Waiting for Baby

by Cathy McDavid

  “How much time do you have?”

  “I’m going out, but not until later.”

  “A date?”

  Carolina smiled coyly.

  “Anyone I know?”

  “Kevin Ward from the station.”

  Like most of the family, Carolina divided her days between the ranch and an outside job. She worked part-time as a roving reporter for Payson’s second largest radio station, having landed the job seven months earlier when the station conducted a live broadcast from the ranch.

  “Isn’t he a little old for you?”

  “He’s forty-seven,” she said with the air of someone who regularly dated men ten years her junior and twenty years her senior. “Why? What difference does it make?”

  “None, as long as you’re happy.”

  Jake had given up on his social-butterfly cousin years ago. In that regard, they were polar opposites. Carolina loved the single life, while he’d married young and begun having children almost immediately. Had Ellen not strayed, he’d probably still be married.

  And Lilly wouldn’t be pregnant now. At least not with his child.

  A surge of excitement halted him in his tracks. He was going to be a father again. Jake had been so wrapped up in the complications of Lilly’s pregnancy and their relationship—past and present—he’d forgotten about the thrill of impending fatherhood. In that instant, his perspective, along with his attitude, changed.

  “You okay?” Carolina asked.

  “Yeah. I just remembered something.”

  “Must’ve been important. You were seriously gone for a minute there.”

  He smiled. “It was important.”

  Carolina snatched another candy from the dish. “So, is it woman troubles that have you down?”

  “What makes you say that?”

  She laughed good-naturedly. “Let’s face it, Jake, you’re surrounded by them. Three daughters, an ex-wife, a mother, an aunt and four cousins,” she ended, including herself and her three sisters. “I don’t know how you and your dad stand it.”

  “We’ve developed a high tolerance,” he answered jokingly.

  “The only thing you don’t have is a girlfriend—well, you did, but you blew it.”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Wait a minute.” She put down the partially unwrapped candy. “Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

  Jake inhaled deeply before speaking. “Lilly’s pregnant.”

  “Wow!” Carolina’s mouth hung open for a good five seconds. “You’re not kidding.”

  “No, I’m not. She’s about twelve weeks along. I’ve known for the last three.”

  “I guess that explains your recent mood.”

  “Sorry to be so irritable.”

  “Why haven’t you said anything?” Carolina still looked shocked.

  “Two reasons. Lilly isn’t ready to make an announcement. So, no talking to anyone.” He leveled a warning finger at her. “And I didn’t want the girls to find out. Not until I was ready to tell them. They’re already dealing with so much, what with the divorce and Ellen getting married next month.” Briana had informed him recently in no uncertain terms that she refused to be her mother’s maid of honor.

  “Are you okay with being a dad again?”

  “Sure.”

  “Is that hesitation I hear in your voice?”

  Jake explained about Lilly’s previous pregnancies, her son, Evan, and the end of her marriage.

  “Wow!” Carolina repeated, then picked up the candy and popped it in her mouth. “The hell with my date tonight.”

  “Hey, don’t cancel on my account.”

  “Trust me, this is more important.” For several minutes, Jake answered her questions. When they were done, she asked, “Can I be honest without you getting offended?”

  “When aren’t you honest?”

  “This is serious.”

  “All right.” He sobered.

  She paused, then proceeded cautiously. “Losing the baby would be hard. I’m not minimizing that, so please don’t take this the wrong way.”

  “I’ll try.” He was starting to worry.

  “But have you really considered the ramifications of having a severely handicapped child?”

  “Well…I admit my knowledge is limited.”

  “It won’t be easy.”

  “I was thinking about Grandpa Walter the other day and everything we had to go through with him. We managed, didn’t we?”

  “Oh, Jake. You can’t compare taking care of him to taking care of a gravely ill child who depends on machines to survive. Lilly’s husband couldn’t deal with it, and they were in love.”

  “I have…feelings for her.”

