Promise Me Always

by Kari March

  “Well, this night has definitely been eventful,” Matt sighed, making the understatement of the year. “What happened out there?” Matt asked me.

  “I just fucked everything up, Matt. I left her. I told her it wasn’t goodbye and that I just needed a break, but I am pretty sure she knew I was lying,” I paced in a circle. “She was devastated. I left her out there, sitting on the porch, crying. And the worst part of all is, right before I walked out, she fucking told me she loved me. I am such a piece of shit!” I sat down on the bed and pushed my hands through my hair. “I know I can’t make her happy. There’s no way. Just look at what I did to her tonight. How could she even say she loves me after what I did to her?”

  Matt sat down next to me and put his hand on my back. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Blake. You are a great person. Hell, you’ve been there for me more times than I can count. You would do anything to protect her and you didn’t mean to do what you did tonight. I know I’m the last person to be giving advice on the subject, but seriously, dude, if she says she loves you and you love her, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try?”

  “I love her so fucking much. I just want her to be happy and she sure as hell was not happy tonight. I need to let her go so she at least stands a chance to have a happy, stable relationship. I am not good for her.”

  “Whatever you say, man, but you deserve to be happy, too. Don’t forget that.” Matt stood up and made his way for the door. “You’ve had a lot to drink tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Get some sleep and think about it in the morning when your head is clear.” He shut the door as he left me alone.

  Lying down on the bed, closing my eyes, I replayed the night’s events over and over again, reliving the nightmare. I knew in my mind I had no intention of ever getting back together with Tess, but my heart was screaming at me to go find her and make things right.

  Lying in the darkness, I shut out my heart as my mind took control—what I had done was best for Tess. I knew that no woman would ever be able to fulfill the void that I was feeling in my chest. I left my heart with her out on that porch and I never wanted it back.

  He left me.

  “Tess, doll, come on. Get up. Seriously, can you please say something? Tess?” I heard Lexi speaking, but I couldn’t form words. I was frozen—fear and panic taking over my body.

  He left me again, forever. It’s over.

  I was breathing heavy, tears spilling out of my eyes. My chest was on fire and it was hard to breathe. Am I having a panic attack? The air was being forced out of my lungs like a giant boa constrictor was wrapped around my chest, cutting off all of my oxygen. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but as soon as they closed, visions of Blake walking away filled my head. His words echoing in my ears, “This isn’t goodbye. I promise.” But he was lying, I could hear it in his voice. It was goodbye.

  My eyes flew open not, wanting to relive the moment. I would rather feel all the physical pain in the world than have to see that vision over again. I forced myself to regain control.

  I stared down at my foot, focusing on the small flower that was painted on my toe nail. It was pink and white with a small diamond in the center. It took all my strength to focus on that stupid flower, but I slowly started to snap out of my petrified state. I could still hear Lexi and Avery speaking to me, pleading with me to answer them, but I didn’t have the strength to respond.

  I looked up at them slowly, but only saw blurred outlines of my two best friends. They must have taken that as a sign that I was okay because I felt them pull me to my feet. It took me a second to feel my legs as they put my arms over their shoulders and started leading me towards the driveway. After practically dragging me half way, my legs started to move on their own and my tears started to subside.

  Avery’s car came into view and, as we approached it, Avery slid out from under my arm and ran over to the rear passenger door and opened it. Lexi helped me slip into back seat and once I was in, she ran over to the other side and climbed in next to me. I heard her tell Avery to go find Palmer as they both shut the doors. I laid down on the seat and put my head in her lap as I started to weep again. Stroking my hair, she tried to calm me down. “It’s okay, Tess, I know he didn’t mean it. Everything will be alright—you’ll see.”

  “No, he left me Lex. He walked away. For good this time.” I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes but it was no use—they were replaced by new ones faster than I could dry them.

