Drowning In Love

by Beth Rinyu

  “Travis, that’s not true. I want to be with you all the time because I love you. Why can’t you see that?” The tears began to flow down my face. “Why are you being so mean to me, Travis? What did I do?”

  He shook his head and motioned for me to come over to him. He pulled me down on his lap and hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry, Mia, you didn’t do anything. I just want you to stop worrying a little less about me and a little more about you.”

  “Well, that’s hard when you love someone as much as I love you.”

  He kissed me on my forehead. “I love you too, baby. Did you take any aspirin? You’re burning up.”

  “Yeah, I took two before I left.”

  He touched my forehead with his cool hand. “You need to go lie down.”

  I didn’t really want to, but my body felt like it needed to, so I didn’t argue. I walked into his bedroom as he followed me in. “I could just go home and –”

  “Mia, just lie down.”

  I crawled into his bed. It felt like heaven when my head hit the pillow. It felt even better when Travis got in next to me.

  “Travis, I don’t want to get you sick.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He hugged me tightly and kissed me on the head. I didn’t need any medicine. The best medicine in the world was lying right beside me.

  Chapter 54

  Travis…..

  I held her tightly and listened to her labored, feverish breathing. She had no business being out today. She should have never gotten out of bed, but again her constant need to take care of me forced her here. I was feeling really bad for getting her so upset. I had so much on my mind. I pondered over what Jerome and I discussed during my physical therapy session today. I didn’t know what to do. I knew it would kill me to have to leave her, but maybe it was for the best. She needed to move on with her life with someone who could give her everything. I got a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about her with another man. But, I needed to do this if I ever wanted to walk again and I had to do it on my own. I looked at Mia, and immediately began to second guess myself. She was so beautiful; she was my angel and even though she wanted to save me, she couldn’t. I had to save myself.

  I moved a strand of her hair from her face. She was breaking out in a sweat as her fever was breaking. I smiled at her familiar sleep talking that she often did. I was going to miss that so much. I was going to miss everything about her so much. I pulled her to me and whispered in her ear, “Mia, baby, I love you so much. I just want you to be happy and as long as I’m in your life this way, you won’t be. I am the luckiest man alive to have been loved by someone like you.” I closed my eyes to fight the burning. “You will always be my girl.”

  Chapter 55

  Mia…

  It took almost a whole week before I was finally feeling one hundred percent. By Sunday morning, I was climbing the walls to see Travis. I hadn’t seen him all week. I was so tired after work with not feeling well that I just came home every night and crashed. I was so glad that I was feeling much better today. I missed him so much. Juan and I met for a quick cup of coffee and a bagel and I was on my way. I looked down at my watch. Travis would just be wrapping up his physical therapy. When I entered his apartment, I was surprised not to see Jerome, but instead, a pretty brunette. The two seemed to be very entertained by each other as the sounds of their laughter filled the air. I bit my lip and tried to put on my best fake smile. Travis turned around when he heard me enter. “Oh hey, Mia, this is Christine.”

  “Hi, Mia.” She walked over to shake my hand. “Travis was telling me all about you.” Okay, and would someone mind telling me just exactly who you are? “I was just filling in for Jerome today.” Not only was she pretty, but she reads minds as well. “Well, I have to run. It was great to meet you, Travis, and you too, Mia.”

  We said our goodbyes as I walked her to the door. I walked back over to Travis, sat down on his lap, and wrapped my arms around his neck. I kissed him softly on his lips and pressed my forehead against his. “Well, if that’s all it takes to finally put a smile on your face, then why didn’t you just say so,” I said half joking and half serious. I was a little annoyed that he wasn’t able to laugh like that with me anymore.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked as if he were clueless.

  “A pretty physical therapist.” He rolled his eyes at me. “Well, at least she can make you smile, because Lord knows I can’t anymore.” I knew I probably shouldn’t have said that, but I was feeling a little hurt.

  “Mia, really, you’re jealous over her? Well, you don’t have to worry about anything, you know better than anyone – it doesn’t work down there.”

  “Oh, so what are you saying, if it did, you might be tempted?”

  “What, no! Mia, what the hell is your problem?”

  I knew I had two choices: either shake my head and tell him nothing or chance getting into a knockdown, drag out fight and tell him how I was really feeling. I decided to go with the latter of the two and hope for the best.

  “I don’t know, Travis, I’m doing everything that I possibly can for you and I’m lucky to get a forced smile. She’s here for an hour and you’re laughing away like she’s your best friend, like you used to do with me. Travis, what did I do that’s made you so angry with me all the time?”

  “Mia, you haven’t done anything. It’s me. I can’t look at you without being reminded of all of the things I’m not able to give you, things that you deserve, and it makes me angry. I’m angry at myself and I take it out on you.”

  “Travis, don’t be. Everything is going to –”

  “Mia, I’m leaving,” he blurted out of nowhere.

  “What? Where are you going?”

  “To Los Angeles. Jerome was telling me about a doctor out there who’s supposed to be a miracle worker with my type of injury.”