  “You dated for six weeks. They were married.”

  Jake remained silent. He hated it when his cousin found the holes in his arguments.

  “The pressure is incredible,” she went on. “You just told me her husband could hardly bring himself to hold his own child. Will you be different?”

  “Yes!”

  “What about your girls?”

  He remembered that day at the center when Jimmy Bob had tried to make friends with Kayla and LeAnne and what a disaster that had been. Doubts crept in, and he pushed away from his desk. He’d have to work harder at convincing his youngest daughters that people with special needs were no different than everyone else.

  “Sorry to upset you,” Carolina said.

  “It’s okay. I need to face reality.”

  She shook her head. “Your parents will freak when you tell them.”

  Jake had been concentrating on his daughters and not his parents. He rubbed the back of his neck, the muscles there taut and aching.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “Thanks. I’ll let you know if and when. Lilly and I need to make some decisions before I say anything.”

  “Not that I’m any kind of expert in these matters, but I don’t think you should wait too long.”

  “I agree, but it’s been hard pinning her down.” He thought about their appointment at Dr. Paul’s office last week, his second time accompanying Lilly. “She dodges every question I ask about the baby or our future together and insists on doing nothing until she’s a lot farther along.”

  “I don’t blame her,” Carolina said. “From what you’ve told me, her pregnancy hasn’t been easy so far. She must be afraid of losing the baby.”

  “And afraid I’ll abandon her.”

  “You wouldn’t do that!”

  “I did once before.”

  “You broke up. That happens to couples. And you didn’t know she was pregnant.”

  “She doesn’t trust me to stick with her for the long haul. Especially if the baby’s born with the same birth defects as the others.”

  “What about tests? Can’t the doctors predict these things?”

  “She mentioned having an ultrasound later on.”

  “Maybe you’ll get some answers then.”

  “I hope so.” Jake did want answers and prayed the news would be good.

  “What about health insurance? Our group plan has restrictions.”

  “Good question.” And another concern to add to Jake’s growing list. He could wind up paying sizeable out-of-pocket expenses, though it was a responsibility he was more than willing to assume. “Lilly probably has insurance, too, through the center. I’ll have to figure out how to ask her without making her defensive.”

  Carolina’s expression softened. “I’m sure everything will be fine. How can it not be with you as the dad?”

  He smiled. “There are times I’m kind of excited about being a dad again.”

  “And who knows? You could have a son.”

  “Yeah.” His smile widened.

  He was about to suggest Carolina leave to get ready for her date when his intercom buzzed.

  “That’s Howard. I’ve been expecting his call.” He picked up the receiver. “Yes, Alice.”

  “Lilly Russo just call
ed. She said to tell you she’s at the hospital emergency room and needs you to come right away.”

  Jake bolted out from behind his desk, grabbing his keys from the credenza on his way to the door.

  “What’s wrong?” Carolina chased after him.

  “Alice will tell you.”

  He ran to the parking lot and climbed into the closest vehicle, which happened to be one of the old maintenance trucks, and drove it straight through to Payson without stopping.

  LILLY GAVE A start when the privacy curtain surrounding her hospital gurney was swept aside. Jake entered the small treatment area where she’d spent the last twenty-five minutes, supposedly resting but in reality going slowly crazy. She’d spent nearly as long in the waiting room out front and then again at the counter being admitted.

  “You came,” she blurted, fighting to contain her emotions.

  “Are you okay?” He grabbed her hands, wrapping his strong fingers around them.

  “Better.” She laid her head back and closed her eyes. “The cramps have stopped, and the bleeding’s a lot lighter.”

  “Bleeding? Has that happened before?”

  “Yes, with all my previous pregnancies.”

  Hospital emergency rooms were scary and uncomfortable. The relief Lilly felt at seeing Jake was enormous. And disconcerting. He was competent and capable and exuded confidence. She supposed it was natural for her to rely on him and to call him first in this crisis. Most of his family and employees would do the same. But she didn’t want to be like them, accepting his help and his presence in her life without question.

