My Epic Fairy Tale Fail

by Anna Staniszewski

  A few minutes later, I spotted Ilda’s gingerbread house at the edge of the village. The Monsterooster was strutting around the yard, pecking at everything in sight. This time he was wearing a blue bonnet, which he was trying to shake off his head.

  I hurried to the door before the rooster saw me and got scared all over again. I felt bad for the giant bird. Being Ilda’s pet had obviously made him terrified of everything. But I didn’t have time to think about saving poultry when an entire kingdom was at stake.

  Ilda threw open the door before I could even knock. Her pink kitten sweater had been replaced by a blue cardigan with bedazzled cowboy boots all over it. Seriously, she and my math teacher had to shop at the same store. It was also clear that Ilda chose the rooster’s bonnets to match her own outfits. Talk about animal cruelty.

  “You’re back!” Ilda said. “Have you given up so soon?”

  “No way. In fact, I already have two of the objects.” I patted my bag.

  “Really?” Ilda smiled and played with the clasp of her necklace. “Then why are you here?”

  “Because I’m not taking another step until you tell me what you know about my parents.”

  Ilda laughed. “Oh, my dear, what did I tell you about patience? I can’t spill everything just because you asked me to. First, you need to complete all the tasks. Those are the rules.”

  “They’re your rules,” I said. “That means you can change them.”

  She opened her mouth and closed it again. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Why not?” I demanded.

  For a second, Ilda actually looked at a loss for words.

  “Come on,” I pressed. “I’ve been waiting seven years to find out what happened to my parents. Don’t worry. I’ll complete your stupid third task. But first I need to know what you know. What happened to them? Where did they go? Tell me!” I realized I was practically screaming. Even Ilda looked a little stunned.

  “I do admire your determination.” She sighed. “Very well. I suppose it can’t hurt to tell you what I know.”

  She led me into her house, which was surprisingly cozy and smelled like hot cocoa. She pointed to a couple of rocking chairs by the fireplace, where a crackling fire was going. After seeing how run-down the rest of the land was, being somewhere so warm and inviting felt wrong. Then again, everything about the witch felt wrong.

  “Now,” she said, once we were both sitting, “where should I start?”

  “Tell me what happened when my parents came here. And tell me the truth. No more games.”

  “Of course not!” Ilda said, like the idea had offended her. She leaned back and peered into the fire. “I remember when I first met them. It was right after the king and queen’s transformation.”

  I bit my lip. Right. As if people spontaneously turned into furniture every day.

  “Your parents came and demanded that I undo the spell,” she went on. “But of course, I couldn’t simply do that. One of life’s greatest lessons is realizing you can’t have something for nothing. So I told your parents to make me an offer and we could work out a deal.”

  “What was the offer?”

  “There wasn’t one,” said Ilda. “Your parents refused. They said they didn’t negotiate with bullies like me. Can you imagine? Calling me a bully when I’d spent years stopping children from being cruel beasts?”

  Somehow I doubted the kids were the ones being cruel. “Then what happened?”

  Ilda smoothed down her corduroy pants. “I tried to reason with your parents, but they wouldn’t listen. And then, Poof! They disappeared.”

  I leaned forward. “What do you mean?”

  “Just what I said. One moment they were standing right here in my cottage. The next”—she snapped her fingers and sparks magically flew into the air—“they vanished.”

  “But why?”

  Ilda shrugged. “I’m afraid I have no idea. But I know one thing for certain: I didn’t cause it. They simply disappeared. I’ll admit I was relieved. After that, I could continue with my plan without interruptions. I always plan much better when I have peace and quiet.”

  The Monsterooster let out a pitiful wail in the yard.

  I clenched my fists into balls. I hated how lightly Ilda was talking about my parents vanishing. “So, why did you take the land’s magic? What do you need it for?”

  “That’s like asking why we pursue knowledge!” said Ilda. She pointed her finger, and the flames in the fireplace roared. She was clearly showing off how much magic she had. “Isn’t it enough to want something simply for the joy of having it?”

  She acted like stealing magic was the same as Dr. Bradley getting pleasure out of filling his house with junk. But Dr. Bradley would never hurt someone to add to his broken toaster collection.

  “So, that’s all you can tell me?” I said. “One minute my parents were here, the next minute they were gone, and you have no idea why they disappeared or where they went?” I couldn’t tell if she was lying or if that really was all she knew.

  “What did you expect, dear? That I’d draw you a treasure map? ‘X’ marks the parents? Where would be the challenge in that?” She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “But let’s be honest, Jenny. Have you ever considered that it might be too late to get your parents back?”

  I blinked at her. “What are you saying? Do you know where they are? Do you know if they’re okay?”

  Ilda slowly shook her head. “I wouldn’t know, of course. I already told you that I have no idea what happened to them.”

  I didn’t believe her. She clearly knew something. And, worse, she obviously thought my quest was hopeless. But it couldn’t be. My parents had to be all right. They had to.

  “After all these years, no one has been able to track them down,” Ilda added. “How can you expect to? You’re just a girl. Sometimes, Jenny, we need to learn our own limitations.”

