Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  “I can’t leave you again. Not after last night.” Reynolds moved out of my arms and sat on the couch, resting his head in his hands. “I’ve never made love like that before. We can’t just stop.”

  A noise escaped from my throat before I could stop it. “It won’t be forever, Reyn. It won’t.” I walked over and sat next to him. “Look, I’d have to leave anyway. You’ll be here helping with the casting, and you’ll be on set filming. We would be apart a lot in the coming months. It is what it is. We can’t abandon this now. It’s too important to too many people. I need us to finish this for Jack, for me…for us.” My eyes watered, but my focus was determined.

  With a heavy sigh, Reynolds pulled me onto his lap and kissed the top of my head. “Are you sure? ‘Cause I’ll abandon everything if it means not losing you. I love you so fucking much.” Reynolds held my hands, and I chewed on my lip. This was so hard. I’d just found him—opened myself up to him—and now I had to make yet another tough decision.

  Reynolds pulled my lip out from between my teeth with his thumb. I tilted my head up and kissed his lips.

  “You aren’t losing me. We’re pressing pause. We’ll continue to be friends, best friends, and pick this up again in a few months.” My voice quivered, betraying my inner conflict. “I love you enough to wait.”

  Reynolds closed his eyes and nodded. “I love you enough to wait, too. You’re right, this is our gift to Jack, and we need to finish it.”

  Tears brimmed out of the corners of my eyes. Reynolds and I would start a relationship together, but first we would honor the life of my first love. It was a powerful story that would be played by a beautiful man, both inside and out.

  I took Reynolds’ face in my hands and kissed him. “My plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning. Our friends-only status doesn’t begin again until that flight departs. I’m all yours, and I hope you’ll take me back in that room and do whatever you want with me.”

  Reynolds shot me a naughty smile. His eyes shone with sensuality as he picked me up and carried me to his bedroom without saying a word.

  The next twenty-four hours were just for us.

  “HEY, REYNOLDS.” MICHAEL Doogan, the actor playing the role of Elwood, approached me with a grin. “Are they here yet?”

  “Not yet, man.” He extended a fist, and I bumped mine against his. Michael had several developmental disabilities, but he had taken the role of Elwood to heart. His portrayal would be unforgettable. “You’re up next, right?”

  “Yeah. Big scene for me. I got it, though.” We were on set, filming in Montana. Our days and nights were long ones, but the movie was progressing just as I had hoped.

  “You gonna introduce me to your friend, Mrs. Atwater?” For the past few months, Liz and I had stayed true to our plan and showed the world a façade of friendship. We still talked several times a day and I would Skype with her and the boys each evening. We even had hot as hell phone sex late at night. But we were the only ones who knew about that.

  None of it was enough.

  “Of course. Liz is the one who picked you for this role.”

  Liz and the boys would be joining me on set this weekend so they could get a taste of movie production. Usually the writers of the screenplay would have a representative on set to ensure the continuity of their writing remained in the movie. Since I was already on set to act, Liz and I decided I would also handle script changes. I would have loved for Liz to have that role and be with me during filming, but she couldn’t leave the boys, and we both accepted our reality.

  “You’re up, Mr. Doogan.” An assistant escorted Michael to his scene, and I stood back to watch. The boys were going to flip out here. The atmosphere was filled with energy as directors, camera crew, and grips rushed about.

  “Mr. Carter, you’re needed in hair and makeup.” I nodded and walked to the trailer. Seeing Liz in a few hours might kill me. To be right with her and not touch her, kiss her, or hold her was the ultimate torture. I glanced at my watch and pressed my lips together to hold back my smile.

  “Jack, you’re working too hard,” said Madeline Montgomery in the role of Liz. The kitchen set was so close to the real one that I had a bit of déjà vu.

  “We’re all sacrificing here. I need you to remember what we’re fighting for.” I spoke Jack’s words and heard light laughter from across the room. My heart raced. For a moment, I thought I was back in Baltimore. We caught each other’s eyes and smiled.

