Secret Regrets (Living For Today #2)

by Megan C. Smith

  “She shouldn’t have brought up Angelica. You are not responsible for that — or anything that happened after.” I could see the tears glistening in his eyes, making them shine as he seemed to try to gauge my emotions.

  “Bryant, really, I’m fine. Trust me, anything your mom says goes in one ear and out the other. It stung, but not as much as my hand after smacking her. She is just a cold-hearted bitch. I’m sorry. I know she is your mom, but she won’t be anywhere near our children. Know that now.”

  A carefree laugh bubbled out of Bryant as his fingers entwined with mine, and he tugged me into his body, letting every piece of his body mesh with mine as we held each other tightly, grasping for a sense of normalcy.

  “Should I just leave?” Jennifer asked, and every piece of me wanted to point to the door, but I knew better.

  Pulling back, I looked up in to the chocolate-brown eyes that held my heart. I was so grateful we’d found our way to each other, so blessed to be his wife, and so hopeful for our future.

  “Let’s do this,” I announced as we all took a seat on the couches and began hashing out the details of the self-defense plan.

  We talked and talked until the wee hours of the night, my eyes getting heavy and droopy as I fought off the sleep begging to take over. My mouth spread wide as a yawn escape my lips, so big my eyes watered.

  “Yeah, we should wrap this up. We can work on it more tomorrow, and then the court date is at the end of the week, so we need to be ready. Will you be okay with us working on it without you?” Jennifer asked, narrowing her eyes on me and energizing me up instantly.

  “Can you stay out of my husband’s bed?” I threw out, taken aback that after such a productive day, we were taking two steps back.

  Standing up, Jennifer pulled her trademark Louis Vuitton tote bag on her shoulder and walked to the door with a smirk on her face.

  I shot up and could feel Bryant hot on my heels.

  “As long as he doesn’t want me there.” She chuckled, smacking her lips together and shooting Bryant a wink.

  “Jenn, seriously?” he asked from behind me, frustration pouring off his body so much I could feel the tension.

  “Oh, Bryant, she makes it too easy. I mean, if you want me, you can have me, but you seem occupied at the moment. I make it a habit to not lie in my personal life, so if you want me and are ready to leave her, you can have me.” Jennifer strutted out the door, swaying her hips seductively. I didn’t even think she realized she was doing it. Being sexy and sultry was just her nature, engrained in her and flowing through her veins.

  My shoulders slumped in defeat; I was beaten down and exhausted from the day.

  “Rose?” Bryant’s worried voice asked as he stepped closer to me, his warm breath caressing my neck.

  “Don’t — don’t apologize or ask if I’m okay. Just take me upstairs, wash away the day with me, and make love to your wife,” I pleaded, desperate to reconnect with Bryant after our trying day. I needed to be strong and not put my stress on him with everything going on. I was just ready to forget, move on, and be.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  THERE WAS A KNOT IN THE bench that made a chaotic spiral in the golden wood grain. It was all I could focus on right now, because I was literally sick to my stomach. I had already puked twice that morning, and, despite the calm confident exterior Jennifer was presenting, I was feeling the polar opposite.

  “Hey, breathe, you’re turning a little blue,” Jordan whispered in my ear. He had come back for the trial, my knight in shining armor once again.

  Beside him, Leslie and Grant sat hand in hand. We were a unit, a force to be reckoned with.

  I prayed with my might that today would shine a light on the end.

  The bailiff spoke aloud, but it may as well have been in another language, because I just saw his mouth flapping and garbled noise come out.

  “Rose, you have to stand. The judge is coming out,” Jordan ordered, tugging on my arm to pull me with him.

  My eyes quickly locked onto the woman who was responsible for saving my life, saving Bryant. She was dressed in a tailored charcoal suit with a pencil skirt and a white buttoned-up blouse, looking like the most trustworthy woman in Florida.

  The judge took his seat and then ordered the inmate brought in. My mouth had a bitter taste from the word, so dirty and venomous. Bryant was an inmate, possibly a felon, if Jennifer didn’t work her magic. She had told us in our last meeting that this was just a stepping-stone but a crucial one to our goal of freeing and clearing Bryant.

