Waiting for Baby

by Cathy McDavid

  “Can you see what sex the baby is?” Jake asked.

  “Don’t tell us,” Lilly said in a rush. It was enough to know the baby was growing normally.

  “I can’t tell anyway.” Dr. Paul squinted at the image. “The umbilical cord’s in the way.”

  “So, everything’s fine?”

  The hope in Jake’s voice echoed Lilly’s. She marveled at their shared anticipation and how natural and right it felt. They were two expectant parents, enjoying their first baby pictures.

  “Well.” Dr. Paul’s tone changed to one of caution. “I can’t say with complete certainty that everything’s fine or that your baby is perfectly healthy. Many problems aren’t detectable with a simple ultrasound, especially at this stage.”

  How well Lilly knew that. Her first child’s ultrasound had shown nothing of concern, and her pregnancy had been relatively trouble-free for the first couple of months.

  Before her mood could sink lower, Dr. Paul offered reassurances. “But I can tell you this baby is thriving and looks normal for a twelve-to thirteen-week-old fetus.”

  Tears leaked from the sides of Lilly’s eyes. Christmas was almost a month away, but she felt like she’d gotten her first present. Maybe now she could tell her parents about the baby when they came for the holidays.

  Jake reached for her hand, and she grabbed it, grateful for his strength.

  Dr. Paul’s faint smile disappeared. “To be absolutely sure, we could perform additional tests. When you come in for your next appointment—”

  “No more tests. Not yet.”

  “Don’t you think we ought to hear what your doctor has to say?” Jake asked softly.

  “I need something positive to hold on to if I’m going to make it through the months ahead. You’ve given me that today,” she told the doctor.

  “We could have more positive news,” Jake said.

  “I want to hold off. Please. Just a little while longer. I promise to reconsider if I have more…incidents.”

  “Okay.”

  “What?”

  “I said okay. If you’re willing to take the chance, so am I.”

  “Really?” She tilted her head to get a better look at him.

  He smiled encouragingly. “You and I are going to make a beautiful baby together. I don’t see how anything else is possible.”

  Lilly stared at Jake, searching for any indication of insincerity. The face gazing down at her was open and honest and full of joy, the same kind of joy that burst inside her during those rare moments when she wasn’t worrying herself sick.

  “We’re almost finished,” Dr. Paul said, distracting Lilly and returning her to the present. She advised her on what to do when she got home and until her next visit. “Call if you start bleeding and cramping again.” After making final notations on the chart, Dr. Paul told Lilly she could go home. “I don’t want you driving, though.”

  “I’ll take her,” Jake said.

  “What about my car? I can’t leave it here.”

  “I’ll arrange for someone from the center to drive it home for you.” He let go of Lilly’s hand only because the nurse needed him to move.

  She wondered if he’d hold her hand again when they started down the hall and was a little disappointed that he didn’t. He waited outside the treatment area so the nurse could help Lilly dress in private, but he was standing right there as soon as she stepped around the curtain. When his palm came to rest lightly on the small of her back, she said nothing, although she felt quite capable of walking on her own. She could probably walk all the way home, she realized with a surge of happiness.

  We have a nice, strong heartbeat.

  Dr. Paul’s voice resounded in her head. Making it even better, Jake had stood by her, agreeing with her decision to decline further tests. It had been a long time since she’d left a doctor’s office or medical facility in such high spirits.

  She touched her belly, wishing—imagining—she could feel the heartbeat she’d viewed on the monitor. Maybe this time things would be different, and she’d be blessed with a healthy child.

  Jake pressed the elevator button. She observed him as they rode down to the ground floor. If she did get her wish, she’d be faced with deciding just how much to let this man into her life.

  “Over here,” he said once they were outside. He led her to an older-model pickup parked crookedly and illegally in a tow-away zone.

  She stopped and stared. “What happened to your truck?”

  “I was in a hurry, and this one was available.”

  “I can’t believe the police didn’t give you a ticket,” she said, inspecting the windshield when they got closer.

  “If they did, it’d be worth every penny.”

  Lilly paused. That was one of the nicest things Jake had ever said to her. “Thanks for coming today. I’m glad you did.”

  He opened the passenger-side door for her. “I’m glad you called me.”

  She considered for a few seconds, then came to a decision that wasn’t nearly as hard as she’d thought it would be. “Next week at my regular appointment with Dr. Paul, you can come with me into the exam room.”

  “You sure?”

  “So long as you behave.” She smiled and in a teasing tone added, “No getting bossy and taking charge on me.”

  “I don’t do that.”

  “Yeah, right,” she said then let out a “hmm” when it became evident she couldn’t climb into the truck without a stepping stool. Not if she was obeying the doctor’s orders to avoid strain.

  “We might have to take my car. I’m not sure I can get in.”

  “No problem.” He stooped as if to lift her into his arms.

  “Wait!” she squeaked and stopped him with a raised hand.

  He straightened, effectively trapping her between the truck seat and the hard, unyielding length of his body.

  She discovered she’d wrapped her arms around his neck, where, against her better judgment, they lingered. Their eyes locked, and though she knew she should remove her arms and scoot away—if that was even possible—she didn’t.

