Pew! Pew! - The Quest for More Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  Reese appeared in the doorway of the cockpit. “Looks too quiet. Anything showing up on the scans?”

  O’Neil’s eyes looked over his instruments, then he turned to Reese. “No. Not even a small rodent. It’s like this whole place is dead.”

  “Lovely place for me to retire to,” Reese smirked. “No pesky neighbors coming over to drink my alcohol.”

  Mia stood. “I’m going out to look around.”

  She brushed past Reese and opened the hatch. The blast of heat momentarily took her breath away. It smelled as bad as it looked. Pulling her collar up, over her nose, she proceeded outside.

  “Gah,” she choked, “this place smells like a two-day old sweaty ass crack! No wonder it’s dead!”

  Reese emerged from the ship and came up beside her. “I think I changed my mind about settling down here.”

  Mia let go of her collar and shaded her eyes from the blazing sun, sweat began to bead on the bridge of her nose and across her cheekbones. “I hope they get here soon. The longer I’m here, the more I hate it.”

  “I think this might be the lost level of hell.” Reese pointed at the dilapidated hanger. “Let’s go check that out.”

  Mia nodded and followed him over to the old building. Inside, it felt even hotter than standing in the direct sunlight. She walked over to a low bench next to the wall. Tools and parts were strewn about. All of them had a fine coating of dust blanketing them.

  “Sir?” Mia called over her shoulder, “I don’t think anyone has been here in a very long time.”

  “That’s not entirely correct, Commander.” A voice, not belonging to Reese, responded.

  Mia jumped and pulled her sidearm as she spun towards the voice. She found Eridik standing next to the captain with a weapon trained at his head.

  “Mind tossing that over here, please?” Eridik asked.

  “Yes, I mind.” Mia sneered.

  Eridik looked surprised. “You’d make me shoot your captain?”

  “You’d be doing me and the rest of the universe a favor.” Mia smiled but holstered her weapon.

  “Wow, she doesn’t like you much, does she?” he asked Reese.

  “I’m starting to get that feeling.” Reese shifted, his hands up.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw O’Neil sneaking up behind Eridik.

  “It’s not that I don’t like him,” Mia started, “It’s that, well, if he’s dead, I’m next in line to take over command. So, go ahead and blast a big ol’ hole in his over-inflated ego and promote me to captain.”

  Eridik and Reese both looked at her with their mouths open. Just as Eridik was about to say something, O’Neil tackled him from behind, sending his weapon skidding across the filthy ground towards Mia. She stopped it with her foot and bent over to pick it up. Holding the now grime-covered weapon out in front of her between her thumb and index finger, she grimaced.

  “Ew. You might wanna wash this off before you put it away.” Mia tried to hand it to Reese, but he held up his hands and waved her off.

  O’Neil wrestled Eridik until he was laying on his chest and O’Neil had pinned him with his knee. He clasped both of Eridik’s hands in his and looked around for something to secure him with.

  “Captain, could you hand me that rope over there, please?” Reese retrieved the rope, handing it to O’Neil who tied Eridik’s wrists together. Standing and brushing himself off, O’Neil looked around. “I hope he was alone.”

  “What have you done?” shrieked Tefeau appearing out of nowhere, with several armed guards poised to fire, standing beside her.

  “Where the hell are all these people coming from? I swear I just walked right by that spot!” Reese looked bewildered. O’Neil’s mouth dropped open as he gave a twice-over to the tall, long-necked, voluptuous figured Llamarian, her downy, peach-colored fur barely covered by the likes of a filmy negligee.

  “It’s a particle transport,” Tefeau looked around, first at Eridik and then to Mia.

  “Tefeau? Are you ok?” Mia attempted to run to her furry friend but was blocked by a big, burly dude with a heinous scowl.

  “It’s ok,” Tefeau ordered, “let her pass.”

  The guard stepped back and allowed Mia to hug Tefeau. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw O’Neil and Reese fall back from the line of guards.

  “What’s going on here?” Mia held her tight and whispered in her ear.

