Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  “This is Jinx,” E. J. said quickly to save Taylor any real embarrassment.

  Taylor snapped her mouth shut.

  “Jinx, this is Taylor and Gwen.” E. J. pointed to them respectively.

  Gwen gave a surprised, “Oh!” She glanced at E. J., then back to Jinx. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

  Taylor glared at E. J. before turning to smile at Jinx. “Uh, yeah,” she said, managing only a partial recovery. “It’s great to meet the woman who could—”

  “And this is Pete.” E. J. cut Taylor off, knowing whatever was about to come out of her mouth was revenge.

  Gwen and Taylor oooed and aaahed over Pete a sufficient amount, then gave birthday wishes and hugs to E. J. There were the expected inquiries into how long Jinx was staying and what their plans were for the rest of the weekend.

  “We haven’t actually planned anything specific,” E. J. said, wishing her friends could spend a little more time with Jinx. She wondered if Jinx would mind.

  “Maybe you two could join us for dinner tonight,” Jinx said, as though reading her thoughts. “We could all celebrate E. J.’s birthday?” She glanced at E. J.

  “That would be perfect,” E. J. said, taking Jinx’s hand. “Are you guys free?”

  “We were just going to spend the rest of the weekend cleaning Gwen’s carpets, rearranging furniture, and generally clearing out the ex’s bad joojoo. Oh, and more jogging, I’m sure,” Taylor said with a grimace. “But celebrating your birthday sounds like a lot more fun.”

  “We’ll be able to do it all.” Gwen smiled. “We’ll just take a break for dinner. Then maybe Gunther’s?”

  “Sounds wonderful,” E. J. said.

  “How about six?” Gwen said, continuing in admin assist mode. “We’ll pick you two up.”

  As the pair started off down the path, Gwen spouting support and encouragement and Taylor groaning, Jinx smiled. “They seem nice.”

  E. J. watched her friends, and her heart warmed. “They’re my Reggie and Sparkle,” she said. “I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

  Jinx put an arm around her and pulled her close. “It’s important to have people you can count on.”

  E. J. nodded. She kept her attention on Taylor and Gwen as they disappeared around a bend. She thought of Jacob and Mandy, and now Tiffany, and what Jinx had said about letting them in, letting them love her. She thought of Reggie and Sparkle and what even Andrea had once been to Jinx. She thought of Val and wondered. She hesitated. “Was Val someone you could count on?”

  Jinx’s expression went distant as she stared out over the water. “Yes.”

  “Will you tell me about her?”

  Jinx led her to a bench near the riverbank, and they sat, Pete on the grass at their feet. Jinx leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, and was silent for a while, seemingly collecting her thoughts.

  E. J. waited. She could tell from Jinx’s faraway look this was important to her—Val had been important to her.

  “In order to understand my relationship with Val,” Jinx said finally, “you have to know who I was when I met her.” She toed the dirt at her feet. “I was a junkie, E. J. And not the clean, white-collar, functional kind. On the streets, I was strung out on heroin. Then when I was shot during the robbery and waiting for trial, I was in the infirmary and got addicted to pain pills. When I finally got sentenced and went to prison, I’d pretty much take anything. But once I was on the inside, it got harder. On the outside, I could steal to get drugs. And I did. I stole from people, from stores. I robbed. I did whatever I had to do. On the inside, there were only other cons, most of them way tougher than I was. And there’s a much higher price on drugs in prison.”

  “I didn’t know you could get drugs in prison,” E. J. said. “I mean, I’ve seen it on TV and in movies, but I thought that was just Hollywood.”

  “No. You can get almost anything you want in prison if you can, and are willing to, pay the price.” Jinx paused, searching E. J.’s face. “Do you remember what I said to Pablo about not having anyone on the outside to put money on your books or send you things?”

  E. J. nodded.

  “That’s all true. You can get anything you want, but you need to be able to pay for it. If you have people on the outside and money coming in, you’re okay. Money on your books can be converted to commissary items, which can be traded. Stamps and cigarettes have high trade value, too. But if you don’t have that, all you have are your wits, your skills, or your body. And when I first went in, I had a barely-contained addiction that took about two free fixes to get raging again and no way to pay for it. So, I started turning tricks. I’d done it on the outside, so it wasn’t new. I’d let anybody use me for a hit.” Jinx held E. J.’s gaze as if gauging her reaction.

