Drowning In Love

by Beth Rinyu

  "Hey, guys!" Mia exclaimed upon seeing Mike and Stacy with their three-week-old baby girl. I hadn't met the baby yet and neither had Mia, so to say she was excited was an understatement. Mia quickly unlocked the door and let everyone inside.

  "We were just in the neighborhood and thought it was time for Brenna to meet her Uncle Travis," Stacy said she placed the baby in my arms. Mia knelt down next to me, taking everything about the baby in, unable to wipe the smile from her face.

  "She's really beautiful, guys. Good thing she looks like you Stacy." I made my best effort at a joke.

  Mike laughed, but I could see hurt in his eyes every time he looked at me. "Ah, you see that, Travis, you made her cry."

  "No, you didn't, Travis, it's time for her bottle,” Stacy said as she lightly smacked Mike on the arm.

  "Oh, can I feed her?" Mia asked.

  "Sure!" Stacy answered.

  Mia went over to the kitchen sink and washed her hands while Stacy prepared the baby’s bottle. She instantly stopped crying as soon as Mia took her from my arms. I had such mixed emotions as I sat there and watched her. She was beaming, never taking her eyes off the baby or the smile off her face.

  "You're a natural, Mia," Mike said.

  "I love babies. I could just watch them eat and sleep all day," Mia said.

  "Yeah, somehow I don't think you would be saying that when she's screaming her head off at 3 a.m.," Mike joked.

  "Wouldn't bother me one bit," Mia said as she gently placed the baby over her shoulder to burp her. "I love her name."

  "Thanks, that was a name I had picked out from the time I was a little girl. I always knew that I wanted it if I had a girl," Stacy said.

  "Oh, I have one of those too, but mine is for a boy. Jackson Samuel."

  "Jackson Samuel Montgomery. Sounds perfect!" Stacy said.

  Mia's smile became a mile wide while my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. As much as I wanted to give Mia that more than anything, I didn't know if that would ever be feasible. Mike looked at me, seemingly reading my thoughts as he quickly started up a new conversation with me about last night's baseball game. Mia and Stacy took the baby into the bedroom to change her diaper.

  "How you doing, buddy?" Mike asked.

  "Okay, I guess."

  "Well, I'm glad to see that things are going so good between you and Mia. She's really a great girl, Travis."

  "Yeah, I know," I said, sounding very emotionless.

  "Well, don't sound so excited about it."

  "Because I'm not, Mike. I can't give her what she deserves and I don' t know if I ever will. Did you see her face when she was holding the baby? It's what she wants more than anything."

  "Travis, man, it has only been a few months. Give it some time. You're getting more and more nerve sensation in your legs every day. I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before ‘that’ starts waking up too. She loves you, Travis. That is so apparent to everyone. Just be happy that you got her back for right now. Just deal with one thing at a time, man."

  I had gotten her back. But this wasn't how I wanted her back. I wanted to be able to give her all of the same things that I was able to before we broke up and I hated myself for not being able to do so.

  Chapter 52

  Mia…

  I sat on the edge of the bed, putting on my lotion before getting in. Travis was quiet for most of the night after Mike and Stacy left.

  I got under the covers and rested my head on his chest. “Today was a good day,” I said as I stretched my neck to kiss him on the cheek. He didn’t answer. “Travis, what’s the matter?”

  “Mia, what if we can’t have a baby together?”

  “What? Travis, why are you even thinking that way?”

  “Mia, I’m being realistic. I have to be. There is a good chance that if you stay with me, you may never have a child.”

  I didn’t want to think about the prospect of that happening. Travis was going to get better; there was no doubt in my mind. “Travis, just stop.” I went to kiss him on the lips and he moved his head away.

  “Damn it, Mia, stop ignoring what’s right in front of your eyes. I can’t have sex with the woman I love.”

  “Travis, it’s just –”

  “Mia, stop! I get that you’re trying to think positive and I really do appreciate that, but, baby, this may be it. This may be your life forever. Is this really what you want?”

