Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “Do I have to go to court?”

  “You’ll need to go for the hearing,” Maddi said quietly from the counter. She’d stacked all the dishes almost soundlessly.

  Noah gestured to the counter. “You don’t have to do that, honey.”

  “I don’t mind. Depending on the terms of the order, a police officer will likely go by and speak to Lyle about violating it or they’ll bring him in.”

  Maddi picked up a dish towel and spread it out. He almost told her not to again, but he couldn’t help enjoy watching her move around his home without over thinking it, like she could belong there. He already knew she did, but he figured it’d be a while until she did.

  “I’m such an idiot,” Natalie said, her voice breaking. She rose from the table when Noah tried to cover her hand, grabbed the last few items for the fridge. Deciding it was easier to join in rather than try to keep either of them still, he grabbed a cloth to wipe down the table.

  “You’re not an idiot at all, Natalie. This isn’t your fault. You know that. You’re seeing a counselor right?” Maddi asked gently.

  Noah held back, prolonging the cleaning of the table. Nat moved beside Maddi and opened the dishwasher.

  “Yes. Ryan’s mom. She’s nice.”

  “Has she made any suggestions for when you’re feeling down on yourself?”

  Nat looked over at Noah then down at the dishwasher as she began to load it. Noah pushed the chairs in, put Maddi’s computer back on the table.

  “She says to make a list of positive feelings,” Nat said so quietly Noah could hardly hear.

  “Have you done that?”

  “Yes. To some extent. I want to stop feeling like this.”

  “Then stop taking the blame.”

  Natalie smiled at Maddi and nodded her head. He could probably heed the same advice.

  “You’re right. It’s not my fault. I hate that any of this has happened. But it’s not my fault,” Natalie said. Wonder and surprise filled her tone.

  Noah couldn’t stop his full-out grin, but he did try to keep himself busy at Maddi’s computer while the two worked through the dishes and chatted quietly. It was nice to see Nat open up to another woman, to Maddi. It was a good thing to have both of the women he cared about comfortable with each other. Especially when sometimes he was sure Nat needed to get more off her chest than she wanted to with him.

  Noah checked out the Seamless website, specifically Maddi’s line: Invincible. It was both stunning and perfect. It captured what he saw in her but she couldn’t see in herself. The name described how she looked the few times he’d peeked in while she’d been working, weaving wire, attaching beads, shaping bracelets, and designing. He wondered again how the visit had gone. She’d been nervous, but he took it as a good sign that she’d gone and dropped some of her pieces off there—a sign she was staying or thinking about it. Natalie came over and hugged him from behind. He put his hand on her arm and looked up at her.

  “You crashing already?”

  “Yeah. I’ll give you some time with your girl. She’s a keeper,” she said the last part close to his ear, making him smile.

  “I agree. Love you, kid.”

  “Me too.”

  “You make it easy for Nat to open up to you,” Noah said as she leaned into him on the couch. He was flipping through channels when she’d come back from changing for bed.

  “I hope so. She reminds me of my mom, but stronger. In a good way,” she said, looking to see that he understood she hadn’t meant it negatively.

  Noah kissed her gently, pulled her closer into the crook of his arm. He took his time … he never seemed to be in a rush or frenzy, even when they were driving each other crazy. Always able to both hide and reveal his feelings at the same time, like an emotional magician.

  “It’s knocked her self-esteem pretty bad, but I think she’s going to be okay. Maybe even stronger,” Noah said a few moments later.

  Maddi moved off the couch, pushed her hair back out of her face. The living room was small but comfortably cozy. She liked the faint smell of lemony cleaner and could imagine him tidying up now and again. Doing whatever needed to be done. Standing in front of the gas fireplace that was on low, she let it warm her bare legs. When she turned, Noah watched her, carefully, waiting. He’d turned the TV off and was staring at her legs.

  “Eyes up, mister.”

  “Hmm. The view is good there too.”

  He murmured quietly, smiling at her, warming her inside as the fire did outside.

