Humanities Contingency_You Will Lose Yourself

by Matthew Birch

  “Chloe, look after Alice!” Maya shouts, being lost in the crowd that swallows her. Left in the fire of the intense argument around me, I only have one focus now, Alice. This whole night has been wasted potential of what could have been...

  Chapter 10 - Relics of the past

  Chloe

  Lounging about, I stay in my little bubble.

  “How many today?”

  “Three...”

  Robert speaks nearby with his healthiest soldier who nurses a shredded arm. More soldiers have passed away today from sickness. The infected are a topic he’ll never talk about openly. Holding a clipboard, Robert gets professional, getting the full names and ages of every person here. He does it so he can keep track of who is left. The second he can, he’ll give the list to the authorities and they can get us all home to our families. Many soldiers are passing away, and there is barely anyone left, our numbers are thinning...

  Ed and Maya left yesterday; disappeared in the night. Chris was the only one to see them and reported to Robert. We know they’re coming back. Maya left a note saying so.

  ‘Ed needs some time to cool off, he’ll be back tomorrow. I am going with him to keep him safe...’

  Short, sweet, simple - the note tells us everything we need to know. A weight shifts beside me on the sofa, Joey sits with me.

  “Hey” Fatigued, we chat for the first time since yesterday. Scorning him, I concentrate on Alice who happily plays games with Lola. It’s delightful; I wish times were as simplistic as that still...

  Yesterday was mayhem, and I don’t ever want to relive it. Talking about it, thinking about it, I don’t care which, just let it die. Let it be another unfortunate event in the past.

  “I know you’re upset... I just want you to know that-” Joey barely began. I’m sorry, but now more important matters are at hand. Leaping up, I watch as Ed and Maya walk back through the fortified front gate.

  “Sorry-” I squeak. In seconds, I dash towards the untouched, perfectly fine couple. “Guys!” I call out, and they both stop, staring at me. Ed gives me the silent treatment, wondering back into the mall without another word.

  “What happened?” Maya asks me.

  “Maybe I should be the one asking you that?” Placing my hands on my hips, I stare her down.

  She sighs. “Look, things around here are going to be pretty shit... Please, can you talk to him?”

  Raising an eyebrow, I stare her down harder. “Why me?”

  “Please-” She exasperates. Is Maya begging me to talk to him?

  “Um, okay?” A part of me almost doesn’t want to. Placing a hand on her shoulder, I say before I go, “I would recommend staying away from the southern group-” Pulling her close, I whisper, “Callum has had all weapons stripped from him. But it doesn’t mean he is any less dangerous...” Moving back, I give her space and time to think.

  “Ryan too?” She asks meekly.

  “Ryan too” I reply.

  Poor girl, now she’s on a hit list, and Ed is in just as much danger...

  Reluctantly, I depart, heading back into the mall where I pass the scattered group. Sparing neither eye nor effort, I walk on by, ignoring them as they beg me for help. Holly, the slag, screams at me for help. Steven, who I’ve seen little of around, just sits there, staring at the only man he remembers. Joseph, the old doctor, has collapsed; his body spasming before going limp entirely. He’s gone numb, and so has his heartbeat. I’ll let Robert handle this one.

  Finding Ed locked away in silence in the security room with the door shut tight, I peer through the side view window. Sitting at the desk, he scribbles away at a little diary? I didn’t know he had one. Carefully knocking twice, I watch as he leaps up and spins to face me. “You alright?” Awkwardly, I wave at him.

  Opening the door, he welcomes me in. Sitting back at the desk, he speaks slowly, “Just give me a minute... Just finishing this page-”

  Sitting down on Maya’s makeshift bed, I cross my legs and say lightly, “No, no, it’s okay, take as long as you-”

  “Done!” He puts the pencil down, slams the diary closed and after his notes are finished, he twirls to face me. We stare at one another for a moment, and I wonder if he’ll break down or cry. He does neither. Instead, he hops over to my side and sinks down next to me. Taking a seat, we both sit next to one another, our bodies casually pressing against one another. Weirdly, he gently lays his head on my tiny shoulder. I don’t mind it; we’ve been through a lot now. We’re brother and sister I suppose.

  “Yesterday... I almost killed him...” He whispers.

  Taking his hand in my own, I give it a light squeeze. He’s been through so much. He’s breaking. Just like Patrick did. Just like Callum is. Just like Cody had. ”You did what you did to protect the person you love-”

  “I said Marcus wouldn’t have spared him... I don’t believe that is true” Quietly, his voice barely audible, I give him a moment to speak. “Maya once saved me when Patrick turned his gun on me. She would’ve killed him in a heartbeat. That was then. Now, she’s different. She’s scared...”

  I want to say something. Anything... Except I don’t, I just squeeze his hand and support him.

  “I wonder what he would do if he was here...” Ed murmurs. At last, he removes his hand from my own, and his body from mine. Reaching to his side, he grabs something, and faster than I can ask what he’s doing, I find Marcus’s machete in my hand. “It’s yours-”

  “What, no, he gave this to you!” Yelling louder than I should have, I thrust the weapon back into his hand.