  I didn’t hesitate, not for one second. “Yes, it is. I want you, Travis. Nothing else matters to me.”

  He shook his head as if he were still uncertain. I nuzzled closer to him and kissed him softly on the lips. He finally looked at me with sadness in his eyes. “I love you, Mia,” he whispered.

  My stomach fluttered. I closed my eyes and hugged him tightly. Travis was my everything; no matter what the future had in store, I couldn’t imagine mine without him in it.

  ***

  Another two weeks had passed and Travis seemed to be slipping into a deeper depression. I had attended his doctor's appointment and his doctor was very happy with the outcome of some recent testing that he had done, which made me overjoyed. Travis, on the other hand, seemed unaffected by the news. He was so impatient; he just wanted instant results. He was becoming so distant with me. So, I, in turn, just tried harder to get through to him.

  I had spent the night at Travis' and was readying myself to go to my niece's birthday party. I had wanted Travis to come along with me more than anything, but after asking him three times and all three times being told “no,” I finally gave up. I hated leaving him, especially with him being so down and out. I had secretly called his mother, who was going to pay him a surprise visit. I knew that he probably would have gotten angry with me for confiding in her about him, but I was concerned for him. I was hoping that maybe she could break him out of this slump that he was in.

  I finished dressing and walked over to Travis, who was doing something on his laptop. I stood behind him, bent down, and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm going to get going. I made extra chicken last night. It's in the fridge; just stick in the oven to warm it up." I kissed him softly on the neck. He pulled away like he was annoyed with me. "What's the matter?" I asked.

  He just shook his head. I sat down next to him. Clearly, something was bothering him and I didn't feel comfortable leaving until I knew what it was. "Travis, did I do something?"

  "Mia, I'm not a baby. I can take care of myself when you're not around."

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

  "It's okay, Mia, just go have a nice time. Enjoy yourself with your family."

  "I would enjoy myself more if you were coming along." I made one last ditch effort.

  His only response was a shake of his head. I got up and sat on his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. "I'll see you tomorrow?" His smile was like the first rain after a long drought. He nodded and ran his hands up my back, kissing me again with much more intensity. It had been a while since he had shown this type of affection to me and it made my insides smile. I pressed my forehead up against his. "I love you."

  "I love you too," he responded as if the words pained him to say. I walked out of his apartment, not quite knowing how to feel. I was getting such mixed emotions from him. It seemed like the more I tried to be there for him, the more he was pushing away.

  ***

  It was hard to believe that it was the end of June already and that my little niece, Paige, was four years old. It seemed like her birthday had just crept up on me this year. I helped my sister out, keeping the fifteen kids at the party entertained; but my favorite part was playing with my little niece, Emily. She was nine months old and just starting to form her own personality. Her smile made me smile and her deep belly laughs melted my heart. I couldn’t believe how much these two little girls had grown since the last time that I had seen them, making me realize that I really needed to make an effort to spend more time with them.

  It was nice to finally relax after all
of the kids had gone. Emily was down for a nap and Paige was passed out on the couch from all of the excitement of earlier.

  I helped my mom and sister peel the corn on the cob. My mom got up to check on my niece when she heard her stirring over the baby monitor. “Mom, she’s fine. She’s just turning over in her crib,” my sister said. My mother ignored her and ran up the stairs to check. My sister and I just looked at each other and laughed quietly. My mother was neurotic when it came to her grandkids.

  “Travis didn’t want to come?” My sister asked.

  I shook my head. I was trying my best not to think about him today and just to enjoy the day. Being with my nieces helped, but I still couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing.

  “Well, you look exhausted.”

  “Thanks!” I said rather sarcastically, knowing that was code word for “you look like crap.”

  “I’m sorry, Mia, but you do.”