  “Tess, I see the way he looks at you. And I see the way you look at him,” she said soothingly. “There is no way this is over, doll. He was a wreck just now. I have never seen him so upset. Please, just trust me, I know he loves you.”

  I almost wanted to scream at her and tell her she was fucking insane for saying that he loved me. If he really did, he never would have just left me sitting there on the porch! I knew she meant well, so I kept my anger at bay. She was just trying to help.

  I laid there in Lex’s lap for what seemed like hours, trying to settle my tears. But time was moving so slowly—all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Between my bruised head and broken heart, I felt like I could sleep for days. I had just calmed down, the tears finally stopping, when I saw Palmer and Avery as they walked up to the car.

  Palmer opened the door by Lexi, bent down and kissed my head. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Sis. Avery told me what happened. Are you okay?” she asked, her voice heavy with concern.

  “No…I’m not okay. I love him, Palm,” I said, the tears spilling over again. Fuck, I’m a wreck! “I was with Jared for almost two years and the pain he caused me doesn’t even hold a candle to how I am feeling right now.” I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. The tears had just stopped and now they were back in full force.

  “Wait, you love him?” she said, shocked. “Did you tell him?”

  “I was about to and then he… he cut me off and told me he needed time to think,” I said, losing myself to the emotions wracking my body. I covered my face with my hands, only to pull them back when it caused my face to burn. “It took all my courage to work up the nerve to tell him and he didn’t even let me. He left instead. Just as he was almost gone, I tried so hard to make myself get up and scream it to him, but I couldn’t move and it only came out as a whisper. I don’t even know if he heard me.” I sat up and stared at the three girls.

  “We finally decided tonight that we were exclusive and then all of this shit happens. I never thought that one of the best days of my life would also be one of the worst.” I ran both of my hands through my hair and grabbed on for dear life. I was so baffled, wounded and emotionally drained that I actually felt like ripping it out.

  “Would it make you feel better if I went in there and chopped off his balls and shoved them down his throat? Because I’ll do it if it will help. Seriously, Tess, say the word,” Palmer said with complete seriousness. We all looked at her and busted out laughing. Leave it up to Palm to say something like that at a time like this.

  “What’s so funny?” she asked as she tilted her head at us. “I’m not kidding! I may love him like a brother, but any prick that pulls a stunt like this, especially with my sister, deserves it. Fucking asshat!”

  I was so grateful for my sister. I didn’t know what I would do without her in these situations. She was my lifeline and always made me laugh at just the right moments. Clutching my stomach from all of the laughter, I finally calmed down enough to reply, “No, Palm, it’s okay. I just want to go home and get some sleep. Thanks, though. You’re the best.”

  “Alright, Sis, go home and get some sleep and I will call you in the morning, okay? I love you and everything will work out for the best.”

  “I love you, too, Palm. Thanks again,” I said. She closed the door and walked back inside. Avery jumped into the driver seat and started up the car, then started to back down the long, winding drive way.

  “Tonight was just one big fucking disaster, huh?” Lexi said as we pulled out onto the dark dirt road that wo
uld lead us back into town.

  “You can say that again. Men are so stupid!” Avery said, adjusting her rear view mirror.

  “Wait, what did I miss? What else happened tonight?” I asked, perplexed. I was so caught up in my own drama that I didn’t even notice my friend’s predicaments. I sat up and looked over at Lex. Her makeup was smeared under her eyes like she had been crying as well. Then I glanced at the rearview mirror and noticed the depressed look on Avery’s face.

  “Where do you want us to begin?” Avery chuckled sarcastically. Then I remembered I had seen Avery crying when she came in the front door when I was looking for Blake. I had no clue what was up with Lex, though. Suddenly, I felt like a bad friend. They had been at my side the whole night while I cried on their shoulders and I didn’t even know what the fuck had happened to them.

  “Devin is so stupid and don’t even get me started on Matt,” Lexi huffed as she crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Shit, guys, I’m so sorry. I was so preoccupied with Blake that I didn’t even notice. I feel horrible.”