  The jingle of the bailiff’s keys slapping against his leg captured my attention as he escorted Bryant to his seat. Sneaking a quick peek back at me, he winked, setting my nerves at temporary ease.

  I sat and listened, worrying a handkerchief I had brought with me to spare my cuticles. Both sides were adamantly arguing their points, and I truly wasn’t sure which side was winning because it seemed to sway with each argument. Jordan would gasp and sigh then curse under his breath and cheer, and I could feel the nausea bubbling up once more. I couldn’t take this stress much longer. My hair had literally begun falling out, and I’d already lost weight from not stomaching food well.

  The gavel came careening down, bringing order back to the courtroom. Jennifer spun on her heels, and I could tell by her mischievous smirk that we were up, and she was gearing up for a blow to the defense. She had tells, I had learned quickly. —, when she was up to something, when she wanted something, and the one I’d grown to watch for the most, when she knew she had something that would nail an ass to the floor. And right now, she had something.

  Swiping a piece of paper, she winked at Bryant, and a smirk tilted the corner of his mouth.

  “Your Honor, I’d like to direct your attention to this piece of evidence we have submitted. Here you’ll find three witness testimonies, attesting to the fact that the assault was instigated by Darren Parker, and my client, Bryant Matthews, was the victim. Sadly, the prosecution is simply trying to find a scapegoat because the system didn’t properly protect my client’s wife from a predator. The victim is the Matthews family, and Mr. Matthews did what any loving husband would. He protected his wife and himself.”

  The judge nodded, and a small smile of relief spread over my face, mirroring Bryant’s. The defense attorney scrambled. He had wanted the witness statements thrown out but had lost on that front, and it was now coming back to bite him. His shoulders slumped as he looked up at the judge.

  “Your Honor, we ask for a recess while we organize our argument against these witness statements. The facts of the case are that Bryant Matthews sought out Darren Parker and murdered him in cold blood.”

  The judge thumbed for some documents before him and looked back up. “Granted. We will reconvene in four hours. Be ready.”

  Both attorneys nodded, and we all rose as the judge swept out of the room, his black robe billowing behind him.

  “Great job, Jenn!” Bryant cheered as he wrapped his arms around his attorney.

  I had to admit, at this point, even I wanted to hug her.

  The prosecuting attorney stepped up and whispered into her ear, but Jennifer maintained her carefree smile and even laughed as he pulled away.

  “Oh, Vince, please. We have you by the balls. You’re done. This is a clear case of self-defense, and you know it.”

  The prosecutor chuckled and took his leave, and Leslie and Grant stood up and walked to the front of the courtroom.

  I kept smiling as I spun toward a seated Jordan before freezing in my tracks as two ice-cold blue eyes narrowed in on me. The lack of a smile on his face served as my confirmation that Jordan was pissed.

  “His wife?” he growled out.

  It suddenly hit me that in all the craziness of life lately, I had never update him on my marital status.

  Jordan shot up to his feet, knocking me down and causing a commotion as his body shook with rage.

  “Whoa, whoa!” Grant called as he rushed over. “Your excitement getting t
he best of you?”

  “You married him?” Jordan spat out, ignoring Grant and the growing crowd behind us.

  Leslie reached out her hand and helped me up while Bryant was blocked from getting closer by a smiling Jennifer.

  “Not here. Let’s go.” She took him by his shoulders and shoved him out the door, past his parents seated in the back row, watching the circus act before them.

  “Jordan,” I began nervously, worrying my bottom lip with my teeth as I formulated words.

  “Come on, Grant. They’re fine.” Leslie tugged on Grant’s arm, pulling him toward the exit, leaving me alone with a furious Jordan.

  My white knight had suddenly turned dark, and I didn’t know which way was up.

  “You married him? Seriously? Like it’s legal? You’re his wife?” Jordan asked incredulously.

  “Um, yes. Seriously. According to the state of Florida, it’s legit.” The nausea bubbled furiously, and I wasn’t sure how long I could stand there and tap it down.

