Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  "Ariel doesn't know anything about you. Rachel told her you went to live abroad. What am I supposed to tell her now?"

  "We shouldn't shock her with the news. Better give her some time to get to know me. I could take her somewhere we could play, or…"

  "No."

  "You don't have a choice, Blake. You will have to let us meet, sooner or later."

  "Or never."

  He stood up and walked to the door, pausing for a moment to say the following, "I’ll give you a few days to think about what I said. Call me when you are ready to let Ariel spend some time with me." He tossed his business card on a sofa and left the office, closing the door behind him.

  "Fuck!" I stood up and started pacing the room, as furious as ever.

  When did Rachel have time to write and send him a letter? Why did he wait until now to show up and claim Ariel as his daughter?

  I didn't get it. I needed answers, but I had no idea where to get them.

  ***

  Four month ago

  After my morning argument with Rachel I could hardly think about anything but killing Mason with my bare hands. I couldn't believe she still had a soft spot for the bastard who did his best to prove he didn't deserve her.

  I was at work, getting ready for a very important meeting, when my secretary entered my office with a piece of paper in her shaking hands.

  "What happened, Lisa? Are you all right?" She was heavily pregnant and I really hoped her paleness didn't have anything to do with the baby.

  She walked to my desk and put the paper she'd been holding on a pile of documents I needed to sign.

  "What's this?" I grabbed the paper and found nothing but the address of Rachel's office there.

  "I'm so sorry, Mr. Bowen…" And then she told me about the call she got from the police officer who said Rachel died in a car accident that took place right in front of her office building. It turned out the accident was her fault. She exceeded the speed limit and ran a red light, crashing into a car coming from the right. Its driver was hospitalized, but unlike Rachel whose seat belt was unbuckled, he was still alive.

  It felt like the floor melted under my feet. Breathing suddenly felt like the hardest thing to do.

  "Oh, my God…" Lisa hurried out of the office and returned with a glass of water in her hands. "Here, drink it."

  I took a few sips, but the water couldn't lessen the pain in my heart or wash away the fact I just lost everything I had and even more. Because Rachel was my life, and without her, there was nothing to live for.

  When I came back home later that day, I could barely stand on my feet, my thoughts were disarrayed. The two bottles of whiskey that I drank back in taxi were not enough to hush the sorrow overwhelming my body and mind. So I took another one from my office and went to my room, hoping to fall asleep and never feel the misery that was eating me alive.

  I had been drinking for days, until Reggie came to tell me about the funeral ceremony. I said I wouldn't go there. But she made me do it.

  I remember standing at the sidewalk across from where Rachel's body was being buried. I didn't have enough courage to come closer and look at her one more time. I wanted to remember her alive, smiling and not lying in a coffin.

  That day I died with her. My existence didn't make sense anymore. And if it were not for Ariel who was alone now and needed me more than ever, I would have stayed at that cemetery forever, with Rachel.

  I waited for everyone who came to say their final goodbyes to her to leave, then I slowly walked to the grave and fell down to my knees, crying as hard as ever.

  I was lost and broken and more than anything in the world, I wanted to die too.

  But Reggie patiently waited for me to calm down and then helped me into the car that took me home.

  That night turned out to be the longest in my whole life.

  ***

  Present Day

  I stood in the shower with the heavy water drops falling on my shoulders and rolling down my back. With my palms pressed to the wall, I was trying to get a grip on myself and think straight again.

  Mason's visit brought back so many memories I had been trying to cross out of my mind for years. It wasn't just about the fact that he dated the girl I loved, or the fact that she loved him so much. It was about the tiny bond with her that I was about to lose because of his sudden desire to play dad with Ariel.

  I didn't believe his intentions were good. I refused to believe he would be a better parent for her than I had been trying to be since after she lost her only relative, her mom.

  I wasn't going to give Ariel to him.

  But there was one more person whom I suddenly wanted to shelter from Mason's eyes or anyone else who would try to take her away from me.

  Eden…

  I still remembered the way he watched her. He didn't ask anything about her, but I knew he would try to become close to her. It was inevitable.

  It was something I failed to resist too…

  But unlike Mason, I didn't see Rachel in her anymore. Eden was different and special, in every meaning of the word.

  I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. I needed to find a way to prevent Mason from meeting Ariel. He didn't deserve to call himself a father. She was my little angel and I fully intended to keep it that way.

  Someone knocked at the door of my bedroom. I looked at the clock on the wall and frowned. It was almost midnight.

  I went to open the door and I was surprised to see Eden.

  "May I come in?" She asked carefully.

  I hadn’t seen her since noon when I told her to take Ari to her room.

  "Sure." I stepped aside and let her in.

  "I'm sorry for bothering you…" Her eyes ran down my naked chest. "I didn't know you were taking a shower."

  "Don't worry. I'm done with it. Is everything all right?"

  She stayed at the closed door, as if scared to take a step forward.

  "I just wanted to make sure you didn't need anything." Her words were barely audible, but at the mention of my needs, I suddenly realized there was something I needed right now… From her.

