Secret Regrets (Living For Today #2)

by Megan C. Smith

  “Apparently a blood level was elevated, and they want me to get lab-work. She said if I had been feeling okay, it was nothing to worry about. What does that even mean?”

  The tires squealed in protest as Bryant flipped the car around. “You’ve been sick. You have dropped a lot of weight lately, and maybe it’s something wrong. And bruising— Look! You have a ton of bruises lately too.”

  “Bryant,” I soothed, placing my hand on his denim-clad leg. “I was stressed. I’m better now, and I’ve been losing weight because of not eating.”

  “Whatever. We’ll know tomorrow after we go get your lab-work done now.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  BRYANT PULLED IN TO THE DOCTOR’S office parking lot, laughing with a carefree abandon that made my heart swell with happiness. He tugged my hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss in the palm of my hand. “We’ll get through this together,” he promised.

  I walked into the waiting area and checked in with the short pudgy woman at the front counter. Then I sat and waited to see my doctor, listening as each click of the second hand indicated the time passing. The putrid green chairs that all attached to one another made me feel like vomiting again.

  “Mrs. Barnes?” the southern-twanged voice I’d spoken to yesterday day called.

  “Yep!” I jumped to my feet and tossed my purse on my shoulder, shuffling my feet over to the door that led from no news to lots of news. That was what the threshold signified. Over here I was in rainbows and sunshine-filled bliss; over there I had to face the music and deal with whatever the news meant.

  “So, go ahead and just have a seat. Doctor is going to re-check the wound and discuss the labs,” she said as she backed out of the room and sealed it shut.

  Bryant and I sat there in silence, waiting, listening to every footfall and voice in the hallway, wondering if someone was coming closer to the door. A knock had us both shooting to the ceiling as the doctor stepped in.

  “Hello, Mrs. Matthews. I hear a congratulations is in order,” he said with a professional smile as he flipped through my chart and took a seat on his little wheelie stool.

  “So, when you were in the hospital for your gunshot wound, your labs flagged because your iron levels were low. On the repeat lab, they have dropped more, showing you are anemic.”

  I looked to Bryant whose stoic face gave nothing away.

  What does this mean?

  “How is her white blood cell count?” Bryant asked, stepping up to stand beside me and taking my hand.

  “Perfectly fine. I’m sorry. I’m not explaining this right. There is a cause for the anemia. I’m sure it’s because of your nutrition as of late, stress, and that your hCG levels are elevated.”

  “Wait. What?” Bryant’s grip on my hand tightened as his face lit up. It was clear he knew exactly what this meant, while I still was confused.

  Wracking my brain, I couldn’t place the term or what it meant, only that I had heard it before. The only relief to my worry came from the fact Bryant was now fighting back a full-out megawatt smile.

  “I suppose a double congratulations are in order. Your E.R. physician was a bit concerned with your history to give you any false hope when he saw the labs, and, I imagine, it was a stressful day on top of it. So he sent a note requesting repeat labs. Your anemia is serious. You need to get on prenatal vitamins with iron immediately and get your eating under control. I’m transferring your care over to an obstetrician. I wish you two all the best.”

  As I watched the doctor excuse himself from the room, I sat in total shock. I was pregnant. Bryant and I were going to have another baby. One by one, tears streaked down my cheeks as Bryant fell to his knees and placed his hands onto my belly.

  I PULLED INTO THE gravel drive and put my car in park. This was a thing I needed to do alone. It’d been a few weeks since we’d heard we were expecting, and everyone, including Eleanor, were actually happy for us. Leslie and my mom were cautious, no doubt knowing it would dredge up a lot of memories and emotions.

  Grabbing the tissue-wrapped bouquet, I slid out of the car then shut the door behind me, the car horn confirming I’d locked the doors. I walked around the old brick church I’d grown up in and followed the paved pathway to the iron-gated area until I neared the angel, my angel, that Bryant had given me when I’d come back. Our statue in memory of Angelica. A place for us to come and be. Today, this was exactly what I needed.

