Damaged

by Jody Holford

Noah got up to put the cover on his barbecue. The wind the last few days had blown it off. He looked out at his yard and realized he needed to get things done around the house. The lawn was becoming a small jungle.

  “She’s more than nice. She’s got her reasons for playing it close to the vest,” he replied.

  “I think you loooooooo…”

  “Shut it, brat!” Noah interrupted, shooting her a look that quieted her but didn’t wipe the smile off her face. Maddi came back with two small gift bags. She had wrapped his, and the result was far more stunning than if he’d done it himself.

  He held her chair for her as she sat then leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He wasn’t trying to be calculating but he figured the more she got used to his touch and nearness, the better. Noah had never had to be so cautious with a woman. Being near her drove him nuts most of the time, but moving too fast would only push her away. She didn’t tense and that was a good sign. Looking over at Natalie, he hoped his sister would find someone who would have the same steady patience he hadn’t expected to have with Maddi. Maybe Nat was right. Maybe he was in lo—

  “You made her buy my present for you?” Nat asked, giving him a disgusted, ‘You’re such a guy’ look.

  Maddi laughed, bright and carefree, and the sound just about stopped his heart. Her eyes met his and he was grateful, once again, that she couldn’t read his mind.

  “No. I actually commissioned her to make you something,” he said regally, sitting beside Maddi. She passed the gift he assumed was from him to Nat. Natalie eyed him suspiciously, but wasted no time pulling the small, wrapped box out of the pretty flowered bag. She did take her time unpeeling the tape from the shiny silver wrapping paper. Maddi had put the present in a beautiful wood box with soft carvings etched in the sides.

  “Do you give those with all of your jewelry?” he asked, curious because he knew the price of wood. She shook her head and gave him a small smile. Because that smile made his heart pinch, Noah reached over to squeeze her hand in a quiet gesture of thanks. Their eyes were locked and their fingers were linked. The sound of Nat’s indrawn breath brought their attention back to the birthday girl.

  “This is incredible. It’s beautiful,” she gushed. “You made this? It’s gorgeous. That’s the Celtic symbol for strength!”

  Noah looked at his sister’s happy face, impressed she’d known what it was. She pulled the long chain he’d chosen out of the box and draped it over her neck. The small pendant hung nicely, and Natalie stared down at it.

  “I’m glad you like it,” Maddi said softly. “I, um. This is from me.”

  She’d been watching Nat carefully and Noah figured she didn’t often get to see the joy on someone’s face when they received one of her creations.

  “You didn’t need to get me anything!” Nat told her, already reaching for the bag.

  Noah tightened his grasp on Maddi’s hand. Nestled in a small, plain box, Nat removed a bracelet that looked like it was made of mini braids. It sparkled in the sunlight as Nat turned it over in her hand.

  “Maddi, it’s beautiful. I love it,” she said emphatically. She stood and came over to wrap her arms around Maddi’s neck.

  Maddi looked uncertain about what to do with the display of affection, making Noah wonder, again, what had scarred her enough to shut herself off from even the most basic of things. With her hand still clutching Noah’s, Maddi raised her other hand and patted Nat’s back awkwardly. Letting her go, Natalie threw her arms around Noah’s neck and planted a noisy kiss on his cheek.

  “Thank you. Both. Honestly, they’re both beautiful.”

  She held her wrist out so Maddi could help her clasp the bracelet. Noah and Maddi watched as she twirled the bracelet around her wrist with a large smile on her face

  “It’s a perfect fit,” Maddi said quietly.

  Tears shone in Nat’s eyes when she looked up and nodded. Looking at both of them pointedly, she nodded again. “I was just thinking the same thing.”

  Chapter 10

  “I should go too,” Maddi said. Conflicting emotions had battled each other all evening. She’d never forget the look on Nat’s face opening her presents. Sheer delight. It had been so gratifying to see. It was like she was seven again, giving her mom a picture frame with her own toothless face captured in the middle. Her mom had knelt right down, grasped her by the shoulders, and looked into her eyes.

