Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  A happy set of greetings went around when they reached the table. Lian put on a smile and went through the motions of trying to act like she normally would.

  She sat down between Sharon and April, partially opposite of Teresa. Lian had never mentioned it, but she thought Teresa looked adorable in scrubs. Today’s set was a pair of dark pink pants and a white top with little pink and blue hearts. As it always was for work, Teresa’s curly hair was up and pulled neatly from her face. Lian felt something in her stomach flutter. Teresa had the most graceful neck she’d ever seen.

  As predicted, everyone animatedly chatted without much contribution needed on her part. She nodded and laughed when necessary, but mostly tried not to be caught staring at Teresa.

  “So, how were they?” Sharon asked Teresa.

  Teresa finished a bite of food and took a sip of water. “It was a different vibe from Pride, that’s for sure. More… like the lead singer was looking to hook up with some fans afterward.” She glanced at Lian. “Right?”

  Lian hurriedly brushed some crumbs from her mouth as her mind tried to catch up to the conversation. “Yeah. The whole set wasn’t like that, but she was definitely on the prowl that night in Baltimore.” She forgot she was supposed to be eating when her eyes connected with Teresa’s. “When she played that song about coming out again, it still sounded incredible. If she didn’t write it, she certainly understands all the feelings behind it.”

  “Definitely,” Teresa confirmed with a smile. She didn’t look away from Lian for a long moment, making it difficult for Lian to hear anything but her own heart pounding in her ears.

  April cleared her throat. She grinned when Lian managed to break eye contact with Teresa. “Sounds like a good show. Maybe we can see them perform again when they come back this way?” The question was directed to Vivian, who nodded.

  “I’d like that.” Vivian leaned back in her chair and focused on Teresa. “So, tell me, Teresa. How did you manage to convince Lian to take a few days off? I’ve been trying for years.”

  Lian took a big bite of her sandwich and stared down at her plate.

  “Oh, well. It was actually easy. All you have to do is have a bad breakup, be pathetic for weeks, then cry about having to see your ex at an event out of town.”

  April scrunched up her face. “Yeah, that’s not happening, Viv.”

  Everyone but Lian chuckled. She stopped chewing and frowned, then swallowed the half-chewed bite in a hurry. “For the record, you weren’t pathetic. And I wanted to see Letters from Sappho again.” When everyone turned her way, she straightened her back. “I know when we started doing these lunches, we weren’t sure how it would work out. I thought Teresa and Sharon could help each other process some things, and at the same time make reconnecting with Vivian easier, but I didn’t realize how much I missed having queer friends. It’s just been nice to be able to do things with people who understand me in ways a majority of people don’t.” Though the admission had been spurred on by Teresa’s negative representation of herself, Lian meant every word.

  The table was silent, and then Vivian smiled at her. “We should have tried harder at being friends before.”

  Lian raised her eyebrows. “Probably.”

  “What I’m getting from all this,” Sharon said when the silence continued, “is that Teresa coming into everyone’s life has changed things for the better.”

  “That’s a great way of putting it,” Lian quietly declared. Teresa’s cheeks flushed a faint pink as she stared at Lian, a delicate smile on her face. Lian committed her expression to memory, and then the moment was gone.

  “Speaking of Teresa changing things for the better.” April grinned. “How do you feel about watching Makayla tomorrow? There’s still time to back out.”

  Lian blinked in surprise. Teresa hadn’t told her she was going to be babysitting. They hadn’t texted as much in the last week, but still.

  “And ruin your date night? The thought had crossed my mind,” Teresa quipped with a smirk. The smirk eased into a smile. “I’m looking forward to it. We’re going to have lots of fun, and I suspect Artemis will be equally happy.”

  Lian only half paid attention to the conversation after that, once again mulling over her problems. She didn’t directly address Teresa again.

  At least not until she, Vivian, and April were headed out to the car.

  “Can I borrow you for a sec?” Teresa asked with a light hand on her shoulder.

  Lian glanced to April, who shrugged and kept walking with Vivian. “Sure.” Teresa’s warm hand remained on her shoulder. “What’s up?”

  Teresa waited for April and Vivian to walk further away. She smiled hesitantly. “I was wondering if you wanted to do something this weekend?”

  “I—” Lian’s mind went blank. Being alone with Teresa wasn’t a good idea just yet. She licked her lips. “How about I hang out with you and Makayla tomorrow?”

  “That sounds great!” Teresa beamed.

  Lian felt lightheaded. Teresa was so happy, and with the way she was looking at Lian, there was no question as to why. “See you then,” Lian said as she shoved her hands in her pockets and grudgingly moved out from under Teresa’s touch.

  ***

  Lian showed up with Makayla a few minutes shy of six. Teresa had gotten out of work a little earlier than normal so she could prepare the apartment—which essentially translated to wiping the counters down an extra two times and lots of pacing. Though she was anxious about Lian coming, it would also be the first time Makayla would be staying the night in her apartment. She was already cementing a ‘cool aunt’ persona with Makayla, and she didn’t want to ruin that.

