After the Pain

by Gia Riley

  “It wasn’t like that, Sean. At all. Yes, I had strong feelings for Ryan, but Colby isn’t even on the same level. I don’t feel anything for him.” What am I going to have to say to convince Sean I love him?

  “I know. Don’t get yourself upset. It’s not good for you or the baby.” He reaches over and tucks a stray piece of hair that fell out of my ponytail behind my ear. I can only imagine what I look like right now.

  “You don’t have to say yes, but I have an appointment with my OBGYN in an hour. If you want to come, which you don’t have to, you can. Don’t feel like you’re obligated though. It’s really okay. I’m fully prepared to go through this alone.”

  “Are you done?” he teases.

  “Yep.” I smile knowing he’s picking on me for my nervous rambling. That’s a little bit of the old Sean peeking through this new one. I miss the sweet version I get to put my hands all over.

  “I’ll go with you. You don’t have to even ask. I want to do it all. Just let me know when all of your appointments are and I’ll be there.”

  “That’s something else I need to talk to you about. I only have today’s appointment scheduled.”

  “That’s okay. We can schedule more. I’ll take my calendar with me and work around my meetings the best I can,” he says sweetly.

  “Sean, I’ll be changing doctors soon. I’m moving.” My heart is thumping in my chest. He isn’t going to take this well. The small glimpse of my old Sean just peeked through and now this news has the potential to ruin us all over again.

  He moves closer to me. “You love your house, why would you move? Please tell me it’s not because of me.”

  “I love being close to you, but I’ve decided to move back home near my parents. I haven’t heard from you in forever. I thought you had given up on me — on us.”

  “The hell you are!” He gets up from his chair and starts pacing back and forth next to my bed. “Were you going to just pick up and leave without telling me about this baby? Please tell me that’s not how it was going to go, Hallie.”

  “I was going to tell you before I left.”

  “When?” He’s raising his voice and I’m scared the whole department is about to hear my dirty laundry being aired.

  “This week, okay! I don’t know specifically. I’ve been a little preoccupied trying to get my life in order. You didn’t want me anymore. You kicked me out of your house.” Now I’m as worked up as he is and I’m letting my emotions get the best of me. My stomach starts to churn again and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Why do they call it morning sickness if I’m doing it all damn day? I rush to get myself out of the bed and over to the trashcan without yanking out my IV.

  “Jesus, Hallie. I’m sorry. Please calm down.” Sean’s eyes are watery from seeing me so physically upset. His reaction has me believing we really aren’t over yet.

  “This is all I do, Sean. I’m so tired of this. Of you not wanting me, of me wanting you so bad, of throwing up!”

  “Then let me help you.”

  “Sean, I need you so much. I don’t want to keep doing this by myself.” His tears finally fall after hearing my admission.

  The doctor saves us from the stellar performance we’re putting on when she returns.

  “Everything okay in here,” she asks cautiously.

  “Yes. I got sick again, but Sean helped me.”

  “I’m prescribing some Rogan for the nausea and vomiting. It’s safe while pregnant so please take it. It will help you stay hydrated.”

  “Is there anything she shouldn’t do, Dr. Morris?” Sean aks.

  “Right now, she should take it easy and not overdo it. Eat frequent small meals, drink water all day and if you’re feeling dizzy, sit down and elevate your legs or lay on your left side to decrease your blood pressure. If your symptoms still don’t subside, come back in and see me. I’ll get you hydrated immediately. She’s a good nurse; she’ll know the warning signs.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Morris,” we say in unison.

  Once I’m back in the locker room, I grab my trusty crackers and shove a few in my mouth. It’s apparent this will be my main staple until my stomach decides to stop hating me. At least I’m not an elephant. They carry their unborn for two years!

  “Did you eat an actual meal yet today?” Sean asks. I didn’t realize he followed me into the locker room. My mind’s so preoccupied with everything that just happened within the past two hours.

