Beautifully Damaged

by Gina Sevani

  "I know you feel your dad especially when you play his guitar, and baby, I know you feel your mom the most when you're singing. I truly believe it's always had the ability to help heal you, if you let it."

  I still had our song book, but I'd only glance at the leather cover. We'd spent so many late nights writing on the back porch watching the stars and the moonlight. It was breathtaking. I inhaled deep to try and keep the tears from escaping.

  "Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there, Ariel."

  My throat tightened with bottled up emotion. It had been years since we'd really talked about my parents. I knew Grams had probably had that speech somewhat prepared for a long time. She poured her heart out to me with every word.

  "You seem so certain about things."

  "Dear, I'm a wise old lady." Grams stopped playing again and set her hands on her lap. A gentle smile graced her face.

  I sighed.

  "Everyone hurts, baby girl, just in different ways. You deserve to have a good life Ariel, chase your dreams, go after what you desire. You of all people should know and have a full understanding of how to endure pain and suffering. Now I think it's time you find love and happiness." She looked into my eyes. Hers held so much emotion. "You are so beautiful and amazing — so talented, so very talented, that's a gift from the Lord above. You needed inspiration, music brings that to you. Do what you do best and maybe you can give that inspiration to someone else who desperately needs it."

  I had to look away. Anywhere but into her eyes, I just couldn't handle it.

  "If perhaps you fail at something in life, just get back up and try again. You will never know what you're capable of if you never try, Ariel. I mean in all aspects of life, not just music."

  A few seconds passed by and neither of us said a thing.

  With a soft sigh, she gently caressed the keys again.

  "I may not have been the perfect person to finish raising you. I'm an old lady, and I'm not sure if I was there for you the best way I possibly could, but… find your strength again and when you do Ariel, you hold on to it with everything you have. You're a fighter and don't ya ever forget it."

  I touched my face and found it wet. I hadn't even realized I'd started crying. Tears tumbled down like a steady rain. A sob escaped, then another. There was no point in even trying to wipe my face, it would have been pointless. So, I just let them fall. The entire top of my shirt was soaked and stained with tears.

  Right then was one of those epic moments in life that could literally take a person's breath away from the truth of it. That moment would change my life for the better, and I was speechless. It was one of those times where no more words were necessary from me. I just listened and welcomed the emotions with open arms, every single one of them. I closed my eyes and remained quiet. I felt… everything. I was so lucky and blessed to have Grams in my life. I made my way toward the piano and sat down beside her. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed like my life depended on it. The peace that came over me settled all of my anxiety. I didn't want to let her go.

  "Please don't ever let it go again," she whispered.

  "I won't. Grams, you were perfect at helping raise me. I love you so much, and I don't know what I would do without you. Honestly I felt like I lost my way for an awful long time but I think I'm getting it back. If I've never said this before, thank you for helping me along the way. I want to do what makes my soul happy Grams."

  "Your mother's favorite quote." Grams smiled, and covered her mouth with her hand when she got a little choked up. Her eyes glistened with tears right before a few fell.

  "Thank you so much for loving me even when I was a pain in the ass."

  She laughed. "Was? Who said anything about was? You still are!"

  "Way to ruin our moment, woman." I kissed her soft cheek.

  "Nothing could ruin what we have."

  Grams wiped my tears, kissed my forehead, and told me she was going to lay down for a quick nap. She was tired; I saw it in her eyes. After a short nap because I was exhausted too, I woke up on cloud freaking nine. I wanted to spend as much time with Grams as I could and after a long day of reminiscing with her I called Big Joe and asked him if he could get out of my shift tonight. I also asked him if he could spare a few minutes of his time to meet with me the following night.

  FOR THE FIRST TIME in what felt like forever, I seemed to have that extra boost of energy. A pep in my step, some would say. I took extra time getting dressed, picked out my clothes, and even spent a few extra minutes playing with my eye makeup. I just felt — good. I quickly pulled the truck into my favorite parking spot and wasted no time as I ran inside Dalton's. As soon as I opened the door I saw Damon and I hurried over to him, threw my arms around his neck, and told him I had a surprise.

