'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  Jess dug in, filled a bowl to the brim and smothered the trifle with cream. ‘Mm,’ she rolled her eyes in ecstasy.

  ‘It’s good to see a young girl tucking into her food and not worrying about her figure,’ Jon’s grandma said. ‘Do you see much of Cathy, Jon?’

  ‘I haven’t seen her since Nick’s memorial service,’ he replied. ‘I should visit more often, but I never seem to have time. You saw her though, Gran, when you were at Sally’s.’

  His grandma looked puzzled. ‘No, dear, I didn’t.’

  ‘That’s odd. Sally asked me for her number. Said you wanted to see Cathy before you went home.’

  ‘Did she? Well she never mentioned it to me. I’ll ask her about it next time we speak. Anyway, let’s clear the table and then we’ll have a little stroll on the promenade.’

  Jon stood up and collected the dishes. ‘Oh, by the way, Gran. We’ll have to leave tomorrow, I’m sorry, it’s earlier than we planned, but I’ve been called back to work to help with the stock-take.’

  ‘Oh well, never mind. You can always come again,’ his grandma said. She shuffled out of the room as Jon squeezed Jess’s hand.

  ***

  By lunchtime the following day, Jon and Jess had checked into a hotel in Northamptonshire as Mr and Mrs Mellor and were lying naked in one another’s arms.

  ‘This is bliss.’ He kissed her. ‘We’d better make the most of the next few hours. They have to last for ages. Well, until Mum and Dad go out at the weekend.’

  Jess smiled. ‘Let’s have room service tonight and picnic in bed.’

  ‘Sounds good to me. We can look through Angie’s box, too.’ Jon glanced across the room to where the box, covered in pink and blue floral wallpaper and bearing a white label - This Box Belongs to Angie Turner. PRIVATE, KEEP OUT – stood. ‘Right, Jess Mellor, I’m gonna make love to you like you’ve never had it before,’ he said, crushing her to him.

  ***

  ‘Poor old Ted, all battered and worn.’ Jon held a balding, one-eyed teddy bear in his hands. He and Jess were sitting in bed surrounded by half the contents of Angie’s box. He reached in, pulled out a scrapbook and opened it. Pasted inside were newspaper cuttings of Buddy Holly’s plane crash and on the next page a report of Eddie Cochran’s death. There was also a poster advertising a local gig at a Pickford club with The Raiders - top of the bill.

  Several records were neatly stacked to one side, still in their original sleeves. ‘Wow! Look at these. Buddy Holly, Elvis, The Everly Brothers, all in mint condition. These are worth a few bob now,’ Jon enthused.

  A large brown envelope held swimming certificates and school reports, each declaring that Angie had been a bright pupil. There was a lock of brown hair, fastened up with a blue ribbon. The message, written on the envelope it was stored in, declared that it was Eddie’s hair from November 1959.

  Jess smiled as she lifted out several exercise books, all bearing the legend that - Angie Turner loves Eddie Mellor. ‘She was really into Dad to some tune, wasn’t she?’

  Jon nodded, picking out a handful of black and white snapshots. ‘Here she is with Cathy and some other girls. It’s written on the back where it was taken. “Mario’s Club, Xmas 1959.” Here’s another one dated the same time with Dad, Roy and Tim. Angie’s sitting on Dad’s knee, kissing him. Well, they certainly looked happy enough then.’

  Jess lifted out an oblong tin box that was fastened at the front with a small padlock. The box was labelled, “Keep Out, Very Private.”

  ‘Is there a key?’ Jon frowned, peering in the box.

  ‘Not unless it’s fallen to the bottom. Probably her crown jewels.’

  ‘No, this is her jewellery box.’ Jon held up a small, wooden treasure chest and opened it. Inside was a collection of trinkets - a silver charm bracelet, clip-on gold earrings and a silver locket and chain.

  Jess prised open the oval locket and smiled. Inside were tiny photos of her dad and Angie. ‘I wonder if Dad gave her the locket, like the gold one he gave Mum on their wedding-day.’

  ‘Who knows? But I don’t fancy asking him,’ Jon replied. ‘In fact, I’m going to keep this box in the staffroom at work. It might upset Mum and Dad if they see it. I’ll leave it in the car-boot for the time being.’

  ‘Good idea. How on earth can we get into this box?’ Jess turned it over and over.

  ‘I could unscrew the hinges or try and prise the padlock open. There’s a set of screw drivers in the car.’

