Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  Jealousy…

  I put my fork on the table and frowned.

  I must have drunk too much wine. Jealous? No way…

  "You okay, Blake?" Ariel asked. "You look like you've swallowed a frog and don't know how to spit it out."

  "I'd better check on the meat," I mumbled in response. I stood up and came to the wood-fired grill. The girls giggled behind my back, but I didn't turn around to see if their jokes were about me or something else. I was too busy thinking about the emotions overwhelming at that moment. They contradicted one another, and I wasn't quite sure if I was imagining things, or I was getting myself into a whole mess of trouble because of my unexpected feelings for Eden.

  After Rachel, I promised myself never to get emotionally involved with any other woman. She broke my heart many times, not intentionally of course, and I doubted there was a small piece of it still able to feel something other than disappointment.

  Emotions never did me any good. They made me weak and vulnerable, and gave everyone around me an easy weapon to break me. But it was a long time ago, I've learned my lesson – to stay away from everything that had a potential to bring me down to my knees.

  Except this time, I felt like I was getting closer to giving up on trying to be all strong and self-assured. I was really close to losing myself in her – the woman whose eyes were so much like those I once fell for at first sight.

  "Do you need help?" Eden stood by my side. She looked relaxed and happy and I wished I could feel the same way she did.

  "No. The meat is almost ready."

  She looked at Ariel, playing with the kitten and turned to me again, saying, "Thank you for doing this."

  "The barbeque?"

  "No. I mean coming here. I think it means a lot to Ariel. Just look at her – I don’t think I have ever seen her so happy. The birthday party and the weekend here seem to bring back the joy she's been missing all this time.

  "There's nothing to thank me for, Eden. We both did it for her."

  "It must be hard for you to be here again, without Rachel…"

  "I…try not to think about it. After all, life goes on and I can't bring her back. But I have Ariel. Both she and I need to learn how to live without Rachel. I want Ari to remember her mom, and I'll do my best to save the memories of her the best I can."

  "You are a very kind-hearted man, Mr. Bowen."

  "I thought you were okay with calling me Blake."

  She smiled and her eyes lit up, making my stupid heart flutter in my chest. The woman obviously had a lot of power over my attempts to resist her charm.

  "I'm fine with both names." She looked at me one more time, then went back to the table to bring the plates for the meat.

  The dinner went on and I didn't notice how fast the clock on the wall showed midnight.

  "Looks like someone's ready to go to bed," Eden said, rocking Ariel in her arms. They were sitting on a swing and the little girl refused to call it a day, until her sleepy eyes started to close and she couldn't help it.

  "Let's take her to her room," I said. I took her in my arms and carefully carried her to the bedroom. Eden helped us deal with the clothes and change Ariel into pajamas. The little angel was so sleepy, she fell asleep right after her head touched the pillow.

  "I'll let the kitten stay with me tonight," Eden said, when we returned to the terrace to clean the table. "Because if he starts meowing again, Ari will wake up too early. And she needs rest."

  Lucky little thing, I thought to myself. I wouldn't mind spending the night in a bedroom that was upstairs, instead of my own.

  Eden washed the dishes and I thought another glass of wine wouldn't hurt. I refilled the glasses and turned on a record with the songs that matched the view of the night sky.

  The stars were bright and beautiful, singing a song to the eyes that made me want to fly. I patiently waited for Eden to join me on a swing. She took her glass of wine and took a small sip.

  She spoke in a soft voice, "Every time I'm holding the glass in my hands I remember the day I was hospitalized. It was Ian's birthday and I wasn't feeling well. Everyone knew I had been having heart problems, but I didn't want to ruin the party. I pretended to be okay, until I realized I was losing my balance. I dropped the glass I'd been holding in my hand and the wine made a dirty red spot on the carpet. Everything around me went black and when I woke up again, there was a new heart beating in my chest." She took another sip of her drink and looked at the sky. "Do you believe stars become homes for our souls after we die?"

  I shrugged. "I don't know. I think it's another mystery of the universe that can never be solved."

  "Would you like to know what is going to happen tomorrow? Or how long your life's gonna last?"

  "No, I never wanted to know my future. With time, I realized it's better to live here and now. Enjoy what you have and make plans for tomorrow, as if the day you won't have it will never come." I turned to look at Eden. "What about you? Would you like to know what's waiting for you around the corner?"

  She shrugged and looked down at the glass in her hands. "Maybe. If I were sure it's something good."

  The songs changed and I suddenly wanted to do something I hadn't done for a long time.

  "Dance with me," I said.

  Eden laughed. "Oh, no. I don't dance."

  I stood up and took the glass out of her hands. "Sure you do." I put both glasses on the table and reached for Eden. "Come on, show me what you are capable of."

  She laughed again and shook her head. "I'm a terrible dancer. You'll regret asking me for a dance."

  "We will see," I said, pulling her closer. I knew I would never regret this and I was right.

  The moment our bodies touched, I felt the waves of pleasure run through me. I swear, Eden felt something too. She licked her lips and lowered her eyes, as if ashamed to find herself standing so close to me.