  “Seriously, Tess, you have nothing to feel bad about. You had a way worse night then either of us,” Avery said.

  “So what happened?” I coaxed them. They were silent, apparently neither of them wanted to relive the nightmares they had lived through tonight either. “Lexi, what happened?” I pressed.

  She sighed before beginning. “It’s a long story that I will tell you all about later, but let’s just put it this way—Matt has absolutely no fucking clue as to what he wants. I let him kiss me tonight and it was the most amazing kiss of my life. Then he pulled away and told me it was a mistake. I cannot take his fucking mixed signals anymore.” Lexi turned and stared out the window as she wiped a tear away from her eye.

  I felt terrible for her. I knew how much she liked Matt and it killed me to see her in pain like this. Lexi never let any guy ever get to her the way Matt did.

  “Oh, Lex, I’m so sorry.”

  “Well, at least you didn’t walk in on Devin and Christina. That is one image I will never be able to get out of my head!” Avery exclaimed.

  “Holy shit!” I gasped, my eyes widening. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I yelled. “Wait, Christina…as in Christina Summers?”

  “Yep,” Avery sighed.

  “I thought she left the party? When the hell did this happen… and what the fuck was Devin thinking?” I screeched.

  “I thought she did, too, but after your ‘incident’ on the dance floor, I went to find him so he could talk to Blake. Someone said they had seen him heading for the bathroom. I was walking down the hall when I heard his voice coming from the bedroom. I poked my head in the door and saw her on her fucking knees, giving him head. I gasped out loud by accident and they both looked up and saw me,” she said, shaking her head at the memory. “I slammed the door shut. I heard Devin yell ‘Fuck!’ as I made my way back down the hallway.” Avery sounded disheartened. She had never said she had feelings for Devin, but the way she acted when he was around gave her away—so this wasn’t a complete shock.

  Avery had a very rough childhood. She never talked about it, though. Every time Lex and I would try to get her to open up, she would change the subject. We never pushed her into telling us—we figured that if she wanted us to know, one day she would tell us. Whatever it was, I think it made her dislike men. She never gave any guy the time of day and there were plenty that tried. In fact, I don’t think she ever had a serious boyfriend. Lex and I thought she was a lesbian when we befriended her our junior year because she never seemed attracted to guys. About three months after meeting her, she put that theory to rest when we were watching “The Hangover” and she told us that she thought Bradley Cooper was hot. Since high school, she had dated a few guys, but never made it past three or four dates. She would always end it for some lame reason. From what I could gather from the conversations we did have about her past, I think it had to do with a boyfriend she had freshman year.

  “Guys suck balls!” Lexi shouted, punching the seat in front of her. We all giggled a bit at her sudden outburst. “I think I saw your friend Cara fighting with her boyfriend, too. They were yelling at each other when they got into his truck earlier.”

  “What the hell! Is there a full moon tonight or something?” I asked as I looked out the windows. I was halfway kidding but, sure enough, I spotted it shining brightly. No wonder everyone was having a shitty night.

  Avery turned into my apartment complex just after midnight. I was still looking out the window when she pulled up to my building. She parked the car and I opened the door to get out, “Thanks for dropping me off, Avery. Sorry tonight ended up being so crappy for all of us.”

  “Anytime. You want us to come up with you?” Avery asked. Lexi got out of the back seat and made her way around to the front passenger side, stopping to give me a hug.

  “No, I think I just need to go to sleep. Love you both. Call me tomorrow,” I said, releasing Lex.

  “Sure thing, doll.” Lex plopped down into the front seat. “Sleep well. Love ya.” She shut the door and I watched as they drove away.

  As I turned to head up my stairs, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I spun around and saw a black car sitting at the very far end of the parking lot. I stopped and stared into the darkness, focusing solely on the dark vehicle. It looked strangely familiar to me, but was so far away, I couldn’t make out what kind it was. I got an eerie feeling in my stomach—like I was being watched.

