Perchance

by Lila Felix

  We walked up the hills and down the sides. There were caverns and Cooper had me climb down into one so he could take a picture of me. We saw a waterfall and he climbed up on top and I took some pictures of him being goofy. We climbed and crawled and hiked for about two hours. I hadn’t eaten all day and I pulled my water out of my bag and downed it in one pull.

  Cooper was full of energy and it was good to be with him away from school. I thought I would be nervous all day, but after about thirty minutes I was good.

  We stopped at a tree which overlooked a tiny waterfall. But he wasn’t looking at the waterfall. He was looking at me. I cocked my head sideways at him and he took a few steps towards me. My heart dropped to my stomach and I was nervous all over again. We had already kissed. What was I nervous about? He put his arms around my waist and my hands somehow naturally went to his pecs. He bent down and first he kissed the side of my neck right below my ear and I sucked in a breath through my teeth. Then he moved to my lips, he kissed me tenderly but quickly. And I kept my eyes closed a few seconds longer just to hold on to the moment. I opened them and he was smiling down at me. He grabbed my hand and we continued on.

  We walked a little farther and he stopped.

  “Hey, wanna go eat?” He asked as he held out his hand for me to climb down to where he was.

  “Yeah, I’m starved.”

  We ate at a picnic table and then continued to hike until it looked like it was going to get dark and then we made our way back to the truck. Aunt Brenda texted me that she would be gone when I got home. She was going to some kind of scrapbooking meeting at church.

  “Aunt Brenda is going to some late night scrapbooking thing at church.” I said.

  “Ok, but it’s Sunday. You have to get home.”

  “I know. That doesn’t mean I want to.”

  He reached over and moved that bulky center console thing up and patted the seat next to him.

  I moved over to the center and he put his arm around me. We talked for a few minutes as we made our way out of Mississippi. I found out that he really wanted to be an engineer and I told him about how geeky I was for loving history and wanted to be a history teacher.

  “You’re the most beautiful geek I’ve ever seen. That’s for sure.”

  He laughed and leaned on his shoulder as he drove. He smelled so good, even after hiking all day. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it reminded me of cedar or oak. He started rubbing my other arm and his iPod was playing some kind of song that kept saying Black Water. And then I drifted off.

  Cooper

  What I really wanted to do was stop the truck right here off the side of the road and just bask in the scenario that I was in. She was curled up under my arm, her head was turned towards me and sometime during the drive she had fallen asleep. Then she stirred in her sleep and put her hand on my thigh and I almost drove off of the road. We were almost back to her house and my brain knew that she needed to go home and get some real sleep before school tomorrow. But it was my heart that was having a hard time letting her go. I didn’t ever want to leave the cab of this truck. I hugged her to me as we pulled into her driveway. I killed the engine and just looked at her for a good ten minutes before she started to wake up.

  “Hey” I smiled at her and reluctantly let her go so she could stretch.

  “Hey, are we home?” She said as she yawned.

  “Yeah, I was just letting you sleep a little bit longer and then I was going to wake you up.”

  “Oh, I slept the whole way home? I suck as a date, huh?”

  “Nope, you are the best date ever. Go inside and I’ll bring your stuff, ok?”

  “Ok, thanks.”

  I got her stuff while she opened her front door and she waited on the porch for me stretching again. She was tired and her hair was messed up and she had dirt on her shoes but there on that stoop under that porch light she was so incredibly beautiful. And I didn’t just want to date her, or have her as a girlfriend. This was so much more. I wanted her for the rest of my life. But those kind of things I was going to have to keep under wraps until she was ready. I didn’t want her to run, thinking that I was like her Dad, or my Dad even. But I wasn’t. I was never going to give up on her and I was never letting her go.

  “You gonna stand there all night ogling me?” She laughed. Oh, if she only knew.

  “I guess not.” I walked up to her and put her bag inside of the front door.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow Cooper. I had a really great time with you. It’s gonna sound awful but I’m kinda glad Troy and Josie didn’t come.”

  “No it doesn’t. I’m glad they didn’t come.” I felt like I needed to put it all out on the table. But I was still scared to death of freaking her out.

  “Look, I need to tell you something Rem. And I don’t want you to answer. I don’t want you to say anything back to me or think that I expect you to respond because I don’t.”

  She got wide eyed but I couldn’t help myself.

  I reached out and hesitated just a second and then put my hands on her face. My fingers naturally went into the hairs at the nape of her neck and she whimpered the tiniest bit.

  “I’m falling in love with you Remi. I know it’s fast and I know we’ve only known each other a couple of weeks, but I know. I’m not pushing you into anything or asking you for anything but to listen to me and believe me.”

  I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, but closer to the corner of her mouth.

  When I pulled out of the driveway, she was still standing in the same spot.

  What have I done?

  Remi

  I heard his truck pull out of the driveway. I heard the tires bump over the curb. I heard the engine rev and I could hear him almost all the way to his house. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I could even feel the heavy palpitations in the tips of my fingers. My neck and cheek were still feeling the impression of his mouth and his hands on them.

  He did not say what I thought he said. He did not. Why would he say that? Did he mean it? How did I let this happen? Did I love him?

