Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  My whole family…

  The word was like a blade that stabbed my heart so deep it would never stop bleeding.

  "I took a few days off to spend more time with you," I said, brushing Ari's hair behind her ear.

  "Really?"

  I swear I had never seen Ariel that surprised.

  I nodded and spoke again, "Remember you wanted to go to Lily's? I thought this weekend is the perfect time to go there."

  "Oh, thank you, Blake!" She gave me a big hug. "You are the best!"

  "Tell him something he doesn't know," Reggie said, holding a yellow box in her hands. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eden smile. She probably thought Reggie's comment said it all about me.

  "Is this for me?" Ari took the box and ran to the couch to open it.

  "Do you need help with anything?" Eden asked Reggie.

  "No, but I want you two," she pointed between Eden and me, "to do something before the guests arrive."

  Eden tensed, I could almost feel it. Or maybe I felt the same way because I had no idea what my nanny had in that smart mind of hers.

  "I want you to learn how to behave."

  I chuckled. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

  "You know what I mean." Reggie looked accusingly at the two of us. "How many words have you shared during the past two weeks?"

  I hurried to explain the obvious silence. "She's been avoiding me." I intentionally refused to look at Even.

  "She just rolled her eyes," Reggie said.

  Now it was Eden's turn to defend herself. "It's because he's been avoiding me since the day we met."

  "Now he's rolling his eyes," Reggie added.

  "Okay, maybe I have…" I made a helpless gesture.

  "Same here," Even said, crossing her arms.

  "This is exactly why I told you two to learn how to behave, because if you keep playing this stupid game of yours and ruin Ariel's birthday, I will find a way to punish you. Despite the fact that you are all grown up now." In a whisper she added, "You are worse than kids! They, at least, know why they don't want to talk to each other. What about you?"

  I sighed. "I'm sorry…"

  "Now this is a good start." Reggie winked at me. "You have about two hours to sit and talk. And then, join the party and be the best hosts ever. Ari will stay with me until then." She turned on her heels and walked away.

  An uneasy silence followed.

  But Eden was the first to break it. "I shall confess… There was a reason why I preferred to stay out of your sight."

  "I know what it was."

  "You do?"

  "Let's go to my office. I think Reggie's right. We need to talk."

  But right after she closed the door and I found myself trapped in a closed space with her, I couldn't make myself say a word.

  Again, I caught myself thinking about how beautiful she was. And the longer I watched her, the clearer I could see the difference between her and Rachel. I guess it was the look of her eyes that wouldn't let me breathe freely. Its intensity was so painfully familiar. But the rest had nothing to do with my memories of Rachel.

  She possessed the power I couldn't see; it pulled me with its mysterious energy that I couldn't deny existed. I like it. A lot more than I was brave enough to admit.

  "That night, in the kitchen…" I started. "I told you about my feelings for Rachel. But I think I forgot to mention she never returned them." I licked my lips, suddenly feeling thirsty and her gaze immediately caught the move.

  Or maybe it was just my imagination playing cruel games with me.

  I turned to the floor-length window opening to the garden and proceeded, "I know why you've decided to stay away from me – you didn't want to be a vivid reminder of everything I'd lost with her death. And you were right… I did see her in you."

  I paused and mentally told myself to man up. After all, it wasn't Eden's fault that I couldn’t step over my love for Rachel and move on.

  "I just need more time to get used to the idea of losing her forever," I said aloud. "But it doesn't mean I can't do this with you being here. On the contrary…" I turned around and stepped closer to her, leaving enough distance between us not to break into her personal space. "Facing your fears is the best way to get rid of them. So maybe your presence is what I actually needed to get over her."

  I could see my words made Eden a little nervous.

  "You were right when you said Ari's happiness is what I shall put first, no matter what. My inner demons shouldn't scare you. I'll find a way to fight them, I promise."

  "Does this mean you are finally ready to approve of my staying here?" She smiled slightly. But it was all I needed to smile back.