  “That’s great. When do you think you will be coming back?”

  He looked away and was silent for a brief moment before facing me again. “I’m not coming back.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Wha –what are you saying?”

  “Mia, I can’t keep doing this to you. You don’t deserve to be trapped, taking care of me. You need to be living your life.”

  My eyes were burning with the familiar sting of tears. “I’m not trapped, Travis. I want to be here.”

  He shook his head. “Mia, I have never met anyone like you before in my life. You have the biggest heart and give so much to everyone else. You have been given so much crap in your life, but you still give with all that you have. That’s why I can’t do this to you anymore. Why can’t you see that you deserve happiness? You deserve to be with someone who can give you everything.”

  I was shaking with emotion. “Travis, I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you. I love you.”

  “Mia, I have nothing to offer you but pain.”

  I shook my head as the tears rolled down my face. “No, Travis, that’s not true.”

  “Mia, I look at you and think about what a great mother you’re going to make someday. I’m not going to deny you of that.”

  I was sobbing. He looked away as if it pained him. “Travis, that doesn’t matter to me. As long as I have you, that’s all that matters. I’ll wait for you, Travis, if that’s what you need – time alone - I will wait for you, for however long it takes. Just please don’t do this.” I felt myself getting panicked over the thought of losing him.

  “Mia, I don’t want that. I want you to move on with your life!”

  I stared at him, with tears rolling down my face. I knelt down next to him and took his face in my hands. “Travis, you are my entire world. I don’t want a life without you in it.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

  He rubbed my back and kissed me on the top of my head as I tried to catch my breath in between sobs. I raised my head from his shoulder. “Please, Travis, please tell me that you won’t go. I can’t lose you again – I’m beggin
g you.”

  He ran his hand though his hair and looked at me with tears in his eyes one last time before putting his head down. “I can’t, Mia.”

  “Travis, look at me!”

  He slowly lifted his head up and gazed into my eyes.

  “You will never know how much I love you and, I promise you, I will love you for the rest of my life.”

  He looked down again and placed his hand on his forehead. “Please just go, Mia.”

  I stood up on my shaking legs, staring at him one last time. I bit my lip and took a deep breath. I grabbed my purse and walked out the door with tears gushing from my eyes. I got into the elevator. Once the doors closed, I dropped to the ground and began to sob uncontrollably.

  Chapter 56

  Travis……

  It felt like someone had just kicked me in the balls when she walked out that door. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. The look in her eyes crushed me. I felt like such an evil person for hurting her this way, but I knew in the long run she would be thanking me. I had to head to L.A. and get out this place as soon as possible. I needed to get away from the memories of her and just focus on getting myself better. I knew that this was going to be the hardest fight of my life, but I was determined. Learning to walk again was going to be the easy battle; getting over Mia - that was going to be the hard part.

  Chapter 57

  Mia…

  I stepped out of Travis’ apartment building and onto the busy New York City streets, oblivious to anyone around me. I didn't care that it was a sweltering hot summer day and that the sun was cooking the back of my neck like a fried egg - I was numb to everything. I began to walk, not headed to anywhere in particular. I couldn't believe this had happened. He broke my heart again and this time beyond repair. After walking about fifteen blocks, I finally stopped off and grabbed an iced tea. I sat in the outdoor seating area, sipping it down while wiping away my tears. I loved him so much, why couldn't he see that it didn't matter to me? I had never felt so alone. I was so tired of being “Woe is me Mia” and burdening my family and friends with my problems. My sadness was quickly turning to anger. I hated Travis for doubting my love for him. I hated him for thinking he knew what was best for me and, most of all, I hated him for leaving me all alone. I wiped the last teardrop away, vowing not to slip into the same damsel in distress mode that I gotten into the first time we had broken up. It was so clear to me now - I wasn't meant to fall in love. I would never give the shattered bits of what was once my heart to anyone ever again.

  ***

  "Mia, why don't you come to dinner with me and Brian?" Juan coaxed. It had been two weeks since Travis and I broke up. I hadn't a clue if he was in Los Angeles or not and I really didn't care. I found that the more time that passed, the angrier I became at him. I kept my promise that I had made to myself and didn't shed any tears for him - at least not in front of my family and friends. But when I was alone, tucked away in the confines of my apartment, I would let it all out.

  "No, I'm really tired. I want to go home and relax. I've got a busy Sunday planned with my nieces tomorrow."

  "Well, would you mind locking up for me so I can run home and get changed?"

  "Not a problem." He kissed me on the cheek before heading out the door. I sat in comfortable silence for some time looking out the window at the people going by, wondering if any of them felt as low as I did right now. I was in such trance that I didn't even see Travis' mother coming through the door. My eyes immediately filled with tears upon seeing her.

  "Mia, I was hoping I could catch you before you left."

  I got up as she walked over to me and took me in her arms. Strangely, I didn't feel funny about showing my feelings to her, maybe because she may have been feeling the same thing herself.

  "It's okay, honey. You're going to be okay."

  "Why didn't he have enough trust in me to see how much I love him?"