  “That’s a wrap. Take fifteen everyone.” The director’s assistant announced, and I ran to Liz and the boys. I hugged them all and pressed Liz against me with as much force as I thought was safe.

  “I love you so much.” She shivered against me, my words whispered into her ear. “God, I’ve missed you.”

  She pulled back, looking around to see if we had spectators. “Me too,” she mouthed.

  I turned around as I was tapped on my shoulder. “Liz, this is Matthew Kyle. He’s playing the role of your brother, David.”

  “Nice to meet you, Liz.” Matt spoke slowly but very clearly. Liz and I sure as hell were right about actors with disabilities being hired. We were lucky to be working with an actor with the patience and drive that Matt possessed.

  “It’s so nice to meet you, too, Matt. Reynolds tells me you’re playing my brother’s part extremely well. Thank you for that.” Liz and Matt shook hands while Matt blushed. I wasn’t sure of the exact nature of Matt’s disabilities, but he worked extremely hard to succeed in his role. I was sure Jack would be proud of all of us at that moment.

  “Reynolds, please introduce me to your friend.” Madeline spoke smoothly. She was Hollywood’s version of Liz. Tall, blonde, extremely thin, and with sharp features. She was considered a timeless beauty, but she had none of the addicting curves and passionate zeal that was the real Liz. My Liz.

  I hesitated for a minute, clearing my throat. “Liz Atwater, meet Madeline Montgomery.” I hadn’t mentioned anything to Liz because I had hoped it wouldn’t matter, but Kylie and Madeline were close. Best friend close. Kylie had shown up on set twice, to “visit” her BFF. Both times, I had avoided Kylie at all costs and asked Madeline not to bring her back on set again. The last time, I was kind of a prick about it. Here’s to hoping she got my not so subtle message.

  “It’s such a pleasure to meet you.” Madeline shook hands with Liz and offered her a warm smile. I relaxed a little.

  “The pleasure is all mine, Ms. Montgomery.” Liz was a big fan of Madeline’s and was thrilled when she accepted the part.

  “Can I get your opinion on my tone and demeanor in a few upcoming scenes?” Madeline asked Liz. Liz looked between me and Madeline, nodding with a surprised grin.

  I ruffled up Hayden’s hair. “I’ll take the boys to craft services. They can get some snacks, and we’ll catch up.” The boys beamed with excitement. “I’m finished shooting for the day, so I was hoping to take them horseback riding later this afternoon.”

  Liz gave an approving nod and glanced over at the boys who were smiling from ear to ear. “Of course. They’d be thrilled to ride with you. Tim will help me find you when we’re finished.” She headed off with Madeline.

  The boys and I headed to the well-stocked craft services area where they loaded up with every sugary snack and drink they could. We sat at a table, talking about school and spring sports—lacrosse for this crew.

  Grayson and Hayden left the area with a cameraman to check out the editing trailer. Carl, their security guard, was with them, so I allowed them to go. Carl and Tim were retired Army Rangers. Each stood more than six feet tall and over two hundred and fifty pounds. They had told me on numerous occasions that they would do whatever it took to protect the Atwater family.

  “So starting a new school in the fall, right?” I leaned back in my chair, relaxed and glad to have some time alone with Griffin.

  Griffin smiled at me with excitement. “Yeah, I graduate from fifth grade in June. Mom is sending me to a private school now in the fall. Loyo
la Blakefield.” His smile fell. “It’s an all-boys school, and I have to wear a uniform.”

  I laughed and bumped his elbow with mine. “The school is fantastic, Griff. I checked it out. Plus, they have tight security, so you won’t need Carl following you around.”

  “Yeah, that part’s good I guess, even though I do like Mr. Carl. They have a top-notch soccer and lacrosse team, too. There’s a bunch of smart guys who went there, so I guess that’s decent.” Griffin drank his soda and looked around the tent for more celebrities.

  “You know, I went to an all-boys school when I was your age, and we still met lots of girls. There were plenty of dances and mixers. Where do you think the females that go to the all-girls schools are heading on the weekends?”

