Conflicted (Secrets and Lies)

by Koenig, M. M.

  "What is one thing you're grateful for this week?" Ethan asked.

  "I'm fortunate to be surrounded by great friends that are like family to me," I blurted out.

  I snapped my mouth shut with that slip of the lip. I took a deep breath attempting to reinforce the walls I have around people.

  "Care to elaborate," he responded hesitantly.

  "Not particularly," I answered harshly.

  His face stiffened and his eyes darkened. I offered a partial smile in apology.

  "Where do you live?" I asked.

  His eyes centered on me curiously. "I live downtown."

  "Do you like it? It seems like it would be a hassle getting in and out of the city to a place down here for work."

  "I never liked living here. I moved away the second I had a chance."

  "Did you grow up around here?"

  "I think the answer to that is obvious," Ethan replied crudely.

  "I hated it here too. I did the same thing the when I turned eighteen." I said involuntarily.

  Fuck. Again. Why? Where the hell is the version of myself that curbs this shit?

  "I enjoy being downtown. There's a hustle to it making the liveliness seep into you. I like the energy it brings me," he continued carefully.

  It shocked Ethan as much as me. I nodded and resorted to biting my cheeks to keep quiet. My chest constricted with the fear that was rising with how very open I had become with him.

  "Do you still live near Eckman?" he asked curiously.

  I gaped at him. It was unnerving that he knew that I lived close to campus. He detected my alarm waving his hands back and forth.

  "It's not what you think. I saw your address and your academic profile on your resume. I went to the state university nearby. You keep stating you needed a change so I didn't know if that meant in where you lived as well," Ethan explained.

  I softened after listening to him ramble. Despite my best effort to prevent it, my heart swelled for him. Ethan relaxed with a shy smile.

  "Yes, I'm near campus. The place I'm at now is in a very nice neighborhood. It's certainly nothing like the streets around here," I said, motioning my hands around us. Ethan opened his mouth but I beat him to the punch wanting to know more about him. "What street did you live on? I don't ever recall seeing you while growing up."

  "State and Michigan."

  It looked like he wanted kick the living daylights out of something just thinking about where he grew up. He closed the door on that subject by his reaction alone. I was familiar with that part of south side. It was the worst intersection of streets down here and mob central so the crime rate was astronomical. I shivered as the conversation from Colin and Sean crept into my head. It reinforced my earlier thoughts that things were definitely corrupt around here. Ethan seemed to hate everything about here. It confused me because I had no clue where he fit within this picture. My mind remained captivated by that detail. It allowed for my mouth to babble against my will.

  "I grew up on the opposite end."

  I forcefully bit my lip. A soft smile appeared on his face that brought out his dimples.

  "Our paths must not have crossed with all those blocks between us because I would have remembered meeting you," Ethan whispered.

  Lord, he confuses me. He was irate a minute ago and now he is sweet as can be.

  We had closed the distance to my car. I reached into my purse for my keys and pressed the button to unlock the doors. The headlights illuminated the dark parking lot. As light filled the surrounding space, I caught Ethan watching me. He had calmed down and his dimpled smile still graced his face making my insides leap. His dark irises tenderly appraised my every move as he stood there with his fists curled at his sides like he was refraining himself from moving an inch. My stomach flipped all over itself at the idea of touching Ethan again. His stance made warmth glide into my heart attempting to crack at the impenetrable walls there.

  I should go but I wasn't ready to stop talking with him. It was the first time we really talked to each other. I was able to ask some basic questions without losing complete control over my body. As much as I hated admitting it, he intrigued me. I leaned against my car looking at him as he cocked his head at me with a crooked grin.

  "What's one thing you liked about growing up here?" Ethan asked.

  "I was fortunate to find friends that had wonderful families who opened their home to me and cared for me unconditionally," I responded honestly.

  I had no idea how he was able to get these answers. I sure as hell didn't forfeit them over willingly. He got more out of me in the last ten minutes than any guy has gotten in the last ten months. It had to be the extra effort my brain was using to control my body.

  "If you were sand on the beach, what would you say to the people that stepped on you?"

  "This question is even more random than you asking how old I was out of the blue," Ethan pointed out. I smiled arching an eyebrow. His grin grew wider. "I would have to say get the hell off me you assholes. I'm very selective about the people that can cross me."

  I giggled. He seemed to unwind with the sound of my laughter. He uncurled his hands crossing them across his chest.

  "What beach would you be on as you cussed out all those that walked along you?"

  He snorted and ran his eyes all over me as if he was trying to figure me out.

  Good luck. I'm a hot mess.

  "I'm not sure I want to share such intimate details with you on that one," he retorted.

  Ethan was well aware of how I was handling him throughout this conversation. He was putting up his own front by refusing to answer a question. We were treading lightly with one another but there was an ease that hadn't been present before that made it different. He wasn't too bad to be around when I could keep my body in check. I was still spending a healthy amount of brain space to control all the impure feelings surging through me. However, I was able to focus better than I ever had in the past. I considered it forward progress.

  "What made you pick this type of car?" Ethan asked, pointing to my Mazda.