  Makayla was wearing her favorite red shirt with a yellow star and jeans, a backpack from the same cartoon hanging from her shoulders. Teresa’s pulse accelerated when she gave Lian a quick once-over. Lian had changed from her work clothes into jeans and a faded band shirt, her hair pulled back in a neat tail. Teresa internally shook herself when she found herself leaning toward Lian. “Hey, guys,” she brightly greeted as she opened the door wide enough to allow them in.

  “Teresa!” Makayla returned as she leaped forward to hug Teresa.

  Teresa immediately felt better with Makayla tightly squeezing around her middle. She laughed and carefully tugged on Makayla’s arms. “Come on in and set your bag down.”

  “Kay!” Makayla bounced further into the apartment.

  Lian was smiling, her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “She was like that the whole drive over.”

  “Cute.” Teresa stepped back and nudged her chin toward the apartment. “You should come in, too.”

  Lian nodded politely and wandered inside.

  The moment wasn’t awkward, exactly. It was more like Lian’s first time over, like her visit was for something, rather than the casual way she’d been coming by before their trip to Baltimore.

  Teresa took a breath and shut the door. When she turned, she was smiling. “So,” she said loud enough so she could be clearly heard through to the living room, “I was thinking we could order pizza.”

  Makayla, who already had a content Artemis in her arms, promptly turned to give Teresa an excited look. “Can we order from my favorite place?”

  “Pizza Mia, right? That’s exactly what I had in mind.” Teresa laughed again when Makayla burst into dance.

  Lian had stopped at the end of the entryway to lean against the wall. An amused twinkle in her eye, she glanced back at Teresa. “If you were worried at all about having her over, I think you can relax.”

  Shit. Teresa had known she was in trouble the day before, when she’d reacted to Lian the same way she had when they were in Baltimore. Whatever had clicked in their hotel room had flipped a switch. Her switch, which was firmly ‘on’ whenever she saw Lian.

  Tempted to flirt, she held herself back. Though Lian had admitted to an attraction, her own feelings on pursuing a relationship were cloudy, at best. “Did April and Vivian tell you what they’re celebrating t
onight?” She really liked how expressive Lian’s eyes were. Lian had perfected the art of hiding her feelings (no doubt through dealing with clients) but, when she was comfortable, she let a lot shine through her eyes.

  “Vivian asked April to move in.” Lian’s quiet delivery belied the joy her eyes were exuding. “I’m really happy for them. It’s about time Vivian found someone who really loves her.”

  Teresa shuffled over until she was standing next to Lian. She crossed her arms and absently watched Makayla play with Artemis. “So,” she hesitated, “you and her never…?”

  Lian’s eyebrows twitched. “No. Doubt it ever crossed either of our minds. We’re too much alike.”

  Having gotten to know Lian better, Teresa snorted. “Maybe about work.”

  Lian grinned but, before she could reply, Makayla interrupted them.

  “Can we order the pizza? I’m hungry.” She held up Artemis. “We both are.”

  Teresa pulled her phone from her pocket and unlocked it. “Alright. What’s everyone in the mood for?”

  It only took a few minutes to order, and then Lian was setting up a Nintendo Switch in the living room for Makayla. Lian was good with Makayla, and Teresa wasn’t surprised. She wondered if Lian wanted children. Parenthood wasn’t something Teresa particularly wanted, so that could be a stumbling block if they started to date and things got serious.

  She blushed and chided herself. They hadn’t even decided where their relationship was headed, and she was already thinking about long-term issues. She paused when Lian said something that made Makayla giggle. Though, Teresa thought as the sight made her smile, maybe having children wouldn’t be so bad if it was something Lian really wanted. With a quiet huff at herself, she pulled her hair up into a ponytail. “So, Mario Kart? I haven’t played in forever so you’re going to have to go easy on me.”

  “I play to win,” Makayla said with a grim expression, “sorry, Auntie.”

  Her chest feeling tight upon hearing the title, Teresa could only smile. “I’ll remember that if we ever play Scrabble.”

  “Good luck,” Lian said with a twinkle in her eyes as she handed over a controller, “Makayla has a massive competitive streak.”

  They played until the pizza arrived, then debated over which movie to watch as they served themselves. Frozen won out, with Makayla’s winning argument of needing a refresher before the new movie came out in a few months.

  Plates in hand, they settled on the couch and started the movie. Makayla chose the seat between her and Lian, something Teresa was mildly conflicted about. She hadn’t really watched Frozen before, having been turned off by the painful popularity of the songs. It had been long enough that she could stomach trying again.

  Halfway through the movie, Teresa forgot anything she might have against it. She related too much to the story, odd anthropomorphic sidekicks aside. When Elsa accidentally harmed Anna, Teresa felt it in her own chest. By the time Anna was racing to Elsa in the storm, Lian had reached across the back of the couch to rest a hand on her shoulder. Perhaps also picking up on her feelings, Makayla had cuddled into her side.

