Back To The Start

by Peter Styles

  One of those things was apparently that Jewel had lied.

  “Does it matter? I mean, technically it isn’t a lie,” Greg replied swiftly, not wanting to be responsible for a fight between the siblings. “We went out last night and–”

  “You were there with her when she was drinking? Why didn’t you stop her?” Ben snapped.

  Greg bristled. “Why would I stop a grown woman from doing what she wanted?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, because of how much she drank after Stephen left. Everyone was keeping a close eye on her after that just in case it leapt into alcoholism. You’re supposed to be her best friend.” He shook his head in disgust. “What is wrong with you?”

  Greg was thrown by his words, unable to wrap his head around them. “W–what? How much she drank?”

  “Listen, if you’re going to be causing problems with Jewel, I’d rather she moved back home. I’ll bring her back myself,” Ben scowled.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Drinking? I never saw her drink.”

  Silence stretched between the two men as Ben studied his face. Then he let out a dry bark of laughter.

  “You honestly have no idea, do you? Holy shit.” He ran his hand through his hair and laughed again. “You must be some best friend if she isn’t even telling you this stuff.”

  Greg didn’t like the fact he was being laughed at; neither did he like that there was something he didn’t know about Jewel—something that he should have known and been able to help her with.

  Ben wasn’t finished rubbing it in, looking almost gleeful. “After Stephen dumped her, Jewel was out partying all the time. It went from every weekend to during the weekdays too. She started losing friends and coming home drunk every night. Everyone started to get concerned. How do you not know any of this?”

  He felt numb all over. “I don’t… I don’t know,” he mumbled.

  “Listen, Jewel can’t casually go out for fun anymore. Not like that. Convince her to play a board game or something. But you can’t be taking her to clubs, for fuck’s sake, Greg. Do you understand? Well?” he pressed when Greg didn’t answer right away.

  “I understand.”

  Ben shook his head and took a step away from the fence. “Jesus, Greg, what else don’t you know?”

  With that parting shot, he turned around and whistled. The dog came bounding back toward him. Greg watched Ben depart, closing the patio door and leaving him alone with only silence.

  The lemon trees forgotten, Greg stared at where Jewel had grown up. Had Ben been telling the truth? He wasn’t exactly the type of person who joked around, especially about something like that.

  That meant that Ben wasn’t lying. Jewel had apparently drunk a lot after her break-up with Stephen and Greg had no idea.

  Why hadn’t she told him? This wasn’t something small that she could forget. No, Jewel hadn’t told him for a reason. The fact that his best friend hadn’t trusted him to share this cut deeply.

  Anxious to go home, he hurried inside and said goodbye to Catherine. In a couple of minutes, he was in his car. Out of habit, Greg flicked on the radio. His mind was spinning as he tried to wrap his mind around why he hadn’t been told this information by Jewel.

  Was it something to do with him? Maybe he gave off some sort of aura where people couldn’t share things with him. Greg reviewed the break-up with Stephen, looking for clues he might have missed. But nothing stood out.

  Braking at a red light, the song on the radio struck him as familiar. It was from a long time ago. With the melody he had heard before, a memory washed over him.

  Chapter Five

  “What do you think? Pink or blue?” Jewel wiggled the nail polish bottles in front of him. “I’m opting for the blue but the pink is super cute, don’t you think?”

  “I like the glitter in the pink,” Greg replied.

  Jewel turned the bottle to face her, admiring it. “True. Okay, I’ll try the pink then.”

  He relaxed slightly. He had been nervous Jewel would think it was weird that he preferred the pink over the blue, but she didn’t seem to notice. Anyone else in their 8th grade class would have found it weird, after all.

  The song on the radio ended, starting a slew of ads that would probably go on for twenty minutes. Greg leaned over and turned it down a little. Jewel finished painting one finger and leaned over.

  “What do you think?”

  He eyed it critically. “It’s good but… messy.”

