Back To The Start

by Peter Styles

  “What are you talking about? I tried to be there for you the entire time. I wasn’t—I mean, you should have told me! About what you were feeling or going through. I shouldn’t be finding out about this stuff from Ben!” Greg exclaimed, panicked at the fact that Jewel hadn’t told him things and worried that he truly had come off like he had been too busy for her.

  “Greg, you were in the city! People were here, that I could see and talk to and hang out with! I tried to talk to you. And maybe you did think you were there the entire time, but you weren’t, alright? But no one said you had to. It wasn’t your job to be there every waking moment of your life because Stephen dumped me. So, fine, I didn’t handle it the best way. I was messy and it’s all sort of a dark, blurred time. But I’m fine now.”

  “Are you? Because last night, you weren’t. You got plastered and spoke about Stephen a lot. So, maybe you aren’t okay or over it.”

  Jewel narrowed her eyes. “Don’t try to pretend you understand. Greg, you talked to me a lot during the break-up, but I didn’t think I could…”

  “You couldn’t what?” Greg snapped, feeling wounded. “Couldn’t tell me what, Jewel?”

  “About how bad it really was!” her voice cracked. “I thought if I could control at least one relationship in my life then maybe I could fool myself, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I didn’t tell you because at least one person on the planet thought I had my shit together! We’d talk and I would tell you I was doing well—you never suspected anything… That made me feel like I had a little control…” Her breath hitched and she looked away from him, suddenly quiet.

  Greg stared at his friend, unsure exactly what to say. He felt angry, hurt, and worried for Jewel. It was like the rug had been pulled out from underneath him. He hadn’t known she had been that bad after she caught Stephen cheating on her. But Greg knew that he should have known. They had been best friends for so long. They were almost always in sync.

  But somehow, along the way, he had become unmoored from Jewel. They were separate entities, bobbing in the quiet waves and growing farther apart. This entire time, Greg had no clue.

  He could hear Mark in his head, picture his scowl and the way he had been disgusted with him. There had been Bethany, another person he had no knowledge about… Ben’s sneer when he told him about Jewel.

  So much that he didn’t know. So much that he had let slip through his fingers once he moved to the city. Greg hadn’t intended to distance himself, but did that matter? Somehow, he had.

  Jewel stared at him, her bottom lip trembling as she held back tears. Greg wanted to say something to comfort her and let her know it was okay. But everything that popped into his brain felt hollow.

  “I should have been there for you,” he finally said.

  “I wouldn’t have let you,” Jewel countered. “I told you. Talking to you and not having you know… really know, I mean, about how I was feeling… it just made it easier.”

  “I should have come back. Spent time with you. I can work wherever. It isn’t like I have an office. I shouldn’t have stayed in the city.”

  Jewel suddenly looked very tired. “It doesn’t matter, Greg. It’s over with now. I’m sorry Ben dragged you into this.” She bent over and started picking up some clothes off the floor.

  “I still want to talk about this, Jewel. About what happened.”

  “I don’t. I’m going to shower.” She pushed past him.

  Greg opened his mouth to protest but stopped. It was evident that the conversation was over. Closing his mouth, he watched as she locked herself in the bathroom. Casting one last look around her room, Greg headed into his own room. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he found himself staring out the window.

  He had been so focused on refuting Mark’s claims that he hadn’t been around and never stopped to think about whether or not his brother had a point. Now, with the information about Jewel, Greg had to accept that there was truth to what Mark had told him.

  Even if he hadn’t intended it, Greg had allowed himself to be swept up in the city. Forgetting his hometown, he threw himself into work and a social life. There were things going on he hadn’t looked after as attentively as he should have. His mother, Mark… Jewel.

  Greg was going to find some way to set things right. Pay more attention. Try to fix things. Be there for everyone. Get his own shit together.

  Even if some people, like Mark, might not ever forgive him, Greg was going to at least try.