  My pulse accelerated, blood ran faster through my veins, swallowing me in the ocean of wine and something so pleasurable, I didn't know how to describe it with simple words. But one thing I knew for sure…

  I wouldn't mind holding her in my arms forever.

  God, was it amazing. Everything about the moment was too good to be true, but it was true and I couldn't but admit I liked it, a lot. Maybe a lot more than I was allowed to, considering Eden was my employee and I should have stuck to the professional side of our relationship. But I think we both knew what she and I shared was way too far away from professional. There was more to it, and I couldn't but drink in every single moment of it.

  We didn't talk, but our dance was flowing easily, as if we were made for each other, with the moves our bodies made being the only way to speak.

  I wrapped my arm tighter around her waist and I think she stopped breathing for a moment, probably considering the idea of breaking free from my arms and running away from me.

  Not that I was going to let it happen.

  I lowered my head and took a long, deep breath, letting her floral perfume fill me up from within.

  I felt intoxicated by her. Or maybe it was the wine that made all the inappropriate thoughts run through my head. But I couldn't stop thinking about kissing her. Pulling her full lips to mine and making her moan in my arms. The desire was so strong, I could hardly control myself.

  Just then, the kitten came to my rescue. He ran up to Eden and rubbed against her leg, meowing.

  Perfect timing, dude.

  "Back off, I'm not done with her yet."

  Eden's eyes found mine and I chuckled at how scared she looked.

  "I mean the dance," I said. "The song isn't over yet."

  Her cheeks turned red and I swear she was mentally thanking the kitten for breaking the tension between us that was nearly impossible to ignore.

  "I think it's time to call it a day," she said. "What time shall we leave for New York tomorrow?" She stepped back, slipping out of my arms, and I immediately missed the feeling of her body pressed to mine.

  "I wish we could stay here l
onger, but I need to read a few documents for my Monday early morning meeting. So… How about ten o'clock?"

  "Perfect. Ari and I will have enough time to sleep."

  Yeah… Unlike me.

  I was sure I wouldn't close my eyes even for a second. Every small part of me hurt at the thought of spending the next eight hours or so alone. I looked at the kitten, still standing close to Eden and sighed.

  At least one of us will enjoy the night.

  CHAPTER 9

  Four months ago

  "Just don't tell me you are still into him!" I looked furiously at Rachel and cursed mentally. "How can you be so naïve? Don't you see he's using you, again?"

  "You don't know him, Blake. He loves me!"

  I laughed. "Right, I forgot."

  "Please…" She came closer to me and put her palms on my shoulders. "Try to understand – I'm doing this for Ariel. I want her to meet her father. Don't you think it's time for them to meet?"

  "Why now, Rachel? After all these years you've been living a happy life without him, you want him back. Don’t you remember how much you suffered when he broke your heart? Who was there to catch your tears and help you heal the wounds left by the son of a bitch?"

  "You were there, Blake. And I'm grateful for everything you've ever done for Ariel and me, but… I love him. You know that, don't you? After all this time and his betrayal, I still love him. I can't help it."

  I'd never felt as desperate as there and then. I took Rachel's hands in mine and begged her, "Please, don't do this. We can be happy without him. You, me and Ariel. You know I love her as if she were my daughter. This will never change. And you know how much I love you, Rachel. Always did."

  Her lips twisted in a tender smile. "I know, Blake. But hearts are the most uncontrollable things in the world. I can't tell mine to stop loving him. And I don't want to give you fake promises. I love you too, but it's not the same thing. You are like a brother to me. I know I can always rely on you. But you need to live your own life and let me live mine."

  I shook my head, refusing to listen to her. "I can't do this, Rachel. Nothing without you makes sense. I can't date anyone longer than a couple of months, because in every woman I meet, I want to see you." I cupped her face in my palms and pulled her face closer to mine. "I love you so much, Rachel…"

  "No." She stepped back and removed my hands from her face. "It's just an illusion, Blake. An obsession that you need to get rid of."

  "How? How am I supposed to stop loving you when you can't stop loving Mason? You, of all people, should know how hard it is to cross out the feelings and move on as if nothing ever happened."

  "Our stories are different, Blake. Mason and I have a daughter. We've been in love and through a lot together. It's not that simple to forget. The fact that he made mistakes doesn't mean anything. If two people love each other, they can find a way to make it work."

  "For God's sake, Rachel! Stop saying nonsense. I know Mason, he will never change. But you are too blind to see it." I made a helpless gesture. "Do whatever the fuck you want." I sat down in my chair and loosened my tie. "I'm done trying to reason with you. You are right – it's your life and you are free to screw it up as many times as you wish."

  "Blake…" She stood behind me, bent down and wrapped her arms my neck. "You are the best Godfather I could have ever found for my daughter. And you are the best friend I have ever had. But you need to forgive me and let me go. I'm a big girl now, I know what I'm doing."

  "Do you?" I looked up at her and saw her smiling again. God, that smile still made me weak and helpless.

  "Will you promise me something?" She asked.

  "Anything." I knew no matter what she was going to ask for next, I would do it, for her and for myself. Because deep down inside, I knew she would never be mine.