  I couldn’t stand this conversation anymore. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get anything out of Ilda other than mind games disguised as life lessons. I jumped to my feet and headed for the door.

  “Where are you going?” she called after me. “I have one more thing to tell you about your parents.”

  Okay, that got my attention. I slowly turned around. “What?”

  Ilda stood up, smiling as always, her crossed teeth smudged with orange lipstick. “They told me about you, you know. They said this was their last mission, and they couldn’t wait to get back to their spunky little girl.”

  “What do you mean it was their last mission?’

  “They were retiring, leaving adventuring for good, so they could be with you. Sad how things work out sometimes, isn’t it?”

  I stared at Ilda. It couldn’t be true. Because if my parents had been planning to retire, my whole life could have been different.

  With that thought burning my brain, I spun around and ran out the door. I had to get away.

  Chapter Nineteen

  As I left the village behind, the witch’s words kept echoing in my head. Before I knew it, tears were dripping down my face.

  I brushed them away. No. I wouldn’t let her get to me. So what if my parents had been about to come back to me forever? That didn’t change anything. Not really.

  My mother’s bracelet felt hot around my wrist, like it was trying to remind me of just how much I’d lost.

  “Shut up, bracelet,” I muttered.

  I shook my head and kept going. I just had to focus on completing my mission. That was all I could think about. The sun was starting to sink toward the trees, which meant I had to hurry. As desperate as I was to complete the tasks, I wasn’t about to go charging up a mountain in the dark.

  Finally, I spotted a glass peak in the distance. It sparkled in the late-afternoon sun like a huge diamond. The closer I got, the more impossibly tall the moun
tain appeared. Its transparent sides went almost straight up toward the clouds. How on earth was I supposed to climb it?

  At the base of the mountain, I reached out to touch the glass, expecting it to be freezing. It was surprisingly warm to the touch. Now that I was up close, I could see that the mountain’s face wasn’t completely smooth. There were a few crags here and there, spots that I might be able to use as handholds.

  I spit on my hands, rubbed them together, and got to work. After a couple tries, I managed to jump up and catch hold of a tiny ledge with my right hand. Then one with my left. I kept climbing until I was about twenty feet above the ground. Suddenly, I couldn’t find anywhere else to grab on to.

  As I hung from my fingertips, scrambling to find a handhold above me, my brain refused to focus on what I was doing. Instead, I found myself thinking about my parents again.

  If my mom and dad were here, they would know how to climb this mountain. They’d been the best adventurers in history, after all. Past tense. Because no one knew where they were. No one even knew if they were still alive. What if Ilda was right? What if my search for my parents was hopeless?

  My legs started to slide under me, and my hand was getting so cramped that I didn’t think I could hold on much longer.

  I clenched my teeth until they felt like they were about to break. Somehow, I managed to lift myself up just a little higher until—success! This time, I found not only a crevice but an actual ledge wide enough to stand on. I crawled onto it and pressed up against the glass, trying not to look down.

  But my excitement was short-lived as I realized that above me, the rest of the mountain was now completely smooth. Not a single crack or crevice in sight. Unless I sprouted suction cups on my hands, I was stuck. Now what?

  Then I heard screeching.

  At first it was faint, but soon it grew louder and louder.

  Skree. Skree. Skree!

  I glanced over my shoulder and almost screamed.

  An enormous black bird was charging at me, its giant wings blocking out the sun. Its razor-sharp beak was easily the length of my entire arm.

  As the bird got closer and closer, my brain was frozen. I couldn’t climb. I couldn’t jump. I just stood on the ledge, not knowing what to do. For some reason, all I could think about was how disappointed my parents would be if I got myself killed by a prehistoric bird.

  Skree!

  The bird was only inches away. Its beak was aimed right at me. I had to do something! Finally, I convinced my legs to jump.

  I tumbled off the ledge and dropped through the air like a lump of clay.

  When I hit the ground, it took me a second to realize I wasn’t still falling. My body felt numb, almost weightless, and my eyes were swimming with black dots.

  “Anthony,” I mouthed, but no sound came out.

  I tried to blink the spots away, but they just got bigger and bigger, until finally my vision blurred completely and all I could see was blackness. Then I was dreaming of witches and trolls and giant birds playing mini-golf.

  Chapter Twenty

  When I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to remember why I was sprawled on the ground with a shining glass mountain towering over me, and why my body felt like someone had used it for batting practice. Then I tried to remember why Jasmine was kneeling next to me with a careful smile on her face and a buffalo-shaped yarn necklace around her neck. She hadn’t been there before, had she?

  I struggled to sit up, but my head was throbbing and my body tingled like all my limbs had fallen asleep and were slowly waking up.

  “Don’t try to move,” said Jasmine. “Once Anthony gets here, he’ll fix you up and take you home.”

  “Home?” I whispered. “No. I have to finish the tasks.”

  A pained expression spread across Jasmine’s face, and suddenly I realized the truth. There was no finishing the tasks. I’d attempted the third one, and I hadn’t even gotten halfway up the mountain.