  Tefeau leaned back so she could look Mia in the eyes. “Well, about a solar year ago, I was broke and running from some bounty hunters on Dragh Straights. I stopped into a small cafe and saw a posting for a job. So, I applied and here I am.”

  Mia narrowed her eyes at Tefeau. “What was the job?”

  “Oh, well, nothing nearly as exciting as a Colonial Naval Officer.” Tefeau bared her teeth in a garish grin, the jewels implanted in her teeth glittering even in the dim light of the hanger.

  “Tell me,” Mia growled, dropping her hug and stepping back. “Now.”

  “Fine! The job was for their sex goddess.” Tefeau crossed her arms, the smile vanishing from her face.

  “A sex goddess?” Mia’s jaw dropped.

  “Not just ‘a’ sex goddess! How cheap do you think I am? I’m THE sex goddess for all of Anoupi, silly!”

  “Did someone say sex?” Reese perked up. O’Neil wet his lips, still staring at the magnificent creature before him.

  “Stow it, sir!” Mia snapped. “Tefeau! If you were in trouble, why didn’t you contact me?”

  “I had it handled. Well, until now.”

  Mia looked around. “For someone who is being held for ransom, these guys seem to be under your orders.”

  “Oh, they are! These are my personal guards.” Tefeau beamed and patted the closest guard on the arm with her paw, then began massaging his muscles and purring.

  Mia snapped her fingers in Tefeau’s face, drawing her attention away from the blushing guard. “Focus. Explain the ransom. Who is Eridik and why did we need to bring 100 tonne of Phinkies to trade for you?”

  Tefeau cleared her throat. “Well, it wasn’t really to trade. More like delivery.”

  Mia stepped forward, grabbed Tefeau by her upper arms and glared at her. “Tell me this was an actual emergency and I didn’t just throw away my whole career over something stupid.”

  “It’s not stupid! I had a horrible craving for Phinkies. I would have sent one of my beloved minions for them, but all our ships are sub-light and it would have taken them too many solar weeks to fetch them for me. The only person I knew with a ship fast enough was you, Mia. Well, you and the bounty hunters, but there was no way I was going to ask them for help. On account of them wanting me dead or alive and all that. But, mostly dead.”

  Mia let go of Tefeau and turned her back on her friend. She clasped her head in her hands and screamed, letting out years of frustration she’d kept bottled up. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning, she found Tefeau wide-eyed and staring at her.

  “But, Mia,” Tefeau gave her the sad, helpless look that always melted Mia’s heart, “without you, it would have taken forever. And you know how I get when I’m impatient.”

  Chapter Eleven: Thor’s Balls

  An anger began somewhere deep inside of her, slowly building until it exploded, causing Mia to lunge at Tefeau. She wrapped her long fingers around her friend’s furry throat. Wide-eyed, Tefeau stepped back and tripped over a discarded piece of rusty equipment. They toppled over, Mia landed on top of Tefeau in a wiggling mass of arms and legs.

  “Mia! It’s OK! I can get you a job in my temple.” Tefeau fought to pull Mia’s iron grip from her neck.

  “It’s not about a job, you damn llama!” Mia fought back the tears of anger brimming in her eyes. “It’s about you lying to me again and again. And all those times you tricked me into saving your furry ass. And you using guilt to coerce me into going along with your hair-brained schemes. Not once did you ever think about the consequences it would have on me and my life.”

  “I get it,”
Tefeau choked. “You want some of the Phinkies. I can give you a box or two. Please, Mia. You’re hurting me!”

  Mia felt hands grab her by the arms and lift her up and off Tefeau. Reluctantly, she released her hold on the llamanian’s long neck. Once she was back on her feet, she shrugged off Reese and O’Neil’s hands.

  “I’m fine,” Mia muttered, glaring at Tefeau.

  “So,” Reese looked from Mia to Tefeau, “how does Eridik fit into all of this?”

  Tefeau, petting her fur back into place, looked over at the bound and squirming man. “Oh, he’s one of my courtesans.”