  "Open your heart for love. Let it become real, let it consume you. And then, you will be free. From me and from everything that has been holding you back all these years. You deserve to be happy. But not with me. Because my happiness is being kept somewhere else."

  She kissed my cheek and headed for the door.

  "Rachel…"

  "Yes?" She stopped and turned around to look at me one more time.

  "How do I know my heart is ready to fall in love again?"

  Her knowing-it-all eyes searched for mine. "Trust me, Blake, when it happens, there will be no turning back."

  ***

  Present Day

  Sunday morning didn't promise any troubles. After having breakfast, we packed our bags and went back home, talking about the plans for the next week. Ariel and Eden wanted to go to the circus and I insisted on going with them.

  "You said we need to spend more time together, remember?" I looked at Eden who seemed to be rethinking the idea of going to the circus with me.

  "We?" She asked with her eyebrows raised and frozen in a question.

  "Ariel and I," I clarified.

  "Right."

  Not that I didn't mean her and myself as well. But she didn't need to know that, for now.

  "Blake loves the clowns," Ariel said from the back seat.

  "I really do," I confirmed her words. "They made me love the circus when I was a kid. Mom and dad often took me to the theater, but I hated it because there were no clowns."

  "I like aerial performers," Eden said. "I always admired their bravery. I'm a terrible coward when it comes to height. This is why I hate planes, and if it's possible, I'll take a train or a bus to get somewhere."

  "What about cars?" I asked. "Can you drive a car?"

  "I love cars. Ian says I should have been born a boy. I got my license shortly after I turned sixteen and never missed my chance to drive dad's Chevrolet. Though I haven't taken the wheel since the surgery." She looked out of the window and said, "Do you think it's stupid? I mean, I've never been afraid of driving. But after the hell I had to go through because of my heart problems, the list of my fears grew significantly bigger."

  "It's natural. It is called a self-preservation instinct."

  "Maybe…"

  The very same instinct turned my heart into ice that I was sure would never melt again.

  Until the day I met Eden…

  We drove the rest of the way in silence and the first thing that I noticed when I stopped at the porch of my house and shut down the engine, was a shiny black Jeep parked at the porch of my house.

  "Do we have guests?" Ariel asked, stepping out of the car.

  Eden and I shared a glance.

  "Let's go inside and find it out," I said.

  But the moment we entered the house, I stopped dead in my tracks.

  "You have a visitor," Reggie said, taking a bag from my hands.

  "I can see that."

  "Hello, Blake," Mason greeted me.

  We stared at one another. I hadn't seen him for years, but he hadn’t changed much. He still looked like the worst enemy I had ever had. He didn't just steal the love of my life, he dared to ruin her life, and mine, considering how much Rachel meant to me.

  "Eden, take Ariel to her room," I said.

  "Okay." She quickly took the girl's backpack and hurried to leave the living room. Reggie followed them upstairs.

  I couldn't not notice Mason's eyes following Eden. No doubt, he saw what I saw in her the very first time we met.

  I cleared my throat to get his attention. "To what do I owe the honor?"

  "We need to talk."

  I didn't have the slightest desire to talk to him. "Fine, let's go to my office."

  As polite host as I was, I should have offered him a cup of coffee or something stronger, but I didn't want to 'accidentally' poison the bastard.

  "Please, take a seat." I motioned for the chair across from my mine. "Hope whatever you want to talk about won't take long."

  "I guess you know why I am here."

  "Have no idea."

  "It's about Ariel…"

  My heart froze in my chest.

  "What about her?"

  "
I know she's my daughter, Blake."

  I took a moment to let the words sink into me.

  "Who the hell told you that?"

  "Rachel did."

  "You are lying." Last time Rachel and I met was the very same day she died, and I was pretty sure she didn't have time to talk to Mason and tell him about Ariel.

  "She left me a letter." He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a piece of folded paper.

  I stared at the thing. "Where did you get it?"

  "It doesn't matter. What does matter though, is the fact that I have a daughter and I want to see her."

  "You saw her a few moments ago. Or have you noticed only her babysitter?" I asked with as much hate as I could put into my words.

  The jerk smirked. "She's lovely, isn't she?" He obviously referred to Eden.

  I ignored his question. "What do you want?"

  "Like I said, I want to see my daughter. I know you are her caregiver, but I have a right to be a part of her life too."

  "No, shit?"

  "I didn’t know about her existence, or I would have come to meet her much sooner."

  "Of course you would."

  "You don't believe me, Blake. But I'm not here to argue with you. Either you let me see Ariel, or I'll get my permission to see her from the court."

  Every part of me tensed in response. "How dare you come to my house with your stupid threats? Isn't ruining Rachel's life a good enough reason to keep you as far away from Ariel as possible?"

  "You don't know what you are talking about. I had my reasons to break up with her."

  "Twice?"

  "It's none of your business, Blake. You are not in charge to tell me how to live my life. Honestly, I don't know why you hate me so much. Rachel chose me from the very beginning, we loved each other, and she never belonged to you to blame me for whatever happened between you two. You were just a friend she cared about, no more than that." He held my murderous stare for a moment. "I've heard a few things about you too. You are no saint. So stop putting up a fuss."