  “You know why I love this so much, Maddi?” she’d asked. Maddi stood there smiling but unsure. “Because it’s from you and it’s a picture of one of my favorite people in the whole world.” She’d hugged her so tight that Maddi had a moment of concern, but just like that, the moment was over, the picture frame went on the fridge, and Maddi was told to go clean up her toys.

  “You okay?” Noah asked. Walking up behind her, to where she stood looking out at his backyard, he placed his hands on her hips, slid them around so they rested on her belly. Could he feel the butterflies? Maddi focused on what she saw; so different from her view. He was only five minutes or so from stores but the side road and lack of neighbors behind him made his home seem far more private, peaceful, and safe.

  “Yes. I’m fine,” she lied, turning to look at him. He’d gotten some sun today. She could see it on his slightly crooked nose. She wondered if he’d broken it and smiled, imagining that he probably had.

  “You can’t go yet,” he said easily. The patio door was at her back and Noah was in front of her.

  Maddi was, technically, trapped. She waited for the panic to come and was pleased that it didn’t. Of course it didn’t, she thought. She was in control. He leaned in but kept his body a safe distance away, just his hands on her hips. His lips found the soft spot beneath her jaw and made her sigh audibly. Control. Right.

  “Why is that, exactly?” she asked, trying to keep her thoughts straight as his lips traced her collarbone so lightly she could barely feel it. Yet, she could feel it everywhere.

  “Hmm?” he mumbled, making his way to the other side.

  She should stop him but it felt so nice. She tipped her head back slightly. He took small, delicious nips at her jawbone, and her control slipped. Maddi pushed him back slightly, tried to regain her wits. Her senses. But all she wanted to do was feel. Noah made her feel so many things, but for her own sanity, she went back to the conversation.

  “You said I couldn’t leave yet. Why?”

  “We haven’t exchanged names,” he said as though he made perfect sense.

  Her eyebrows scrunched as she tried to figure him out. It occurred to her that she might not ever figure him out. “I didn`t see you drinking but I think maybe you`re drunk. Or just crazy,” she guessed. She moved under his arm and started to walk out of the quaint kitchen. He’d told her he was remodeling, slowly, and then laughed when she said it sounded like fun.

  “Again, not the first time someone has suggested that. But,” he said, grabbing her hand as she reached the living room. He pulled her toward the couch and gave her a gentle shove before falling down beside her.

  “I need to get home.”

  “All right,” he said, ignoring her, “I`ll try one, you say yes or no, then you try one.”

  “This is stupid.”

  “It`s not stupid. It`s practical. We figure out terms of endearment, and then no one feels awkward,” he explained, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

  She leaned back into his soft, cozy couch, tried to ignore his playful, sexy grin and the resulting twirl in her stomach. “This feels pretty awkward.” He laughed, put his arm behind her head, and settled in beside her. How did he do that? Without seeming too pushy, he had her nestled into him, feeling like she could curl up and just listen to the sound of his voice.

  “Dear?”

  “Okay,” she said, sitting up slightly and looking him square in the eye. “I don’t want to do this but if I did, what am I, 90?”

  He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ll do better. Your turn.”

  “Jac
kass,” she offered innocently.

  “Hmm. Has a nice ring to it. Darling?”

  “It’s Denver, not Texas.”

  “Your turn.”

  “Pesky.”

  “Ha-ha. Cute. Sweetheart.”

  It had started out funny but other feelings crowded in. She didn’t want to want this. Even worse, she didn’t want to need this. Want, need, and desperation were all wrapped up together like a blanket. A blanket she didn’t want to be smothered by. They were dating, just dating. Oh my God, she thought suddenly, we’re dating. She bolted upright faster than she meant to and smacked her head into his chin.

  “Ouch! Uh, how about Bruiser?”

  “I’m sorry.” She felt flustered and tried to unwrap herself from his embrace and his couch. Why had she let herself settle in so cozily?

  “Maddi,” he said, his voice gentle but laced with steel.