  Holding Jake wasn’t just for old times’ sake. She truly cared for him—more than he cared for her—which was one of the main causes of their breakup.

  Not that her feelings for him weren’t reciprocated. There was no mistaking the tenderness shining in his hazel eyes or the sexy half-smile that both charmed and irritated her. She caught herself staring at his mouth, which was so close that kissing him would be a simple matter of rising onto her tiptoes.

  Lilly resisted. It would be sheer madness. The emotional highs and lows of the last three hours had left her vulnerable and she was confusing Jake’s attentiveness with affection. Or something stronger. Thank goodness sanity returned. Before she could completely withdraw her arms, he clasped her by the waist and pulled her toward him. She held the sides of his face, thinking she’d put a halt to his intentions. But the keep-your-distance tactic became a loving caress as her thumbs brushed the faint stubble shadowing his jaw.

  His hands slipped inside her jacket and glided up her rib cage, stopping just below her breasts, which were pressed against the confines of her bra. Breasts that were fuller than the last time she and Jake had been intimate.

  “Jake.” The stern objection she’d planned to deliver came out sounding like an invitation.

  One he accepted.

  The instant their lips touched, Lilly surrendered to him. The arms she’d almost removed tightened around his neck, and she opened her mouth, encouraging him to deepen their kiss with low, throaty moans. Jake obliged, and the passion she’d never truly lost during the months since their breakup flared to life and burned brightly.

  This was unquestionably a mistake and something she’d regret later. But for now Jake’s strong fingers kneading her skin though her shirt, his tongue and lips tantalizing, were exactly the emotional balm she needed, and she took every ounce of comfort he was willing to give.

  The blazing intensity of their kis
s lasted several minutes longer, then slowly began to ebb. Their mouths drew apart but their embrace continued. He seemed to sense that she needed more time before he let go. Sliding her hands to his shoulders, she waited for her breathing to calm.

  But at his next words, her breathing stopped completely, and her hands fell limp at her sides.

  “Marry me, Lilly.”

  “I CAN’T MARRY YOU, Jake! Not now.”

  “It doesn’t have to be right away. We can wait a few months.”

  He hadn’t expected Lilly to squeal with delight at his spontaneous proposal but neither had he anticipated the absolute horror on her face or the tears filling her eyes. Lots of couples married because of a pregnancy. Surely she’d expected him to propose eventually, or at least bring up the subject of marriage. He’d certainly been considering it since she’d told him about the baby.

  She raised her hands to her lips. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to overreact. I’m just so surprised.”

  Okay, he was wrong. She hadn’t thought about marrying him. Jake didn’t know whether to be hurt or amused.

  He took a step back and rested his hand on the passenger door, deciding to be philosophical. His timing was off. Lilly’d had a difficult day and was clearly drained. He shouldn’t have sprung any unplanned announcements on her, much less propose. His retreat came to a grinding halt when she abruptly burst into sobs.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” He moved closer and put an arm around her. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. Everything’s going to work out fine.”

  Jake was prepared for her to push him away. But she didn’t, and instead nestled her face in the crook of his neck, her sobs so wrenching she shook from head to toe. He let her cry, glad that she was turning to him, and rubbed her back. Eventually, she quieted but made no effort to move. He liked holding Lilly, so he said nothing for several minutes.

  “Let’s get in the truck,” he suggested softly when she seemed ready.

  She released him and wiped her cheeks. He helped her climb into the cab, then went around to the driver’s side and got in, too.

  “I feel so stupid,” she said when he shut his door.

  “Don’t. This is a hospital parking lot.” Rather than start the truck, he set the keys on the dash. “Crying people are pretty common. Marriage proposals, probably not so common,” he added wryly.

  “I really botched that, didn’t I?”

  The truck was an older model, so it had a bench seat, and Lilly could sit near the middle with her legs angled toward Jake. He took a chance and put an arm across the seat back. She didn’t recoil. But she didn’t lean in to him as she had before, either.

  “I botched it more. The next time I ask you to marry me, I’ll do it right. Ring, flowers, down on one knee.”

  “Oh, Jake.”

  He thought for a second she might start crying again. When she didn’t, he blundered on, hoping to get past the awkward moment and onto some meaningful conversation.

  “I’d like us to be married when the baby’s born. Is that so wrong?”

  “No, if anything, it’s sweet.” She sighed. “And under different circumstances, I’d probably want the same thing.”

  “Different? Meaning…what?” he asked when she didn’t elaborate.

  “I already had one marriage fall apart under the stress of a child with special needs. I don’t want to go through that twice.”

  “You’re not going to lose this baby, and I’m not like your ex-husband.” He cut her off before she could disagree. “Okay, I know you have plenty of reason to doubt me.”

  “You did break up with me.”

  “This is different.”

  “How can I be sure?”

  “You could be sure if we were married.”

  “That didn’t stop Brad from leaving.” She tried to smile but failed miserably. “Everything is so damn complicated.”

  “The only way to uncomplicate it is to talk to me.” The truck cab was beginning to warm up. He would have taken off his jacket but he didn’t want to remove his arm from the back of the seat.

