Shattered Souls

by Alison Mello

  “You look fine, relax.” I jump at Chloe’s voice. “Girl, what is wrong?”

  “I really want this job, and with everything happening at once I’m really on edge.” I shake out my jittery hands and take another deep breath. “I’m glad I met Dr. Miranda yesterday, because I swear if I hadn’t I’d be in worse shape, and instead of drinking this damn water I’d be in my room drinking tequila and skipping out on this interview.”

  “Did you mention the drinking?”

  I nod. “Yeah, she told me to take it one day at a time, and to let her know if I felt like I needed more help with it. We talked about a few things, but she seems to think she can help me, and I really hope so. I like Keegan so much and there’s something about knowing that we’re on the same page and have been through similar things that’s calming, but when I get myself worked up over situations like this interview, it’s hard to calm myself down.”

  “Listen, you have managed a shit ton. You got this, you just need to keep calm and get through this interview. You can do it. Just remind yourself that you’re strong, and think about how much you want this job.” She tries to encourage me and it helps a little. I take a few more deep breaths.

  “I’m going to call Keegs.” Hearing his voice will calm me down.

  “I think it’s so funny you call him that,” she says with laughter in her voice.

  “Yeah, it’s my nickname for him.” Just thinking about it causes me to smile and helps to relax me a little.

  I grab my cell phone and take a seat on my bed. Chloe leaves giving me some privacy to make my call. I press the call button next to his name and he answers almost instantly. “Hey, Lexi.” His voice sounds so sexy. It’s smooth like milk chocolate.

  “Hey.” My voice is shaky.

  “Are you okay?” There goes the sexy voice. Cue the panic.

  “Yeah, I’m just nervous. I needed to hear your voice.”

  “Oh yeah, so you like the sound of my voice?” I smile because just like that his sexy smooth voice is back. I can hear him smiling through the phone as he says it.

  I lick my lips. “As a matter of fact I do.”

  “Listen, you got this. Go do your thing, and when they tell you that you’ve got the job we’ll celebrate with those handcuffs you wanted to play with.”

  I start to laugh. “You are fucking awesome. Now I’m going to go into the interview thinking about me handcuffed to your bed with your face between my legs.”

  He bursts into laughter. “Whatever helps you through it.”

  “I’m not sure wet panties are going to help me through it, but I’ll let you know.” I’m so glad I called him. I feel so much better already. We talk for a few more minutes. He asks me if I have everything I need for my interview, and I explain everything I’ve gathered to show them I’m the nurse for them. I glance over at the clock and note I have to go or I’m going to chance being late.

  “Thanks, Keegs,” I tell him, my voice soft and sincere.

  “I got your back anytime you need me. You just say the word.”

  “I gotta go, but I’ll call you later.”

  “Good luck.” He cuts the call and I walk out of my room with a new level of pep in my step and a smile on my face.

  With everything I need in hand I shout into the other room. “I’ll see her later.”

  “Good Luck.” She shouts back.

  I grab my car keys and I’m out the door. As soon as I’m in my car I set up my favorite playlist, and I jam out to music the entire ride. Music has always been one of my releases. I’ll sing like I have a voice and just get lost in the words. My taste in music is eclectic--I have everything from old school rock, to some country, R&B, and even some Eminem. The fun part is hitting shuffle and letting the player decide my music of choice for the day.

  I pull up to the hospital parking garage, take a ticket, and find a spot. I have thirty minutes to figure out where I’m going and check in. I take one last deep breath, grab my stuff from the front seat, and walk in with my head held high. Keegan and Chloe are right. I got this.

