My name is Durex

by Umair Sheikh

  [1] Little secret. In this context it’s used to address a girlfriend of a married man.

  That makes sense! Durex nodded.

  “Sister Sussan, what you said does not make sense.” Xiao Zhou also rejects her statement, “Can love be eaten? If marriage is a grave, then a marriage with love is only tantamount to a small mound, its uncomfortable to sleep, let alone when it thunders and rain… it’ll leak.”

  A mound? Durex was frighten.

  “Xiao Zhou, what you said is absolutely right!” Da Zhou on the side also joined the discussion, “Even though it’s a small mound, but at least there is a place for you. Compared to your husband having mistresses, lying inside the luxurious tomb is better than having your body left in the wilderness.”

  Luxurious tomb … … what metaphor is this ah!

  ⊙⊙b

  “What Da Zhou said is right, you know to marry a handsome, rich husband, how many opponents you will encounter? You have to be aware of the company’s Xiao Mi, business entertainers, even a younger cousin! Haven’t you seen those shows on TV, as long as the men are rich and powerful, every woman will be like flies biting on rotten egg, left will be saying biao ɡe[2], while right will be calling darling, it disgusts me ah! Who knows, one day you will come home and discovered your husband’s illegitimate child that has made soy sauce![3]“

  [2] : a son of father’s sister or of mother’s brother or sister, who is older than oneself; older male cousin

  [3] The author is basically trying to say the process of making soy sauce is the length of a rich having an illegitimate child.

  When Jie Sussan finished, everyone nodded: “There are many woman circling a rich man, it’s a competitive pressure environment, as we are not scheming and don’t have the beauty of a fox spirit[4], sooner or later we would be made redundant.”

  [4] 狐狸精 Hu Li Jing are Chinese mythological creatures who can be either good or bad spirits. However, in modern time, the term huli jing is a derogatory expression describing a woman who seduces a married or otherwise romantically involved man (a “home-wrecker”).

  “Lay-offs are good, at least it’ll eventually pay-off! When a home-wrecker snatches your husband, who knows you might not even have the chance to be fired!”

  Durex listened until her eyes widened, is there really do such a thing?

  What you hear may be false, but seeing is believing, while Durex still have doubts the authenticity of those words, a real-life case have occurred on her own body.

  At night, when Durex got home, approaching the living room, she saw a seven or eight year old little girl sitting on the couch, she was dressed in a pink lace dress, very cute.

  The words her colleague spoke during lunch all came rushing out at once.

  Xiao Mi? Her age seems a slightly too young.

  Mistress? The President shouldn’t have a Lolita fetish.

  Cousin? Base on the President’s age, his cousin shouldn’t be so young.

  Could it be … …

  Durex’s mind suddenly flashed through the ages being spurned by countless of married women, forever tied by scandalous word, countless marriages from hell, two big awful words——illegitimate daughter!

  At the same time Durex’s expression was ever-changing, sitting on the sofa, the little brat have already took noticed of Durex, she held out her hand, using her short finger’s pointed towards Durex, in command-like tone: “You, come here.”

  “Me?” Durex regain her consciousness and shuttered over.

  Walking nearby, little brat said with a straight face: “Why are you staring at the Princess?”

  What a competitive aura! Durex was surprised, “I … … I think you’re cute……” she was just looking for an excuse.

  Hearing this, the little brat seemed very pleased, her straight face appeared to have relaxed, her eyes sweep Durex up and down: “You servant surely know how to talk! Are you new here?”

  Servant?

  Durex was completely embarrassed, what part of her that looked like a servant? She only dressed a little plain, “Little kid, I’m not……”

  The little brat interrupted her and asks, “Hey, where is my cousin?”

  Durex still didn’t understand: “Who is your cousin?”

  “Why the new one here are so stupid?” The little brat proudly stared at Durex, “I’m telling you, my cousin is your master, so I’m also your master! Quickly tell me where did my cousin go?”