  Chapter Seven

  Greg nervously played with the button on his sleeve, refusing to check the time on his phone again. He should have ordered a coffee. At least then he would be sitting down inside the shop instead of waiting on the sidewalk. He felt out of place, like a giant spotlight was pointing at him. Look at this guy waiting for his date! He feels confident that he will somehow fuck it up!

  When Wayne had called him yesterday, Greg had to admit that he was surprised to have heard from him. Then Wayne invited him to grab coffee and he was thrown. He hadn’t yet been sure if Wayne was gay or just friendly.

  Now, he was going on a date, as casual as the setting might be, and he was nervous. Maybe he should just go inside and order something. Or was that rude? It came off as impatient, didn’t it? Plus, then they would be drinking their coffees at different times and that could be awkward. God, he really was freaking out.

  He smoothed his shirt out for imaginary wrinkles, wondering if his button-up number was too much for a coffee date, but it was too late now. He was just going to have to see it through.

  Greg had moved on to fretting about his shoes when a voice said, “Hey, am I late? Sorry.”

  Startled, he looked to his right. Wayne had snuck up while he had been panicking about his clothes.

  “Hi! No, you’re on time! I think I was early. This place is new. I was worried about not being able to find it. Even with the GPS in my phone. Does that sound lame?” Greg rambled, willing himself to shut up.

  Wayne laughed. “You said you moved from the city, right?” It was true, Greg had mentioned it in a text this morning when Wayne had confirmed the time with him. “I just assume everyone here needs a GPS if they are out of the city.”

  “Ah, the city boy jokes. Doing those already?” Greg said with a smile, as they walked into the coffee shop.

  “Have to get at least one in,” he replied, as they headed toward the counter.

  Since it was the middle of the week, the place wasn’t very busy. Greg was relieved. He was forming a worrisome habit of rambling around Wayne and he didn’t want it on display for everyone to see.

  After ordering their coffees and sitting down, Greg searched his brain for a topic of conversation. Wayne was dressed a bit more casually than he was, clean shaven and well put together. Greg liked that in him. He could smell a hint of his cologne, a spicy warmth that washed over him.

  Wayne did most of the talking for the mere fact that Greg seemed to be struggling with forming proper sentences.

  “Feels like everyone ends up here because someone gets sick,” Greg said, when Wayne finished explaining why he had moved here.

  “Mom took my uncle dying hard. They were close, grew up together. I think almost everyone who loved him relocated here at some point to be near him as the cancer got worse. Some of us just stuck around.”

  “Like you.”

  Wayne smiled a little. “Like me. I don’t mind it here so much. My job is steady and the place is affordable. It isn’t the most exciting place in the world, true, but now that my parents and most of my family are here, it just makes sense to stay.”

  “It’s amazing that your family banded together like that when your uncle got sick though. He must have been an amazing man.”

  Wayne’s gaze softened. “He was. Hard worker and a good guy. Understanding about everything, you know? When I came out, he was the only one who didn’t ask a stupid question or slip up and whine about no grandkids.”

  “Everyone else handle it okay?”

 
; “For the most part. Mom and Dad are fine with it now. I have some distant relatives still stuck in the past about it, but I don’t talk to them much so I don’t really care. What about you?”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah,” Wayne leaned back in his chair a little. “Your family okay with you being gay?”

  He thought back to Mark and when he found out. The memory was bitter and left a sour taste in his mouth.

  Instead of mentioning it, Greg instead said, “My Dad never knew. He passed away before I could tell him.”

  “Oh.” Wayne’s eyes widened slightly. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

  “It’s okay. It was back when I was in high school. I moved away shortly after I finished school so I just never told my mom. And she’s sick now so…”

  “That’s rough. I’m sorry. Here I am, blabbing about my own shit when you have your own stuff going on.”

  Greg shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Everyone does, right? Doesn’t mean my stuff is more important.”

  “Even so, losing a parent that young must have been hard.”