  Not yet.

  He bent to kiss the top of her head. Her eyes flew open and a sob escaped her lips. Embarrassed at her outburst, she turned her head.

  “Shh.” He pushed a lock of hair from her face. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

  “I wish I knew that for sure.”

  Lilly had contacted the ranch looking for Jake in a moment of pure terror, when the cramps and bleeding were at their worst. Once the danger seemed to have passed, she began to regret her impulsiveness. Jake had a history of running scared when she made assumptions about their relationship and placed too many expectations on him.

  She’d seriously contemplated retrieving her cell phone from her purse to call him back. She might have done it, too, if not for the strict instructions she’d been given to lie still and not strain herself. But now that Jake was here, comforting and reassuring her with warm, soft strokes of his fingertips, she was glad she’d phoned him in the first place, glad to have someone with her.

  “What did Dr. Paul say?” He pulled a metal chair closer to the gurney and sat down. “Has she been in to see you?”

  “Not yet. She’s on her way. A lab technician came by a little while ago and drew blood.” Her glance traveled to the bandage on the inside of her elbow, and she slipped her arm underneath the blanket. Why were emergency rooms always so damn cold?

  “Hi, there.”

  The same friendly nurse who’d attended to Lilly earlier appeared from behind the curtain. She’d asked a hundred questions during the brief exam. Questions like, when did the cramps start? How severe were they? Do you feel dizzy or faint?

  And the worst one of all, have you previously miscarried or lost a baby?

  But the question the nurse asked now was even more disconcerting. “Are you ready to take a ride?”

  “Where to?” Lilly attempted to sit up.

  Jake restrained her by laying a hand on her arm.

  “Down the hall a bit,” the nurse said. “Your doctor just arrived, and she’s ordered an ultrasound.” The nurse dropped the clipboard she’d been carrying onto the gurney by Lilly’s feet and raised the side rails. Straightening, she showered Jake with a thousand-watt smile. “Is this your husband?”

  “Ah…no.”

  “I’m the baby’s father,” Jake said, standing.

  “Then you’ll want to come along.” The nurse flipped a lever to release the brake.

  Lilly fought an overpowering sense of disorientation and loss of control. Everything was moving so fast. Again. She didn’t want any tests and had told Dr. Paul as much. Now, it seemed she was having one and Jake would be accompanying her. He might suggest terminating the pregnancy if the results indicated an abnormality, and she couldn’t do that. Nor did she want to go through another pregnancy like her second, knowing all along her baby’s chances of surviving were nil. Some might say that wasn’t a very realistic attitude, but hope was the only thing that kept her going.

  “Where’s Dr. Paul? I need to talk to her first,” Lilly protested when the nurse positioned herself behind the gurney and began to push.

  “She’s signing the necessary paperwork and will be here in a minute.”

  Lilly remembered the last series of ultrasounds she’d undergone and the images that had appeared on the screen. She could still hear the “tap-tap” of the doctor’s pencil as he pointed out the deformities to her and her ex-husband, Brad. Seeing similar images again today, learning the baby wasn’t normal and might not survive, would devastate her.

  No telling what it would do to Jake.

  “Wait!”

  “I know you’re afraid. But I’m here with you.” His voice, so close to her ear, was soothing, as if he could make everything okay just by saying so.

  “What if the ultrasound shows…” She couldn’t say the word.

  “What if it doesn’t?”

  “I realize I’m being unreasonable but I don’t want to…can’t go through what I did before. I don’t want to know that I’m carrying a damaged baby. I need to have hope.”

  “An ultrasound can give you that hope.”

  “It can also destroy it.”

  “Whatever it shows, we’re in this together, Lilly.”

  Oddly enough, his reassurances worked, and she felt calmed.