  I’m so glad Lexi called me this morning. The poor thing sounded like she was on the verge of a panic attack, and that is not something she needs before an interview. She’s lucky that the first interview she got was with her first choice hospital, and after she read me the two letters of recommendation she’s handing over, they would be crazy not to accept her. I check my watch and realize I need get rolling as well. I need to meet up with Julian for our community service session. We’re going to get some packets ready for the classes I’m going to teach this weekend. I pull up to his house to find his mother sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette. She doesn’t look much better than the day the EMTs pulled her from the passenger’s seat of her old beat up car. She looks me up and down as she exhales the smoke from her cigarette. “Are you the cop that helped my son?” She runs her fingers through her greasy dirty hair.

  “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

  She shakes her head. This bitch actually looks angry I helped him. “Why?”

  I cross my arms at my chest. “Because someone has to.”

  “Yeah, well, had he listened to me, he wouldn’t be in trouble.”

  I’m shocked. “Had he listened to you, you’d probably be dead.”

  She shrugs her shoulders and stands from the porch wobbly on her feet. She almost falls over, but catches the railing. “He’d have been better off,” she mumbles, walking into the house. I don’t bother saying anything more because I know from experience I’d only be wasting my breath. I tried so hard to tell my mom she was wrong, and I needed her, but she never listened.

  A second later Julian comes running down the stairs looking embarrassed. “What’s up, kid?”

  “Nothing, let’s go!” He sounds mad.

  “Did she say something to you?”

  He shakes his head. “She’s always spitting her venom. I’m over it. I need to get my shit together so I can graduate and get the hell away from her.”

  I nod my head. “Sounds like a good plan. Do you know what you want to do after high school?”

  “Nah, I’m considering joining the Army. I have no money for school, and there’s really nothing keeping me here.” He shrugs.

  “My girl is going to be at the school next week. Talk to her. She’s an Army vet. I know she’ll give you some guidance.”

  He smiles. “Cool, I will.” I open the door and the kid climbs into the front seat of my car.

  We drive over to pick up the stuff I ordered and then head to my house. I make us a sandwich for dinner and we talk about what is expected of him at the event while we eat. I mark the time as ‘event training’ on the sheet the court has given me. He’s devoured the plate of food I placed in front of him like he hasn’t eaten in days and it makes me wonder. I’m betting he gets free lunch at school, and it’s probably damn near the only meal he gets a day. The thought fucking sickens me, but there’s only so much I can do to help this kid. He gets up to put his plate into the sink and thanks me for dinner. I grab a huge bag of grapes from the fridge, rinse them, and put them on the counter in a bowl where we’re working. He looks at the bowl but doesn’t take any. “Do you have an allergy?” He shakes his head. “Then help yourself.” He takes a handful and starts plopping them into his mouth while I talk about the packets I want to put together for the kids. They’ll each get a D.A.R.E. bag with information and goodies in it. The kids that attend the classes will set up on the lawn. They get one bag, and the kids who just stop by the table, get different stuff. I explain all of this to Julian, and we get busy putting the bags together for the classes. It takes us a little while but we manage to put together a hundred bags. I know it’s wishful thinking that a hundred kids will attend two classes but I would rather have too many than not enough. I’ll be lucky if we get thirty kids in each class, but honestly, it’s worth it no matter how many I get.

  I train him on all he needs to know for the classes on Saturday and then we pack everything
up so it’s ready to go. “On Saturday you will need to be ready early. I’ll pick you up at seven-thirty, we’ll grab some coffee and head to the school.”

  “Sounds good.” He sounds nervous.

  “What’s wrong, kid?”

  “I’ve only managed to use six hours of time today, and I’m only going to get in about nine hours on Saturday. That’s only fifteen hours. I still have another twenty-five hours of time to make up.”

  I chuckle. “I wouldn’t have taken this on if I didn’t think I could get you enough time. Trust me. I have stuff for you to do. We have a storage closet full of D.A.R.E. stuff that needs sorting, and I haven’t had the time to do it. That will take a good couple of hours of your time as well.” He nods. “Let’s get you home, I have to work tomorrow, and you have school in the morning.”