  "I guess it does."

  "Good."

  "Does this also mean you will no longer avoid me and come to have breakfasts with me?"

  "Only if those will take place in the dining room, because I've heard you prefer having breakfast in your bedroom."

  My smile widened. "Reggie told us to behave, remember?"

  A cute blush touched her cheeks, and I couldn't deny I loved it.

  "Right." She pursed her lips, as if she tried really hard not to smile again. Then she blinked and looked around the room, obviously searching for something to talk about instead of our attitude to one another. "Who was the designer of your house?" She asked.

  "A friend of mine. He's also a painter. He owns an art studio here, in New York. We should go there one day. I'm sure you would love it."

  "How do you know that?"

  I shrugged. "You look like a person who loves art. Am I right?"

  "You are, 'as always' Reggie would add."

  "She's the only person in the world who's officially allowed to roast me. She can read me like an open book. There's nothing I can hide from her. I have no idea how she knows everything I never mention."

  "It's because she's been with you your whole life – long enough to know all the secrets you keep."

  "Do you think I'm a man of secrets?"

  "Aren't you? I never know what's going on in your head."

  "Maybe you will, after you spend a life or so with me."

  ***

  Eden

  It was almost noon when the guests arrived. Ariel was busy unwrapping presents, telling her friends about each and every one of them. She looked genuinely happy and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief, because there wasn't a trace of last night’s sadness on her face.

  "You did a great job," Mia said, coming up to me. "The party is fantastic."

  "Thanks. Reggie and I tried our best."

  She patted my back slightly and smiled. "Her mom would be happy to see her like this – all shining with happiness and surrounded with love."

  "I guess we all feel a little responsible for what's happening to her now. You – because you are her Godmother, Mr. Bowen because I think he wanted her to be his daughter, Reggie – because she loves her as if she were her own granddaughter, and I – because in one month, this little creature has managed to change my life completely. Before her, I never knew I loved kids so much."

  "You will make a great mom one day."

  "Do you think so?" I looked at Ariel and something inside me protested against leaving her. "Right now, I can't imagine having any other kids but her. Do you think it's wrong? I mean, she’s not mine, I know it. But…"

  "There's nothing wrong about it." Mia's words were followed by the tears glistening in her eyes. "I'm sure your presence here today made it so much easier for her to face her birthday – the first one that she's celebrating without Rachel."

  "In this particular case, I don't mind being a replacement." Then my eyes found Mr. Bowen's and I was surprised to realize he'd been watching me. Being a replacement for someone he loved was not the same thing as playing Ariel's mom. I wanted him to know the real me, to see the real me, and not just a ghost from his past. At some point, it became very important to make him stop comparing us.

  "Did you hear that?" Ariel's words made everyone turn thei
r heads towards her. "Is that a kitten meowing somewhere?" Everyone listened carefully.

  "I think the sound is coming from that box, over there." Mia pointed to the single box, standing at the coffee table. She then turned to me and whispered. "I hope the little cuddle is okay there. I made sure the box had holes to give him enough oxygen."

  "Him?"

  "Oh, my God!" Ariel squealed. "He's adorable!" She took the little black kitten out of the box and pressed him to her chest. "And his eyes – they are blue!"

  "You bought him, didn't you?" I asked Mia.

  "I knew how much she missed the cats that used to live with her and Rachel."

  "Thanks auntie!" Ari ran up to Mia and gave her a hug. "Can I keep him in my room?" She looked at Reggie. "Please!"

  "Only if you promise to look after him."

  "I promise! I promise!" She danced a happy dance and went to show the cat to her friends.

  "You knew how to make her love you even more," Mr. Bowen said, turning to Mia.

  "Don't be jealous. She loved all the presents she got today."

  "I know. But she will spend most of her time with yours."

  Mia smiled self-satisfied. "No need to thank me."