  “They don’t tell a thirteen-year-old much, but when I went back to school, to finish eighth grade, a girl I knew, her sister dated Jason on and off, told me that Jason had gotten into drugs. He was sleeping on people’s couches, picking up jobs here and there, losing them. I ignored all of that. I didn’t really care because I still thought he’d be back. On my third move, my social worker told me she hoped the home she was taking me to would be permanent. That Jason wouldn’t, couldn’t, come back for me.”

  “Not to let him off the hook, but I’m sure, drugs aside, he was pretty wrecked from everything that happened too.”

  Noah heard the caution in his voice as he shared his thoughts. His lips were pursed, and she imagined it was a hell of a thing to hear—everything she’d told him. She thought she’d wrapped her head around it completely and moved on. But every little piece she revealed to Noah made her have to reassess what she thought she’d understood. On top of everything he was watching Natalie go through, it was a lot to dump on him. Still, Maddi knew him well enough by now to know that he was with her because he wanted to be, regardless of what else was going on.

  “I’m sure he was. I think, for him, there was a guilt that I didn’t have to face. Jason always thought he could protect our mom, that it was his job.”

  “It’s not a child’s job to protect their parent. It’s meant to go the other way,” he said firmly, his voice a razor sharp edge.

  Maddi was starting to feel too warm but didn’t want to sit. She moved to the wide, graying-wood bookshelf next to the fireplace and picked up one of the James Patterson novels, holding it up.

  “I like him too.”

  Noah nodded. “He’s good. Fast paced. Keep going, baby.”

  Maddi placed the book back, ran her fingers along the spines of the others. He had a few pictures: Natalie at graduation, a family shot. His father was attractive, tall like Noah but he didn’t have the gentleness in his stance or expression that Noah did. His mother was tiny like Natalie. While her body and features were small, her smile was bright and powerful and reached all the way to the blue eyes she’d shared with Noah.

  “When you grow up like that, you feel like, maybe, it’s your job to protect each other. Jason took that role seriously, so I never doubted him when he said he’d return. But that was a lifetime ago, and I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know if he’s got my father’s temper or my mother’s self-contempt. I don’t know why he’s here now or if he’s violent or depressed or angry. He could be any, or all, of those things, Noah. He’s been all of these things in the past, and I don’t know who he is now.”

  It had been easier to say it all, to voice her concern, when she wasn’t looking at him. She turned when she finished speaking, stood in front of him where he still sat on the sofa. Noah looked up, ran his hand up and down her thigh with a furrowed brow and concern etched all over his handsome face. The heat from his fingertips spread up her legs.

  “What if he’s none of that? You’re not,” Noah said, holding her gaze.

  Maddi’s heart pinched at the earnestness in his voice. “Noah, don’t you see?” She grasped his face with her hands, cupping it between her palms. “It’s likely that I’m all of that and possibly more. Why do you think I’ve avoided any sort of emotional connection for the last ten years?”

  He took her wrists and yanked her down so she ended up on his lap. His blue eyes flickered with irritation.

  “Have we had a fight? More than one?” he asked in a r
igid voice.

  “Yes. It’s hard not to fight with you. You can be quite difficult.”

  “You’re real funny.” He glared teasingly, tickling her waist. “You haven’t hit me, thrown anything at me, not even careless, angry words. You haven’t manipulated me emotionally. You’re scared but you’re not incapable of a normal relationship.”

  Noah believed so much in her, and she didn’t know what to do with that. For the moment, she settled on wrapping her arms around him and snuggling her face into the crook of his neck where he was warm and smelled deliciously of Noah. He ran his hands up and down her back, soothing and inciting. She didn’t want to be in the past anymore. She didn’t want tomorrow either, with Nat’s worries piled on top of hers, restraining orders, and unwanted visitors. Maddi wanted right this minute. It’s all she’d ever wanted but it meant more now. With him. Kissing his neck, nipping lightly with her teeth, soothing with her lips, he inhaled sharply as his hands tightened on her waist.

  “Maybe I’m only capable of this with you,” she whispered, her heart hammering at the thought, at her need for him.