  “See, it’s even making you sick thinking about it. You married a murderer. Seriously, Rose. I mean, I get it was Darren. Hell, I wanted to kill him — but he killed him. How does that make Bryant any better?”

  “Jordan, I had to,” I forced out, wishing I could suck it back in. I saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes and knew he’d taken it completely wrong.

  “He made you marry him? What? Why? Did he threaten you? Rose, tell me. I will help you. I’ll save you.”

  “No. Jordan, no. Listen to me.” I pulled in a deep breath, blowing it out through my pursed lips. “I found him in bed with Jennifer, and I left. I was devastated.”

  “Well, I’d imagine so!” Jordan scoffed.

  “It wasn’t what it looked like…”

  Jordan chuckled sardonically, and I pushed forward, ignoring the I-told-you-so expression.

  “She had slipped in, and I was on the outs because of only being his fiancée, even you said so. I was on the outs because I could be subpoenaed. So we changed it. I married him. It was my choice. It was just sooner than we had planned. I love him Jordan, and you know that. I love you, but I’m not your one. You can do better than me.” I chuckled, hoping to lighten the tension building in the courtroom.

  “Rose, I can’t. You’re my one. I don’t know how to function without you. My lungs need your air to breathe. I love you with every ounce of my being, and I’ve tried to move on, I have, but each thing they do or don’t do makes me think of you. I compare them to you. Their lips aren’t the perfect round plumpness as yours that I crave to taste. When I breathe them in, they don’t smell of lavender and honeysuckle that I yearn to survive on. When will you see?” Jordan shoved past me and left the courtroom, obviously defeated, brokenhearted, and I couldn’t help but watch him trudge out with little slivers of my heart following.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  SHOVING MY FOOD AROUND ON MY plate, I avoided eye contact with everyone — Leslie’s pitiful eyes, Grant’s disappointed ones, Bryant’s worried gaze, and Jennifer’s wicked glare. Each set held a meaning, and I just couldn’t deal with them.

  When Leslie had stalked me into the bathroom, she’d asked a hundred questions at once, making sure I was okay.

  Grant was just angry that I continued to drive a wedge between his two best friends, and really, who could blame him?

  Bryant sat wondering where my head was in it all. Was I happy I married him? Did I secretly want Jordan?

  And Jennifer… she no doubt hoped the situation would destroy my relationship and give her an in. Bitch. I chose to focus on hating her. Hate I could do.

  “You need to eat,” Leslie muttered after I had shoved my plate away.

  “I’m not hungry. Thinking about food literally is making me sick to my stomach,” I protested, giving the plate an extra nudge away to emphasis my point.

  “Babe, can I speak with you before we head back?” Bryant nervously asked, his voice trembling just slightly.

  Flashing a smile, I met his chocolate-brown eyes. “Of course. I’m done. Let’s move to the hallway.” We stood and made our way to a bench by the courtroom then sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds.

  “So, are you okay?” Bryant asked as he stared at a spot on the wall that held a portrait of someone who’d once meant something to the courthouse.

  “I’m nervous. I feel like Jennifer has presented a good case and seems confident. But you know me, always waiting for that other shoe. I just want this behind us.” I knew it wasn’t what he was asking, but I had hoped to skip around the real question.

  Letting out a sigh, Bryant made a big show of rolling his shoulders and stretching his neck. “Me too. I can see it affecting you. You’re not eating much, and when you do, you rarely keep it down. You look like you’re losing weight too?”

  I nodded in agreement, unsure what to say. These were all facts I couldn’t argue; I just couldn’t not be stressed. Not worry. Not until it is settled. Darren was still destroying my life, even from the grave, it seemed.

  “Bryant, Rose, it’s time to go back in.” Jennifer called to us as she walked up the steps.

  Bryant stood first, smoothing out his slacks and then straightening his tie before reaching for my hand. It was that unspoken promise of having each other, going through things together. My choice, my love, and it was a no-brainer.

  Sliding my hand into his rough, calloused one, I interlocked our fingers and gave a squeeze.

