses that Liam kept light. Knew there was no way he’d be able to make himself leave the next day if things went much farther.

  Didn’t really seem like a hardship to wait though. Not with Ryan. It was like everything between them was building slow and steady and he was glad to just enjoy it for now. After awhile, he curled up against Ryan’s side, and rested his head on his chest. Enjoyed the comfortable sensation of Ryan holding him close while they slowly slipped into sleep.

  The next morning it was wet and rainy out, the clouds from the day before had broken open sometime overnight and the damp chill in the air after Liam left with a lingering goodbye kiss clung to Ryan. He stared out his bedroom window for a while and watched the rain as it gently splattered onto the sidewalk and eventually his eyes went right where they always did; the park. Nostalgia and longing so strong that it made his hands tremble at his sides washed through him. A slow sadness that ached more than actively hurt. Regardless of what happened, no matter what Chris had done, Ryan still missed him. Maybe that was stupid or naive or any of a million other words for idiotic, but he couldn’t help it.

  He hadn’t been to Chris’s grave since the day after his funeral, it’d hurt too much to even contemplate but right then, this overwhelming need to see it, to talk to him rushed headlong into him. He just needed to feel close to Chris again for a little while and his grave seemed like the place to do that at.

  Almost automatically, he got dressed in a pair of jeans, a white t-shirt under a grey hoodie. Pulled on his socks and headed downstairs. He asked to borrow the car, and lied through his smile when he told his mom it was to grab some last minute gifts. One thing the last year and a half had done for him was make him into a liar by necessity. The guilt he felt over the fib was minimal. He couldn’t handle having to explain himself to her right then though. Felt torn in two different directions without anyone else’s input added to it.

  On the drive to the cemetery, Ryan briefly wondered what the hell he was doing. In a flash it was gone though, like an errant fly swatted away. The parking lot was deserted when he pulled in. Wasn’t a surprise considering the rain that poured down in fat drops. The winter jacket he’d thrown on over his hoodie would at least offer a modicum of protection from the cold droplets. And even if it didn’t, Ryan wasn’t sure that would’ve stopped him anyway.

  Almost like he was in a fog, he walked through the rows of headstones. Weirdly numb, on autopilot until he rounded a bend in the path and made his way over to Chris’s. Shiny black headstone with pretty grey lettering carved into it. He reached out and ran his fingers over Chris’s name. Rough stone beneath the pads of his fingers made it real. It was absurd, what he was doing; Standing in a biting cold downfall of rain, missing Chris with everything in him. He stared at the neat letters and numbers that were somehow supposed to sum up Chris’s life. But how could they?

  Chris was vibrance and fun, rambunctious energy that infected everyone around him. Made them fall right in with his crazy plans in ways they never would’ve thought themselves capable of. And he had plenty of doubts about Chris’s character, but not everything could be a lie. Not all of it. It hit him then, the silence all around him and he slumped to the ground beside the headstone, drew his legs up and rested his forearms on his knees. His eyes squeezed shut as he leaned back against the solid stone and ignored the damp grass as it soaked into the seat of his pants. He’d be a mess when this was all over, but that was nothing compared to how he felt inside.

  “God, I miss you.” He finally said thickly. “So fucking much Chris. Every day and it never stops. Even with what Allie told me about you. I’m so- I don’t even know… Confused and pissed off and it hurts not to know if everything was a lie to you. If it was all just an experiment or whatever. The worst part is, though, that it doesn’t even put a dent in how much I miss you. And that’s fucked up, man. ‘Cause it should.” He sucked in a harsh breath, voice thick with tears that were lost in the rain. “I wish I could talk to you. I wish you could tell me. I wish you were here. There’s so much I wanna tell you about. It’s- there’s…”

  Ryan sighed out, frustrated with himself. He wanted to tell Chris everything that’d happened, and he didn’t know if Chris could even hear him. But he couldn’t. It felt wrong to talk to Chris about Liam. Like cheating, but it wasn’t. You couldn’t cheat on someone who was gone. His emotions, though, apparently couldn’t make that distinction because guilt was pretty heavily weighing him down. So he decided not to think about that right now. To concentrate on Chris and he tilted his head back, let the rain fall on his face in a freezing drizzle. Absently noticed the downpour had slowed to a mist and just let himself remember. Pictured that carefree smile Chris used to give him before he did something really stupid. Bright, full of mischief. Gorgeous brown eyes all wild with joy and excitement.