  Damon would love the fact that I was going to sing. He had hinted to me over and over that I needed to be performing after the night I had sang with him alone in the bar. That night of crazy karaoke had only made him more insistent. It was strange he was there, but then again maybe he thought I was supposed to be at work. I wasn't sure.

  "Whoa who lit the fire under your ass?"

  Damon was still holding me and his hands wrapped around me felt way too good. I tried to ease out of his strong hold but he tightened his arms. I was so excited and happy for once that I didn't even realize a girl was with him until she cleared her throat and said his name. I looked toward her and back to Damon. She just bluntly stared at me like I had rained on her parade.

  The girl kept saying his name, she sounded like a hyena.

  Speaking of surprises.

  Damon completely ignored her but it was impossible for me to when she was trying to wrap her arms around him and suck his oxygen out like a python. What the hell was my problem with animal references?

  I saw the stern, pissed off look that came across his face as he tried to brush her arms away while he was still holding on to me. That got way too awkward. I started to ease out of his hold and walk around him but he pulled me right back.

  "Not so fast. What are you so happy about? What's going on?"

  I was happy. I looked at her then narrowed my eyes at him. "Umm some other time."

  I turned around and walked as fast as I could to sit in my truck. I needed a few minutes of peace and quiet. My nerves were spooked. It suddenly dawned on me that Big Joe might not let me sing. He'd already done so much for me, he didn't have to help me anymore, and I didn't expect him to. Damon and his guys mostly had the stage. It was booked mainly by him and his band. I wouldn't bring in the crowd they did. I couldn't take that from him or from Big Joe. I threw my head back against the seat and screamed a whole bunch of horrible words in my mind, hoping that would make me feel better. It didn't work. A loud tap on my passenger side window jolted me upright, and my elbow hit the horn.

  "Open up, sunshine," Damon said.

  I leaned over and hand-cranked the window down.

  "What's up?" Damon leaned down.

  "Nothing. I… just… it's nothing," I said.

  "Yeah, I got that back there from you squeezing the life out of me."

  "I didn't know you were with someone, but that doesn't matter anyway. I'll talk to you later when I have everything figured out. Just go back to—"

  "Whoa Ariel that's not what you think, she gave me some spiel about an abusive ex and asked me to walk her to her car, I swear. Simple as that!"

  "Really?" I raised my eyebrows at him. "Is that why she was wrapped all over you. Did her legs all of a sudden stop working? From what I saw, it was more like you needed to carry her ass to the car not walk her to it."

  I started to roll the window up but he reached in and pulled the handle to unlock the door, then climbed inside. It happened so fast I had to scoot over quickly or he would have been in my lap.

  "Really, Damon?"

  "Yes really, Ariel! I told you the exact truth. Why she thought it was okay to touch me I have no clue but the only thing that matters is if you k
now I didn't want her and nothing would have happened." He smiled. "Besides she never touched me until she saw I had my arms around you."

  "Please, whatever. Obviously she thought it was okay to touch you because you're a whore."

  Damon busted out laughing. "You're sexy as hell when you're jealous. And I'm not fighting with you tonight, so don't even try."

  "I'm not jealous!"

  "You so are." He winked. "Now tell me what's going on and what I need to do again to get your arms around me." Damon made himself comfortable by turning to face me and leaning on the door.

  I couldn't help but laugh at him, his laugh was contagious and being around him somehow melted my troubles away. Almost.

  "Okay, I came to talk to Big Joe but I saw you and got sidetracked."

  His laughter faded as some indefinable emotion flickered in his eyes…

  "I wanna sing," I whispered.

  He sat forward. "Come again?"

  "I wanna sing," I repeated a little louder.

  "I'm sorry I don't understand." Damon leaned closer toward me.