  Reese and O’Neil smiled at each other. “Sounds like the perfect job for you, skipper,” O’Neil joked.

  “Naw,” Reese pointed his thumb towards Mia. “It’s a full-time job keeping this one out of trouble lately.”

  Mia’s expression went from anger to shock in an instant. “Keeping me out of trouble? How many times have I had to bail you out of some corrupt government’s jail because you broke half of their laws? Or the time that king wanted to castrate you for impregnating all of his daughters?”

  “It was half of his daughters,” Reese grinned then winked at O’Neil who chuckled behind Mia.

  “Thor’s balls!” Mia groaned and rolled her eyes at him.

  “Captain,” O’Neil interrupted, looking at his communicator. “You should probably get those crates unloaded and head back to the ship.”

  “If you’ll show my guards where they are, they’ll unload them,” Tefeau offered, keeping her distance from Mia.

  Mia gave her a sharp nod, turned on her heel to head out of the hanger and to their ship with the guards in tow.

  Reese reached out and grabbed O’Neil and pulled him along. “I need you on the ship more than she needs another courtesan.”

  “You never let me have any of the fun,” O’Neil pouted.

  “Nope, I’m selfish like that. Now quit yer complaining and get my ship ready for launch like a good little space pirate.” Reese smacked O’Neil on the butt and cracked a wide smile.

  “Such a tease,” O’Neil swatted at his hand before dashing ahead and climbing into the ship.

  Reese walked to the rear of the ship and found Mia leaning against the bulkhead with her arms crossed and watching the guards carrying out the three cases of Phinkies.

  “You good?” He nudged her with his shoulder.

  “Yeah, just feeling a little betrayed, I guess,” she shrugged. “I should be used to it by now.”

  “Know what helps with that?” He leaned against the bulkhead next to her.

  She looked up at his with a doubtful expression. “I’m afraid to even guess.”

  “Lots and lots of alcohol followed by a mind-numbing amount of sex.”

  She looked down at her feet to hide the grin she couldn’t stop from spreading on her face. “Well, that might work for you. But I’m afraid that doesn’t for me.”

  “You never know until you try.”

  “Naw,” she looked up at him, “I think I’ll pass. It’s a personal rule that I don’t mix business with pleasure.”

  “You don’t even mix pleasure with pleasure, Commander. You only get one ticket to ride this adventure train of life. Are you going to use yours? Or are you going to stand at the station and watch it leave without you?”

  “Wow, you must be really ancient. The last train-like vehicle stopped running over a hundred years ago,” she laughed.

  “Now you’re just being mean,” he grabbed his chest and pretended to be wounded.

  Mia looked beyond him and saw Tefeau walking towards them. She groaned. The last crate being carried by two guards passed by them on the way down the ramp. Tefeau waited for them to clear the ramp before she approached.

  “Mia, I didn’t want you to leave before I could apologize and thank you for risking everything.” Tefeau looked at her with sad eyes.

  “Tefeau, I hope you have finally found your happy place in the universe.” Mia pushed off from the wall, turned and headed for the cockpit. Behind her, she could hear Reese saying his goodbyes.

  Mia plopped down in the seat next to O’Neil. “How long before we’re off this putrid planet and docking with the Falderal?”

  “Well,” O’Neil glanced over his shoulder to the back of the ship. “As soon as the captain stops the chit chat and closes the ramp, about half an horae.”

  “Button up the hatch, Captain,” Mia yelled back, “we’re lifting off in three!”

  The sound of the ramp closing with a metallic clank and then the hiss of it sealing shut filled the tiny ship. As soon as the indicator light changed to green, O’Neil began his take-off procedures. Moments later, Anoupi was behind them and the deep blue of the sky filled the cockpit windows.

  “I’m gonna miss that place,” O’Neil said with a crooked grin.

  “At least one of us will,” Mia shot him a dirty look.

  Chapter Twelve: Pirate Birthright

  O’Neil powered down the craft and looked over at Mia. “Home, sweet, home.”