  I was still standing there thinking it through when Aunt Brenda pulled into the driveway.

  I was still standing there when she walked up to me and asked me what was wrong.

  I was still standing there when the tears fell down my face and I told her.

  “He told me that he was falling in love with me. What do I do?” It all spilled out of me and when I confessed it I sounded like a child confessing to a wrongdoing.

  “Oh honey, I could’ve told you that he loved you the first time he came over here. And let me tell you one thing. If you are standing here thinking that you don’t know if you love him or not, you’re fooling yourself. You fell for him right here on this very porch.”

  I blinked back the tears that were waiting their turn to appear.

  “What do I do?” I whispered.

  “What did you say to him?” She looked concerned.

  “I didn’t. I stood here like some head case.”

  “What do you want to do Rem? You can’t just stand there all night.”

  “I know. I’m going in.” I went inside and took the longest hottest shower to date. I went back into my room expecting missed calls and missed text messages, but there were none. It worried me and relieved me at the same time. Time is what I needed. I looked at the clock and it was already eleven. I had eight hours to figure out what I was going to do.

  One thirteen a.m. Yes I love him.

  Two forty seven a.m. I love him, but…

  Three fourteen a.m. I love him and I need to call him now.

  Three fifteen a.m. I hope he forgives me.

  Cooper

  I got home and parked the truck. I stared at the spot next to me and couldn’t quite remember how I had progressed from her sleeping on me to leaving her on the porch confused and angry with me for telling her that I loved her or that I was falling in love with her. My heart and my mouth had made a pact of sorts and had thought blocked my br
ain from interfering. A feeling was hanging on me like the sludge on my boots.

  I got out of the truck and put away my stuff. I changed clothes and didn’t even bother with a shower. I just wanted to pass out. Of course as soon as I hit the pillow I was wide awake. I decided to call my Mom since she was usually awake all night even when she didn’t need to go to work.

  “Hi honey, are you ok?” She answered.

  “No Mom, I’m not.” I felt like I had just ruined the best thing in my life.

  “What happened Cooper? It can’t be that bad. Tell me and we’ll work it out.”

  “I told her that I was falling in love with her Mom. I told her and I think I ruined everything.”

  “Remi?” She asked.

  “Of course Remi Mom. Who else?” I barked at her. “I’m sorry Mom.”

  “It’s ok. So what did she do after you told her?” She asked calmly.

  “She just stood there Mom. I told her not to respond and to just listen and believe me, but I thought I would get something. I would’ve even taken a slap in the face. Something.”

  “But you’ve told me that she has this plan to get out there and be able to support herself. I bet she wasn’t planning on moving there and falling for a guy in a little over two weeks right?”

  “No, I guess not. I’ve probably ruined it. She will probably dump me tomorrow.”

  “Cooper listen to me. Ugh…I wish I could be there to hug you baby boy. You’ve been telling me about this girl and your Dad has too. According to him, and what he’s told me, she’s got it bad for you too. So, let’s just assume that all of this is a shock to her and she just needs time to figure it out. Don’t jump to conclusions, ok?”

  “This sucks Mom.” I whispered.

  “I know it does. But I also think that you wouldn’t have told her that without some inkling that she felt the same way. Give her time. Let her deal with it in her own way. She’ll come back to you I can almost promise.”

  “I need to try to sleep.”

  “It will all turn out the way it’s supposed to.” She said.

  “Bye Mom.” I hung up and grated myself over the coals for the next few hours until it was time to get up and start school.

  I drove to school almost detesting the car for once in my life. She loved this car. But I was driving her in a state of the unknown wondering if Remi loved me or if we were done.

  I picked up Troy and he talked the entire way to school. When we arrived he was still talking but I wasn’t listening. I didn’t even get out of my car yet. It was her turn to bring breakfast but I’m sure she didn’t even think about it. I sat there while she made her way into school and then I didn’t go until the bell rang. It was a nancy move on my part, but I didn’t want her to feel pressured and I didn’t want to stress her out before school started.

  I made it through my first three classes and then I was at a loss at what to do at lunch. I went to look and at our tree was a bag. I walked out and it simply had a note that said ‘Cooper’ on it. I opened it and it was a sandwich and an apple. I picked it up, walked through the cafeteria noticing that Remi was sitting at a table with Troy and Josie and then walked out of the cafeteria straight to the parking lot. I got in my car and went home.

  Eric was awake when I got home and I explained the whole thing to him. He sympathized with me but didn’t approve of me skipping my afternoon classes. Especially since Remi’s aunt was one of my teachers. Honestly, I just didn’t care. I went up to my apartment and slept for about two hours. When I woke up my head was pounding. I went in search of some Tylenol and found some in Eric’s house.

  For the rest of the day I did nothing. Not one thing. I listened to Journey and Foreigner and sat in the chair that she had sat at. That was the same night that she knocked on my door in her pajamas. What I wouldn’t give to have her knock on my door right now.

  I got a text message.

  Remi: Open the door please.

  Remi

  I felt like garbage that had been thrown in the trash, gotten out, reused and trashed again.