  I turned to face him, grabbed his head that he kept bobbing around for some reason. "Focus. Look at me, Damon."

  He was crazy beautiful. He would probably hate the reference, but I didn't care. It should be against the law to be that handsome.

  "I said look at me, damn it!"

  Damon reached for one of my hands holding his face and gazed into my eyes like I was his own personal piece of heaven. I hoped it wasn't possible for him to look at anyone else the way he looked at me.

  "I am looking at you. All I ever see is you, Ariel — nothing but you."

  There goes my heart.

  He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face. I closed my eyes. I could feel myself as I started to shy away, so I tucked my face in to hide the emotions. I was such a chicken shit. Why couldn't I be like other girls? There was a huge chance Damon would break my heart but I just wanted to take the risk for once.

  "You don't even know me."

  "I know enough — for now." He barely caressed the side of my face; it was enough to cause my entire body to shiver.

  Of course he noticed and smiled.

  "Ariel, this is what's going to happen and I'm not getting out of this car until it does. Once you open your beautiful green eyes, the second you look at me, I'm going to kiss you." He waited a beat. "And I'm not going to stop until you desperately need air to breathe."

  I tensed. "I can't, Damon."

  "Yes you can, for once let go. Just feel. Feel me, Ariel," he whispered.

  I wasn't sure I could handle another kiss from the man without exploding, but I did want his lips against mine — so damn much. I was allowing him to get closer and closer. I knew what would happen, I could even predict it.

  Summoning all my courage, I opened my eyes and met his. For just a moment, his lips hovered. In that moment, I felt like I was falling into his gaze. However would I find my way out? Then he leaned in. His lips were soft and firm at first. A simple kiss from Damon was amazing, and powerful. Damon's tongue begged for entrance and for some reason that pleased me. He hadn't yet broken the kiss. It was obvious that he wanted me and he wanted more, so I held on to the little bit of power I had left and kept my lips sealed. Damon slowly licked across my bottom lip and bit it gently.

  "Open," he moaned against my lips. And that was my undoing. I let him in, and oh my, if I thought the kiss before had been mind blowing, we had moved on to an entirely different level.

  The kiss wasn't soft or sweet. It was hard, forceful, passionate and everything beautiful. Damon's lips, tongue and the way he mastered both felt absolutely perfect. His freaking mouth was magic, and I forever wanted to be under his spell.

  My breathing was ragged and heavy, as out of control as his. I couldn't imagine how my body could handle anything else that he could give me. His hand was in my hair, pulling, as his thumb was brushing along the side of my jaw. Damon left my mouth and trailed kisses down the opposite jaw line toward my neck, right under my ear. I gasped at the unusual feeling of having someone's lips and tongue there. He stopped suddenly, I could feel his eyes on mine, but I couldn't look at him, not yet. He laid his forehead against mine tenderly.

  "I don't ever want to stop kissing you, Ariel."

  When I couldn't find words to say, he moved away to the passenger seat. I slowly sank back into mine. Breathing heavily, he rubbed his palms roughly along his face as if he was trying to clear his head.

  "Damn… I knew everything would be different with you." His words were so low and quiet I barely made out what he said.

  I couldn't speak at all. I just sat there, a ball of rubbery muscles and sensitive nerve endings.

  "Say something… anything," he pleaded.

  "Don't make me fall for you… please." I said the words out loud even though I knew I'd already fallen.

  "What does that mean? Why are you fighting this so hard? Our ship hasn't even begun to sail, and you're already sinking us."

  He deserves honesty.

  "I don't deserve love."

  He recoiled. "That's bullshit. All I want is to be with you in whatever way I can. I want you. Take all the time you need to figure things out in your own head but know this, I'm not going anywhere. I will be right here waiting for you."

  Tears threatened my eyes as sadness washed over me. "I don't think I can do this, Damon."

  "You can't or you won't?"