  I just got back from dropping Julian off at his house. I’m hoping his mother didn’t give him too much shit, but I’m not going to worry about it right now. I’ve told him if he needs me to call me immediately, and my phone hasn’t rang so I’ll assume he’s good. Right now I’m looking forward to calling my girl and finding out how her interview went.

  I speed dial her number, and as if she’s waiting for me to call she answers right away. “Hey, Keegs, how was your day?” She sounds so excited I can’t help but laugh.

  “My day was fine. I want to hear about your day. How did the interview go?”

  “Fan-fucking-tastic.” She shouts with laughter.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, my girl, Harper is one of the top nurses at the hospital, and she gave me a huge recommendation. Plus I had letters from my commanding officer, as well as my First Sergeant. I turned them all in with my references at my interview. They are excited to have me join their team. I have to pass a drug test, but that’s no big deal, and they said they need to reach out to my references, but I should be hearing back in the next week or so.”

  “That is awesome.” I tell her excited that she’s lined up a job, and at the hospital of her choice. “We should celebrate. How about I make you a nice romantic dinner Saturday night at my place?”

  “Romantic, huh, I like the sound of that.”

  “Yeah, I can be romantic, too, you know. I may like to play with rope and toys, but I have a soft side, or at least I do when it comes to you.”

  “Well, I certainly enjoy the rough side, and now I can’t wait to see this sweet side you speak of.”

  A yawn escapes me. “All right, well, I’m exhausted from the long day I’ve had at work and with Julian. I’m going to get going, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Have a good night, Keegs.”

  Another week has passed and I’m really excited about Lexi coming over tonight. The house is set up to perfection with roses placed strategically throughout the dining room, living room, and even my bedroom. The candles are lit and the place smells of flowers, vanilla, and the veggie lasagna I have in the oven. The table is set for a romantic dinner for two and includes an ice bucket with a bottle of Moscato and two wine glasses. Yes, I even went so far as buying wine glasses for this evening. I want tonight to be perfect. I want her to see how much she’s come to mean to me in this short period of time. She needs to know she’s the first thing I think about when I wake, and the reason I fall asleep with a smile on my face. She’s turned my nightmares into dreams, and tonight I plan to show her how those dreams play out. I can’t help but laugh at this new romantic side I have to me. Romance has never been my thing, it’s how I knew she wanted me to fuck her brains out simply so she can get out of her own head for a while. Dr. Miranda has been trying to get me to settle my ass down, and it’s why I’ve backed off my ‘fuck’em and run’ relationships. I wanted to prove to her that I could have some control.

  Shaking away my thoughts I look into the mirror, grabbing my gel to tame my wayward hair. It’s overgrown and giving me a hard time. I sigh in frustration finally giving up because I know she’s only going to mess up it up by running her fingers through it anyway. Dropping the brush into the drawer, I exit the bathroom to check on dinner. It shouldn’t be ready for a while yet and I still need to throw the garlic bread in the oven, the one piece of our healthy dinner that's…well… not so healthy. She’s made comment about watching herself and getting back to the gym because she’s put on some weight since she’s been home, therefore, I went with a salad, veggie lasagna, which happens to be one of my favorite dishes, and garlic bread.

  Everything is ready to go, all I need is for her to arrive. I don’t know why I’m so antsy tonight, but I’m losing my mind pacing the living room waiting for her when she finally knocks on the door. I take a deep breath and open it to find my beautiful girl standing there with her hair done in perfect loose curls. She’s wearing just a touch of makeup and I’m glad, she’s beautiful without it.

  I don’t realize I’m staring at her until she says, “Can I come in?” with her brows raised and a slight grin on her face.

  “Yeah, sorry.” I step to the side, letting her in. “I was mesmerized. You look beautiful.” A blush creeps up her cheeks.

  “Stop,” she says with a giggle, looking down. I can’t stop and I won’t, she’s stunning, even in some simple leggings and a long loose fitting shirt. She really takes my breath away.