  Jewel pretended to be affronted. “Are you saying my application is messy?”

  He laughed and snatched the bottle out of her hand. “Come on. I’ll do it.”

  Jewel stretched out across the floor, knocking a pile of magazines over. “I do live to be served.”

  Her bedroom had become a comfort over the past few months. School had become odd and Greg was feeling like an outsider every day. But Jewel didn’t seem to notice how strange he felt at school. Coming here, even if her parents made him leave the bedroom door open, was the only time he felt like he could be himself.

  Even if her bedroom was a mess.

  “Stay still. You’re wriggling around,” he remarked, as he tried to keep the application neat.

  She yawned. “Did you finish that math homework?”

  “Yeah, last night.”

  “What, really? How can you work so quickly on that stuff? I got bored.”

  “It doesn’t take a lot to get you bored,” Greg pointed out.

  “Hmm, good point. I brought back a C on our last English quiz. Mom and Dad totally flipped. It’s Ben’s fault.”

  Greg thought of her younger brother. He was incredibly smart, but kept to himself. Jewel always thought that he made her look bad on purpose since he always did well in school. Greg was glad that he got along so well with Mark.

  “Why is it Ben’s fault? He’s only nine,” he remarked.

  “Yeah, but he is a total suck-up. Trust me.”

  The ads on the radio ended and a new song kicked up. Jewel started humming along and the two fell into an easy rhythm with Greg painting her nails and her singing out of tune to the song.

  When he finished, she admired his handiwork. “Wow, nice one. Better than when I try to paint my nails. You should paint yours, too.”

  “What?” Greg balked. “No way.”

  “Fine, fine, don’t get all worked up,” she said and plucked the bottle out of his fingers.

  “Why would you—why would you say something like that?” he asked, panicked that she somehow knew.

  Surprised, Jewel blinked. “What? It was just a joke.”

  “Well, it isn’t funny,” he replied hotly, knowing that he was making a big deal out of nothing, but seemingly unable to stop himself.

  She held her hands up. “I’m sorry. Geez, honest, I didn’t mean it like that, alright?”

  “Like what?” he pressed.

  “Like I was making fun of you. You know. Because you’re gay.”

  The words hung in-between them. Greg felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs. How had she known? He hadn’t told a single soul about how he had been feeling lately. He had hoped that it was a weird phase. Something that he was feeling because of school being stressful. Next year he would start high school. He would be okay then.

  But Jewel had somehow guessed his darkest secret. Panicked, he stood up. He needed to get out of here.

  “I need to go. I just remembered homework I didn’t finish.”

  Jewel stood up quickly, probably ruining her still drying nails, and reached out for him. He shrugged her off, but she grabbed his arm again.

  “Whoa, Greg! Why are you leaving? What did I say? Oh. Wait. You didn’t—I mean, you didn’t think I knew?”

  He couldn’t say anything. His throat felt tight and he felt exposed. He had heard jokes before about being gay—what it meant to be a guy and to be gay—in school, and they had always hit deeper than he had wanted. But he had thought that it was a secret. If Jewel knew… how many oth
er people knew?

  “Greg, I just assumed… I’m sorry. I just assumed that it was something we both knew. I didn’t…” She was stumbling over her words now, “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. That wasn’t my intent.”

  But Greg felt vulnerable. Shaking free of Jewel’s grip, he snatched up his bag and mumbled his excuse again. Bolting out of her room, the only thing that he could think about was getting to the safety of his room. He’d deal with her tomorrow. Figure out a lie or an excuse then. For right now…

  Rounding the corner to the stairs, he crashed into someone small. The person yelped loudly. It was Ben, clutching his notebook to his chest and scowling.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, stomping past the disgruntled nine-year-old.

  Ben said something, but it didn’t register to Greg. He shouted goodbye to Jewel’s parents and then he was outside in the chilly air. The first signs of winter were arriving. He shivered, having forgotten to bring a jacket in his haste to walk over here earlier. Shrugging the cold off for the short walk, he hurried next door.