  I put the piece of corn that I was peeling down on the table and began to unload everything on my sister. I didn’t leave anything out, including mine and Travis’ failed attempt at sex.

  “Mia, maybe he just wants to do this on his own. I mean, think about it; the world sees him as this strong, competitive man and now he can’t even walk. That’s got to be eating him up inside.”

  “I get that, but why is he pushing me away? I just want to be there for him.”

  “Okay, you’re probably going to get really pissed at me for saying this, but I’m going to say it anyway.”

  I took a deep breath in preparation of her words.

  “You couldn’t save Eric, so now you feel this underlying need to run yourself ragged trying to save Travis, when clearly he doesn’t want that.”

  She was right - I was pissed! “What! That’s not true, Tressa! And how dare you throw Eric in my face. My relationship with Travis has nothing to do with my relationship with Eric.”

  She softened her voice, trying to calm me down a bit. “Mia, all I’m saying is at some point you have to stop placing guilt on yourself.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked defensively.

  “The way you just get over stuff and forgive people. I mean, look when our father came to see you. You just forgave him like it was nothing, after he abandoned us.”

  “Tressa, he was dying!”

  “And do you think he would have cared if the situation were reversed? He wouldn’t have even known if one of us was dying.”

  “What the hell are you trying to say, Tressa, that if the situation were reversed that Travis wouldn’t be there for me?”

  “No - I don’t know what I’m trying to say. But, Mia, what Travis did to you was wrong. I stood by your decision to let it go and forgive him, but when I see you running yourself ragged because you feel that this was your fault that this happened to him, then I feel the need to open my mouth and say something. It’s not your fault, Mia. Travis did this to himself. It was his own guilt over what he did to you that caused this.”

  “Oh well, then I guess I should be honored that the ‘queen of unforgiving’ stood by my side when I chose to forgive the man who matters most to me in this world. Do me a favor and mind your own damn business, Tressa!” I got up and pushed in my chair. I was on emotional overload as I fought to hold back the tears. I never fought with my sister, so this was very hard for me. My mom had just walked downstairs with the baby. She stood there speechless, trying to figure out what had just happened.

  I walked out into the backyard where my brother-in-law and stepfather were deep in conversation.

  “Gary, can you please take me to the train station?”

  “Mia, I thought you were spending the night at our house,” he responded.

  I just shook my head. He didn’t ask any more questions once he saw the tears in my eyes. He just got up and took my bag as we walked off to his car.

  Chapter 53

  Mia…

  I submerged my body into the foamy bubbles of my tub and rested my head against my bathtub wall. It felt good to be alone and just relax in my own apartment. I ignored the phone calls from my mom and sister; I didn’t want to deal with that just yet. I was emotionally drained after my little disagreement with my sister this afternoon. I knew that she only meant well, but I knew what I wanted in life and it was Travis. It had nothing to do with me feeling guilty. I was planning on calling her to talk things out, but not just yet. For the moment, I just wanted to let the bath bubbles envelop me and take away my troubles. I closed my eyes and my mind began to wander. I hadn’t heard from Travis all day. I knew that he thought I was spending the night at my mom’s, but I thought that he would have least called to say goodnight. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, we were growing apart and I hated it. There was nothing I could say or do to make him feel better about himself. I reached my arm from the tub, grabbed my phone from the back of the toilet, and dialed his number. I wasn’t going to let him drift away from me so easily. He finally picked up after the third ring.

  “Hey, Mia.”

  “Hey, watchya doin’, handsome?” I was trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

  “Just got done running a marathon,” he said with a sarcastic edge to his voice.

  I hated how moody he was lately. Still, I tried to be my normal bubbly self. “Haha very funny. You just might be in a couple months from now.”

  He was silent.

  “I miss you,” I said, trying to keep up the conversation.

  “What time will you be home tomorrow?” Okay, not even an “I miss you too”? Ouch!

  “Actually, I am home.”

  “I thought you were staying –”

  “Yeah, I was supposed to, but it’s a long story.”