  What am I so afraid of? He didn’t ask me to marry him or drop out of school to have his love children. He just told me that he was falling in love with me.

  I trudged through school. He was avoiding me for sure. I saw him pull into the parking lot a little later than usual and then he just sat in his car. He didn’t wave or even look up at me. He just sat there. I felt like I had broken his heart and I would continue to until I could get up the nerve to tell him.

  I went through my first three classes, trying as hard as I could to pay attention. I knew that he was avoiding me so instead of looking lame by sitting alone at our tree, I just put his lunch there and went inside to eat. Josie and Troy saw me and joined me so I didn’t have to be alone. I saw Cooper walk outside to the tree. He stood there for a few minutes and then trashed my lunch, and walked through the cafeteria and then I stood up to see that he walked all the way out to the parking lot, got in his car and left.

  The Blonde Squad whispered and laughed at me as if they knew it was going to happen the whole time. I heard the Chrissie one say something along the lines of ‘told you so’ but she was so very wrong. This situation was all on me.

  I went that afternoon to clean Edith’s apartment and she saw my face and I broke down right there. I told her everything.

  “I know you’re hurting honey girl. I know you are. But that boy sounds like he’s not so tough either. Have you ever considered that he’s as scared as you are? Being scared together isn’t as bad as being scared alone, don’t you think?”

  I know she meant to make me feel better but all it did was make me feel even more wretched. I felt like I was always screwing up with him. I was going to make this right. I was.

  Later that night I finally got up the courage to do what I needed to do. I told Aunt Brenda where I was going and she said she would rather me stay up all night than for her to see me moping around like I was. I put on a turquoise tank and some cut off shorts and slipped on some flip flops. I grabbed my phone and Aunt Brenda hugged me and told me it was going to be all right.

  I tried to walk slowly, but my whole body knew where I was going and it rushed me along like it was as happy as my heart was to get to him and see if I could salvage what I had done.

  The lights in his apartment were on and as I walked up the stairs I could hear his music. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I tried again…nothing.

  I finally texted him.

  Me: Open the door please.

  In a flash the door flew open. He looked tired and just awful. He looked like I felt and I’m sure I didn’t look so hot. There were circles under his eyes and his hair was a mess, but a sultry mess.

  “Are you ok?” He said. Leave it to him to be worried about me.

  “No, I’m not. Can we talk?”

  “Yeah, of course.” He opened the door wider and I sat in the same chair I had before.

  He was still standing by the door and I asked him to come sit down because he was making me nervous. He had some pajama pants on and a plain white t shirt. He sat down and sighed. I felt like I was too far away from him so I got up and moved the chair closer so that I was right in front of him.

  “Ok, promise to let me finish before you say anything ok?”

  He nodded so I continued.

  “You know me. You know my plans. I never in a million years expected to come here and find someone like you. I expected to skirt through this year and move on. When you told me that you were falling in love with me on Sunday it was a shock not because I didn’t believe you but because I think I’ve been in love with you since I saw you that first day at the flea market and I didn’t think you felt that way at all.”

  He opened his mouth but I put my hand out to stop him.

  “So what I’m trying to get at here is that I’m sorry. And please stop ignoring me because I acted stupid and childish and I love you even though I know that I’ve probably permanently screwed this up
… Ok, that’s it.”

  The tears were pouring down my face in buckets and he got up to hand me a tissue.

  He sat back down and was quiet for a few minutes.

  “I thought you were angry that I told you that. I really did. I don’t want to ruin any of your plans Remi. I want you to let me be a part of them. And did you just say that you love me?”

  “I want you to be a part of them too. And yes, I said that.”

  We were both smiling and I felt like I was free again. It’s weird how the one thing that I thought was going to be a burden in my life was now setting me free. I had made my own prison in my mind trapping myself with bars of ‘guys are bad’ and ‘they only want one thing’ thinking that it was keeping me safe. It turns out, I was just suffocating myself.

  We just sat there for a few minutes.

  “Well, I guess you need to get some rest. You look like you haven’t slept well and that’s my fault.”

  I got up to leave and he was next to me in an instant.

  “You can’t stay just a little longer? I just got you back.”

  He touched my face running his thumb along my jaw line. “Come here,” he whispered.

  I went straight into his arms, no hesitation, no insecurity. This was where I belonged. Cradled in the comfort and strength of his arms knowing that he was going to be there no matter what. He tightened his hold on me and whispered “I missed you so much.”

  “Me too. I almost ran after you today at lunch.” And I did until the cheerleaders got in the way.

  “I wish you would have. I skipped your aunt’s class.” He laughed into my hair.

  “She knows. It’s ok.” I was exhausted and I knew he was too.

  “Thank you.” He squeezed me again.

  “So, do you mind if I stay here a little bit? Aunt Brenda knows where I am. I just don’t want to leave yet. I’m dead on my feet.”

  “You need some sleep too. Look we’ll…just sleep…I’ll set an alarm…I’m not ready to let you go…just sleep.” He was rambling, trying to make me feel more comfortable about the fact that he just asked me to sleep with him.

  I looked over at his bed and then back to him and nodded.