  “Wonder how long it’s going to be before command comes to throw my ass in the brig.” Mia sighed.

  Reese joined them in the cramped cockpit, his large frame making it feel even more tight. “Probably awhile.”

  “But,” Mia looked up at him from her seat, “I forced you and the ship to abandon our mission and do all that illegal stuff!”

  Reese looked at O’Neil. “She just doesn’t know how the game is played, does she?”

  O’Neil laughed. “Nope! But she’ll learn.”

  “Come on, Commander, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee and we’ll discuss your reprimand in the ready room.” Reese turned and headed for the hatch. He turned back around and gave her an intense stare. “You don’t happen to have any more crazy friends from your past that are going to pop in sometime and crash our party, do you?”

  Mia thought for a moment. “No. I don’t think so.”

  O’Neil stood up. “Good, cuz I sure don’t like surprises.”

  “Well,” Mia winced, “there might be one. But I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”

  Reese shook his head and turned to head back to the hatch. “Come on. I’m tired of being on this tiny ass ship.”

  Mia rose out of her chair and followed O’Neil out of the cockpit. They joined Reese on the deck of the shuttle bay.

  “If you aren’t needing me for anything else, Captain, I’d like to go shower and get this Anoupian grime off me.” O’Neil sniffed at his shirt and winced.

  “You might wanna burn that uniform.” Reese nodded and motioned for Mia to walk with him.

  “So, about this reprimand, sir,” Mia started. “Is that going to be like confined to my quarters until you turn me in to Colonial Command?”

  “I was thinking something along the lines of ordering you to accompany me on all future away missions.” He smiled and draped his arm over her shoulders.

  Her eyes widened. “I don’t know. Keeping your ass out of trouble really is a full-time job.”

  “If you were with me, maybe I wouldn’t be getting into so much trouble.” He guided them across the bay, towards the doors that would take them out into the main corridor.

  “Beg your pardon, sir,” she looked at him, contemplating, “but trouble seems to be drawn to you like energy into a black hole. There’s no escape from its deadly grasp.”

  “Then I guess we’re stuck with each other,” he chuckled. “Commander Trouble.”

  She smiled. “So, Captain Adventurous, where to now?”

  “Well,” he started, “it’s a couple of solars until we get back to garbage duty. There’s no telling what sort of adventure might cross our path.”

  “Here’s hoping,” she chuckled.

  He grinned at her. “Yes, here’s to hoping!”

  “You know,” she stopped and tilted her head to the side. A sly smile spread across her glowing face. “I’ve been giving some serious thought about that whole pirate thing.”

  Reese took
his arm from her shoulder and stared at her. “Please tell me you are considering it. Please? Please?”

  Mia chuckled. He reminded her of an overeager pupling she’d once had before she landed in the orphanage. “Yes, I have. I’d rather pour a barrel of mining sludge over my head than spend another day on garbage duty.”

  Reese looked almost giddy. “Seriously?”

  “Yep,” she started walking towards the lift again. “Who am I to turn my back on my ancestors? I should learn to embrace their legacy, right?”

  Reese stood there, his mouth hung open until he found his wits. “I get the feeling there is a whole lot you haven’t shared.”

  She called over her shoulder as she broke into a run, “Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you the story of my notorious pirate birthright.”

  A grin spread across his face as Reese sprinted to catch up to Mia. “Only top shelf for my best commander.”

  “Today is the start of a new life for the soon to be feared HMS Falderal and her brave pirate crew!” she announced and raced towards the lift with Reese on her heels.

  “Looser has to call command and tell them we won’t be reporting for duty! Ever!” Reese shouted as he passed her.

  Mia laughed and charged after Reese. “We’ll let them figure that out on their own. We have planets to pillage, riches to acquire, and heinous reputations to create!”

  “To heinous reputations!” Reese shouted as he bolted into the lift, panting, Mia right behind him.

  “And a new career,” she laughed breathlessly, as the lift doors closed.

  THE END

  — — —

  Want to read more by TM Toombs?

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