  "It was in my price range," I answered but it rolled out more like a question.

  He strolled around it and ran his hands along the spoiler before returning to open my door.

  "It's a great car. Why black for the color?"

  "Because red gets people pulled over," I replied sarcastically.

  I peeked at him absorbing his reaction. I never knew if he would laugh or get angry. His lips remained in a thin line trying to be stern but quivered as he started to chuckle.

  "Thanks for walking with me. I'll see you tomorrow," I whispered, getting into my car.

  "Yes, you will. Bye Mia," Ethan replied with a parting smile.

  ~

  I got home making small talk with Jackson and Shane since Bri and Trey were nowhere in sight. They had hangovers so it was a brief chat. The drain of the day had hit me too. The uneasy feelings from earlier surfaced as I started thinking about Sean and Colin's conversation. I decided against talking to Harrison about it. I had no idea if what I heard would even help. It was all rather cryptic. I needed to figure out what they attained that was so huge.

  As I lay in bed, my stomach became queasy at the many possibilities of what they could've gotten to execute vengeance upon someone. The guilt subsided in light of this new information but it was fleeting as Ethan crept into my thoughts. I wondered what his part was in all of it. He didn't strike me as someone that was cold or evil. Then again, he couldn't be oblivious to whatever Sean and Colin were up to either. I buried my head in my hands for even thinking about Ethan at all. I shouldn't care what his place was in all of it but I was having issues ignoring the way he made me feel. I had no clue what that was all about but it was becoming stronger by the day.

  Our conversation flowed through my mind. I refused to entertain a discussion with every guy I had been with since Micah. Ethan had become an exception. He intrigued me and that scared me more than the shit storm of feelings he aroused with h
is looks alone. Ethan was easy to talk to when I was able to focus on the subject matter versus my sexual desires. I sensed we had more in common with one another than I cared to acknowledge. It was obvious that he had an interest in me.

  I started tingling all over only to become angry that he had somehow slipped in and was messing with my body and head. I had little room for mistakes with my purpose there. Whenever he was around, I let my fascination with him dominate all my rational thoughts. Reason went out the window when he was near. I had put walls around my heart to keep people out. When Ethan was around, the walls rattled and urged to break down. If anyone tore them down, it would be him too. I rolled to my side closing my eyes to banish any further thoughts about his affect on me. I didn't sign up for this to feel again.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I couldn't rid Ethan from my thoughts for very long. He poked his head in left and right making it impossible to push him out. The harder I tried, the more he surfaced. It exhausted me to pretend like I had no interest in him. I couldn't chase him but that never seemed to stay in my thoughts for long. They drifted to his body or something he would say in passing. I reasoned that I couldn't be attracted to someone that had the capability of being that evil. Then thoughts of Micah sprang into my head making me question my judgment all together. The verdict was still out on Ethan.

  I was sitting in a meeting with him and the rest of my team with the warmth in me stronger than ever. I didn't have to participate in the presentation and ended up staring at Ethan throughout the majority of the meeting. Every so often, he'd glance at me with a partial smile. I never pegged myself as one of those girls that had a thing for bad boys but being around Ethan made me question it. Micah was always in trouble even when we were kids. He had the bad boy swagger down to a T and expressed it freely. Ethan was a different type of bad boy. He kept me guessing every chance he got.

  Somewhere in my daydreaming, the meeting ended and people were getting ready to leave. I pushed away from my chair grabbing my things. On my way out, I found myself staring into his dark brown eyes. Every day he would stare at me with such intensity that it made me desperate to know his thoughts. It was like I was a piece to a puzzle for him but he wasn't sure where he could place it. He motioned for me to stay. My body electrified with all the fire running amuck from staring at him throughout the meeting. I took a deep breath preparing myself for another go around

  Ethan flashed his cocky grin making his dimples spread across his face. We stared at each other for a few minutes without saying a word. He was stunning in his black Armani suit topped off with a scorching red tie. My stomach tightened into knots as the rest of me tingled in all the right areas. Ethan closed the distance settling next to me. He brought his hands out of his pockets folding them over his chest. He grazed the side of my arm ever so slightly. Everything hummed at a higher level with that simple touch making my breath catch.

  "Mia, I know we spoke the other night. This is a more of a formal conversation to determine how matters are going for you around here," Ethan said with a wide smile.

  "It's been going great. I'm very lucky to be working with such a brilliant team," I stammered.

  "I figured you would fit in good with them. It's important to me that things are going well for you here," Ethan responded.

  His eyes drifted to mine with a slow burn that hit right to the core of me. I really wanted to touch him just to satisfy the yearning within me. My brain was close to leaving the building as the rest of me started to liquefy. I swore the temperature in this room went up at least twenty degrees in the last ten minutes. I shook my head to gather myself.

  "I like this place far more than I ever thought I would," I confessed.

  "Did you expect to have a hard time fitting in?"

  "I had no experience coming into it so it was hard to say. It's worked out better than I could have asked for. I may end up being good at it."

