Promise Me Always

by Kari March

  He looked exhausted when he kissed my forehead and said goodbye, telling me he would see me later this evening and he would bring dinner. Apparently, he had found someone to work the back half of his shift and I was instantly nervous, yet incredibly excited at the same time, to see him again so soon.

  I had finally calmed my thoughts down enough to drift off to sleep when there was a knock at my door.

  I slowly got up off of the couch, praying that it wasn’t my parents, Palmer or Lexi. I had seen enough of them in the past twenty four hours and, while I loved them tremendously, I didn’t think I would be able to handle them much longer. I smiled a warm, heartfelt smile as I pulled open the door and saw Shane standing on the other side, holding a little white teddy bear and a shiny silver balloon that said ‘get well soon’.

  “Hey, Tess! How are you feeling, sweetheart?” he asked me softly. His bright blue eyes were full of concern.

  “Okay, I guess. Still pretty sore, but nothing I can’t handle,” I replied, motioning for him to come in.

  He handed me the teddy bear and balloon before we made our way over to the couch. Before taking a seat, I released the balloon and watched as it floated up to the ceiling. Hugging the soft white teddy bear to my chest, I took a seat on the couch, curling my legs up underneath me. Shane sat on the opposite end and I watched him as he removed his shoes and kicked his feet up on the coffee table.

  “Thanks for the bear and balloon. You’re too sweet,” I said as I ran my fingers through my hair. Shane had been there for me so much in the past month—I didn’t know how I could ever repay him.

  “So… are you here for the detailed play by play or did you already talk to Palmer?” I asked him with a smirk, already knowing the answer to my question.

  “Really, Tess? Between Lexi and Palmer, I’m pretty sure I know every detail. The play by play will not be necessary,” he answered sarcastically. “I was worried sick about you, though. Are you sure you’re okay? Can I get you anything? Food? Water? Advil?” he asked as he stared at my black eye.

  “Pretty, isn’t it?” I chuckled. “It looks a lot worse than it is. I’m fine though, really. I just need to try and get some sleep. I’m exhausted and I haven’t slept very well the past few days.” I said, shrugging my shoulders. I hoped that he would take the hint that, while I was grateful that he cared enough to come over to check on me, he really should be moving on. I really wanted to try and sneak in a few hours of sleep before Blake showed up later.

  “Well, I won’t stay then,” he said, his voice and face full of disappointment. “I just wanted to tell you… you know what? Never mind. It isn’t any of my business, anyway,” he said as he started to put his shoes back on.

  “Tell me what, Shane?” I questioned him.

  “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have said anything. It isn’t my place.”

  “Shane, you obviously came over here to tell me something. Now out with it before I get my bruised, weak body off of this couch and beat it out of you,” I demanded. There was nothing that pissed me off more than someone starting something and not finishing it. I stared at him, my arms crossed over my chest as I waited.

  “Fine, but I am only telling you this because I care about you and I don’t want to see you get hurt anymore than you already have.” As soon as he said it, my heartbeat started to pick up. I knew it wasn’t good if he had to start off the conversation like that.

  “Okay…” I managed to say, my mind racing and fear taking over. Maybe I should’ve just let him drop it.

  “Well, you know that night at Davis’ party?” I shook my head, knowing exactly what night he was talking about. That was the night Blake had dropped a little hope back into my heart, the night I thought maybe he did want to be with me. It was also the last time I saw him for almost a month. “Well, I know it isn’t any of my business, but Blake did something that night that I think you should know about. And when I say did something… I mean he did someone.”

  My heart plummeted into my stomach and I instantly felt like throwing up. The entire room starting spinning and I grabbed the arms of the couch to keep from falling over. This was too much—way too much. I closed my eyes, not able to speak, trying desperately not to pass out. Opening them slowly, my focus went straight to the balloon that was now floating above Shane’s head.

  “I wasn’t going to tell you because, technically, he didn’t cheat. I mean, you weren’t together. But I heard that he’s back in your life now and I thought you had a right to know,” Shane paused, letting his words sink in. “Blake is one of my best friends, but you are, too. I can’t stand to see you get hurt again. He will never change, Tess, and maybe this will make you see that.”

  Hearing Shane say that we weren’t together made it almost worse to hear. I knew we hadn’t been together and, technically, what he did shouldn’t bother me, but he always held my heart. The fact that he could toss it away so quickly, just for a piece of ass—it gutted me. Destroyed me. Ruined me.

  “Who?” I stammered, shaking my head, “who was she?” I stumbled over my words, trying not to break down. I was still staring at the balloon as it drifted around the ceiling.

  “Kristi Andrews. You know, Blake’s first girlfriend,” he shrugged. “They dated for almost a year back in high school and then she just up and left his ass one day for no reason.”

  I knew exactly who he was talking about. Blake had talked about her before. He loved her and she ripped his heart out in front of the whole school.

  “They started talking at the party after you left. The next thing I knew, they were laying in the back of Devin’s truck. I’m telling you, Tess, he is no good for you. I would hate to see him cheat on you just like Jared did.”