  “That’s good, since I’m damn sure not letting you try with anyone else.” He growled, moving his hands down to her thighs, pushing the hem of his own T- shirt up her legs slowly.

  “Possessive,” she noted. His hands stilled, and he leaned back, looked at her solemnly.

  “To some degree, yes. Same as I’d hope you would be with me. I don’t want anyone but you, Maddi. And I’d sure as hell fight to keep you. But it’s a choice, for both of us,” he said. He pushed her hair, which was falling down in his face, back behind her ear.

  “All those things they felt for each other, we feel them too. It feels strange. Kind of confusing, to understand that a little,” she whispered.

  “But we’re different. You get that, right?”

  Maddi nodded but her head and heart battled. Her head seeing the difference, but her heart feeling so attached she couldn’t separate the past and present.

  “I do. And you’re nothing like him. I’m sorry.”

  “Hey.” He lifted her chin when she cast her eyes downward. “Don’t apologize. You’re amazing. You are the strongest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I’m in awe of you, Maddi. You’re not your parents and given what you grew up with, that’s fucking amazing. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay for it to be scary. It is for me. Loving you the way I do scares the hell out of me. But it also makes me feel alive.”

  “Alive is good,” she said, wanting to lighten the mood. She went back to kissing him, pushing away thoughts of anything but him. Running her hands through his hair, she whispered, “I bet I can make you feel even more alive.”

  Noah stood, carrying her to his room, once again in complete agreement with her thoughts.

  Chapter 20

  The phone call at six thirty a.m. woke all of them, but Noah was the only one who had to get out of bed. Maddi could hear his foreman apologizing profusely through the phone but insisting that Noah had to get to the jobsite. A safety inspector was due before eight, and his foreman’s wife had gone into labor. As far as excuses went, it was pretty solid. Once the safety inspector went through the site, Noah could meet up with the girls. He’d been more than a little reluctant to leave her and Nat, but she promised him that they would be fine. She could take Nat to the courthouse.

  She hoped doing so would take her mind off her own troubles. Maddi couldn’t think of when she had last made time in her day to do something for someone else. It was one of those nuances that families and friends shared: stop at the store for me, drive me to the mall, run some errands with me. She hadn’t done anything for anyone, other than making jewelry, for over a decade. It felt equal parts scary and fulfilling to do this for Natalie and Noah. Maddi drank the last sip of her coffee and scrolled through the emails she had for new orders.

  “I’m ready,” Nat said, startling Maddi.

  “Oh … okay,” Maddi replied. With her hand to her chest, she took a deep breath then closed her laptop. Gratefully, her cup had been empty. She took it to the sink as Natalie stepped all the way into the kitchen. Natalie was dressed in a pair of dark slacks and a soft blue blouse that accentuated her eyes. And wore an uncertain smile.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Maddi shrugged, smiled at her as she picked up her purse and touched Nat’s shoulder gently.

  “Don’t worry about it. I guess I’m just a bit jumpy too.”

  Maddi used the key Noah had put on her key ring this morning to lock up. Such a simple gesture, but it meant something. Just for the day, he’d said, to make it easier. She knew Nat had one, but he’d been insistent. Maddi knew the minute he put the keys in her hand that it meant more but, as usual, Noah was leaving the choice up to her. Getting in the driver’s side, Maddi focused on getting out of the driveway, appreciating the lack of traffic. Nat fiddled with the radio stations while Maddi drove then switched it off abruptly.

  “Are you worried your brother will hurt you? I overheard pieces of conversation with you and Noah.”

  Maddi glanced over at Nat. Her voice was tentative but her shoulders were straight and her gaze met Maddi’s. It was nice to see that bit of backbone.

  “I really don’t know. I’d like to think no. But I really can’t be sure. I don’t want you to worry about it, though.”

  After looking over her shoulder, Maddi switched lanes. It was nearing ten a.m., but traffic was still heavy once they made their way out of Noah’s quiet, residential neighborhood.