  Griffin laughed at me. “Okay, you got me there.” He paused before adding, “Reynolds, will you come around more after the movie is finished?”

  “I hope so Griff. I miss you all a lot. After filming, I have a publicity tour and lots of interviews, but then I should be able to take a break for a while. I would love to come back to Baltimore. I need to redeem myself and beat you in some Xbox games.”

  Griffin laughed and shook his head. “Not happening, my man, but, I’m glad you can come back for a while. Mom’s not happy without you. I worry about her. First she loses Dad, and now you’re gone. It stinks. I want her to be happy, ya’ know?”

  I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and sighed. “I know, buddy. I want nothing more than to see your mom happy. Once all this craziness is over, she’ll be my number one priority. I promise.” I couldn’t say any more to Griff. I couldn’t tell him that his mom had become my world and that I was miserable without her, too.

  I couldn’t tell him what I reminded myself each day. That once we finished Jack’s story, ours could begin.

  “OH LIZ, HE’S unbelievable. He’s so dedicated to his role.” Madeline brought me back to her private trailer. I sat on her leather sofa as she sat down in front of her dressing table and needlessly reapplied her makeup.

  Putting down her mascara, she swiveled around in her chair, facing me. She sat with perfect posture, shoulders back, chin jutted out. “He demands that we practice our scenes together over and over. He wants to get our relationship exactly right.” The conversation with Madeline had started like I thought it would. She had asked me about my personal tone and emotion in a few scenes, but then she had spent the rest of the time talking about Reynolds.

  Tossing her hair back, she took a long drink of her sparkling water and set it down before shooting me an all-knowing, but innocent glance. “And it’s paying off. Our chemistry is off the charts. Everyone’s talking about it.” Madeline smirked and then turned back around to fix her hair in the mirror. She needn’t bother. She was perfect.

  “And I know you don’t know about this, being that you’re a grieving widow and all, but good god, he can kiss.” She bit her lower lip, her eyes full of lust. “My kissing scenes with Reynolds are the hottest things ever. I so hope, if you ever get over Jack, that you find a guy that kisses like that.” She thrust out her chest in the mirror, adjusting her cleavage.

  I choked down my mixed cocktail of emotions and attempted a weak smile toward Madeline. My blood was racing through my veins, and my head pounded. I was insulted on so many levels. Her digs over my grieving status and inability to get over Jack were meant to inform me that I was damaged goods. I heard her loud and clear. She was sending me a strong message of her intentions with Reynolds. I understood her completely. What she wasn’t saying directly caused my stomach to harden. I crossed my arms against my chest and clenched my teeth.

  She wouldn’t flipping shut up. She prattled on about their dinners together and how close she had become to Reynolds. With each comment or story, the heat crawling up my body intensified. Pain developed in my jaw from my aggressive grinding.

  “You spent so much time together writing the screenplay, tell me, woman to woman. What’s your opinion of him?” Madeline pondered, her hand resting on her chin.

  Instead of slapping the little hussy, I did what I had to do and kept our secret. I swallowed hard, my hands fidgeting in front of me. “Reynolds has become a dear friend to me. Any girl would be lucky to be with a man of his caliber.” I turned to leave, shaking from the aftermath of our conversation, which was more like her ambush.

  Then she dropped the bomb. “Oh Liz, one more question for you before you scoot.” Madeline didn’t even have the good graces to face me while she spoke. “During your writing time, did Kylie Ford ever come around?”

  I turned back to face her, unsure of how to answer. How was this any of her business? I figured she was scoping out her competition to see where she stood. I decided to answer with honesty. “She came to Baltimore once. Why do you ask?”

  Madeline pressed her lips together, making a popping sound for a few seconds before responding. “She’s getting on my nerves.” She sighed loudly. “Kylie keeps visiting Reynolds here and spends lots of alone time with him in his trailer. I heard they broke up, so that’s why I feel comfortable with our developing relationship, but…” she let out a very dramatic sigh. “I’m concerned that he still has feelings for her. She’s been here a lot, and he seems to be so open with her. What do you think?”