  E. J. made a point of not having one. In truth, her only reaction was anger—at Nora Tanner, at Andrea, even at Jinx’s father, for not making arrangements for her in the event of his death—but she knew any reaction at all might be read as judgment or aversion, and she wouldn’t risk that. She had hurt Jinx too much already. This time, she would listen, and she would be with her, as Sparkle had said.

  Jinx looked down at her hands. “I lost track of what I did or who I was with or what they did to me. After a while, a few of the members of Val’s gang decided they wanted me for themselves. They didn’t want to share anymore.” Jinx shrugged.

  E. J. swallowed.

  “So, it got a little easier, in a way. At least then, I didn’t have to be with so many. But one of them was Val, and she was tough.” Jinx’s color had gone gray at some point and now edged on white.

  E. J. stroked her forearm. “Sweetie, if this is too painful—”

  “No, I want to tell you. The hardest part’s almost over.” Jinx took E. J.’s hand between her own. “Then Val decided I was hers.” She stared out across the river, but she was clearly seeing into the past. “You know all the jokes about being someone’s bitch in prison?”

  E. J. knew she didn’t need to answer.

  “They’re not jokes,” Jinx said, her tone hollow, as though she had gone somewhere else. “You do whatever you’re told, exactly when and how you’re told to do it. And that’s what I was. I was Val’s bitch. I took care of her every need. She did whatever she wanted to me. But you know what? It was worth it, because for the first time in a lot of years, I was safe.” Jinx’s voice quavered. “She took care of me. No one else could do anything to me. I didn’t have to worry about not having any money or special packages coming in. And she didn’t tolerate drugs in her gang, so she got me clean.” Jinx turned back to E. J. “And I stayed clean. Even after Val was gone.” Jinx sat, silent in the warmth of the afternoon. “That’s the gift she gave me,” she said finally. “At least, one of them.”

  E. J. searched for something to say. “There were others?”

  “Mm-hm.” Jinx shifted, resting against the back of the bench. “Nobody could mess with me as long as I belonged to her. Even the guards gave her—us—a wide berth. She had a lot of clout, a lot of influence, in the general population and among the other gang leaders, whether through respect or fear. She could help keep things under control. In return, she got favors from the staff. Even the warden. She could make things happen. People she didn’t like got transferred. People she did like, who did things for her, got what they wanted. She got pretty much anything she wanted. She even got us assigned as cell mates for a lot of the time we were together.”

  “How long was that?”

  “Almost ten years.

  Ten years? E. J. was stunned. She’d had no idea Jinx had been in a relationship that long, with anyone.

  “She saved my life, E. J.” Jinx searched her face. For acceptance? For rejection? “There were times I didn’t care about that, but, now, I do. Now, I’m grateful to her.”

  “Did you love her?” E. J. asked.

  “Yes. In a way a lot of people wouldn’t understand, maybe. But, yes.”

  “Is she the one who was k
illed in that turf war?” E. J. asked hesitantly.

  “One of them. There were three, but Val was the main target. They took her out first.”

  E. J. took a steadying breath. She had no concept of anything like that. She had to move forward. “What did you do when she…when she died?”

  Another long pause as one more chapter of Jinx’s past seemed to play out before her. “I almost died, too,” she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper. She cleared her throat. “That’s when I got stabbed. It was bad. They had to remove a kidney. There were complications. The recovery was long, and I almost gave up a few times. Looking back now, I think it was because I didn’t think I could make it without her—literally. I missed her, but more than that, I didn’t know who was going to protect me. They kept me in solitary for the last part of my recovery, and while I was there, I decided I didn’t want to be someone’s bitch again. I decided I’d rather die. And I really thought I would.”

  E. J. tensed. Anxiety and fear rose into her throat, the same that had overtaken her the first time she had heard about Jinx almost dying. That’s the past. She’s here, now. With me. She squeezed Jinx’s hand. “What happened?”