  “Hi, princess, how are you doing up there?” I began, trying to fight back the tears that wanted to escape. “I just wanted to come by, tell you that you are going to be a big sister. Can you watch out for your baby sister or brother for Mommy? We miss you so much, Angelica.”

  I sat there for a while, resting my head against the foundation just dreaming about a life where Angelica could have been overjoyed with us and run around in a shirt that said Big Sister. A life where she and Bryant got to have tea parties, and I got to take her on shopping trips. Instead, I sat here in a grassy area with flowers resting on a plaque beneath a stone angel statue.

  As the storm clouds rolled in, I pushed myself off the ground.

  Typical Florida weather — sunny skies one second, pouring rain the next, then right back to sun, just add in some humidity.

  I could feel the moisture in the air as the wind picked up, and I quickly said my goodbyes to Angelica and hustled to my car. I jumped into my driver’s seat just as the first raindrops splatted onto the windshield.

  Checking my phone, I saw a text from Bryant telling me his mom was at the house and Leslie would be there soon. We were making the announcement today after holding onto it for so long. I had needed time to process, to release the fear of the past repeating itself and just experience the calm of life with no craziness to it. Unfortunately for my nerves, the drive was short, and before I knew it, I was turning the key in the ignition and quieting the rumble of the motor.

  Our front door opened and the man I adored, the father of my children, was standing there in his snug cotton tee and denim jeans, each piece of material taunt against his muscles, making my eyes lust in appreciation. I met his smiling gaze as he welcomed me home.

  “Hey, beautiful,” he crooned as I got closer, taking my hand and pulling me into his body with a thud.

  He nuzzled my neck, and my skin covered in goose bumps, every part of me wanting to connect with him, love him, and worship him.

  “Did you have a good visit with our baby girl?” he asked, releasing me and leading me toward the living room, where I guessed Eleanor and Walter waited for us.

  “I did,” I said quietly, not wanting to get into it in front of the enemy.

  “Hi, Rose. How are you?” Eleanor spoke with a genuine smile on her face.

  It was disarming and so unlike her. I could feel my guard being raised, knowing who I was dealing with. She didn’t do nice and genuine.

  “Hello, Eleanor,” I responded curtly.

  My in-laws had been calling relentlessly since the charges had been dropped and had just come for another visit, “wanting to talk.” Yeah, I didn’t trust that — or her. His dad? He could stay. He seemed like a straight-laced, no-bull kind of guy, and I could work with that.

  “I know you really don’t want us in your home, but I feel like I owe you an explanation. When I first heard of you, it was after you’d found out you were pregnant. I was still holding out hope that Bryant would come around and go become a lawyer or something. You were an obstacle that I just couldn’t battle, and I knew that a teenage pregnancy would just ruin both of your lives.”

  As she paused, I fought the bile rising, just hearing her speak of Angelica that way. This woman did not understand unconditional love, that at the end of it all, money didn’t buy happiness.

  “So then, you lost the baby, and I am truly sorry about that and my words the last time we spoke. They were uncalled for. But Bryant dove off the deep end, pouring himself into a bottle of alcohol and just being a shell of a man. You had destroyed him, and so I despi
sed you.”

  Bryant tensed beside me, no doubt ready to toss his mother back out or rein her in again. I knew he understood this was a delicate conversation, and I was fragile.

  “And now, as of recent, you got him to kill someone. Again, I realize it wasn’t your fault, but my son, my only baby boy, faced murder charges. It just wasn’t the life I had planned for him, and in my mind, it all came back to you. You were the root of all the evil.”

  “Mom!” Bryant yelled, stepping in front of me defensively.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That wasn’t how I meant it. It’s just how I saw it. Now I can see how much Rose means to you, how she makes you a better person, minus the murdering part. But that’s what this love is. It is because she means the world to you. I hope that one day you two can forgive us. That we can meet Angelica with you two, and that we can be a part of your lives.” Eleanor reached for a handkerchief and wiped her eyes as she sniffled.

  “Hey, woman! Where are you?” A loud feminine voice bellowed out from the front foyer.