  “Did you actually see them, you know, doing it?” I swallowed the lump in my throat, wincing as those words spilled from my mouth. It not only tore me up emotionally to say it out loud, but it physically hurt, too.

  I didn’t even really want to know the answer, but it was too late now. Finally tearing my gaze from the shiny balloon, I looked Shane right in the eyes, searching for the answer before he could even tell me.

  “Well, it wasn’t a front row viewing, but I don’t know what else they could’ve been doing,” he said matter-of-factly, staring at me with regret and sorrow. I could tell this was hard for him. Blake was, after all, one of his best friends and he was betraying the so called man code by telling me, but I was so grateful that he had.

  Not able to hold back the tears any longer, a few escaped and rolled silently down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly as I slowly got up off the couch. As appreciative as I was for Shane, I really needed him to leave. I just needed to be alone. He told me he was sorry for being the bearer of bad news and after a long hug and a promise to call him tomorrow, he finally left.

  I spent the next hour crying into my pillow. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. I heard everything Shane had said, but it was almost as if it were a dream.

  My thoughts were all over the place. One minute I was cursing Blake’s name and the next I doubted that anything that Shane had said was true. My heart was telling me there was no way Blake was guilty as charged, but my mind was screaming at me that Blake had never been innocent. After all, he was a man.

  I was too tired to process anything and it wasn’t long before I was fast asleep, dreaming of a perfect world where none of this shit with Blake ever existed.

  I couldn’t wait to get off work and get over to Tess’ place. Having to be on shift today was fucking harder than hell. I was exhausted from sleeping in a crappy hard chair all night and, the moment I walked out of Tess’ room, an eerie feeling consumed me—like a storm was brewing in the distance, waiting to unleash. I had to force myself from turning around and walking right back into her room. I couldn’t find anyone to work the first half of my shift, so I had no choice but to leave her. Really, all I wanted to do was take Tess home and spend the day taking care of her… and finally tell her h
ow much I loved her.

  To top it off, it was the slowest, most agonizing day I’ve had since becoming a firefighter. We didn’t get one damn call all day and I was locked up at the station with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I spent the whole day fighting with myself about what I was going to say to her once I got there. I knew I had a lot of explaining to do and I didn’t know how she was going to react to any of it. I needed to lay it all out on the line, though, no matter what her reaction was.

  I spent the last hour of my shift helping Cam clean the engine. When I finally saw my relief’s truck pull up to the station at five thirty, I grabbed my bag and headed out. I pulled out my phone and tried calling Tess. I wanted to let her know I was on my way and wanted to know what she wanted for dinner, but she didn’t answer. The anxious feeling I had been experiencing all day only intensified. I decided to text her and, when she didn’t reply back, my nervousness only increased.

  After two more unanswered phone calls, I didn’t even care about stopping for food anymore; I drove straight to her apartment. My gut was telling me something was wrong and I couldn’t get to her fast enough. It wasn’t like her to not answer the phone—the damn thing was permanently attached to her. Finally getting to her place, I was stunned when the door swung open violently before I could even knock. A very irritated Tess stood on the other side.

  Even though I could tell she wasn’t very happy to see me, I couldn’t help but notice how cute she looked in her black yoga pants and pink tank top. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and I laughed to myself when she reached for it with her fingers and came up short. She was nervous, but I didn’t know why.

  “Hey, baby girl! Why didn’t you answer your phone? You scared the shit out of me.” I asked¸ taking a step forward to enter the apartment. I didn’t get far before she threw her arm up, blocking the way.

  “I don’t think you should come in,” she said softly as she looked down at the ground.

  Something was wrong. Her voice was distant and she sounded like she was fighting back tears. Her shoulders were slumped and she was shifting from one foot to the other.

  “What? Why?” I questioned her, confused.

  She snapped her head up at me and it was then that I looked into her eyes. They were red and puffy and her makeup was smeared from her wiping them dry. She had definitely been crying. Shit!

  “Tess, what’s wrong?” I asked as I reached for her. She recoiled from me quickly and I knew she was angry with me. When I left her this morning, everything was fine. What could have fucking happened in six hours?

  She stared at me for a moment, her hand on her hip, before she asked, “How’s Kristi doing?”

  Why the hell was she asking about Kristi? How did she even know who she was?

  I was horribly confused, but I answered her anyway. “She’s fine, but what the hell does Kristi have to do with anything? And why are you acting like I did something wrong?” My voice was kind of harsh, but I needed to know what the hell was going on.

  “Because I know what happened at Davis’ party,” she said as she took a step back, wrapping her arms around herself. She looked hurt and vulnerable as she avoided my eyes.

  Why is she so upset about me talking to Kristi? It wasn’t like anything happened that night!

  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks—she thought I fucked her.

  Panic set in as she backed even further away—I was losing her.

  I took a step towards her, “Tess, wait… I didn’t do anything with her. I swear…”

  She held her hand up as she cut me off, “Stop. Just don’t! Shane told me everything.”

  I felt my blood start to boil at the mere mention of his name. I couldn’t help it, every part of me started to shake and I couldn’t think straight as she stared at me like I was the biggest piece of shit.