  "Mia, he knows." It felt good finally to be able to break down to someone. "If you don’t have any plans, I would love to take you to dinner," she said as she wiped away a tear from my face.

  “Sure,” I responded.

  I locked up the salon and we took the short walk to the bistro-style restaurant up the street. After we placed our orders, she began to talk.

  “He left today,” she said gently. I bit my lip and looked out the window. “Mia, he did this because he loves you.”

  I shook my head. “If he loves me, then why doesn’t he want me to wait for him?”

  “Because he wants you to get on with your life.”

  “But I don’t want to get on with my life if it doesn’t include him. It doesn’t matter to me that he can’t walk. I always loved Travis for the person he was inside, not the gold medalist. Those things never mattered to me. All that mattered was us, not what he could give me.”

  I could see tears forming in her eyes. "Travis was right; you do have a beautiful heart. Mia, he always loved you, honey. When the two of you broke up the first time, he became this person that I no longer knew and it scared me."

  “If I had only listened to him and gave him a second chance, this probably would have never happened. I just wish I had enough faith in him to have believed him when he told me that."

  "Mia, you had every right to be upset with him for what he did. I was at a benefit the night that little witch Chloe concocted her whole plan. I never liked her from the beginning; the way she would hang all over Travis and make a spectacle of herself was just so unprofessional. I told Travis not to go along with it. Then when I found out that you were the girl and I had seen how much Travis had fallen for you, I wanted to choke her. I told Travis to tell you the truth, but he was too afraid of losing you."

  I bit my lip and wiped a tear away. "And he did anyway and now he can't walk because of it."

  "Oh, Mia, what happened to Travis has nothing to do with you. Don't blame yourself. But at the same time don’t ever doubt the love that Travis has for you. This is something that he’s got to get through on his own. He doesn’t want help from anyone. Not even me or my husband. He’s always been stubborn, ever since he was a little boy.”

  “I just don’t want to imagine my life without him in it. Travis did something that I never thought was possible after I lost my fiancé; he showed me how to open my heart and love again.”

  “And you did something for Travis that I never thought was possible. You showed him how to love too. Mia, Travis was a totally different guy before he met you. I never thought he would settle down with one woman and then you came along and became his entire world.”

  “I will never give my heart to anyone ever again.”

  She looked at me sadly. “You never know, Mia, maybe someday you and Travis will be right where you both belong again – together.”

  ***

  I had left a few of my things at Travis’. In my haste to leave that day, I forgot to give him back his key and he still had mine. I smiled deep inside, just knowing that, hoping that one day I would come home and find him sitting on my couch. Travis was right; I was living in a fantasy world and I needed to snap out of it. I had asked his mother at dinner if she would mind if I went and picked my stuff up. It was funny, how just a few weeks ago I felt so comfortable just walking into Travis’ apartment unannounced, and now I felt as if I needed permission to do so. I walked into the familiar place that now seemed so foreign. I could still feel his presence. I could still feel the love for him that was busting inside my heart. Standing here in his living room made me realize that he still had all of me completely, even though he was thousands of miles away. Time and distance would never erase the bittersweet memories. The more I tried to tell myself that it was over and that I was going to be okay, the more I found myself wanting him. I took a deep breath before walking into his bedroom, unable to fight the tears as I sat down on his side of the bed. I grabbed his pillow and hugged it tightly. Why couldn't he just let me be there for him? Why didn't he see that I loved him, no matter what? I thought
about him on the other side of the country, all alone, and it broke my heart. I had a sinking feeling in my chest. I knew that I needed to get out of here. I had to get away from the place that held the most memories of us. I grabbed the few things that I had out of the dresser drawer and placed them in a box. I was halfway out the bedroom door when I remembered the two pairs of shoes that I had in the closet. I walked into the closet and turned on the light. I looked around at Travis' clothes, seeing him just as if he were standing in front of me wearing some of them. My attention was drawn to his black winter coat, the one that he had on that horrible night at my apartment when we had broken up. I closed my eyes and held back the tears, remembering the look in his eyes that night. Why didn't I give him a chance? Why was I so quick to believe that bitch and let her ruin both of our lives? I took the coat from the hanger, sat down on the floor, and hugged it. “I'm so sorry, Travis. I'm so sorry for not giving you another chance.” I sat for some time, just clinging to his coat before I finally pulled it together; I stood up and placed it back on the hanger. I bent down to pick up the small black box that had fallen out of the pocket. My stomach dropped when I opened the lid. It was the most beautiful diamond ring I had ever laid my eyes on. My hands were shaking. I knew exactly for whom that ring was intended. He must have planned on giving it to me on the night I had last seen him wearing this coat, the night we had broken up. I quickly closed the lid; I couldn't look at it anymore. I cried even harder, thinking about how different both of our lives could be right now – this was all my fault. I went out into the kitchen and found a piece of paper and a pen. My tears fell onto the paper as I began to write:

  Dear Travis,

  It’s only been two weeks since you left, but it feels like eternity. It would have always been yes and it always will be. I told you that I would love you forever and I meant it.