  Quietly sniffling as the credits rolled, it took Teresa several moments to speak. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty good.” Makayla looked up at her. “I wish I had a sister. Then we could beat up all the dumb boys I know.” She paused. “But Elsa’s parents were mean.”

  When words again failed Teresa, Lian spoke up. She gently nudged Makayla’s other side. “They didn’t mean to be. When adults get scared, sometimes they make choices they think are good but actually end up hurting people they care about.”

  Makayla’s face scrunched up. “I guess.” Her expression cleared. She glanced between Lian and Teresa. “More Mario Kart?”

  Relieved at the change in subject, Teresa smiled. “Let’s clean up after ourselves, then we can play more. Okay?”

  “Okay!” Makayla hopped to her feet. She grabbed her plate and discarded napkin, jauntily making her way to the kitchen.

  Lian leaned toward Teresa. “You okay?”

  Teresa chuckled and rubbed her hands over her thighs, wishing she didn’t understand why Lian seemed so concerned. “I’m fine. I kind of knew what the movie was about because it was, you know, everywhere, but it just hit me a little harder than I expected.”

  Makayla wandered back into view. She rolled her eyes when she spotted Teresa and Lian still sitting, grabbed their plates, and then headed back to the kitchen.

  “She’s a good kid,” Teresa said with a more genuine laugh.

  The night went better after that, Teresa managing to avoid any further landmine conversations.

  Makayla ended up passing out on the couch as they watched a random cartoon on TV, and Lian stated it was time to go shortly after that.

  “Thanks for coming by.” Teresa wasn’t sure why she felt so nervous. It hadn’t been a date. She’d even made a conscious decision not to do much with her makeup and hair.

  “No problem. I like hanging out with the both of you.” Lian’s hands were back in her pockets. She rocked back on her heels as they both stood in front of the door.

  Teresa sucked on her lower lip and gathered her courage. “Maybe we could hang out again this weekend?”

  “Um, I don’t know.” Lian looked away and rubbed the back of her head. “I’ve still got a lot of stuff to catch up on after the trip.”

  Determined to hide her disappointment, Teresa smiled. “Oh, okay. Some other time.” It didn’t mean anything. It’s not like they’d hung out every day before. Had she been too moody? Had crying about the movie been too much?

  Lian frowned and rolled her jaw as she studied her shoes. “Maybe after the next lunch? We can talk about some stuff.”

  Teresa attempted to swallow around the lump that had formed in her throat. “Sure.”

  “Wait, I messed that up.” Lian’s frown deepened. “It’s serious but not bad.”

  “Okay?” Teresa tilted her head.

  Lian groaned and shook her head. “Some stuff I’m dealing with about work is kind of spilling over. It’s just complicated.”

  At the mention of work, Teresa relaxed. “Got it. If you don’t feel up to meeting, it’s okay, I promise.”

  “No, it’s,” Lian finally looked back at her, “I want to. And we should really talk.”

  Feeling partially better, Teresa nodded. “Right. Just text me the info. Where, when, all that jazz.”

  “Will do. I’ll still text you this week, regardless.” Lian’s smile was slight. “Later.”

  Teresa stared at her door for some minutes after Lian was gone. The end aside, it had been a good night. They’d had fun. Teresa decided to set her worries aside until the next day. She’d start it off well by making pancakes with Makayla in the morning.

  ***

  Monday evening found Lian sprawled out on her bed staring at the ceiling as a cascade of thoughts overwhelmed her. She was a mess and couldn’t enjoy any of her video games. Part of her wished Ana would become impatient and take the decision from her; she’d never been so conflicted about work before. It sucked when she had to inadvertently out someone, but it had never been personal. No matter what she did, what route she chose, Teresa would feel the brunt of the situation. There was no great choice.

  If she was the reason Teresa was forced to come out, that would weigh on their friendship—and anything else they might have been to one another.

  She started when someone knocked on her bedroom door. “Yeah?” she called out.

  The door opened wide enough for Caroline to poke her head in. “Dinner?”

  Lian sighed and resumed scrutinizing the ceiling. On the left, some of the textured finish kind of resembled a face. “Not hungry.”

  Caroline made a noncommittal noise in her throat. She glanced back toward the hallway, then completely entered the room. The door made a soft clicking sound as she shut it behind her. “That never happens.”

  “Eh.” Lian
waggled her hand in the air and then let it drop back down to her mattress.

  “Scoot over,” Caroline instructed as she braced a hand on the edge of the bed.

  Lian complied without comment, shifting to the left so her sister had just enough space to be comfortable. They remained in contented silence for some time.

  Caroline was the first to break it. “I think the last time we did this was, what? Three, four years ago?”

  “That sounds right.” Lian strained to remember why that was. She shook her head once she did. “The first and last time I tried that dating app Jessica recommended.”