  Leave it to her to crash the moment.

  “Yeah, hey woman. Where are you?” Grant’s voice mocked her as they stepped in to the living room.

  “Remind me to change the locks,” Bryant muttered jokingly in my direction. He stepped away from me and embraced his best friend.

  “Whatever,” Grant kidded back, punching Bryant in the arm.

  “Oh crap, sorry. I didn’t realize you had company,” Leslie spoke as she realized we were not alone.

  “Leslie, hello. It’s okay. We were just leaving.” Eleanor stood, and I looked at Bryant, trying to meet his eyes and give him the look. The look that said, “They are your parents, and they suck, but they are all you get. Don’t let them walk out.”

  “Mom, stay. We actually called Leslie and Grant over. And Rose’s mom…” The door opened and closed again. “…is probably almost here now. God, we really need to lock that door or get a chain on it, something.”

  As my mom walked in and hugged me, Bryant just laughed once more.

  “Anyway, just stay. We have an announcement.”

  Everyone sat, nervously fidgeting as Bryant and I walked to the front of the room hand in hand. “So we have news,” Bryant began excitedly. “We found out at Rose’s follow-up appointment a month ago that—”

  “I swear to all that is holy, don’t you dare tell me she is pregnant, and it took her a month to tell me,” Leslie growled as my mom fought back a smile.

  “Okay, fine. Everyone, except Leslie.” I winked at her, and she stuck her tongue out at me. My, how we have matured over the years. “Bryant and I are expecting a little one.”

  Everyone leapt to their feet and rushed over to us, bursting with joy as they congratulated us, one by one. Even Bryant’s parents were part of the celebration, and, despite our past, it warmed my heart.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  IT’D BEEN A MONTH SINCE I had returned to Ingram Elementary, and I still walked past Ian’s classroom with trepidation and fear, waiting for him to jump out of the shadows where he was lurking.

  “Hey there,” Becky called from behind, sending me shooting into the air in panic.

  “Oh my goodness, Becky. You gave me quite a fright.” I turned to face her, rubbing my arms to calm my nerves.

  “Oh, Rose, I am so sorry. I just wanted to tell you that the matter with Ian has been closed. With his case wrapping up and not looking good, the school board has decided there was enough evidence of him being an accomplice and has terminated his contract. I just can’t believe it. He was odd but seemed genuine…” Becky’s voice trailed off as her attention turned to students arriving at school for the day. “Well, at least it is settled. The detective on the case told me he would call to notify me once he receives his verdict and sentencing, but they seemed confident.”

  With a wave Becky, waddled off to her office, and I turned to get to my classroom. The last month had been a whirlwind as we’d prepared for Christmas break and had fallen into a routine of normalcy. We had been stripped of that chance so early on that it was nice to just take it easy. The baby was doing well, and we would have our twenty-week appointment that afternoon after school to find out the gender.

  AS I WALKED IN the front door, I could hear Bryant clanging stuff around in the kitchen. “Babe, we gotta go. Are you almost ready?” I called. I had swung by the house to pick up Bryant since he had the day off.

  “Yep, I’m ready.” Bryant strolled out of the kitchen, his navy-blue cotton shirt clinging to his every muscle. His denim jeans hung loosely off his hip.

  Stepping up to me, Bryant grabbed my arm and tugged me into him, making me collide with a wall of delicious muscle.

  “Hey.” His voice was all gravelly and heated, sending tingles through my body.

  “Hey back,” I replied in my own sultry voice as I squeezed my legs together to fight off the growing tension. “We have to go. We’re going to be late.”

  Letting out a sigh, Bryant turned and led me out the door then locked it behind us. “So I was thinking…” he began as he held the car door open for me to slide in.

  “Well, that is never good,” I teased as he shut the door and walked around to the driver’s side.

  Bryant flashed me his crooked smile, and my heart melted. “…I don’t want to know if it is a boy or a girl. I want to be surprised.”

  Nodding my head, I tried to decide if I wanted to know or not. “That’s fine.”