  I rubbed my neck, about to cry. My voice came out whisper soft, but at least I was able to speak at all. “I wouldn’t know about that. It’s really none of my business. Good luck to you if I don’t see you again. I need to go find my boys.” I heard her happily call out goodbye as I ran from the trailer, keeping my head down to avoid any attention, and praying I could leave before anyone watched me break down.

  “Momma!” Hayden called, and I pasted a smile on my face, waving. Hayden sat in front of Reynolds as they rode horses with his brothers. Reynolds saw me leaning against the fence and dismounted from his horse. The farm hands helped Grayson and Griff down, and all three boys led the horses back to the stables to untack, groom, and feed them.

  “Hello, love.” Reynolds leaned on the opposite side of the fence, facing me.

  “Hey there.” My voice was flat, and I kept my eyes on the horse. Reynolds’ brow furrowed. He reached over to grab my hand, but I pulled away, lowering it as naturally as I could to my side.

  “Reyn, look behind you. Photographers,” I whispered, and he turned around, seeing them right away.

  “Bastards. Trying to get a photo op with me and the boys. We have to be extra careful this weekend. They’re everywhere around the set.” He didn’t look pleased but neither of us was disillusioned. He shook his head, focused on the fence between us. We had planned for issues with the paparazzi.

  I stared straight ahead, not making eye contact, unaffected by anything he had just told me. “Right, I’ll get the boys in a few minutes and head back to our hotel. Thanks for the tour and the horseback riding. I’m sure the boys had a great time.”

  “What’s wrong? You sound odd.” Reynolds also stared straight ahead. He looked defensive. Maybe he was hiding something. Maybe this distance had done him some good and shown him that while he loves this family life thing, he’s perfectly fine in the Hollywood world.

  “Nothing, I got a chance to get to know Madeline better.” I forced a smile. “She told me how much time you both spend together rehearsing your scenes. Sounds nice.” A hint of sarcasm escaped and I straightened.

  “And, what, Liz? We play a married couple. Of course we’re together a lot. I’m an actor. C’mon, you know this,” Reynolds snapped. “What did she say?” he asked, his tone sharp.

  “What do you think she said? She loves kissing you, thinks you’re fucking hot as shit, and she’s falling for you. Evidently you two have chemistry like no other. And I don’t mean on set. She’s not talking about just acting. Are you startled by this?” I whispered back with venom as we both continued to stare away from each other.

  “Christ, is that what she said? Either she was testing your reaction, or she’s fucking clueless. I’ve be
en acting with her, playing the role of Jack who is hopelessly in love with Liz. Believe me, I feel nothing for Madeline. I promise you. I haven’t been flirting or leading her on. She’s just another actress who thinks every movie should produce a tabloid headlining couple to increase the hype.” Reynolds’ hands shook as he fought to control his emotions.

  “Reyn, I understand if you find someone else better suited to your lifestyle. Even if it’s Madeline or Kylie.” I blinked back tears and swallowed the lump in my throat as I said the words. The complete ridiculousness of this moment hit me. We stood on opposite sides of a fence, not able to make eye contact as photographers watched and waited for a possible break in our passivity. All the while, we conducted an immensely personal conversation.

  This day had turned out to be just freaking fabulous.

  He gripped the fence and looked like he wanted to snap it in half. Reynolds narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth as he spoke. “Excuse me? What did you just say about Kylie?”

  Who the hell was he to be pissed? I was the one who looked like an idiot here. I knew nothing about Kylie visiting the set and had to find out about it from the beautiful, bitchy actress who had a huge crush on Reynolds. Please.

  “Madeline filled me in on Kylie’s visits to your set. She mentioned how much time the two of you spend together. Alone in your trailer. And how energetic you seem to be after that time together.” I looked up to find him staring at me with wide, panicked eyes. “I feel like such a fool, Reynolds.” My voice cracked on the last words, and Reynolds closed his eyes as if he was in pain.

  “I should have said something before you came out here.” His voice was flat, and I whipped my head up, as he covered his mouth with his hand. My heart dropped into my stomach.