  ‘Go and get them then.’ Jess smiled as he leapt up, pulled on some clothes and dashed from the room, returning minutes later with a small toolbox.

  He tried one of the screwdrivers. ‘Damn! These are rivets, not screws. I’ll have to force the padlock.’ He pushed and poked and eventually managed to break it. He looked inside. ‘Note books. But why lock them away?’

  Jess lifted out the top book and caught her breath. Printed inside the cover in a neat hand were the words, Diary 1959. ‘They’re her diaries, Jon. These will give you an insight into her thoughts and the kind of girl she was.’

  Jon nodded silently. He shivered.

  Jess ran her hand down his arm. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe we’re prying into something very private.’

  ‘Would you rather we didn’t read them?’

  He shook his head. ‘We’ve come this far. I want to know everything there is to know about Angie, all about her.’

  Jess turned over the first page and began to read out loud.

  January 7th 1959: Back to boring school today. I’ll get to see Ed again. Haven’t seen him since Boxing Day. He’s always too busy playing and rehearsing new songs with the group.

  Jess smiled and turned a few pages. ‘She hasn’t written an entry for everyday. You can read them properly yourself when you get some time. Here’s a bit where she’s actually dating Dad properly.’

  August 10th 1959: School hols. Met Ed, Roy, Tim and Sue on the rec. Went back to Roy’s and drank his mum’s sherry. Necked with Ed all afternoon while Sue and Roy went upstairs.

  ‘Ah, bless. All very innocent,’ Jon laughed. ‘Sue must have been Roy’s girl before he met Sam.’

  ‘Hmm, innocent, you reckon? Listen to this.’

  November 20th 1959: Babysat for Sally with Ed. We got a bit drunk and he asked me to go all the way but I said no.

  ‘Randy little git!’ Jess grinned.

  Jon picked up the next book and opened it. ‘This is 1960, the year Dad met Jane.’

  January 3rd 1960: Babysat for Sally with Ed. Roy and Sue came round and brought a bottle of horrible red wine. Me and Ed went upstairs and we had a big row. He said I tease him and don’t love him, but I do. He said prove it and go all the way. I said I would next time.

  Jon looked at Jess and laughed.

  ‘Look, here’s an entry about Mum,’ Jess said.

  April 12th 1960: Ed’s seeing someone else. He hasn’t said anything, but he’s been very off with me for the last few weeks. I think it’s one of those snooty Grammar School girls. Cathy said she’d find out.

  August 20th 1960: The Raiders played at Mario’s tonight. Eddie’s girlfriend came back from her holidays today and he kissed her right in front of me. He did it on purpose. Richard Price gave me a lift home and Eddie saw me getting into his car.

  August 21st 1960: Cathy told me that Eddie asked her if I was seeing Richard and she told him to mind his own business.

  As Jess leafed through the rest of the diary entries for that year, they confirmed what her father had told her. How Jane had discovered that he was seeing Angie behind her back and finished with him. After that, and according to Angie, she and Eddie seemed to be inseparable for a while then he went back to Jane. Jess picked up the diary for the following year and leafed through it.

  May 1st 1961: I’m almost six weeks late. I’m sure I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do. Cathy said I have to tell Eddie, but I’m scared he’ll go crazy and say it’s not his baby.

  Jon l
ooked up. ‘So they must have got back together. But why would Dad say I wasn’t his?’

  Jess frowned and shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Have we missed something?’ She flicked back a few pages and studied each entry, her eyes opening wide.

  ‘What is it?’ Jon took the book from her.

  March 15th 1961: Ed was on his own tonight and he walked me home from Mario’s. He came in and we did it on the rug. When I told him that I love him he was really odd with me and rushed off home. He’s probably worried that I’ll tell Jane what we did.

  March 22nd 1961: Ed’s been ignoring me so I went out with Richard to dinner in a posh restaurant. I really fancy him. We went for a drive and then we made love in his car.

  ‘Do you think Dad knew that she slept with Richard?’ Jess frowned, taking the book from him.

  ‘Well, she doesn’t actually say she went all the way, just that they made love. In those days it might not have meant full sex.’

  ‘Oh come on, Jon. She was no angel, she fancied Richard; she said so. Dad must have known what she was like, or else why would she be so worried that he’d say the baby wasn’t his?’

  Jon shrugged and lay down with his hands behind his head. ‘Read me some more.’