  Did I eat, ha! He must have missed the show I put on. “I had breakfast but I threw it up earlier. Lunch consisted of some crackers and ginger ale. I threw that up too.” I shrug my shoulders like it’s no big deal. I’ve had a lot of time to get used to getting sick constantly. To Sean it’s all very fresh.

  “We can stop at the deli and get you a sandwich before the appointment. You need to keep eating even if you throw up. Okay?”

  “As long as it’s not anything containing beef. Just the thought of it makes me want to gag let alone what the smell does to me. You can’t use green apple dish soap around me either. This is your only warning.”

  “Maybe you can write this all down. I know I’ll fuck up if it’s not in writing and I don’t want to make you puke.”

  “I’ll have a spreadsheet to you by dinner time.” I’m only kidding but he knows my crazy organization skills. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to do just that.

  “I see you haven’t lost your smart ass charm.” He puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a side hug as we walk to the deli. I take the opportunity to lean into his embrace, resting my head against his warm body. Sean and I still have so much to talk about, but it feels good to be in his arms right now. My heart definitely hasn’t stopped loving him despite the emotional rollercoaster it’s been on. If anything, I feel more for him now than ever. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder or it could be the fact that I’m carrying his baby. There’s entirely too much on the line for us to let the possibility of a future slip through our fingers.

  SEAN HOLDS ME TO THE sandwich I promised I’d eat, ordering a soup and sandwich for himself. I spend a few minutes debating if I should eat outside where the smells aren’t so pungent. I opt to give sitting inside a shot first. When Sean gets up to get some more napkins, I steal a few bites of his soup. I can’t help it. I’m eating for two. I shove the bowl back to his side of the table when I see him turning around with the napkins.”

  “How was it?”

  “My sandwich is pretty good.” I keep munching away as he laughs at me.

  “I meant my soup. You have a little piece of broccoli on your lip.”

  “Oh. It must be from my sandwich.” I quickly grab a napkin and wipe the evidence from my face. Damn broccoli.

  “Hallie, would you like my soup?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I whisper as I duck my head and focus on my sandwich.

  He pushes the bowl back over to me and I dig in. “Mmm,” I groan. “This is so good. I could eat this all day. Let’s come back here again tomorrow.” I realize I just said we after the words leave my mouth. There isn’t a we right now — just a promise of a conversation.

  He pauses with his sandwich halfway to his mouth, the lettuce dangling from the bread. “Don’t do that.”

  Shit he must have caught it too. I’m trying not to pressure him. “Do what? I’m eating your soup like you told me to.”

  “The moaning.”

  “Sorry. Didn’t realize I did anything.”

  He reaches down and shifts around on the chair. I internally crack up once I realize he’s adjusting himself. I’m grinning like a fool between bites of my lunch. Sean finally gets it together, but I can see him concentrating hard on his sandwich and not his situation. At least we aren’t arguing! I love knowing how easily I affect him.

  When I take the last bite of my meal, I have to lean back in the booth to breathe properly. I tilt my head back and close my eyes. I will not get sick. “Stay in there.”

  “Hallie?”

 
“Uh huh.”

  “What’s wrong?” Sean asks.

  I manage to open my eyes after a few more seconds and know if I don’t get up and start moving, this won’t end well. “Can we go?”

  “Sure. Let’s go to your appointment.” I watch as he slides from the booth, waiting for me on my side. He offers me his hand, which I’m thankful for. As if nothing ever changed, he interlocks our fingers and the gesture immediately turns me to mush thanks to my overactive hormones. It takes very little to make me cry these days. An Oreo cookie commercial got me last night. Don’t even get me started on the baby shows on TLC. I’m addicted to watching women give birth and before the half hour is over, I’m a sobbing mess with tissues scattered all around me on the floor. The actual birth process has me petrified, but I can’t stop watching. The love is just magical.

  “I need to pee so badly. We have to walk a little faster, Sean.”

  “Why didn’t you go before we left the deli?”

  He’s clueless. “I have to save my pee.” We pick up the pace. The office is just two more blocks, thankfully.