  How had Jewel known? She had said it so casually, like it hadn’t been a big deal at all. But it was to him. He was still trying to figure everything out, including the fact he didn’t seem to feel the way about girls that everyone else was starting to feel.

  “Greg!” Jewel’s voice rang out.

  He debated scurrying away, but something in her voice—the panic, maybe— brought him to a stop. He looked over his shoulder. Jewel had run outside in sandals and almost tripped on the way over. They were her dad’s, he realized as she came to a stop in front of him, and much too large for her.

  “Greg, I don’t care! Will you stop running and listen to me, please? You’re totally acting like Cynthia right now.”

  He thought of Cynthia, who once broke a nail in class and ran off because she was crushed. Jewel didn’t care for Cynthia. Being compared to her wasn’t a compliment.

  He didn’t reply, so Jewel kept going. “I don’t care if you’re gay. I really don’t. I’m sorry. I wasn’t making fun of you. I just thought—I don’t know, I thought it was common knowledge for both of us already? Is it… I mean, did I—I didn’t mean to…” she floundered, wringing her hands together.

  In the darkness, Greg could make out pale streaks of pink on her fingertips and said, “You ruined your nails.”

  “What? Oh.” She looked down at them and shrugged. “They’d have chipped soon anyway.”

  “You can’t tell anyone,” he said, seriously. “You have to promise. You know— you’ve heard what those guys in class have said before about… and I don’t even know if I am…” He couldn’t say the word aloud, as if someone would be around to hear it.

  “I won’t. Greg, you’re my best friend. I won’t tell anyone. I promise. No matter what you decide to do. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I don’t care who you like. You’re still Greg to me.” It was the most heartfelt sentiment that he had ever heard Jewel say and, for the first time in a while, he felt like he might end up okay.

  “I might not be, you know? I don’t know. I just… it doesn’t matter.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Sorry. I guess I did pull a Cynthia.”

  “Aw, it’s alright.” She swung her arm across his shoulders. “Come on. You can help me fix my nails. Don’t run off yet.”

  “I think Ben is mad at me. I ran into him.”

  “He’s mad at everyone already. I think he was born disgruntled, honestly. I should have been an only child.”

  They began walking back to her house. Even though he was still slightly uncomfortable with someone knowing his secret, he decided that at least it was Jewel of all people.

  “Promise me something?” Jewel asked, as they cut across her lawn.

  “What?”

  “We’ll always be honest with each other, no matter what is going on in our lives. We’ll tell each other everything.”

  It was a naïve promise looking back at it but, even when Greg swore, he had meant it. No matter what happened, he would tell Jewel the truth. There wouldn’t be any secrets.

  In that moment, underneath the stars on Jewel’s lawn, with the glitter smeared on her fingertips shining and her smile bright like the moon, Greg thought that maybe everything would turn out okay after all.

  Chapter Six

  The memory was in vivid technicolor as Greg parked his car outside the apartment building. Jewel had never given a second thought to his sexuality. Even when Greg had gone through the phase where he had tried to fool himself into thinking he was straight and had gone on a slew of awkward dates with women, she had never been rude or told him to get his shit together. She had waited, always around to listen, no matter what it ended up being about.

  Had he not done the same for her? How had he not known about the drinking after Stephen left? What else was there that Greg didn’t know about?

  He tried to figure out how he was going to broach the subject with Jewel. No matter how he brought it up, it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. There had been a reason that she hadn’t shared this with him and she was probably going to be angry with Ben for telling him.

  Ben. Irritation wiggled his way through Greg when he thought of Ben’s expression as he told him. Part of him had been enjoying it, surely, at spilling this information that no one else had told him. He shouldn’t have been getting information about his best friend from Ben, of all people. Greg was starting to remember why he had never cared for him.

  He got out of his car and hurried inside, calling out Jewel’s name. There was no response at first and he wondered if she had fallen back asleep.