  Meeting his eyes, she knew he could sense her panic and hated that he knew. Noah could read her, and she didn’t want anyone close enough to read her. “Noah, I need to go. I should go.” He moved himself apart from her on the couch, just a bit. She was still trapped in the corner.

  “Please don’t. I don’t want you to go. Tell me what I can do to help you relax and stay.”

  “This is too much. Why do you want to do this? Call me Maddi. I’ll call you Noah.”

  “Okay. Can you do me a favor?”

  “What?”

  “Stay. If I knew that you would stay, if I didn’t feel like I have to come up with a way to get you to stay, I could relax. You’re not the only one a little nervous here, you know?”

  “What do you have to be nervous about?” she asked him incredulously. He shook his head, and she wondered what he was thinking.

  Jesus. He really was turning into a girl. Coming up with fucking ploys to get her to stay, his pulse was racing at the thought of her leaving. Noah decided to do what he said he would: play it straight.

  “I’m nervous because I’m crazy about you, and I know that you’re always one breath away from telling me to take a hike. You’re here, in my home, and I like you being here, but I know that you want to haul ass out of here. You are so damn sexy, but I know if I kiss you too long or touch you too much, you’ll bolt. All I want to do is be with you, beside you, near you, just breathing the same fucking air as you, and that makes me sound pathetic.” He rambled, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair. Why couldn’t he back off? She’d come for dinner. A family dinner, technically. She’d let him touch her, kiss her casually and hadn’t flinched. Now she was eyeing him like he was bat-shit crazy.

  Then she started to laugh. A full-out, adorable belly laugh with tears at the corners of her eyes. Hell, at least he wasn’t alone in his crazy.

  “I can’t believe you’re nervous and you’re trying to make me pick gooey nicknames to keep me here,” she said, trying to breathe between laughs.

  He couldn’t help but chuckle.

  “Oh, Noah.”

  His laughter died. She was wiping a tear from her eye, and it was like he’d been punched in the stomach. She was so beautiful. It was more than just the jet black hair falling over her shoulders like a soft, sweet blanket of curls. It was more than the high cheekbones and silky smooth skin that he wanted to run his lips over every inch of. It was the way she looked at him with barely restrained desire, but held back. How she asked for nothing but would give anything and didn’t even realize it. Maddi was this gorgeous bundle of contradictions and fears, strength wrapped in softness. But she couldn’t see it and couldn’t fathom others seeing her the way he did.

  “Glad I amuse you,” he said, his voice rough. He worried his heart might actually seize when she laughed again, pushed back at his shoulder, and swung her leg across his lap. He leaned back to accommodate the fact that she was straddling him. He shifted, very aware of their positions. Think about baseball. Cards. Work. Anything but this gorgeous woman on your lap. Noah grasped her hips and looked up at her.

  “You both amuse and confuse me,” she said, looking down.

  Maddi framed his face with her hands and, in a completely unexpected move, kissed him. Pretty hard to keep his interest contained when the woman he wanted like no other brushed her lips across his as her body grazed his lap. Noah kept the kiss light, even though she had the control. He tried not to flex his fingers on her hips or move too suddenly.

  “Maddi,” he whispered hoarsely.

  “Noah,” she replied with that teasing edge to her voice.

  “You’re right. Those names work,” he said. Unable to stop himself, he traced her lips with his tongue, loving the sound of her uneven breathing. His name on her lips.

  “Yes. They do, snuggle bunny,” she said and started to laugh again.

  Noah tickled her and easily flipped her onto her back on the couch. Holding himself above her, so he didn’t make her nervous, he brushed a lock of hair out of her face. Maddi stared up at him with a softness and trust that almost undid him.

  “First, I’m vetoing snuggle-bunny, forever. Second, I’m trying not to push you too fast but I’m falling. Hard.”

  She gave a quick inhale and exhale. “You shouldn’t,” she whispered, running her finger over his lips. He kissed the tip of her index finger.

  “Duly noted,” he answered, leaning down to kiss her gently. “Stay.” She tensed at the word. Cursing himself, he pulled her into a sitting position. He needed to do this right. “I just want you to stay. I want to lay beside you in the dark and talk about nothing. I want to kiss you good night and good morning. I swear, that’s it,” he told her.