  Flashes ran across Greg’s brain—of the fight, the whites of Mark’s eyes, the phone ringing in the silent house, of antiseptic and the sanitary scent of nothingness that came to represent the hospital…

  He gave a small shake of his head, clearing his brain of the memories. “Long time ago.”

  The conversation shifted away from family, although the imprint of the past was still seared across Greg’s brain. He disliked talking about his dad dying, hated thinking about that night where everything changed and detested the memory of when Mark had discovered he was gay. Wayne, on the other hand, seemed to have a family life that Greg had only read about in books. A close-knit family like that, somehow even closer by a death in the family—it wasn’t something he could relate to, but at least it showed him that such a thing was possible.

  Wayne was driven, taking online college courses in his spare time with a goal to get into accounting. Greg pictured endless days of numbers and tried not to shiver. He then explained what he did for work to Wayne, who frowned slightly.

  “Paint?”

  “And sculpt. Clients commission me for projects and I’ve managed to drum up a pretty solid group of people who hire me regularly.”

  “You make enough to live off that?” Wayne asked.

  “Well, enough to get by, yeah. I put away what I can too. For rainy days,” Greg replied, feeling slightly uncomfortable talking about his income.

  “Seems risky.”

  “From an accountant’s point of view, definitely,” he said, half-joking.

  Wayne smiled a little, waking up the butterflies in Greg’s stomach. “Guess so.”

  The doors to the shop flung open as someone came inside. To Greg’s surprise, and mild chagrin, it was Ben. Of all the people in the world to appear during his date, why did it have to be Ben?

  He was wearing all black again—black jeans, black t-shirt, and sneakers that looked like they had seen better days. His hair was messy like he hadn’t been bothered to run even his fingers through it before coming inside. Holding a messenger bag tightly, he rattled off his order in that deep voice of his to the barista, not seeing Greg yet.

  “Hey.”

  Greg blinked, snapping out of his focus on Ben and seeing Wayne staring at him, “Sorry. What did you say?”

  “I was asking about your friend, Jewel.”

  “Oh, my roommate, yeah,” he replied, with a small pang in his chest.

  It had been a couple of days since the interaction with both Ben and Jewel. Conversations with Jewel had been stilted and odd, although Greg had a hard time figuring out why and how to fix it.

  “Roommate?”

  As Greg launched into an explanation about his friendship with Jewel and their living situation, he kept an eye on Ben. The way he carried himself was so different from before that Greg still wasn’t used to it. There was an arrogant air around him, something cocky and undefinable that had always simmered below the surface but was now on display for all to see…

  Ben turned around then, holding his coffee in one hand and trying to open his messenger bag with the other. From here, Greg could see he hadn’t ordered anything special off the menu. It was just a black coffee. That didn’t surprise him. He couldn’t exactly picture Ben ordering anything fancy. He wasn’t the type for that sort of thing.

  “You know that guy?” Wayne asked and there was a hint of impatience in his tone.

  “What? Yeah. That’s Jewel’s brother. Funny running into him here.”

  Ben looked up at that moment. His eyes fell on Greg. His expression was blank and Greg found himself sinking a little lower in his seat, like a child getting prepared to be lectured. Just keep walking, he hoped, but Ben began to head over to their table.

  Wayne leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, chewing on his bottom lip. There was a tension in his shoulders that hadn’t been there moments earlier.

  “Greg.”

  “Ben,” he replied, stiffly. “How are you?”

  “Fine. Came to study for class. This your friend?”

  Frostily, Wayne said, “We’re on a date.”

  Greg had never had a conversation about his sexuality with Ben, who had always been on the peripheral of Greg’s life. Ben looked on impassively after Wayne’s remark. Whatever he knew or thought about it, he wasn’t going to show it.

  “At this coffee shop?” Ben replied dryly, glancing at Greg for a spilt second before back to Wayne. “That’s… quaint.” He lingered on the last word.

  Wayne narrowed his eyes but, before he could reply, Greg said, “Well, I don’t want to keep you from your studying. Thanks for saying hi.”