  “Oh, well, I’m really tired. I guess I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

  “Okay. I love you, Travis.”

  “I love you too,” he said as if it were an effort before hanging up the phone.

  I hung up the phone and looked down at the fading bubbles around me. I couldn’t help but compare them to mine and Travis’ relationship. Was that all that was left of us, remnants of something that once was?

  I awoke the next morning, feeling like I had been run over by a train. My throat was killing me and my head was pounding. I couldn’t even bring myself to have a cup of coffee. I chose tea instead, hoping it would help soothe the fire in my throat. I finally decided to call my sister. The fact that I was arguing with her didn’t make me feel any better, so I figured I would at least get that taken care of.

  “Hey, Tress, I’m sorry,” I said as she answered the phone, realizing that my voice sounded like a raspy seductress.

  “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to upset you, Mia. I’m just worried about you.”

  “I’m okay, I promise.”

  “What’s wrong with your voice?”

  “I don’t know. I woke up with a horrible sore throat.”

  “Well, you better get a doctor’s appointment if it gets much worse. When I had Paige at the doctor’s last week, he said that summer strep is going around.”

  “I will, I promise.”

  We talked for a little while longer. I felt much better emotionally after hanging up with her. I didn’t like being on the outs with her. She was my touchstone. I took a shower and dressed, trying to make myself look halfway decent. I looked sick and no amount of make-up was going to fix that. I finally gave up after applying half the bottle of concealer to the dark circles that were encompassing my eyes. I was just about to call Travis and tell him I was heading over, but then realized I couldn’t take another chilly phone conversation with him, so I would have a chilly one with him in person. At least then I could sneak a hug in whether he wanted me to or not.

  By the time I had arrived at Travis’, I looked like a drowned rat. It was a hot, humid New York day with thunderstorms that came in downpours, just as I was getting in and out of the cab. I stopped and picked us up some soup for lunch along the way. Even though today was not soup weather, it was the on
ly thing that I could even fathom getting down my throat. I took the elastic ponytail holder around my wrist and pulled my hair back into a ponytail before stepping off the elevator.

  Travis looked at me strangely when I walked through the door. “Mia, what happened to you?”

  “Well, let’s see, my throat is killing me, it’s about one hundred degrees with one hundred percent humidity and each time the sky would open up it was when I decided to get in and out of the cab.”

  “You sound horrible. Why aren’t you home in bed?”

  “Because I wanted to see you.” I walked over and gave him a hug. He hugged me back tightly, making me glad that I ignored the fact that I felt like death and came to see him instead.

  “I bought us some soup.” He began to laugh. Not the full-fledged laugh that I used to get from him, but at least it was something. “What are you laughing at?”

  “Your voice; you really shouldn’t be talking.”

  “You know that’s impossible for me.” I smiled.

  “Yeah, I do.” He smiled back.

  We sat down and ate our soup as I pried out of him how his physical therapy had gone this morning. I was elated when he told me that he had a meeting this week to talk about his business venture that he had put on the back burner since his accident.

  “Travis, that is awesome.”

  “Yeah, well I don’t know how awesome it will be since the owner of this potential swim school can’t even swim himself.”

  I put my spoon down and stared at him. “What?” he asked as if he were annoyed.

  “Can you please stop being so negative? It’s not helping the situation any.”

  “Oh, okay maybe it will make things better if I just pretend that one day I’m going to wake up and everything is going to be the way it used to be. Live in a fuckin’ fantasy world like you are, Mia.”

  My eyes began to burn with tears. “I’m not living in a fantasy world, Travis. I just happen to believe in you.”

  “Yeah, you believe in me so much that you had to call my mother and father over to babysit me yesterday? What do you guys think, that I’m that stupid and didn’t see that was a whole set up? Or maybe, the fact that you stopped living your life and are on the brink of physical exhaustion because you feel the need to be with me every second of your free time?”