  He was so caught up in the image, a slight smile on his face in response to the one he imagined, that he didn’t hear approaching footsteps. His eyes stayed closed right up until the sound of a voice almost as familiar as his own mom’s startled them open.

  “Ryan?” Chris's mom asked, voice soft and hesitant.

  Ryan shot to his feet, eyes wide and frightened. He couldn’t deal with another confrontation. Not right now. Not when he was so raw emotionally. She closed the distance between them and Ryan tried not to flinch. And then her arms were around him in a tight hug.

  It took a long moment for his brain to register that she was still talking, that she was apologizing.

  “I’m sorry, so, so, sorry, Ryan.” She repeated as she pulled back. She didn’t let go of him until he met her eyes, confused. “I never should’ve said what I did that night. I was- Well, I was in shock and I know that’s not an excuse but this girl, Allie called us just after Chris left the party. She told us that Chris was driving drunk, all about you and Chris, about how Chris supposedly loved her. And I was floored. I believed her, she sounded so sincerely concerned for him. And then-” Her voice broke, “Then the call came and I snapped. It’s not okay, though, what I did. I understand if you hate me. I put blame on you that you never deserved.”

  Stupidly, Ryan’s voice shook when he said, “But we fought-”

  “You were kids. And everybody fights with their partner. Doesn’t mean you were to blame.” Tears filled her eyes, shame and regret. “And I never, ever should’ve let you think that. You meant so much to Chris and I let you think I held you responsible- I did hold you responsible for way too long. He would’ve been so ashamed of me. Chris loved you and I treated you in a way he never would’ve wanted me to.”

  She let out a little sigh as her tears cascaded over her cheeks, “I found his journal when I was cleaning his room out recently. I’m sure he never meant for me to read it, but it was all I had left of him… and page after page, start to finish, it’s all you. There’s not a single mention of Allie. I-I know he worried about how I would feel when I found out about the two of you, and I know myself enough to know I wouldn’t have liked it at first. Probably wouldn’t have made it easy on him, but I would’ve come around. He was my son and I loved him. And there’s not even a little bit of doubt that he loved you, with all his heart. I can’t take back what I said, I know that. Or the hurt it caused you, but I was so wrong, Ryan. And I’m so sorry.”

  Ryan’s voice was rough with a combination of relief, sorrow and empathy when he said, “He loved you too.”

  Chris’s mom let out a wounded little noise and Ryan folded her up in a hug that held more forgiveness than anything he said ever could. He didn’t blame her, wasn’t mad at her. Couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything other than a deep shared pain and a kinship with her that went so much deeper than the cutting words he’d tortured himself with
. It wasn’t in Ryan’s nature to hold a grudge anyway. And she’d lost everything too. For a long time they clung to each other until the rain started to pick up again and Chris’s mom peeled herself away. Her brown eyes were swollen and red, probably mirrored his own and he gave her a tentative smile that she returned.

  “Can you come to my car?” She asked. “There’s something I want you to have.”

  “Oh. Sure.” Ryan answered and followed her back down the path with one last glance over his shoulder at Chris’s grave, I love you.

  At her car, Chris’s mom opened the door and grabbed a worn, brown leather-bound journal. She ran her hand lovingly over the front of it before she nodded, almost to herself and held it out to Ryan.

  “He would’ve wanted you to have it.” She said softly. “It belongs with you.”

  He tucked it inside his jacket to protect it from the rain, and they said their goodbyes. She told Ryan he was welcome to drop by anytime and that she’d love to hear from him. Ryan made vague promises that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to fulfill, but he wasn’t ready to cut her out completely either. She’d given him Chris after all. So who knew.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Christmas dawned early when Emma dragged everyone out of bed at the ass crack of morning. She was brimming with excitement like she really believed in Santa again. Which, of course she pretended to; her obligation as the youngest child. All in the pursuit of milking an extra present out of their parents for as long as possible. Even if neither of their parents actually fell for the still believe in Santa ruse, they pretended too.

  Lazily, everyone but Emma opened their presents still half-asleep. Emma tore through hers, squealed excitedly over each one and then watched the rest of them with rapt attention. Afterward they ate their dad’s Christmas morning hashbrown casserole with huge mugs of coffee. It was great, but also hard. This year Ryan missed not one, but two people. He tried not to let it get to him, but his thoughts were repetitively drawn to the journal upstairs on his nightstand. To Liam and what he might be doing right now. He tried not to think too much about the fact that he still loved Chris and that we was pretty sure he loved Liam too. Could you even be in love with two people? Didn’t that mean he didn’t really love one of them?