  April 7th 1961: Jane’s dumped Ed. He told her he’d slept with me behind her back because I said I was going to tell her. I thought he’d come back to me but he won’t even speak to me now.

  July 10th 1961: Still haven’t told Ed I’m pregnant. Cathy said I have to do it tonight after the gig, but I don’t know who the father is.

  Back from the gig and I still haven’t told Eddie. Jane was there tonight looking very sexy and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Cathy said Mac’s girlfriend told her they’re back together. That’s all I need, him back with Jane. I’m going to go round to his parents place now and get it over with. I’ll tell him I’ll go away until the baby’s born and then get it adopted. Mum will go mad. She wouldn’t let me keep it anyway. Ed can stay with Jane and we can all get on with our lives.

  Jess bit her lip and looked at Jon, whose face had drained of colour.

  July 11th 1961: What have I done? I went to see Ed and he was in bed with Jane. He told me they were back together for good and she’d agreed to marry him. I told them I’m pregnant and he’s the father. I don’t know why I said it. Jane was hysterical and Ed said it couldn’t be his. I can’t tell him about Richard now, I just can’t. I’ll have to go along with it and hope that it is Ed’s.

  Jess put down the book. ‘Do you want me to carry on?’

  He looked at her, pale-faced, and nodded. ‘Please. Now we’ve started, I need to know everything.’

  The diaries were dated up to 1964, the year Angie died. Jess leafed through a few more pages. ‘Well, the outcome is as Dad told me. Their parents rushed them into marriage and you were born in December. They lived in an awful little flat in Pickford, had no spare money and argued all the time. God, Jon, it sounds horrendous. Poor kids, because that’s all they were.’

  January 10th 1962: I’m convinced Jonny is Richard’s. He looks exactly like him. His eyes are deep green and his hair is dark and curly, he’s nothing like Eddie. What can I do? I feel trapped and so does Ed. He hates being married to me, but he loves Jonny.

  February 12th 1962: Cathy also thinks Jonny looks like Richard. She says I should be honest with Eddie and tell him the truth, but I can’t.

  July 8th 1962: Richard has married Louise and gone to live in Wales. Jonny even smiles like him now. I can’t tell Ed the truth. He already hates me for trapping him. He’d kill me if he knew. He misses Jane and the group and all his friends. I miss my job and I feel like doing myself in some days.

  December 10th 1962: I overheard Roy telling Ed that Jane is going steady with Mark Fisher now and he’s been horrible ever since. He’s always threatening to leave me but I tell him I won’t let him see the baby if he does that. I know he’ll never desert Jonny.

  ‘Jon, this is a mess,’ Jess said, looking at his stricken face. ‘Are you sure you want me to carry on?’ She put her arms around him and hugged him. His safe, secure world was crumbling around him, but he was compelled to know the truth and nodded bravely.

  ‘Skip up to the time Dad actually leaves her; see why he goes.’

  ‘Okay,’ she nodded, leafing through the diary for 1964.

  February 28th 1964: Eddie got the sack from his job last week and he’s joined The Raiders again. I’m sure he’s seeing Jane. He goes missing for hours on his motorbike and he smells of perfume when he comes home. Richard’s marriage hasn’t worked out and he’s come back to the salon. We went for a drink after work. I want to tell him about Jonny. He’ll only have to look at my little boy to know he’s his father. I don’t know why Eddie can’t see it. Maybe it’s because my mother is always saying Jonny looks like my dad as a child.

  March 10th 1964: Eddie has started working at Flanagan and Grey’s record store with Jane. He’s admitted they’re having an affair and he’s guessed about Richard and me. He told me he wants a divorce as soon as possible.

  March 15th 1964: Eddie’s left me. He wants custody of Jonny. Richard’s told me he loves me. I think he may have guessed that Jonny is his. He hasn’t said anything, but I saw him looking at Jonny the other night as though he’d guessed. I don’t think he’ll be too disappointed.

  April 12th 1964: Cathy told me Ed and Jane are engaged. They’ll have a long wait to get married. Our divorce will take forever. Ed’s complaining about his access to Jonny. He says he wants him all weekend. He’s never satisfied, always causing trouble. Richard said it’s gone on long enough. He has to be told the truth sooner rather than later. I’m pregnant again. Richard is really excited.

  May 1st 1964: I’ve moved in with Richard and we’re so happy. I still have a problem with telling Ed about Jonny. He dotes on him and I think he will want to kill me.