  Ethan rolled his eyes. "Mia, I doubt there are very many things that you aren't able to succeed at. It was your biggest selling point when I interviewed you."

  "And here I thought it was my looks that got me the job," I blurted out.

  Where did that come from? And why God...why would I ever say it out loud?

  Ethan chuckled. "Your confidence in yourself was definitely a selling point too."

  If I wasn't blushing before, I was now. I probably gave red a completely new shade. I nodded outright mortified. I had no clue where he saw confidence but the sincerity he had in his voice revved up my pulse. Ethan stared at me with a look in his eyes that was becoming more intense as each day passed. It was a cross of longing with a touch of mystery. My brain was using its last efforts not to lean into him to satisfy the wanton ache within me.

  "I won't keep you any longer. I foresee good things for you here," Ethan declared.

  The hot and bothered feelings disappeared with the chill that ran through me. I hated lying to him. It had not been easy thus far but lying as I looked into his eyes made me feel horrible. I needed to get away from him. I had become a hot mess. My body jumped from one emotion to the next faster than I preferred. It was also glaringly obvious that my control over what came out of my mouth was a problem.

  "I'm going to head back upstairs to finish out the day. I appreciate that you asked how my position was going for me. It's good to know that you take a personal interest in your staff."

  The argument in my head from earlier resurfaced. I was starting to believe that he didn't have the capacity to be as evil as everything else around here. He was dangerous but not anything like Sean and Colin. He was dangerous to me because of the way I felt about him. I needed to work harder to distance myself from those desires. I gathered my binders and started to back away from the table. Ethan gave me a parting grin before I opened the door briskly leaving the room.

  ~

  The house was dark when I got home so my roommates were at class yet. I hid out in my room like a hermit. Ethan and Harrison's offer took up all my brain space. I thought about Ethan much more than why I was at that company.

  Why would he come into my life now? I'm there to screw over his company not screw him. I want one way more than the other. That is one in a series of problems with me.

  Since the beginning, I had difficulty separating myself from the people within Ethan's company. In the past, it had never been a problem for me to separate myself from the subject matter. It was why I was a fit for the opportunity. As Ethan stated, I kept everyone at a distance but he was becoming the exception to the rule and that pissed me off. I shouldn't be humanizing him. If Mother Nature could explain that to my body, then I'd be golden but that didn't seem like it was going to happen any time soon. Somewhere along the line, I had lost my touch or I was lost period.

  A healthy reminder of why I ended up taking the offer was necessary. I could endure a few hours of pain to get my head straightened out. Something had to be done to shove Ethan out. I needed this undercover work to end so getting my shit together was imperative. It would be crushing to walk in and out of that company living a lie for much longer.

  I forced myself to start thinking about Micah. He was the only thing that made the scars within my heart slice open. As I let him surface, the lacerations he left inside of me bleed remorselessly as the hurt increased almost as if vinegar ran through the cuts to reinforce the ache.

  I thought about opening the letter that Micah left for me. I found it several weeks after he left but never opened it. I should open it just to get some closure. I wanted to believe that someday I'd be able to allow him into my thoughts and not have my insides go to shreds.

  I hopped off my bed and opened my closet door. I dropped to my knees dusting off the box containing the letter and took a deep breath before retrieving it. I crawled back into bed turning the envelope over in my hands. Other than Trey, it had been so long since I had seen anything that reminded me of him. After he left, I shunned my memories of him. It took extra effort in our old neighborhood but I had managed
to push them into a sealed box inside of me.

  Now is the best time to read this so I can get my head screwed on straight again - if that is even possible anymore. If Micah's goal was to leave me utterly fucked up when he left, he achieved it. Most days I don't know which way is up let alone where my place is in all of it.

  I ran my hand across his script as more memories filtered through my head making the pain kick up a notch. Even though I hated him, a tiny part of me missed him because he was one of my oldest friends. He knew everything about me. I opened up to him in every way. Apart from Bri, he got a side of me that I rarely shared. I never had anyone to share with at home so it had become second nature to lock it up. He had always been there for me. When he left me, it devastated me as deeply as it did because I had never been without him.

  As much as I tried not letting them surface, the good memories of Micah crept in from time to time. It had not helped the situation that those memories of him made me realize how fortunate I was to have him and Trey throughout my childhood. Micah stayed around later in the days then Trey did almost as if he knew how much I hated being alone or with Chase. It destroyed me to admit that he was a huge reason why I was able to get through the loneliness of my childhood. He gave me hope that there had to be something better out there for me. It wasn't the agony of him leaving me but the pain of losing one of my best friends.

  I clutched the envelope to my chest for a few moments longer. I let the love and the hurt and the sadness consume me before tearing into it. As I opened the letter, a photo tucked inside fell out. It was a picture of the two of us taken a few weeks before he took off. I remembered it like it was yesterday. We were goofing off in bed and happy as ever. He grabbed the camera saying he wanted to remember it forever. Since we were forever, Micah wanted to document it with all the others that we had together. It was the typical self-posed shot but the love between us was undeniable. My heart throbbed to have an actual visual of him over what was running through my head. I tossed it to the side and folded over the letter.