  “What are you saving it for? That’s gross.”

  “I’m going to have to pee in a cup when we get there.”

  “Oh. Sorry, I don’t know how this all works. You’ll have to fill me in as we go. I never got to go to any of Audrey’s appointments. Her parents took her.”

  I’m doing the jig by the time we arrive for my appointment. I should have prepared Sean a little better for the OBGYN’s office. Forgetting he’s a man and has never entered an office quite like this one, he looks slightly panicked. He sits down while I check-in at the front desk and fill out some paperwork. When I finish, I notice he’s holding onto the arm rest of his chair for dear life.

  “You okay?” I ask. He should probably be asking me that.

  “I feel like I just walked into a giant vagina. I don’t know where to look.” I try to keep my laughter to a minimum but I fail miserably.

  “I’m glad I’m amusing you.”

  “You have no idea.”

  We only have a short wait before being called back to an exam room. I take my cup and give a urine sample. I feel like all I’ve done today is give samples for various tests. Now I know how my patient’s feel in the ER.

  Dr. Sanders comes in and introduces herself to the both of us. She goes over basic prenatal care information I am familiar with and often tell my own patients. We talk about the tests along with the blood work I’ll be having done. Finally, we get to the good stuff, the actual baby talk. I explain to her how I spent my day in the ER. She’s concerned but agrees it was from dehydration and my nonstop vomiting.

  I start to get really nervous when it’s time for the ultrasound to be done. I lay back on the table as Sean moves into his spot next to me so he can see the screen. The ultrasound is done internally at this early stage of the pregnancy. When the doctor prepares the wand, Sean’s eyes just about bulge out of his head.

  “What the hell is that? Sorry, heck.”

  Dr. Saunders laughs and tells him, “You aren’t the first male to ask. The ultrasound is done internally through her vagina until the baby is large enough to monitor externally.”

  She has Sean tongue tied and all he can manage to get out is a simple, “oh.”

  Thankfully it’s not a painful or uncomfortable procedure. I’m actually able to enjoy the images on the screen instead of what’s going on down below. When she has the wand in place, we immediately see a flicker on the monitor.

  “Is that the baby?” Sean asks.

  “Yes. Your baby has a strong heartbeat and looks to be developing beautifully,” Dr. Sanders tells us.

  I look over at Sean and see his eyes locked on the screen taking in every heartbeat and wiggle from our gummy bear. The baby really does look like a teddy bear on the screen. It’s adorable and slightly crazy to think a human is inside my body right now. Dr. Sanders checks a few more things and removes the wand from my body. The nurse hands us a few images from the test to take along home with us. I’m going to have to find some frames for our very first baby picture.

  Sean still hasn’t said anything about the actual baby. Maybe he’s still in vagina shock or at a loss for words. Before I can move to get up off the table, I feel him take my hand. He pushes my shirt up to reveal my tiny bump. He looks at it for a few seconds before placing a soft kiss on my belly after which he rests his forehead against my stomach, careful not to put too much pressure on me. I feel his shoulders lightly shaking. “Please don’t leave, Hallie. Let me raise this baby with you. I can’t lose either of you.”

  I’ve never seen Sean cry and knowing I’ve made him shed tears twice today tears what’s left of my heart into a million more pieces. Leaving wasn’t what I’ve ever wanted. I slowly rub his back and let him get it all out. He lifts his head from my stomach and rubs his hand back and forth over where our baby is resting. We sit in silence for a few more minutes, processing everything we’ve been though today. I’d love to know exactly what he’s thinking but I’d rather we talk at home. I’m exhausted. “Sean. Let’s get out of here and then we can figure things out, okay?”

  “Yeah.” I wipe his tears with my fingers and tap the end of his nose. His sexy smile makes me feel at ease for the moment.