  "I love cats," I said. "When I was a kid, I always brought lost cats home and then mom let them out, pretending they ran away, because keeping all of them inside the house was not possible."

  Mia's eyes watered again and I wondered if I said something wrong.

  "What is it?" I asked.

  "Nothing." She shook her head and lowered her eyes. "It's just that everything about today makes me a crying mess." She looked at me again and a small tear ran down her cheek.

  Wordlessly, Mr. Bowen wrapped one arm around her shoulders and kissed her hair. Nothing needed to be said, we all felt the same way about today, each for their own reasons. I still felt a little out of place, like my feelings could never be compared to theirs, like they were not as important as theirs. But I kept telling myself it was none of my business. I didn't belong to their family. I was here to do my job, and it was to make sure Ariel was happy. This is what I needed to focus on.

  When it was time to blow out the candles on the birthday cake, all the guests gathered around the table in the dining room and waited for Ariel to make a wish. She shut her eyes tight for a moment and nodded. "Done!"

  We sang a song for her and Reggie helped her give the pieces of cake to her friends first, and then to the rest of the guests.

  The party was almost over, when we heard the noise coming from the outside.

  "The fireworks!" Someone shouted.

  The kids ran out to the terrace and everyone followed them.

  Multicolored blazes lit up the night sky, making everyone applaud. Mr. Bowen took Ari into his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck, with her cheek pressed to his. She said something to him and he smiled.

  I watched the two of them, fighting my inner desire to join their duet. I don't know why, but I really wanted to be a part of their small world too. Leaving this house and this family seemed to become harder with every passing day. I didn't want to think about the future, but I couldn't help it. Because every time I looked into Ariel's eyes, I saw the love that was so much stronger than what babysitters usually share with the kids. Some do their job and leave when it's time to find a new one.

  But I couldn't do it. I knew the day I would have to leave would be the worst day of my life. Not even losing my heart and having it replaced by the new one could be compared to what I would have to go through after losing the life I was living here and now.

  Because for some unknown reason, it became so much more important than everything I had ever had…

  The view of the fireworks sparkling above our head was breathtaking. It brought magic that warmed me up from within. It helped me believe in good and hope for the best, as if I were six, just like Ariel, and had a whole life to live and enjoy it.

  "They are like rainbows in the dark," Ariel said. "Eden, we shall try painting them with my new set of shimmering pencils."

  "Sure. Why not? We will do it first thing tomorrow."

  Mr. Bowen let her down and she came to stand next to me.

  She took me by the hand and said, "Do you know what wish I made when blowing out the candles?"

  "No."

  "I wished for you to always stay with us."

  CHAPTER 7

  It was raining cats and dogs. I stood at the red wooden door. It was old and the paint was flaking in some places. My feet were bare and I felt cold. I knocked at the door, waiting for someone to open it. I knew I was having a dream, but I couldn't make myself wake up from it.

  "Dear Lord, Eden, what happened to you?" A woman in her late forties pulled me inside the house and shut the door behind me.

  "I g-got l-lost," I rambled through my chattering teeth.

  "Why are you here alone? Where's your mom?"

  "At w-work. I t-think."

  "Come on, you need to take off your clothes and change into something dry. I'll make you a raspberry tea to warm you up a little."

  "Do you have hot ch-chocolate? I'd rather have a cup of hot chocolate."

  "Hmm.. Let me check the can first. Last time you were here, you drank all my supply of chocolate." She smiled softly at me and we went up the stairs that made a funny cracking sound with every step we made.

  We entered the dark room and the woman turned on the light. I came to the huge mirror standing in the corner and looked at my reflection. I didn't remember myself at such a young age, but the girl in the mirror was definitely me.

  "Eden, Eden! Wake up!" Out of the blur of my dream, I heard Ariel call me.

  I quickly sat up in my bed. "What is it? What time is it?"

  "Almost six. But Tom is crying!"

  "Tom?"

  "The kitten."

  "Oh, right." I yawned. "What happened to him?"