  He walked beside her down the hall. Lilly’s ex-husband hadn’t done that. Neither had he shielded her from the too-bright fluorescent lights, or touched her arm to let her know she wasn’t alone in this ordeal. She’d needed Brad to be there. To share her misery and grief. To pray for a miracle. To lend his shoulder to cry on when the doctor delivered the dismal prognosis. Instead, he’d withdrawn and borne his suffering all by himself, leaving her to do the same.

  She observed Jake through lowered lids. He looked fearless and strong—like he could cope with whatever came next.

  Little did he know. He’d fathered three healthy children and had no idea what could be waiting for them on the other side of the door.

  Chapter Seven

  It seemed the moment they entered the ultrasound room, everything moved at superspeed. The nurse prepped Lilly for the procedure, chatting constantly, mostly with Jake. Lilly’s cheeks flamed when the nurse lowered her blanket and arranged her gown. Her embarrassment mystified and annoyed her. Jake had seen her wearing far less and had let her know with softly murmured words and exquisite touches how much he liked and appreciated her naked form.

  When the nurse turned her back, Lilly tugged at the hem of her gown. The extra inch or two of modesty eased a bit of her tension but not for long. Her anxiety went through the roof when the door opened and Dr. Paul entered, her street clothes visible beneath a lab coat and those funny little paper slippers covering her shoes. She greeted Lilly and reached for the clipboard the nurse had set on the counter.

  “I’m guessing you’re the baby’s father,” Dr. Paul said to Jake while flipping pages.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She nodded, her lips pursed in concentration. “How are you doing, Lilly?” She handed the clipboard to the nurse, who dimmed the overhead lights, and then faded into a corner.

  Jake stood by Lilly’s left shoulder, his position giving him an unobstructed view of the monitor screen.

  “I’m doing much better,” she told Dr. Paul. “The bleeding and cramps have stopped. There’s probably no need for an ultrasound.”

  Dr. Paul lifted the blanket coverin
g Lilly’s lower half. Though the exam was conducted discreetly and efficiently, she suffered another bout of acute embarrassment. She didn’t relax until Dr. Paul pulled the blanket back into place.

  “I understand your concerns, Lilly, but we really should see what’s going on with you. If only to rule out certain things like ectopic pregnancy.”

  Everything Dr. Paul said made sense, and Lilly was certain it was in her own and the baby’s best interest. Her heart, however, still hadn’t healed from her previous losses and cried out, “Not yet.”

  Jake’s touch, soft and gentle on her shoulder, lent her courage.

  “Nothing invasive,” she insisted. “I won’t risk a miscarriage.”

  “We’ll use an abdominal probe. I will, however, ask you to reconsider if the test shows anything out of the ordinary.”

  Lilly involuntarily gasped when Dr. Paul applied a lubricating gel to her abdomen. The nurse turned on the ultrasound machine, and the screen came to life.

  “This might feel a little cold.” Dr. Paul delivered the warning a mere second before the probe came to rest on the tiny rise of Lilly’s exposed belly.

  She tensed, every muscle in her body turning to stone. As much as she dreaded hearing bad news, she couldn’t take her eyes off the screen. A swirling black, white and gray image appeared. Dr. Paul moved the probe, and the image gradually came into focus.

  “There we go,” she said, her tone warm and a little excited. “Mom and Dad, say hello to your baby.”

  Lilly paid strict attention to every nuance in her doctor’s voice, listening for the tiniest hint of something wrong. There was none.

  “See here.” Dr. Paul indicated a small pulsating shape in the center of the screen. “We have a nice, strong heartbeat.”

  Lilly repeated the words in her head. They seemed almost too wonderful to be true.

  Dr. Paul went on to point out the baby’s head, feet, spine, lungs and even a small face. Lilly’s breath caught at the sight, and her chest ached with indescribable longing.

  “Measurements are good, well within normal range.” Dr. Paul continued to move the probe.