  Now back in the courtroom, any ease that I had clung onto from Bryant had vanished. The seat beside me was vacant, and I felt alone and lost. Jordan had left. I’d finally driven him away with my marriage to Bryant, and I felt a mixture of relief and despair. Hope and sadness. I felt like we had backtracked to that day at the coffee shop when I’d fled to Italy with Leslie. With Jordan, the relationship always seemed to be an all or nothing, and I couldn’t be his all, so I had to be nothing. Nevertheless, it killed me just a little inside, knowing I continued to hurt him.

  The prosecutor seemed to be sweating bullets, with no grasp on what he wanted to say. The judge looked annoyed as he scrambled to plead his case. But then he smiled just slightly, and I knew he’d found something in his notes.

  “Your Honor, we’d like to call a witness up to testify. Ian Donohue can testify to the defendant’s anger issues and tendency to attack people unprovoked.”

  Jennifer leaped to her feet. “Your Honor, I object! Ian Donohue was an accomplice to Darren Parker’s attempts to harass and attack my client’s wife. He even maneuvered himself so that he would be placed into a role where he would be supervising Mrs. Matthews and could influence her. We have filed restraining orders against him for both my client and his wife for their safety. This witness’s testimony will be biased, and I adamantly object.” I could see her confidence waver, and it terrified me. If Jennifer wasn’t sure, that seemed really bad in my opinion.

  The judge flipped through a file the bailiff had handed him. I could see him burrow his eyebrows and rub his temples as he read through a page, no clear thought showing on his face.

  “I—”He placed his hands back down on his stand. “—I’m inclined to agree that we should not expose the Matthews to him, but he is also turning evidence for a lesser sentence, I understand, which honestly makes me less likely to trust him. I have read his initial statement, and I will count that as a testimony in this case, so that his deal is satisfied.”

  “Your Honor.” Vince stood, obviously furious his plan wasn’t working.

  “No. I’ve decided. You do not have sufficient evidence, Mr. Gambit. I am dismissing the charges based on the fact that Ms. Collins has clearly demonstrated a case of self-defense at the stand-your-ground hearing, and you have, if anything, helped prove her case. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews have been targeted ruthlessly by a man who was stalking Mrs. Matthews. She even brought this to the police department, and they didn’t seem to take her concerns seriously or do anything about them. I am ruling in the defendant’s favor.” The judge gave h
is official ruling, but all I could do was take in the faces of all Bryant’s supporters: the relief of his parents, the happiness of Leslie and Grant. Warm arms wrapped around me and lifted me up in celebration. I could finally breathe, feel the air filling my lungs.

  “We are free. We won, Rose!” Bryant’s breathless voice cheered in my ear.

  Eleanor’s lilac perfume filled my nose as more arms enveloped us.

  It was the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Bryant had been cleared of his charges, and we could finally move on.

  Walking out of the courtroom, Bryant strutted with a renewed sense of freedom and confidence as he made his way to the room the bailiff had directed him to. Jennifer had cautioned us that the State could bring charges back if they got more evidence, but she didn’t expect it to come to fruition.

  The bailiff brought in someone to remove the ankle monitor, and we left, practically skipping out the doors.

  Just as we hopped in the car, my cell phone rang, popping up with my doctor’s office number. “Hello?” I answered.

  “Hi, I’m hoping to speak with Rose Barnes?” the sweet southern-twanged voice asked through the speaker.

  “This is.”

  “Hi, Ms. Barnes, I am just calling with your appointment reminder for tomorrow and wondering if you are able to run by the lab and get some blood drawn today. The doctor wants to run some tests on things he noted in your chart from the hospital.”

  “Um, yeah, we can go by today. Is something wrong?” My nausea shot back as I went through every blood-borne pathogen dating back to the bubonic plague.

  “Oh no, don’t worry yourself. Just a level had shown elevated, but if you’ve been feeling fine, I’m sure it was nothing. The doctor can tell you more tomorrow.”

  I pressed the red end button and let the phone slide into the cup holder as I continued running through the list. Cue the other shoe… and thud.

  “Babe, what’s wrong?”