  Then he heard a soft groan of pain from her room. Hurrying, he pushed open her door and peered inside. Jewel was draped dramatically over her bed, and her room was as dark as a tomb. Her hand was covering her eyes to block out the light that was trying to peek through the closed window.

  “Greg? Is that you? If it’s a murderer, I’m fine with that too.”

  “It’s me,” he said, gingerly sitting on the edge of her bed.

  Even though they had been here a brief time, Jewel had managed to turn the room into a mess. Clothes had been thrown about and makeup was strewn across her dresser. Some things would never change, Greg thought as he looked around the room.

  “I feel like shit,” she groaned, “And I broke my shoes, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah. But maybe we can fix them.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll throw them out.” Her earlier sadness at losing Stephen’s gift had apparently faded. “Where did you run off to?”

  “Went to see my mom. Saw Ben too.”

  “I asked him to take the dog out. How grumpy was he?”

  “Extremely.”

  She shrugged. “He always is. I swear to you, the older he gets the grumpier he gets. He acts like he is fifty. No wonder he’s single.”

  Discussing Ben’s lack of love life, as puzzling as it was since he was hot now as much as it pained Greg to admit it, wasn’t what he felt like delving into. Instead, he reached over for Jewel’s hand.

  “Jewel. I have to ask you something.”

  Removing her other hand from over her eyes, she propped herself up a little and studied his face. “Uh-oh. What? Did I make an ass of myself last night?”

  “Well, a little, but I might have met someone out of it,” he replied.

  “Hey, look at you! I’m not that bad then, am I? Matchmaker even when I’m drunk.”

  “Ben said something—I mean, he could have just been lying. Or starting shit. Also, he really is sort of a dick…” He frowned at the memory. “I forgot what a dick he is.”

  “Yeah, that hasn’t changed. Gotten worse. Why, what did he tell you? Did he insult you? I’ll rip him a new one, I swear.” Jewel had sat up by now and was looking at him concerned.

  “No, he told me—well, yelled at me about how I shouldn’t have let you drink. He said after Stephen… you had trouble with that sort of thing? But I had no idea what he was talking about.
Is he just trying to start shit? He was annoyed that he had to come by to let the dog out…” Greg trailed off at seeing the strange expression on Jewel’s face.

  “He told you that?” she said, stiffly.

  “Yeah. I mean, I didn’t believe him, of course,” he said quickly, afraid that he had hurt her feelings somehow at believing something Ben said. “But he was worked up over it.”

  Kicking the covers off, she slipped out of the bed. “He shouldn’t have told you that,” she grumbled.

  Greg blinked. “So, it’s true.”

  “I wasn’t an alcoholic or whatever he told you. I was partying, yeah, but Ben made a giant deal out of it. Way bigger than it needed to be. He came into the club one night and like, dragged me out, creating this giant scene. Said my parents and everyone were concerned—it was nothing! Don’t!”

  “Don’t what? I didn’t even say anything.”

  “You have that look on your face. That lecture face.”

  “What lecture face? I haven’t said a word.”

  Jewel waved her hand at him. “I know that face, okay?”

  “I just don’t understand why I didn’t know like, any of this. I looked like an idiot in front of your brother,” he mumbled, hearing the laughter in his head again.

  She scoffed. “Since when have you ever cared what Ben thought?” Before Greg could give that any thought, she went on. “I didn’t tell you because you were busy.”

  “Busy? I wasn’t busy enough not to hear what was going on in your life. Especially after your break-up.”

  Jewel glanced at him. “No offense, Greg but… you kinda were. And I don’t mean that as an insult. But there was a lot going on in your life when Stephen dumped me.”

  “What? Like what?”

  “You were landing some big clients requesting your work. You were seeing that guy—I can’t even remember his name. You had a lot going on and I didn’t want to… it wasn’t anything to begin with. God, I am going to kill Ben.”