  CHAPTER 10

  Eden

  His eyes shone danger.

  God, I shouldn’t have crossed the threshold of his room. He must be furious.

  I knew I needed to stay away from him, as well as I knew he needed me. Or, well, maybe not me exactly, but someone to talk to.

  Only talking was far from what was on that mind of his.

  "Reggie told me about Mason, and I thought…" Damn it, does the man know how to be anything but panty-dropping gorgeous? Water drops glistened on his tanned chest; his wet after the shower hair was in a slight mess, making me want to run my fingers through it. Veins popped out on his strong arms, which made him look even more severe. And irresistible at the same time.

  "What did Reggie tell you about him?" He stepped closer, with his hands on his sides.

  His towel hung dangerously low, slowing down my racing thoughts and switching them to one thing in particular that I wouldn't mind him doing to me now.

  Focus, Eden!

  Right…

  "He's Ariel's father, isn't he?"

  It looked like he wasn't listening to me. "He is…" He said quietly.

  He took another step closer and I suddenly felt the urge to run. But the door behind me was closed and I was trapped.

  All the words I was going to say flew out of my head. Blake obviously knew about the effect he had on women, and right now, he was using it full force against me. No doubt, he was used to women gazing at him, ready to comply with his every wish. He would grace them with a knowing nod, followed by the weak smile, tell them a few compliments and easily get a right to spend a night with one of them. Despite his love for Rachel, I doubted there had never been a different woman in his life.

  We stared at each other in an odd way. I remembered the look he gave me last night when asking me for a dance. He wanted to dance with me, he knew I wasn't Rach
el and he still wanted to feel me closer.

  At first, it was a little strange to be so close to him, feel his breath on my face; see his eyes studying me; feel the sparks of attraction warming my heart. But all it took was to feel his embrace tighten and I became helplessly addicted to the dance we were sharing, as well as to the man holding me like I was the most precious thing in his world. But right now…

  I knew something inevitable was about to happen. With every heartbeat and every small step he took closer, I could feel the desire growing inside me. It was too strong to ignore it, not to mention fighting it, which was as impossible as to stop the sun from rising in the morning.

  He reached out one hand and touched my face.

  My eyes shut, afraid to look at him.

  His fingers ran across my chin and touched my lower lip.

  My heart missed a beat.

  Slowly, he wrapped one arm around me and let out a breath, as if holding me was something he had been wanting for a long time.

  My body froze, as if imprinted in that moment.

  His forehead touched mine, his chest pinned me to the door behind me.

  I was both excited and scared to face whatever was gonna happen next. A part of me knew he was feeling the same way, as if there was a battle happening in his head.

  Our breaths were shaking, hearts racing.

  I swallowed hard and moved my head, my lips searched for his.

  "Why are you still here?" He whispered into my mouth.

  "Because I seem to be unable to leave…" My voice wavered from the tension enveloping us.

  It was all he needed to hear to make the last move and finally capture my mouth with his.

  His lips were hot and soft; the kiss – fiery and passionate. He was giving all of him, but demanded so much more than I could give him in response.

  I wanted to pull away before I lost myself in him, but his hungry lips wouldn't let me move an inch, taking my every breath away.

  I had never been kissed like this before, neither had I ever felt that much wanted. We were all alone in the room and nothing seemed to be able to stop us from moving it to the next level, where I would be his and he would be mine, at least as long as one night lasted.

  But…

  He broke the kiss to take a deep breath; his hand rested below my ear, with the other one still wrapped tight around my waist.

  His eyes were closed, brows pulled together, as if he had been overthinking what just happened between us.

  His fingers slipped down the curve of my neck and he kissed me again, slowly this time.

  But when I was about to tell him he didn't need to stop or slow down, he said something that broke all the magic of the moment.

  "Rachel…" The name flew out of his mouth in a barely audible whisper. I more felt it on my lips than heard it.

  My senses tightened in a knot.

  The next thing I knew, his eyes flew open and he stared at me in realization.

  He saw my pain, I knew he did.

  "Eden, I…"

  "I gotta go." I pushed him away from me and ran out of the room as if it were on fire.

  I kept running until I knew I couldn't breathe anymore.

  I stopped and fell down to my knees; my hands grabbed the leaves on the ground.

  Tears blinded my vision and I didn't know where I was or how I got there.

  I could hear the sound of the running water. I must have been near the river. At the back of my mind, I could hear Reggie telling me about the river not far away from the house. I'd never been here before.

  The ground beneath my knees felt so cold, but I couldn't care less. I sat down on the foliage and cried even harder.

  How could I be stupid to believe he could feel something for me?

  He loved Rachel, he still loved her. So much, even kissing me he was thinking about her.

  Nothing of what I imagined mattered anymore. He would never step over his feelings for the woman who failed to love him back. After all this time, he was still that obsessed with her.