  “We have to be realistic,” she said. “The reasons you ended our relationship haven’t changed. Your daughters are still upset about Ellen remarrying, still hate the idea of a stepfather. You can’t possibly think they’ll be happier about me and our baby.”

  “They’ll come around sooner or later.”

  “You didn’t believe that two months ago. Something tells me you still don’t. And what about LeAnne?”

  “What about her?”

  “She was scared to death of Jimmy Bob that day at the center. How do you think she’d react to a new sibling who’s born with birth defects?”

  “You saw the ultrasound. This baby’s going to be fine.”

  “Which doesn’t change the fact that your daughters will be furious with you. It’s not a good way to start a marriage, is it?”

  Ellen was doing just that, but the thought didn’t console Jake. Briana and her mother were hardly speaking. He didn’t want the same thing to happen with him.

  “I really didn’t plan on having another baby,” Lilly said haltingly.

  “I know that.”

  “I was on the pill.”

  He nodded. “I know that, too.”

  “You had sex with me believing I was protected. And I was…or I was supposed to be, anyway. Only I wound up pregnant. You’re a decent guy, Jake. You probably think it’s your duty to marry me.”

  “I do feel responsible. But I should. You didn’t get pregnant alone.”

  “You’re missing the point.” She struggled visibly for control. “I won’t trap you in a relationship with me. That wasn’t the deal. And I’d never forgive myself if I came between you and your girls.”

  Jake scowled. “Is that why you think I’m here? Because you trapped me?”

  “I’m worried that’s how you feel.”

  “Believe me, I don’t.”

  “Maybe not today. Tomorrow could be another story.”

  “Did your ex-husband accuse you of trapping him?”

  Pain flashed in her eyes. “He made it clear when he left that my inability to give him healthy children was a big factor in the divorce.”

  “He’s a jerk.” Jake had another word for Lilly’s ex but refrained from saying it out loud. “There are other options for couples in your situation.”

  “Adoption was out. He wanted a biological child.”

  “He must have had a giant ego.”

  “Be honest. Most men want their children to be their biological offspring.”

  “Not all.”

  “This coming from a man with three daughters.”

  Jake didn’t dispute her. Ellen had gotten pregnant so easily, and their three girls had been born without a single complication. If he was honest, he’d admit he couldn’t understand what Lilly’s ex-husband had been through or why he felt the way he did. He could only see how much the man had hurt her.

  “Doctors can do some pretty incredible things nowadays,” he said.

  “That’s true. And in vitro fertilization using donor eggs might have been an option if we’d had the money. After Evan, our finances were wiped out.” She leaned back in the truck seat, her posture defeated. “I think it was easier for Brad to divorce me and find a woman with normal DNA than wait until we could pay off our bills and save more money.”

  “He remarried?”

  “Six months after the papers were finalized. He and his new wife had a baby a year later. I understand from mutual friends that she’s expecting again.”

  “Jeez, Lilly.”

  “I won’t pretend I’m not bothered by it.”

  “You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t.”

  “I’m happy for him. Really.” She turned and offered Jake a watery smile. “I just want some of that same happiness for myself.”

  “You’ll have it.” He lowered his arm and squeezed her shoulders. “If you find yourself doubting it, remember the ultrasound.”

  “That wa
s wonderful.” Her smile widened.

  Jake wanted to kiss her even more in that moment than he had earlier and almost surrendered to temptation. But a white coupe with “Security” painted on the side pulled even with the truck, crushing his impulse. The uniformed man inside beeped his horn.

  “It appears my luck’s run out,” Jake said.

  “I’m surprised it lasted this long.” Lilly slid over toward the door and fastened her seat belt.

  He half wished she’d slid closer to him. The ride to her place would be considerably more enjoyable with her snuggled beside him.

  “Look, I jumped the gun with my proposal earlier.” He eased the truck onto the road and into Payson’s small-town version of rush-hour traffic. Dusk had settled and lights everywhere were coming on. “But I want you to know I was sincere.”

  “I’m touched. Really.”

  Lilly laid her head back. Only then did Jake notice the fatigue marring her lovely features. She must not be sleeping well, which wasn’t good for her or the baby. He wished there was more he could do for her. He wished she’d let him do more. So far, she’d stuck to her decision and refused his assistance. Until today…

  Maybe he was making progress after all.

  “I can’t saddle you with a sick child,” she said, a hitch in her voice. “That’s not fair and not what you bargained for when we got involved.”

  “You wouldn’t be saddling me. I want our child to have my name, and I want you to have the assurance that I’ll be a responsible and committed parent.” The intensity of his words gave him pause. He was certainly a different man from the one who’d run fast and hard a few months ago. Was the baby responsible? More likely the baby’s mother and his changing feelings toward her.

  They’d reached her house, which was located in one of the newer developments that had been built during a recent economic boom. Jake turned into her driveway and cut the engine. Lilly immediately opened her door. So much for sitting and talking a while longer.

  “Will you at least consider marrying me?” They stopped on her front step. She didn’t invite him inside, and he tried not to read more into that than was there.

  “I won’t dismiss the idea entirely. That’s the best I can offer.”