  My arms are loaded down with pamphlets, brochures and free samples. If I was a coupon fanatic this would be my lucky day. I dump my loot onto the counter top while I wait for the secretary to help me schedule my next appointment. Sean squeezes my hand knowing he has at least four more weeks before I go anywhere. Staying seems like the only logical thought at this point. There’s no way in hell I can leave him. My support system will be complete with him back in my life.

  Once outside Sean eagerly makes the first move, “Do you think we can go back to your place and talk?”

  “Sure.” I start walking down the sidewalk in the direction we came, but he stops me.

  “My truck’s right here.” He helps me climb inside his truck that must have magically driven itself to the doctor’s office considering we walked from the deli. I watch him jog around to the driver’s side.

  “Let me guess, Alex had something to do with this? My car’s still at the hospital. We have to stop and get it,” I tell him.

  “I’m off tomorrow, we can get it then. I don’t really want you driving so soon anyway. You almost passed out like three hours ago. And yes, I called Alex.”

  “I figured you two were still talking. I’m okay to drive, really. I wouldn’t risk it if I wasn’t.”

  “I’m not taking any chances, babe.”

  Babe! He can drive me around all he wants after hearing that sentiment. I can’t control my destiny, but that doesn’t mean I don’t plan on fighting for what I want in this lifetime. Right now, I want to kiss his lips.

  Back in my living room, we get comfortable on the couch. I don’t bother turning the TV on so it’s eerily quiet. I can hear the clock ticking on the mantle above the fireplace making each passing second seem like an eternity. “Sean, let me start by saying how sorry I am for betraying your trust. I know a relationship can never be based upon lies, but it was never my intention to keep anything from you. In my screwed up mind I thought I was doing what was best. Now that I’ve lost the man who means the world to me, I know how bad things looked from the outside.”

  “Hallie, I care about you enough that I’m ready to move past all of that if you can promise me I’m enough for you. I forgive you.”

  “God, Sean. You don’t know how bad I needed to hear those words from you.”

  “Let me finish. You might not like this next part as much.”

  “Oh. Okay,” I respond cautiously. I’m not sure I can handle any more bad news, but I listen intently anyway.

  “Like I said, I can get past the incident, but what I can’t get over is you moving away. You made it sound like you were here for another month when you made your next appointment today. That’s great, but it’s what happens after the month is over
that I’m worried about. Actually, I’m petrified about what happens after that. I’ve never wanted to let go of you, Hallie, but my pride got in the way of my heart. Just know that I definitely can’t walk away or give up on us knowing you’re pregnant with our baby. So, I’m sorry, but leaving really isn’t an option.”

  “Okay,” Is my only reply. I’m trying hard to play it cool right now, but I want to dance around this living room and scream to the high heavens that I’m on my way to having my man back in my life. Leaving isn’t an option for me right now either. Not after today.

  “That’s it? Just okay? Please don’t make me fight you on this.”

  Maybe I played it a little too cool. I don’t want him mistaking my calmness with me not giving a shit about him. “Sean, I kept the pregnancy from you because I was scared you were done with me. I can’t stand the thought of you regretting being with me someday because you felt trapped. That’s no way to live, but leaving has never been my first choice. My first choice has always been you.”

  “All I’ve ever wanted was you. And now I want this baby too. I need you to stay and do this with me,” Sean pleads again.

  “I’m staying, Sean. We’re going to tackle parenthood together. I want this.”

  “Seriously? You’ll stay?” he asks surprised.

  I’m sure he thought he was going to have to do a hell of a lot more groveling to get me to stay put. Luckily for him, I refuse to walk away, and I’m hungry. “Did we just get back together?” I question. I want to make sure I know where I stand before this goes any further.

  “This should clear it up for you.” He moves over to my side of the couch and immediately focuses on my mouth. His tongue traces the seam of my lips causing me to groan in response. Our first kiss as a reunited couple is sensual and erotic. I would be content doing this all night but I forgot a minor detail. Okay, a major detail. I force myself to break the kiss and hold onto his biceps as he hovers over my body. I can tell he’s being cautious around my stomach.

  “There’s just one problem though.” I say.