  Jinx inhaled deeply. “When I was put back in general, the new leader of our gang wanted me. When I told her no, I really expected to be taken out. And I was ready. But nothing happened. She told me later she’d honored what I’d said out of respect for my and Val’s relationship. She and the rest of the gang kept an eye on me but gave me my distance. That’s when I started working as a tutor and teacher for other inmates and got to know Trisha better…Sparkle’s sister?” Jinx glanced at E. J. questioningly.

  E. J. nodded, letting Jinx know she was following.

  “Then I met Sparkle and Reggie, who started sending me money and things that made life easier, and from there, everything just sort of turned around. Reggie even helped me bring the service dog training program into the prison, and that’s when I found out how much I love dogs. I’d never had one before.” Jinx leaned down and rubbed the underside of Pete’s chin.

  He looked up at her and wagged his tail.

  E. J. didn’t know what to say, wasn’t even sure what to think or feel. She didn’t want to feel sorry for Jinx, because Jinx didn’t need that. Yes, going into her past for Pablo had brought up emotions for her, but as she herself had said several times, she was a different person today. As E. J. watched her with Pete, Jinx already had the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She didn’t need anyone’s pity. She had come through it all and was standing tall and strong on the foundation of her past.

  “With all that said—and now that we’re not naked—I can answer your question from last night,” Jinx said.

  And just that easily, they returned to the present.

  Jinx eased back and took E. J.’s hand again. “I have the control I have during sex because with Val, it was required. I was ordered to hold back for long periods of time, to put her first. I guess I was trained.” Her cheeks pinkened. “With you, though…” She met and held E. J.’s gaze. “I like doing it. I want to focus entirely on your pleasure. On, hopefully, taking you places you’ve never been.” She brought E. J.’s fingers to her lips.

  “You’ve definitely done that.” E. J. enjoyed the soft play of flesh.

  “I like waiting while I bring you down slowly and holding you afterward.” Jinx kissed E. J.’s fingertips, then sucked one into her mouth.

  E. J.’s pulse quickened, turning to a throb of desire between her thighs.

  “And I love prolonging the feeling of wanting you.” She ran the tip of her tongue between E. J.’s fingers, then to another tip. “Of needing you.”

  E. J.’s breath caught, and she closed her eyes.

  “It’s quite a while before six o’clock,” Jinx whispered. “Is there anything else you want to do, or can I take you home and do what I like doing?”

  E. J. moaned quietly.

  *

  At five fifteen, Jinx stepped from the shower and into a towel E. J. held for her. The afternoon had been long, luxurious, and decadent in its offerings. They’d picked up salads and bread sticks from a deli on the way back to E. J.’s, had a picnic on the living room balcony, spent the next few hours in bed, at the piano, on the couch, back in bed, and finally under a stream of soothing hot water.

  Jinx couldn’t remember a time in her life when she’d felt as free as she had for the past few weeks with E. J. Well, she could, but she had to go back a long way, back to those days with Andi in the gardens, in the tree house. As she had back then, she was beginning to think anything was possible, any dream might very well come true. That time had ended, though, had shattered for reasons Jinx had never figured out. Andi had simply turned away from her, left her behind. Would E. J. do the same?

  Jinx looked into E. J.’s face, so open, her eyes so inviting. Her embrace felt so right, so safe. Could Jinx trust it? Or would E. J. leave, too? If she did, at least with her, Jinx would know why. Her kids still didn’t know anything about their mother’s new relationship, who it was with, or what it was. E. J. had said she couldn’t leave Jinx, and she’d taken a stand with herself to prove it where Tiffany was concerned, but Tiffany wasn’t one of her kids.

  Jinx pushed the niggling doubt from her mind. There wasn’t anything she could do about it, and she didn’t want this weekend ruined. If their time together could possibly be cut short, she wanted to enjoy every second of it. She’d never believed, since that very first night, she could have E. J. forever, and even though her heart kept trying to convince her otherwise, she’d been able to remind herself of it when necessary. This weekend, however, could change that. Being here in E. J.’s world, seeing where she lived, meeting her friends, spending time in places E. J. enjoyed, all of those things made Jinx want to know more, want to know everything about her. And she realized there were still a lot of basic things she didn’t know. She took the towel and began drying herself. She hadn’t known until that day it was E. J.’s birthday. So, that made her a…

  “You’re a Leo?” Jinx asked as if the conversation in her head had actually been taking place between them.