  “It’s interesting when people say that, don’t you think?” Nat mused.

  “What?” The driver behind her was far too close. She applied the break gently, hopefully enough to give him a hint.

  “I don’t want you to worry. Like people think they can control what you worry about. As though saying, ‘Don’t worry’ actually stops someone from doing it.”

  Maddi switched lanes abruptly, earning a long horn honk, but she didn’t like being closed in between the cars. She threw her signal on and figured she’d take a longer route with less traffic. Maddi was comfortable behind the wheel. Moving around, she’d always made sure to spend some time driving in the towns she chose. Regardless, idiot drivers could unnerve anyone, and her nerves were already thin today.

  “I didn’t mean it disrespectfully, Nat. Only that I’d do my best to keep my problems from becoming yours. You have enough going on.”

  “I think I could say the same thing to you. Yet, here you are driving me to get a restraining order. My problems are becoming yours. Because you’re with my brother.”

  Maddi couldn’t deny that her involvement with Noah played a heavy part in her relationship with Nat but she wondered, for a brief moment, if Nat would have brought the longing for friendship out of her on her own. Having a friend was nice and something she hadn’t realized was missing. Maddi didn’t see herself opening up completely with Nat, not anytime soon, but it was nice to have a female perspective.

  Maddi was cut off abruptly by the car she’d just tried to distance herself from, and her heart picked up a quicker rhythm when she noted the color: blue, like the one that had been sitting outside her building. Nat seemed oblivious to Maddi’s quicker breathing and continuous mirror checking. She stared out the window, her fingers drawing tiny circles on her legs absently.

  Maddi gripped the steering wheel, tried to focus. “I … care about you. I want to help. And, I suppose, deep down, I’m really not sure if my brother is a threat. Not in the way Lyle is to you, anyway. My story is different from yours.” She used the conversation to get her breathing under control. Jason has no reason to hurt Natalie or Noah.

  “You okay?” Natalie asked, finally looking at Maddi again, while she reached to turn the radio back on.

  “Sure. I’m just surprised by all the traffic.” Maddi fibbed. If Natalie hadn’t noticed, there was no need for both of them to be edgy.

  “You know that my brother is head-in-the-sky, over the moon
about you, right?”

  “Yes,” Maddi said and chuckled. She let the laugh relax her when she noticed the car was no longer in her sights. “He’s not great at hiding his feelings. I’m betting I could beat him at poker.”

  “Hmm, yes. He’s always been a heart-on-his-sleeve, no-holds-barred kind of guy. You love him back?”

  “I do,” Maddi admitted quietly and felt the truth of it run all the way through her. She had a fleeting thought of the key on her chain and didn’t think it’d be coming off. Instead of causing panic, the thought brought a smile. “I really do.”

  Though the tailgating car seemed to have faded into the traffic, Maddi’s eyes scanned continuously. Wanting to believe it was a coincidence, she ignored the nerves brewing inside of her and got them to the courthouse. Without incident. That was all that mattered. While Nat went to speak to the police officer that had arrested Lyle originally, Maddi waited in the stale smelling but brightly lit lobby. People milled about, checking signs for directions, waiting for elevators, chatting with lawyers or court personnel. All these people thought their lives were going to be made better or worse by what happened in this building today, but Maddi knew it was what happened outside the courtrooms that really changed your life, changed you. She sat in a straight-back, plastic chair, wishing she could swallow down the edginess that started in the car. Her phone rang in her purse.

  “Hey,” she said quietly to Noah.

  “Hey. Is everything going okay?” he asked over loud buzzing sounds.

  “Yup. We’re here. I offered to go in with her to speak to the officer, but she wanted to do it alone. I’m waiting in the lobby.”

  “I’m hoping to finish up here soon, and I thought I could grab some lunch for all of us before I head back to my office.”

  “Okay. I’ll let Nat know. Do you want to meet us at the apartment?”

  “Sure. Thanks for taking her,” he said softly, so softly she almost didn’t hear him. She put her finger up to one ear and pushed the phone closer to the other.