  I stood there, gaping at the mysterious vehicle. A shudder ran through my body when another vehicle’s headlights swept across the back window, lighting up the inside of the car and I noticed a dark figure sitting in the driver seat. My heart skipped a beat and I was suddenly cold with fear. I spun around quickly and headed up to my apartment. Once I was inside, I locked my door and, in the darkness, I snuck over to the window to peek outside. Just as I peeled back the blinds, the car squealed out of the parking lot and vanished into the night.

  It had been two days since I left Tess, two days since she told me she loved me. Two days since I tore both of our hearts out and I literally began dying inside.

  I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep and, when I did, I was haunted by visions of her. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived the fucking nightmare. I couldn’t get the image of her sitting on the porch out of my fucking head. My knuckles were red and bruised from all of the holes I had punched in the wall. I had spent the past two days in agonizing pain, fighting the urge to call her. It took all I had to control the aching need to go to her and apologize for being such an ass.

  Matt came over yesterday to try and keep my mind off of her, but it didn’t help. Devin tried to get me to go to the bar with him for drinks last night, but I knew if I drank anything at all, I would give in to the hedonistic side of me. So far, I was winning the internal battle waging inside me and had stayed away from her. I knew it was what was best for her and, as hard as it was going to be, I had to do it.

  I was happy this morning when I woke up. I thought it would be easier to forget about her while on shift, but boy was I wrong. Being at work usually cleared my head, but today it was almost as unbearable as sitting at home. I tried so hard to push her from my thoughts, but I couldn’t do it. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I couldn’t even turn on the fucking radio without hearing a song that made me think of her. I had almost called in sick, but knew it would be worse to be stuck at home, wallowing in self-pity. I was here now and I had to stop thinking about her. I needed my head on straight. There was only one place in the whole station where I would be able to clear my head—the gym.

  As I opened the door, I saw Cam beating the hell out of the poor punching bag that hung from the ceiling. He looked infuriated as he unleashed whatever aggression was raging inside him. As he pummeled his fists over and over again, he seemed lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t even look up when the door slammed shut behind me. As I crossed the room and made my way over to the treadmil
l, he finally noticed that he was no longer alone. He threw one last hard blow to the bag and stopped to rest for a bit.

  “Everything okay, dude?” I asked as I stepped onto the treadmill, “or did that punching bag sleep with your girlfriend?”

  Cam chuckled a bit, “What girlfriend?” His voice sounded downright dejected as he reached for a towel.

  “I take it you and Cara ended things?”

  “More like—she ended it with me.” He wiped the sweat off of his face and then stepped up on the treadmill next to me.

  “What the fuck did you do to her?”

  “I don’t know. We got into it at Matt’s party. She was already pissed at me because I refused to meet her parents while they are in town this week. Then, to top it off, I saw my ex at Matt’s party and Cara freaked out when I started talking to her,” he shook his head in disbelief. “She thinks I still have feeling for Amber. Cara met me yesterday and told me it was over, but didn’t really give me a reason. She just said that we were both better off if we just ended it.”

  “Shit. Sorry, Cam. You holding up okay?” I suspected he was taking it pretty hard by the way he was beating the shit out of the punching bag when I came in.

  “Not really,” he said as rubbed the back of his neck with the towel. “She was different, ya know? I’ve always been scared to settle down, but I was actually warming up to the idea of spending my life with her.” He sounded disappointed as he spoke.

  “Then why did you refuse to meet her parents?” My treadmill started to pick up so I was jogging at a steady pace.

  “I don’t know! I guess I just freaked out,” he shrugged. “I’ve never actually met a girl’s parents before and this is all new to me. Do you think that’s why she ended it?” He looked at me with a small glimmer of hope in eyes.

  “I don’t know, Cam. Seems like maybe there is something else going on. Maybe you just need to go talk to her and find out what it is.” I was now running and talking was getting harder to do.