  "I don't know. But I woke up because he was sitting on my pillow, crying."

  I tossed my blanket aside and pushed my feet into a pair of slippers. "Let's find out what's bothering him."

  Together we went to Ariel's room.

  "Well, hello, little troublemaker." I took the kitten into my arms and the little thing stopped meowing. "See? He simply wanted you to cuddle him."

  "Aw, just look at him – he likes you."

  I smiled and sat down on Ari's bed; the kitten started purring.

  "Is it too early to have breakfast? I'm hungry."

  "It's because your only food yesterday was sweets."

  "Yeah, but my birthday is the only day during the year when I'm officially allowed to eat nothing but sweets."

  "Go wash your face and clean your teeth and I'll make you breakfast. Reggie must be still asleep."

  "Okay, but don't leave Tom alone. I don't want him to start crying again."

  "Fine. I'll take him with me."

  When in the kitchen, I put the cat on the floor and filled the electric kettle with the water. I was still wearing my pajamas, my hair was a mess and I felt like I would fall back asleep any second.

  Coffee, I thought to myself. I need coffee.

  I opened the can with the ground coffee and inhaled deeply, letting the smell fill me up from within.

  "Looks like we have something in common after all."

  I jumped at the sound of Mr. Bowen's voice.

  "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He came closer and took the can from my hands, then brought it to his nose and took a deep breath. "Mmm… I love the smell of coffee. Especially in the mornings."

  I couldn't but admit how damn sexy he looked. I never saw him like that: wearing blue jeans with an unbuttoned shirt that showed off his well-built chest.

  I suddenly felt like I needed to turn away from him, telling myself I had no right to stare at him so openly.

  "Why are you awake so early?" He asked.

  I swallowed, pretending I was too busy finding the coffee cups. "Ari woke me up because the kitten wouldn't stop meowing
. She thought he was crying. And you?" I looked at him, but quickly switched my attention to the boiling kettle.

  "Couldn't sleep."

  Even without looking at him, I knew he was watching me.

  I cursed mentally. Great, just great. He probably thought I looked really funny in the mornings.

  "Nice Pj's," he said, as if reading my mind.

  "Thanks," I mumbled, desperate to hide somewhere he wouldn't find me.

  "So…" He sat at the table and waited for me to make him coffee. I knew he liked it hot and sweet. "Ariel said she wanted you to go with us to Lily's. Are you still in?"

  I handed him his coffee and then made another cup for myself. "Sure. How far exactly is it?"

  "An hour ride from the city. Ari likes staying there overnight. So I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t mind staying there until tomorrow morning."

  "Whatever the little princess wants. I don't think we have much choice about it. At times I feel like everyone in the house is her personal servant, made to comply with her every wish."

  Mr. Bowen nodded. "So true." His eyes slipped down my pants, not for the first time I suppose, then he smiled slightly at the thoughts running through his head, but said nothing.

  Someone, kill me now!

  "Can I ask you something, Mr. Bowen?"

  "Blake, call me Blake."

  Our eyes met and I suddenly felt really small. Or maybe his more than obvious attractiveness was just so hard to ignore.

  I took another sip of my coffee, and said, "What happened to Ariel's father?"

  Blake's posture tensed. "Nothing. Why?"

  "He doesn't know about her existence, does he?"

  "It was Rachel's choice, not mine." He lowered his eyes and I knew he was not telling the truth.

  "Do you know him?"

  "What are all these questions about, Eden?"

  "I, of all people, know what it's like to live without knowing anything about your parents. And I thought… Ariel has the right to know who her father is. Don't you agree with me?"

  He sighed. "I once asked Rachel why she never told him about Ariel. And she said she didn't want to make him feel responsible for the choice she made. The thing is, she found out she was pregnant shortly after he left her, again. She decided to keep the baby, because she wanted a part of him to stay with her, forever. She was scared to tell him about Ariel, because she thought he might want to take her away from her."