  “What?” E. J. spread the lotion she’d squirted into her hand between her palms, then up her arms to her shoulders.

  “Today’s your birthday. Doesn’t that make your astrological sign Leo?” Jinx grabbed her underwear from the pile of clean clothes on the counter and stepped into them.

  “Oh. Yes, it does.” E. J. smiled at her in the mirror. “I’m glad that wasn’t your pickup line in the bar that night. It’s a little outdated.”

  “My pickup line? I didn’t pick you up. You picked me up,” Jinx said, pulling on her black jeans.

  E. J.’s smile widened. “I distinctly remember you picking me up. You couldn’t keep your eyes off me.” Her tone was playful.

  “Yup, definitely a Leo,” Jinx said. “Egotistical.” But E. J. was right. She hadn’t been able to keep her eyes off her.

  E. J. laughed. “Leo is the sign of the Sun. Everything does revolve around us.” She began applying mascara. “When’s your birthday?”

  Jinx chuckled. “I’ll tell you the day of.”

  “You’ll get a better present if I know ahead of time,” E. J. said teasingly.

  “You didn’t tell me ahead of time, and you still got a good present.” Jinx slipped into her shirt and started buttoning it.

  “Okay,” E. J. said, sounding self-satisfied. “I’ll just ask Sparkle. She’ll tell me.” She dropped her makeup case into a drawer and turned to Jinx. She ran her hands lightly over Jinx’s breasts.

  Jinx’s nipples hardened. She pressed against E. J.’s palms. “Your friends are coming.”

  “And I’ll bet she’d also tell me some of those embarrassing things only best friends know, like which middle-of-the-night infomercials you’ve been sucked into and your most humiliating bathroom story.”

  “Oooh, you play hardball.”

  E. J. giggled. “You kno
w it, baby.”

  The doorbell rang.

  “Uh-oh.” E. J. jumped back. “They’re early. Will you please let them in? I’ll be right there.”

  Jinx finished buttoning her shirt and tucked in the tail, but E. J.’s last comment lingered. She remembered the Rejuvenation Barre she’d ordered late one night when she was living with Reggie and Sparkle. She hadn’t been able to afford her bike yet, and wanted a way to exercise. It’d been available for the amazingly low introductory price of $14.95—she’d missed the ten additional monthly payments of $39.95—and promised to be the secret to a toned, fit, and beautiful body. She remembered thinking that because it was spelled b-a-r-r-e, not just b-a-r, it must be good. What had she known? She’d been out of prison for about three weeks, and it’d been three thirty in the morning. If E. J. was going to hear that story, though, Jinx wanted it to be from her. She didn’t want her talking to Sparkle.

  “May seventh,” she said hurriedly as she zipped her jeans. “My birthday’s May seventh. But thanks for the ideas of what best friends can tell.” She headed out of the room.

  “Gwen’s my administrative assistant,” E. J. called after her. “She’s used to keeping things confidential. And Taylor has way too many things she’s not going to want her next girlfriend to know to tell you anything.” There was a hint of panic in her voice.

  Jinx chuckled, then came back to the word girlfriend. Is that what she was? E. J.’s girlfriend? Is that how E. J. thought of her? The question made her grin.

  The bell rang again.

  Jinx turned the knob.

  Before the door was completely open, a chorus of “Happy Birthday” began.

  The next second, Jinx found herself staring into the smiling faces of two young couples—Tiffany and Jacob, and, she assumed, Mandy and Russ.

  Jinx froze.

  The quartet silenced, shocked expressions all around.

  Pete jumped off the couch and ran to Tiffany. They’d become good friends during her and Jinx’s visits. He whined excitedly and wiggled around her feet.

  “We’re sorry,” Mandy said. “We’re looking for our mother, E. J.?”