  "Does it really matter?" I slumped into my seat. "I've never felt like this before, what do you want me to say Damon, you scare the living shit out of me, okay."

  "You scare me too."

  A few moments went by in total silence, then Damon broke it, his tone once again upbeat if a little distant. "Okay, let's go back to why I got in the car to begin with. One thing at a time, okay?"

  I nodded.

  "I'm thrilled you're going to sing, you're going to be great."

  "Yeah… I hope so but I have a problem, how or when will I sing here if you're playing here. I'm not going to take that from you, and honestly, the crowd here watching you brings in a lot of money for Joe. People love your music. I don't want to mess that up for you or for him."

  He smiled at me. "You're stressing over an easy fix."

  I gave him an "are you stupid" look. It was not easy.

  "Sing with me."

  I rolled my eyes. "No, absolutely not. You have a band already and it's not a good idea anyway."

  "Why not?"

  "Maybe I should just do this alone, I don't know."

  Damon leaned over in the seat and he rested his elbows on his knees. "Yeah, well, we may have a problem because I want you to do it with me."

  I laughed and shot him a wicked grin.

  "Stop being a perv, Ariel. You can sing songs solo whenever you want but I want you with me, beside me."

  "You can't make that decision. You're not the only one in your band."

  "I can and I will. At least tell me you'll think about it, try it with me so you won't be as nervous then you can go from there."

  That did make sense. I was scared shitless of people watching me. "Maybe."

  He reached over and slowly caressed down my face. "I know you have a lot going through that pretty head of yours, but we need to have a serious conversation about us and soon."

  I nodded yes and agreed because he was right. I was at the point where I felt stuck, at a crossroads. I needed to decide if I was going to try and move forward with whatever it was we had or cut it off completely. It was overwhelming and I was scared to death of wanting him. Well wanting him wasn't the issue, I guess. I was scared of needing him. I thought actually having a relationship was out of the question, but imagining him with someone else made my heart ache. I released a long breath I didn't even know I was holding. I couldn't go there with him tonight. "Thanks Damon, for taking things slow with me."

  He smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead. "By the way, Joe just pulled out of the parking lot so you'll h
ave to talk to him later."

  "Ugh, really?"

  "Yep."

  "But I had my courage up and everything to ask tonight." I pouted a little, and Damon laughed at me. "I need to get back home and check on my grandmother, I don't think she was feeling too good."

  "All right Juliet, be careful going home." Damon kissed me quickly on the lips, the lips that were still tingling.

  "I'll see ya soon, Romeo."

  He stepped out of my truck and walked backward to his car. He smiled and sent me goofy waves the entire time. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of singing beside someone whom I couldn't keep my emotions in check around. I wasn't even sure what our relationship status was… But joining a band and having feelings for someone in said band could not be a good thing. I really needed to focus on my music and the start of this new adventure, not Damon and his sexy lips. But there was also a loud voice in my head screaming that he could help me and that it would be a whole lot easier with him by my side encouraging me than going after it alone.

  Hadn't I been alone long enough?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  SAYING THAT I LOVED SINGING WAS probably an understatement. Guess you could say it was therapeutic. It was the only time I felt somewhat free. If I could really get in the zone, I felt no worries, no struggle, or pain. I was in total control.

  I arrived early for my shift so I could go over my idea with Big Joe. I was nervous as hell. I didn't know why, he'd only ever showed me kindness but it was nerve racking to say the least.

  Big Joe's door was open, and he wasn't alone. Damon occupied one of the chairs in front of his desk. He made the old, ass chair look good. Goodness Gracious.

  "There's my girl," Big Joe said.

  "Hi, I can come back some other time."

  "No, no he's here for you anyway, might as well come in."

  That fact made me even more uneasy. I sat in the chair beside Damon and watched as he fidgeted with his hands, stopping sometimes to spin the ring around on his right ring finger. No one said anything for a minute or so, Big Joe was watching Damon and waiting on him to take the lead of the conversation. I wanted to know why.