  He met Ben’s gaze, silently begging for him just to leave. Ben ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged. Saying goodbye, he turned around and left them alone, heading to a table in the back.

  Greg fought down the irritation that was blooming in his chest. Did Ben really have to do that? Come over here and annoy Wayne? Even now, Wayne was still glaring at Ben, burning a hole into his back, before Greg cleared his throat a little.

  “Sorry about that. Ben is sort of…” He tried to find the right word to describe Jewel’s brother.

  “An asshole?” Wayne offered. “Did you hear—?”

  “I heard, trust me. He’s always been like that. I wouldn’t pay him any attention.”

  Wayne drummed his fingers on the table. Ben had sat down, pulling out textbooks and his laptop. Greg couldn’t remember what he was studying at school. Something dull, he thought bitterly, something to bore everyone with, surely. Jewel would know.

  “Really? Because you were.”

  Greg blinked in surprise, staring at Wayne. He was scowling, looking perturbed at the insane notion that Greg had been looking at Ben with anything other than dislike. Thrown off, he tried to think of some way to calm him down.

  “Whoa, what? I mean, Ben? No way—”

  Wayne took a deep breath and smiled. “You know what? I’m just sounding like an asshole, aren’t I?” He held his hands up briefly. “Sorry. Long morning.”

  Greg relaxed a little. “It’s okay. Ben puts everyone on edge. It’s like his superpower.”

  Wayne’s smile looked strained for a moment, but then he laughed it off. “Glad he isn’t my brother then.”

  Greg shifted enough so that his back was facing Ben. Then he leaned forward, eager to show Wayne that Ben was no longer relevant in their date.

  *

  Wayne left an hour later. He had managed to take a long lunch, but even he couldn’t justify an hour and a half. After assuring Greg that he wasn’t worried about getting in trouble, he left.

  Greg watched him go, debating ordering a second coffee, while tilting his body slightly to get a look at Ben. He had earbuds in and was staring at his textbook. His hair had fallen in front of his eyes, which he kept brushing out of the way. He looked almost too big for the chair, as if it was doll furnitur
e.

  Must be nice to casually make someone’s first date an awkward experience and then go study like nothing was wrong. Ben had managed to completely piss Wayne off. Why did he have to be a dick for no reason?

  Getting up from the table, filled with a self-righteous indignation, Greg stormed over towards Ben. He didn’t look up. Probably pretending not to see him. Annoyed, Greg leaned over and yanked one of the earbuds out of his ear. Ben made a noise of protest.

  “What is your problem?” he snapped, drawing a few stares their way.

  “I have my sister’s best friend bothering me as I study for a test. That’s my biggest problem right now.” He snatched the earbud out of Greg’s hand. Their skin briefly touched, causing Greg to yank his hand away quickly. His heart skipped a beat, but Ben didn’t seem to notice.

  “You almost ruined my date,” Greg said, through clenched teeth.

  Ben laughed, that same dry laughter he used when he was amused and mocking someone. Greg bristled and was about to say something else, but didn’t get a chance.

  “Yeah, your lovely date at a coffee shop in the middle of the work day. Did he fit you in on his lunch break?”

  He opened his mouth to refute, but quickly closed it. Ben laughed harder, leaning back in his seat and putting his hands behind his head. From this angle, Greg could see the muscle definition in his arms and how toned his chest was. His shirt lifted a little, but Greg refused to look at the exposed skin. No, he wasn’t going to turn into a walking cliché, staring at a guy’s happy trail.

  “Oh my God, he did,” Ben replied, gleefully. “How romantic.”

  “Shut up. There isn’t anything wrong about that. It’s an…” He struggled to find a way to describe it, “…adult date.”

  Ben’s smile grew wider. He would have looked cute if he hadn’t been grinning wickedly at his expense. Greg could feel the conversation slipping out of his control.

  “An adult date? Isn’t that the bit with the fucking?”

  Embarrassed, he looked around. “Shut up.”