  As soon as the door is closed, I pull her to me, wrap my arms around her waist, and press my lips to hers in a very soft, sweet kiss. “How was your day?”

  She bites her lip and smiles. “It was good, and by the looks of things it’s about to get better. It smells delicious in here.”

  “I told you I wanted to have a nice romantic evening. I’m going to show you I have a soft side.”

  She giggles. “I can see that from the flowers and the candles. It’s a nice touch.”

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I also liked hearing from my friend today. She called me and told me that the hospital staff was very impressed with me, and I should be hearing something shortly.

  “That’s awesome.”

  “Yeah, Dr. Miranda thought so too when I met with her today.”

  “Nice. Let’s get a glass of wine and you can tell me all about it.”

  She follows me into the kitchen and asks, “How was your day?”

  I shrug. “Not bad. I went to the gym and then came home showered, cleaned up, and got ready for you.” I grab the wine from the ice bucket and pour us a glass.

  She looks all around my small apartment. “It looks great. I love the candles and flowers.” I hand her a glass of wine. She sips it and closes her eyes taking in the sweet taste.

  I hold up my glass. “Here’s to hoping you get the job of your dreams.” She clinks her glass with mine.

  “Thanks.”

  “We have about thirty minutes before dinner is ready. Let’s go relax.” We take a seat on the couch next to one another, soft music playing in the background as we get comfortable.

  “Dr. Miranda told me she was proud of me today,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper. I’m watching waiting for her to continue. “I told her about the mission in Baghdad and how it all went wrong.” I give her leg a gentle squeeze. I, too, am proud of her, and I want her to know that. “It was such an awful day, and I only remember bits and pieces of it, but I think that’s worse and what really broke me was waking up and discovering I lost my best friend that day. I don’t remember losing her, no goodbyes, no chance at trying to save her, she was just gone.” A tear runs down her cheek as she stares at the flickering flame of the candle on the coffee table.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She wipes away her tears. “The doctor says I need to find closure. That I need to stop blaming myself for their deaths.” She turns to me. “But I don’t know how. How does one let go of not saving one but two friends?” I take her glass of wine placing both of them on the coffee table and press her body to mine. “Bailey was my best friend.” she cries. “We’ve had each other’s backs for years and now she’s gone.”

>   Seeing her like this is tearing me apart, but this is the good cry she needed. This is the start to her healing. I know because I’ve been there. “Shhh, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” She grabs at my shirt trying to gain some control over the pain she’s feeling.

  “Do you know where she is?”

  She pulls away from me, looks into my eyes, and with a small smile says, “Waterville, Maine. We always talked about getting together after we got out because we weren’t that far from each other.”

  I smile. “Well, I think it’s time we take a trip to Maine. What do you say?”

  Her eyes search mine as she whispers, “Thank you so much. I’m not sure I can handle going alone.”

  The oven timer goes off telling me dinner is ready and that it’s time to put the garlic bread in. “I need to take care of dinner. Are you okay?”

  “I’m getting there, thanks to you.” We both go to the kitchen, she takes a seat on the stool, and I pull the lasagna out. “That looks delicious.” She inhales a deep breath of my garlic-loaded delight. “Mmmm, I love garlic.”

  It makes me so happy to see her getting back to her happy self. She finishes off her wine and pours herself another glass. She tops mine off while I put the salad on the table with some dressing, and light the candle. I dim the lights in the dining room and then go back to the kitchen to serve up the lasagna while I wait for the garlic bread to finish. I cheated and bought frozen sliced bread because I knew we wouldn’t overdo it on bread if I only made a little and it takes less time.

  Her eyes are on me the entire time I’m moving around the kitchen and I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking. I take a sip of my wine and place our plates on the table. “Can I help?”

  “Nope. We’ll be ready to eat in two seconds. I just need to pull this garlic bread back out of the oven.”

  Once everything is ready, I pull her seat out for her, and then take the seat beside her. “What were you thinking in there?”