  Ed shakes his head and pushes it right back into my own. Forcing my fingers around its hilt, he says while looking me straight in the eye. “Please-” He urges me. “I’ve tainted it. I don’t deserve it...”

  “But-”

  “Marcus passed it onto me when he didn’t have a way forward-” Ed gets up, not giving me a chance. I guess he won’t be taking no for an answer. “Marcus liked you so much... You can hold his legacy...” Stifling up, Ed leaves the room soundly.

  Looking down, I stare at the weapon in my hands.

  And nothing stops the tears that come next.

  Chapter 11 - Rivalry

  Zack

  “Ed is the best fighter we have” Alice jeers, snidely marking down the imperceptibly petite girl. Lola, annoyed, huffs in ignorance.

  “No, he couldn’t be the best. What about Chris?” Lola retorts, fighting back against Alice.

  That’s interesting; I didn’t expect the two girls to look to Chris as the best fighter. He does terrify me in a way. Like a big suit of armour, no emotion, no sound, always watching. Something doesn’t seem right about that dude. Cleaning my gun can wait. Placing the last, clean wipe I have down on a stool beside me, I stand up, walking towards the edge of the roof where I peer over the edge to find the two girls bickering away.

  “Maya said so!” Alice crosses her arms, confidence flashing across her features.

  “Where’s the proof!” Lola, getting irritated now, begins fighting an uphill battle.

  Frowning, I remember the news. I still don’t believe it either.

  “He killed a monster all by himself!” Alice, having taken the high ground and secured victory leaves the younger girl sadly in the dust.

  Surely, Ed couldn’t have killed a monster all by himself. What’s even worse is it means they’re out there, still watching and lying in wait.

  “Bastard couldn’t be that tough...” I murmur below my breath, intentionally trying not to get the attention of Robert who is nearby. He scouts the landscape with a sniper rifle, looking through its scope as he looks deep into the surrounding city, suburbs, and national parkland, a nature reserve that died with the island. Down below, I notice a very ruffled looking Callum glaring at Alice, luckily, Joey sits down beside him and the two shares a brother to brother chat.

  “Hey, girls!” Shouting out, I find myself doing something I didn’t think I would. Intervening seems like a good idea in my head at least, tho
se two need to work together, not use one another for humour. “Come up here, I got a few lessons for you!”

  Both girls, clearly not interested, look at each other before back at me. Lola shrugs; Alice sticks her tongue out.

  “I’ll teach you to use a gun!”

  This time, they bolt in the direction of the mall, trying to outdo one another as they race to the top when no such competition is necessary. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Callum leap up, only to be sat down by Joey. Waving out, I let him know through a single gesture that everything will be okay. Dudes on edge, he needs to relax, especially after what happened. Both of those girls are incredibly strong and brave to have made it this far into this hell. Maybe it’s about time they had some real training and experience.

  After a few minutes, I see both girls protruding from the stairwell, red-faced and gasping for oxygen, the exhausted girls collapse in a comical fashion. Shaking my head, I take the first step, by walking towards them. How do I even begin this?

  “So, I think it’s about time you two learnt how to use a weapon other than a baseball bat or machete. It’s always good to know in case...” In case of what? Go on Zack, say it.

  “In case you’re not around one day to protect us...” Lola is the one to finish... No doubt in my mind; her brain is on her brother.

  “I can handle myself” Beating her chest, Alice, still recovering from the marathon is about to brag. I know its bragging, I wouldn’t call her genuine.

  “Confidence is key, don’t get me wrong...” Kneeling down a bit to match their height, I take my own rifle off my back and hold it out. “But cockiness will get you killed” My words frighten them. It’s difficult; however, I of all people should know that we can’t have weakness among our ranks. The weak links must be weeded out, either through training or through death.

  Tommy is already dead. I won’t let any more of what should be the next generation perish as well.

  Lola seemingly brightens for some reason. “I’m not cocky-”

  Holding up my hand shushes her. “Slow down, fear can be worse. Imagine you’re in the heat of the moment, yeah?” Explaining as thoroughly as I can, I look between them both, gradually handing my rifle to them as I speak. Eyes wide, they beam happily as they grab it hastily, nevertheless politely. “At that moment, you freeze, and then you die anyway. You gotta stay calm, cool, collected, not cocky, but not afraid either. Use your adrenaline to your advantage, just don’t let it control you back” Finishing, I watch as they both begin fighting for my rifle...

  The same rifle that could have saved Tommy...

  Sighing, I call out, “Robert, you don’t mind teaching these two the basics of a handgun for a moment do you?”

  Why now of all times does that kid need to play on my mind?

  Robert lowers his gun, cautiously, he watches us all. Well go on, say something then?

  “Yeah, sure, why?” He asks as he approaches.

  “Because there is something I need to do” Standing up, I leave my weapon with the two girls who look between us. They don’t seem happy about being passed off onto Robert of all people. Sorry, I have something I need to settle.

  I need to get Tommy off my mind...