  “How can that be all you want?” she asked doubtfully. He shrugged his shoulders.

  “I’m not all that attracted to you,” he said deadpan. It took her a second but, once more, she burst out laughing. Noah was becoming addicted to the sound.

  “Understandable,” she nodded. “So lying beside me all night won’t be an issue at all for you?”

  “Shouldn’t be. Now if you can’t keep your hands to yourself, I’ll have to rethink things. But I can’t see why it should be a problem.”

  “Uh huh. I see,” she said, nodding her head with a smile that he couldn’t quite interpret.

  Noah sat beside her, face serious, and she was surprised he didn’t hear her heart tumble helplessly. She certainly felt it. With his disheveled hair and his slightly tired but bright blue eyes watching her, his ability to fire her up and calm her down was overwhelming. All of it, together, was overwhelming. The worst part was how badly she wanted it. Wanted him.

  Maddi had decided, after he’d left her apartment close to two weeks ago, that she’d take small steps and do only what she could handle. Holding hands, soft kisses that broke off just before they became not so soft. Casual touches. Low-key evenings together. So far, one easy step at a time, it had been okay. Better than okay.

  But this, what he was asking her, was big. She was sliding down a slope she hadn’t known existed. One she’d avoided easily. Staying the night, whether anything happened or not, was taking things to another level. Could she lie beside him all night and sleep? With his body touching hers? Somehow the idea of sleeping next to him, waking up with him, seemed more intimate than if he’d suggested sex. Her pulse kicked into overdrive as questions flooded her mind.

  “What if I say yes and then change my mind?” She could see him keeping his response sedated on purpose.

  “Then I’ll follow you home and make sure you get into your building safely,” he replied.

  Noah had given her every little thing she hadn’t known she wanted so far, asking nothing in return.

  “I’ll need to borrow a shirt. To sleep in,” she said, looking down at her painted toenails.

  “I have shirts,” he answered.

  His voice was thick. Maddi looked back up into his gorgeous smiling face. The man had a great smile. “Do you snore?”

  “Never. It’s okay if you do.”

  “I don’t.”

&nbs
p; “You know this how?” he asked, arching an eyebrow. She frowned.

  “I’ve never slept with a man,” she stated matter-of-factly. He looked like he swallowed his tongue, and she realized how that sounded.

  “No. I mean,” she stammered. Heat rose up the back of her neck. Trying to fix it, but only making it worse, she added, “I’ve … well, I’ve, you know. A few times. But never actually gone to sleep beside a man, other than my…”

  Noah winced and held up one hand. “I’m going to skip over the ‘few times’ for now and ask you to finish the sentence,” he said softly. His other hand covered hers on her leg.

  No. Maddi might be able to share her body, her heart even. But she couldn’t share her past. Sharing it would be like living it again, and it would make all of this pointless. He wouldn’t want her once he knew.

  “Your … husband?”

  “What? No!” she said, truly surprised. “My brother. I’ve never been married. I don’t want to talk about this. If you want me to stay, I need a shirt.” That was all she would say. It would have to be enough.

  He regarded her a minute longer and then nodded his head. Rising, he held his hand out for hers. Maddi hesitated only a moment then placed her hand in his. Noah pulled her close when she stood and ran his hands through her hair, letting it fall through his fingers as he watched. Then he turned and led the way out of the room, holding her hand, pulling her behind him as he turned off lights and checked the doors.

  The bedroom window was open and the air was cool. Noah liked it that way, but he wondered if she did. He turned to ask her and saw the look of stark fear on her face. His heart dropped to his stomach. “Maddi. You can change your mind. It’s okay.”

  She shook her head and took a deep breath. Then another. And one more. “I want to stay. I want to lay in the dark with you and talk about nothing.”

  The words made him smile. Releasing her hand, he went to get her his favorite, worn Broncos shirt. It was soft and thin, which he probably shouldn’t think too much about if he was going to be crawling in beside her.