  “I failed.” The words came out weak and strangled. I’d let the Land of Tales down. I’d let little Jack and his brothers and everyone else down. All the promises I’d made had been for nothing.

  Jasmine reached out and squeezed my hand. “It’s all right, Jenny. I saw how hard you tried.”

  “What do you mean? You just got here.”

  She shook her head. “I’ve been here all along,” she said. “I’ve been following you.”

  “That was you?” All this time I’d thought Ilda had been stalking me, and Jasmine turned out to have been the one watching me from afar. “But why?”

  “To deliver your elephant earrings?” she said with a weak smile that told me she was attempting a joke. Then her face grew serious. “The Committee members asked me to. That’s why they sent for me when I was at your house. They wanted me to keep an eye on you.”

  “You mean they wanted you to spy on me.”

  Jasmine started to object. Then she seemed to think better of it. “Well, I suppose that’s one way of looking at it. They were concerned, that’s all. This place is dangerous. They wanted to make certain you were safe.” Her smile faltered. “I’m afraid they won’t be too happy to hear about your fall. I should have acted sooner, done something to help you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I’m fine. And I’ll be a whole lot better once I find a way to get rid of Ilda.” Slowly, I managed to get to my feet, trying not to wince as my muscles screamed.

  Jasmine jumped up to help steady me. “That’s not your job anymore, Jenny.”

  “Of course it is. I can’t let that witch keep messing up this land.”

  “You made a promise, remember?” said Jasmine, finally letting go of my arm. “You told the people here that if you failed the tasks, you’d leave right away.”

  I swallowed. Yes, I’d made that promise, but I’d also made one to Jack and to so many others.

  “Princess Nartha contacted the Committee after you were at the palace and insisted that you leave her kingdom immediately if you failed,” Jasmine added.

  “But why?”

  “Because that’s what her people wanted and that’s what she promised them. There’s nothing else you can do.”

  My insides felt like they were deflating. Maybe it really was over. I’d tried the tasks and I’d failed. I’d tried to find my parents and I’d failed. What more could I do?

  An urgent Pop! rang out and Anthony appeared. For once he wasn’t holding any type of food, not even a diet snack. He just rushed over and pulled me into a hug.

  “Are you okay?” he said.

  “I’m fine.” I tried not to yelp as he squeezed me tight. It didn’t feel like I’d broken anything, but I probably resembled a bruised pear.

  After Anthony let me go, there were actually tears shining in his eyes. “When I heard you were hurt…all I could think about was that day when your parents…” He wiped his eyes.

  Just then, the most unwelcome sound I could imagine echoed above our heads: Skree! Skree!

  The bird with a capital B was back.

  “We need to get out of sight,” I said, glancing around for somewhere to hide.

  “Let’s get you home,” said Jasmine.

  “No! I can’t—”

  Before I could even finish the sentence, Anthony grabbed my hand. With a Pop!, the Land of Tales faded around us. After a moment of psychedelic spinning, we were back in my bedroom.

  Normally, I got a rush of comfort whenever I came home, but this time I felt empty. I stumbled across the room, pulled off my adventuring bag, and sank onto my bed.

  “You need to rest up,” said Anthony. “After the fall you had, some sleep will do you good.”

  “I don’t want to sleep.” The truth was, I didn’t want to do anything. I’d never felt like such a failure. I’d let an entire kingdom down. I’d let my parents down. I’d even let my friends down. M
aybe the Committee had been right to doubt me.

  “Here,” said Anthony, taking a pill out of his pouch of medicines. “Swallow this.”

  “I’m fine.” I tried to push his hand away, but I was suddenly so exhausted that I could barely lift my arm.

  “You’re not fine,” said Anthony.

  I wanted to argue, but I felt woozy. Either that, or the smiley-face stickers on my ceiling could actually dance. Maybe closing my eyes for a second wouldn’t hurt…

  Before I knew it, Anthony had slipped the pill onto my tongue. I tried to spit it out, but it had already started to melt. Surprisingly, it tasted like caramel.

  “Trust me, Jenny,” I heard Jasmine say as everything started to fade. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

  But I knew she was wrong. My bruises would heal, but I wouldn’t feel better. Not tomorrow, and probably not ever.

  Part II

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When I woke up, I was surprised to see Jasmine still sitting by my bedside. She was crocheting something that resembled a blue cockroach. I shuddered to think what it would look like as a piece of jewelry.

  “Where’s Anthony?” I said. My head felt heavier than a bowling ball, but the wooziness was gone.

  “He went to fill Dr. Bradley in on how you were doing.”

  “How am I doing?’

  “You should take it easy for a couple days, but you’ll be all right.” She looked up from her crocheting. “Oh, your aunt checked in on you a little while ago. I told her you’d sustained an injury during gym class.”

  I didn’t feel all right. My insides ached like I’d been trying not to cry for hours. “Anthony should have let me stay in the Land of Tales. Maybe Ilda would have let me try the tasks again.”

  Jasmine leaned forward. Her face was full of pity, as if she felt sorry that I couldn’t get the truth through my thick skull. “The mission is over, Jenny. They no longer want you there. Besides, what more can you do?”