  Jess looked at Jon who was on his back staring at the ceiling.

  June 7th 1964: We’re going to Wales for the weekend. We got engaged today and Richard is taking me away to celebrate. Jonny is staying with Cathy. When we come home we’ll go together to Eddie’s and tell him the truth. I can’t face him on my own.

  That was the final entry. Angie and Richard had never returned home from Wales.

  ***

  ‘I can’t believe it, Jess. I feel numb.’

  ‘It might not be true,’ she said hesitantly.

  ‘But why would she lie? It ties in with what Dad told you. Well, the only way to find out for sure is to ask Cathy. She was the only other person to know the truth.’

  Jess nodded. ‘And then what? How on earth do we tell Mum and Dad? They’ll be devastated.’

  ‘I know’ Jon said, taking her hand. ‘Everything I’ve ever had from my Dad, home life, car, Aunt Celia’s money, has never been mine by rights. What about Grandma Turner and Aunt Sally? They don’t know either and poor Dad, taking all the blame for something he didn’t do.’

  ‘By pure flook!’ Jess smiled wryly.

  ‘This guy, Richard, my biological father, we don’t know anything about him. I’ve probably got relatives in Pickford. Maybe he had kids from his first marriage. I might have more brothers and sisters. If Angie had lived I would have had at least one.’

  ‘Angie didn’t really say that much about him. There’s no mention of his family or that they were aware of your existence. You’ll have to go and see Cathy as soon as possible. See if she can throw any light on things.’ Jess placed the diaries back in the tin box. ‘If it is all true, you and Dad could have blood tests to make absolutely sure.’

  Jon nodded. ‘We’ll go and see Cathy on the way home tomorrow.’

  ‘It’s been an awful shock for you, Jon. Shall I go down to the bar and get some brandy?’

  He sat up and pulled her close. ‘In a minute. There’s something we need to talk about first, something that we haven’t even considered. If Richard really is my father, we’re not in an incestuous relationship.’ />
  She stared at him, eyes wide.

  ‘We could even be married,’ he continued.

  Jess nodded slowly. ‘We could. And if I’m pregnant?’

  ‘Then we keep it. I wouldn’t allow you to abort our baby when it isn’t necessary.’

  Jess slid her arms around his neck and kissed him. ‘I love you, Jon.’

  ‘I love you too, Jess. What will I do if Dad disowns me when we tell him I’m not his son?’

  ‘Dad would never do that. He thinks the world of you. You know that.’

  ‘That’s because he thinks I’m his flesh and blood. It might be a different story when he knows the truth.’ A frown crossed his face. ‘A horrible thought just occurred to me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘If Angie hadn’t lied, you and I may never have met, especially when you consider she wanted to have me adopted in the first place.’

  ‘There’s always a reason for everything, Jon.’

  ‘So it would seem,’ he said, and kissed her.

  ***

  ‘Carl, will you take your mum and Ben out for a couple of hours?’ Cathy asked, as Carl strolled into the kitchen, a pile of sheet music in his hands.

  ‘Do I have to? I’ve got all these arrangements to work on for the tour. Why can’t you take them out?’

  ‘Jon just called. He’s been to see Angie’s mum and needs to discuss something. He wouldn’t say what, but I have a horrible feeling that it’s about Richard and Angie. I don’t want your mum here if the shit hits the fan. He’s on his way with Jess and sounded very upset, so something isn’t right.’

  ‘You’re probably barking up the wrong tree. How the hell can he possibly have found out? Angie and Richard took the secret to the grave. Sally swore she’d do the same and Ed and Jane have stayed mum all this time.’

  ‘I don’t know how, but something tells me he knows. I need to get my wits about me before he arrives.’

  ‘Right, I’ll take Mum for afternoon tea in Kettleshulme. Ben will have to stay in the car, but he’ll go to sleep.’

  ‘Thanks, Carl.’

  ***

  Cathy rushed round tidying up, plumping cushions and straightening the rug. She combed her hair and slicked on lipstick. She was dreading Jon’s visit. Almost all her life she’d worried about him finding out the truth from someone other than Ed and Jane. It was her opinion that they should have told him years ago, no matter how difficult. Coming from them at an earlier age, he would have long ago accepted things and put it behind him. By the time she let in Jon and Jess, her nerves were at breaking point and she almost wished she’d called Ed and warned him.