  We walked into the doctor’s office five minutes early, thanks to Bryant’s driving. As soon as I checked in, a nurse stepped out and called my name.

  “Good afternoon. How are you feeling today?” she asked, genuinely concerned.

  That was what I loved about this office. It was so homey and relaxed. It felt like an extension of our family because they cared about our baby just as much as we did — just about.

  “I’m feeling great. No morning sickness, fatigue — nothing,” I answered as she took my vitals.

  “That’s great to hear. Some women just get run through the wringer during their pregnancies, so I am always thrilled to hear someone is enjoying it. Go ahead and pull your pants down past your hips. In just a moment, the doctor will be in.” Smiling, she backed out of the exam room, the door clicking as she shut it.

  EPILOGUE

  “COME ON, BABE. PUSH!” BRYANT EXCITEDLY screamed in my ear.

  I was holding his hand so tightly I could see the blood flow cease to reach his fingers. It was all too much — too much pain, excitement, emotion.

  “Rose, I need you to focus. This baby is ready to come out. Now you need to push. I know you are tired, but this is what you’ve worked for. This moment is why you have been so careful and listened to me these last few months. Now, on this next contraction, you are going to bring this baby into the world, okay?” The obstetrician’s green eyes made my heart ache for just a moment, reminding me of the pair I’d stared into the last time I was having a baby. I hadn’t heard from Jordan since that day in the courtroom, and, while it wasn’t constantly on my mind, there would be things, like green eyes that would take me back.

  “Okay?” she asked again, seeing my gaze blur.

  I blinked my eyes rapidly just as a wave took hold of my body once more. It always started in my back, this seizing sensation that immobilized me, and slowly, like lava from a volcano, it spread around to my front until it took hold of my whole body. I could feel the coolness of the air hitting the sweat trickling down my forehead. My brain screamed at me for skipping the epidural on my ingenious plan to have a natural delivery. I was doing it; I had been fine up until this point. But at that moment, I regretted it because I felt like my nether regions were on fire, and I wasn’t sure I could take much more.

  “Now!” Bryant and the doctor screamed in unison.

  I took hold of my knees like they’d instructed and felt my husband’s hands support my back as I pulled in a deep breath and blew it back out slowly.

  One – two – t
hree… Oh my God, this hurts so bad. Four – five – six.

  “Come on, Rose. I see the baby. You’re almost there,” the nurse who had been with me the last eleven hours cheered from my side. She was just way too chipper for my liking. I kind of just wanted to slap her at that point.

  Seven – eight – nine… Relief. I felt it.

  A commotion took hold of the room as a few more nurses stepped closer, and the baby came out. My whole body sagged in relief, spent and exhausted.

  I don’t understand how people willingly sign up to repeat this torture. They must be insane.

  The sounds of my baby crying melted my heart at that moment. The soft wails grew louder until they were full out screams as they suctioned out the baby’s mouth and nose. It was all like slow motion as they bustled around; seconds seemed like hours as the realization hit that I’d had a baby. A healthy baby. A baby who was alive and crying and healthy.

  Bryant leaned down in front of me, a drunken smile on his face as tears streamed down his cheeks.

  “You are crying,” I said.

  A laugh took over him as he kissed my lips soundly, letting me taste his salty tears on my lips. “So are you,” he whispered, bringing his hand up to my cheek and catching the tears resting there.

  “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet your son,” Dr. Shepley announced as she brought the baby into our view.

  That tiny little miracle was bundled up in a striped blanket like a little burrito, and I knew right then I would gladly do it all again — to see my husband’s face light up with joy, to feel my heart grow tenfold, but most importantly, to hold a precious baby in my arms and feel an overwhelming amount of unconditional love.

  Dr. Shepley placed the baby into Bryant’s arms, and I could see his muscles tense as he carefully cradled our little boy. He held him like a glass chalice, a fragile treasure to behold. Bryant turned toward me so slowly and carefully, and my arms shot out, desperate to hold our baby as well. I scooted over on my bed to give him space to sit with me.