  Waving goodbye, I leave them in the most capable, sane hands I know, Robert’s a good guy, now working to control growing lunatics like Callum, Ed, and Ryan. Right now, more than anything, I need to reconcile an old debt with that group. The rabbit foot gang. They will know my pain, I need to talk to them.

  Getting downstairs, I am met with the cries of the scattered group. All that remains is two. Steven, the amnesiac; poor bloke is going nuts. Every five seconds, “Where’s Joseph?”, “Where’s Pa?” I feel so bad for him. That girl, Holly, she tries her hardest to help him understand, even though she is fighting a losing battle.

  “Come on-” Forcing him up onto his feet, she takes his left hand and guides him carefully from a little sleeping area they had hidden between two tall shelves in the mall. Staying behind, but close enough to hear them, I keep my eyes down. I am going in the same direction they are, the graveyard. When we get there, we see them hard at work.

  “Sorry, we are still working on it...” Glancing up, I see Matty still working strenuously to dig the graves. Soil and dirt have been upturned, and the muscular man wears nothing but his white vest and black joggers as he slaves away.

  “It’s okay, as long as he knows...” Unable to look in his direction, Holly struggles at the sight of Joseph’s body. Steven on the other hand, who I have to deliberately border around, gazes endlessly at what I think might have been his father.

  Realising all too late, an earthquake exclusively rumbles within him as he trembles wildly. Holding Holly tight, he whispers, “I found my pa”

  Melting inside, I have to look away, focusing my sights on Alan’s finished grave while Steven breaks down. Sadly, he’ll forget soon enough all the same.

  Flat, neat, unspoiled, his grave is perfect. A small, fake rose has been planted in the top. Alone, the single fake flower is all that is left of his legacy. Everyone here has known someone, for one reason or the other, we’ve all lost people. Ed lost Marcus, a man I wish I got to meet. Callum and Joey lost Elliot, someone we lost all too soon. The rabbit foot gang, despite our past, deserves nothing but respect for the one man they had. Alan Bridgemere, the peacekeeper. Now, he’s gone, and with it, is the legacy he leaves behind.

  * * *

  “No, please no!” Cradling my dying wife, I press my hand against the one bullet hole in the hopes I can make a difference against the many. Blasted until death, the submachine gun that rippled through her belongs to that grim reaper. I’ll kill him myself. I swear if I get my hands on him-

  I hear a small clicking sound. Spinning to meet the barrel of a gun, I find I am dancing with death. Black Fox has me, and he knows it. He says nothing; his sinister smirk is near enough. Weeping, I let my tears flow as I kiss my wife’s forehead for the last time; she died long ago in my arms. Not even a goodbye, she was gone too soon. Releasing her, I purposely stand up, and I hear Black Fox click his tongue again. Not stopping, I continue to stand, fists clenched until they are white. I am alone. The gunfight rages on elsewhere. The ever growing battle has only just begun. Soon, it’ll end by my hands when I kill him. I want to kill him casually. Torture seems sufficient enough. I don’t care. I want to see him burn-

  A figure moves in the way, a man of basic cloth and back-story is the one to break the dance with death. Having left by unintentional forfeit, the dance is over, and I breathe to live another day. Alan Bridgemere, I only heard rumours, but they’re all true. Astounded, I numb, not sure what to do as he argues intensely with his overlord.

  “Fine, if you won’t move then-” Black Fox, annoyed, but not willing enough to murder Alan for his disobedience, turns his gun onto someone else. Death has come, the grim reaper is here, and he won’t be leaving until someone comes with him. If it isn’t me, then someone else will fit my place. Without a second thought, the trigger is pulled, and Alan shrieks in disgust as a little, frail boy hits the ground - dead.

  Tommy has been shot. Lost in the madness, Callum appears, bloodied from the fight, his eyes growing wide as I see his body is rocked to the core.

  His son is dead.

  * * *

  “I am so sorry...” There’s no shaking the distress in my voice as I turn to the rabbit foot gangs, last members. Confused, they all stop and stare. Gulping, I worry that expressing my sympathy was the wrong thing to do. “Maybe I can help you bury him?” As kind as one can be, I gesture to Joseph’s body.

  “Go fuck yourself” Vicky spits at me like I am scum.

  “Calm down” Taken aback, I almost retreat from the harsh reaction.

  “Sorry... Just on edge” Weakly, she whispers, glancing at Alan’s grave before getting back to work.

  Graham, the hulking giant passes the shovel to Matty who takes it without question. Lifting himself out from the hole in the ground, Graham come
s towards me. Slapping his hands together, he wipes all the dirt away. “Thank you for your forgiveness...”

  “It’s fine; just keep it all to yourself. Callum will flip if he finds out...” Meekly, I turn in Callum’s direction. I can’t believe he scares me. The fact I know he would kill without batting an eye is not a trait you ever want to earn. You don’t get given that trait, you earn it through the reckless killing of others, justified or not. Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter if you’re doing it for good. Do it once, do it twice, it only becomes easier the next time.

  “Things have been pretty tense. Let’s just get ya’ll to Valbury port and we can put all this behind us” Graham is so nice to talk with. I just wish Callum could see there are good people here.