  I was such a fool searching for something that would never be mine. I could try every day, pretend I didn't care he wanted me to stay simply because I reminded him of the biggest love of his life. But sooner or later, or like tonight, my dreams would be broken by one name that was planted inside his heart and would live there forever.

  I meant nothing to him, when he, in return, became a very important part of my existence.

  Call it despair, if you want, but invisible wounds hurt so much more than those you can see. As well as ruined dreams that break harder than material things.

  If before tonight there was hope, now there was nothing to hold onto.

  I wiped my tears away and looked around. The wind was playing with my hair, but it was too cold to sit there in just a dress to cover my body.

  My senses were coming back, one by one, and I remembered my doctor's words who said I should have been more attentive to my body and health and stay away from everything that would bind me to the hospital bed again.

  I quickly stood up and wrapped my arms around myself. Going back home felt like the hardest thing to do, because Blake was there, probably looking for me to apologize. Not that his words would be enough to cross out the things I felt when he called me Rachel.

  I somehow got to the back door and opened it quietly. Fortunately, it wasn't locked and I could get to my room unseen.

  Just when I got to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, I heard the noise coming from the outside. I looked out of the window and saw Blake heading for his car.

  He got behind the wheel and started the engine. Then pushed the gas pedal and sped away from the house.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the wall.

  He's gone.

  For how long? Probably until he feels less guilty for what he had done. Intentionally or not, but he hurt me, and he knew it.

  "Eden? Are you okay?" Reggie walked into the kitchen. "Oh, Dear Lord, what happened to you?" She looked down at my dirty dress and shoes. "Come with me child, you are shaking!" She helped me get to my room and filled a bathtub for me. "Take off your clothes and I'll make you tea. You don't want to catch a cold, do you?"

  I sighed and sat down on the edge of my bed. "I sure don't."

  "Why did you go outside, all alone and that late at night?"

  "I…don't have an answer to your question. I'm sorry."

  "Oh…" She gave me a thoughtful look. "Is it about Blake? What did he do?"

  "Nothing. My 'walk' has nothing to do with him." I stood up and went to the bathroom.

  "Is that why he left the house a few minutes ago? Because your mood and state have nothing to do with him?"

  "Reggie, please… I don't want to talk about it."

  "All right. It's none of my business anyway. Who am I to nose into your lives, right?"

  "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that…I don't know how to explain what happened between us. I guess I simply saw something that never existed at all."

  I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, leaning against it.

  If only I could turn back time and stay away from Blake's room tonight… I'd rather dream about the dance we shared, still hoping to see the affection in his eyes one day. Instead, I'm standing here, all broken and lost, not knowing how to face the upcoming day and survive my staying under the same roof with the man whose voice made butterflies dance in my belly, knowing his heart would never belong to me…

  ***

  The night was long and sleepless. After taking a bath and drinking two cups of tea in a row, there was still no sign of sleep in my eyes. I stood at the window, looking into the night, with my heart overwhelmed with worry.

  My gaze traveled to the clock on the wall – it showed 4:30 in the morning. And Blake was still gone.

  Regret about the kiss was replaced by sudden guilt. I felt like it was my fault that the night ended up like that. I should have known better than to let him
kiss me, knowing how strong his bond with Rachel still was.

  I thought maybe I would call him and tell him to come back home and stop punishing himself from what happened in his room. I took my phone and scrolled down the list of contacts, looking for the needed number.

  Just then, a flash of light went through the window. I opened the curtain and saw a taxi coming to the porch.

  Guests? That early in the morning?

  But it was not a guest, but Blake who got out of taxi and slammed the door shut behind him. He slowly walked to the house, and I knew something was wrong with him.

  Oh, God… Did he get in a car accident? Is that why he returned home in a taxi?

  I grabbed a robe and put it over my pajamas, then hurried downstairs to make sure he was all right.

  But when I got to the hall, I saw the following: Blake was trying to take off his shoes, which was not easy to do, considering he could barely stand on his feet.

  "Are you drunk?" The realization hit me.

  He looked at me and smiled from ear to ear. "As sober as ever."

  "Right." I put my hands on my sides and watched his battle with the shoes.

  After a minute or so later, I gave up.

  "Let me help you." After the fight with the shoes was over, I wrapped one arm around his waist and said, "Don't you dare puke on the floor."

  He chuckled and wrapped both arms around me. "You are an angel, Eden. Do you know that?"

  "Yes. Now, let's take you upstairs."

  He didn't move an inch. "Will you stay with me?"

  "No way. But I'll make sure you fall asleep in your bed and not on the floor. Will that count?"

  He made a face. "Not really. Stay with me tonight, please."

  He smelled like whiskey and I wondered about the number of glasses he emptied before he got home.

  "Where's your car?"

  His brows pulled together in deep thought. "Somewhere…"

  "You don't remember where you left it?"

  He shook his head as a 'no'.

  "Okay. We will find it tomorrow. Now, let's go to bed."

  "Eden," he stopped me. His smile was gone; face deadly serious. "I'm sorry for being such an idiot. I never meant to call you Rachel."