  “What the fuck did he tell you?” I seethed. Not that I didn’t already know the answer to my own question, but I wanted to see if she would tell me. I was so fucking pissed. That dick was trying so hard to get in her pants that he was now lying straight to her face!

  “You know, it doesn’t even matter what he told me. But he was right. It’s not like we were together—you have every right to do what you want,” she looked at me, an internal war obviously waging behind her eyes, “and you sure as hell don’t owe me an explanation.” She looked so torn. I could tell she didn’t want to believe the lies but, for some reason, she did.

  “I think you should leave,” she said as she started to close the door. I felt her slipping away from me with each passing second. I was scared shitless, but there was no way I was going to lose her without her knowing the truth—whether she believed it or not.

  Throwing my arm up, I stopped her from closing the door. She looked at me in shock as I took a small step towards her. I stared into her big, beautiful, hurt filled eyes and held her gaze.

  “I would never lie to you, Tess, and I’m not leaving until you know exactly what happened that night. Yes, I spent all night in the back of Devin’s truck with Kristi, but I didn’t touch her. It never once crossed my mind to sleep with her because the whole night—all I could think about was you.”

  I inched my way closer to her, reaching for her hands, hoping she wouldn’t pull away.

  “You are the only thing I’ve thought about all month. I can’t get you out of my head,” I admitted, shaking my head. “Whatever Shane thinks he saw, he’s wrong. Can’t you see what he’s trying to do? He’s pulling you away from me. Don’t let him do it, Tess. Please.” I pulled her hands up to my mouth and gently kissed them.

  She stood there staring blankly at me, my heart breaking with each silent second that passed. After what seemed like forever, I brushed the side of her face with the back of my hand, silently begging her to speak one last time. She just stared at the ground, frozen in her own thoughts.

  “Tess, say something,” I whispered fearfully, lifting up her chin so she was looking at me. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. She tried to look away, but I wouldn’t let her. I just stood there, watching her reaction, willing her to say something, anything.

  She said nothing. She didn’t believe me.

  My heart felt like it was slowly being torn out of my chest, ripping fiber by painful fiber. I was going to be sick. She had made up her mind and I wasn’t going to stick around to be rejected or slapped for something I didn’t do. As hard as it was, I gradually released her hands and took a deep breath. I took one final look at my girl’s beautiful face, committing it to memory.

  Then I forced myself to turn and leave—never allowing myself to look back.

  I made my way down her stairs, not fully understanding what had just happened. My mind raced and my stomach heaved. When I reached the bottom I heard her door click shut—my stomach dropped at the sound. The finality of click was too much—the door to her apartment and the door to our relationship was shut. It was over.

  I doubled over, clutching my stomach with one hand and bracing myself against the wall with the other. My life was over and, for once, it wasn’t because of something I had actually done.

  The irony was not lost on me.

  I couldn’t believe she would never know how I really felt about her. I felt like a complete pussy for wimping out and not telling her when I had the fucking chance, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to say it to her under these circumstances; she deserved better than that.

  My breathing picked up as everything sunk in. My body was trembling and all I wanted to do was bash my fucking fist into something or someone. I lost her—my whole world, gone.

  I sat down on the curb, my head in my hands, as I tried to breathe. I was in shock, my reality crumbling down around me. I couldn’t help but think that feeling dead inside was the way I was supposed to live my life.

  Why do I keep walking away from the one person that makes me feel alive?

  Finally, forcing myself up, I got in my truck and drove away from everything I ev
er wanted.

  As I turned onto the main road that led to my house, “Say Something” by A Great Big World filled my truck. I couldn’t believe how a song could make me feel completely and utterly alone. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I repeatedly slammed my fist down on the steering wheel as the lyrics filled my head. I couldn’t believe she just sat there as I walked out of her life.

  I wanted nothing more than to stop by Shane’s house and beat his fucking face in, but decided against it—I needed a drink first. That son of a bitch had no idea what I was capable of when it came to Tess and I knew I would get to him eventually. What fucking hurt the most was that Tess believed that asshole over me. Not that I could blame her—after all the pain I caused her over the past month, I wouldn’t have believed me either

  When I pulled up to my house, rage over took me as I saw Shane’s car parked out front. All I could think about was beating the piss out of him. He was the root of all this shit and soon he was going to feel the same pain I was feeling. I stormed into the house, slamming the door shut behind me. I spotted him instantly. He was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand and an arrogant smile plastered to his fucking face. I didn’t even notice anyone else in the room as I walked towards him slowly.

  With each step I took, his cocky grin changed into sheer panic. I could tell he was scared—and he was right to be. I was going to destroy him.

  “What’s wrong, Blake? Bad day?” Shane said with a sarcastic, nervous chuckle as he cocked his head to the side. He knew exactly what was wrong and his arrogant attitude pissed me off even more.

  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fucking kill you right now?” I growled as my fists balled up tightly at my sides.

  Devin jumped up immediately from his seat as I passed him. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt walking over from the kitchen with a concerned look on his face. Shane stood up slowly and squared his shoulders to me as if he was ready for a fight.