  So it turns out that a cousin can suddenly appear in the rich families, Durex finally believed it.

  At this time, Housekeeper Yu suddenly appeared, “Miss, Master have gone to the United States on a business trip, he will be back in a few days.” After he finished speaking, he then turned to Durex and said, “Madam, this is master’s cousin, Princess Hao.”

  Princess Hao?

  (⊙o⊙)

  Indeed such a very nice Princess!

  -_-|||

  Durex amid in silence when Xiao Zu Zong’s[5] face suddenly changed, she aggressively asked, “Housekeeper Yu, what did you call her?”

  [5] 小祖宗 xiǎo zǔ zōnɡ: Could be a phrase used to refer someone who admires you, however in this context, I believe it used to insult this little Princess.

  “Miss, I would like to introduce you to our Madame.” Housekeeper Yu said.

  “You’re saying she’s Chun Ge Ge’s[6] wife?” Xiao Zu Zong squinted toward Durex sweeping her up and down, suddenly let out a sound, “I don’t believe it! Chun Ge Ge isnt so blind!”

  [6] : Elder brother

  Durex’s face broke down, having others criticize her was enough, however having a seven or eight year old little devil despise her is too much! She squatted down and patiently said: “Little kid, you can’t just say that, you shouldn’t merely judge a person by their appearance, the most important thing is to see the inner beauty of……”

  “Inner beauty?” Xiao Zu Zong disdainly stared at Durex, “You know how to say inner beauty in English?”

  sutekii: The following words in italic are written in English within the novel.

  English? Durex was embarrassed, is it nei zai mei?

  Seeing Durex speechless, Xiao Zu Zong became more complacent, “Bet you think you have inner beauty? You don’t even know how inner beauty is spelt in English, I see your type of people,really not worthy of my dear cousin.”

  When she finished speaking, Durex almost passed out, who was wicked enough to teach her this bird language?

  As her eyebrows were twitching, Xiao Zu Zong yelled once again: “Look at you, which part of you is worthy of my cousin? I think you might be more suitable … …” her big eyes rolled around, and stared at the trash in the corner, “you’re more suitable to that!”

  Once that sentence was spoken, Durex finally collapsed.

  You’re the trash! Your whole family is trash!

  At least now she is nominally the President Madame, how can she let a little brat belittle her? Durex was angry, she also no longer cared about protecting the motherland flowers, her expression changed and was frighteningly: “You say it once more and I’ll beat your ass!”

  Unexpectedly, Xiao Zu Zong was not so scared, but the sight of Durex raising her hands made her cried, and once she cried, the crying just got worse, tears and snot combined. It was pitiful as if a sheep was bullied by the wolf.

  “Don’t cry!” Durex urgently pretend the motion, if the little brat continued to cry like this, does she really have to beat her? It won’t be right, “I was playing with you, don’t cry … be… good……”

  Xiao Zu Zong ignore her and continued to cry.

  A doll coupled with a soybean face, such a pitiful expression even Durex couldn’t bear seeing her like this, “Don’t cry, whatever you want I’ll agree to it!”

  “Really?” Xiao Zu Zong stopped crying, her face was still fill with tears, however she looked appealingly at Durex.

  Durex gritted her teeth and decided: “It’s
true!”

  “Then I want you to divorce my cousin!”

  “This……”

  “Wow … … You lied to me!” She started crying again.

  “Okay, okay, okay! Divorce it is, don’t cry!” Durex was anxious and sweating, this Xiao Zu Zong, she must owed her in the previous life.

  Unexpectedly the little brat still continued to cry, crying and shouted: “I don’t believe it! What if you lie to me, then what I do?”

  “I won’t lie to you!”

  “Do you swear?”

  “…… I swear!”

  “If you don’t divorce with my cousin, then the son you give birth to will have no asshole!”

  “……” Durex’s mouth twitched, seeing Xiao Zu Zong ready to make her next wave of tears, she finally made her decision, “I swear!”

  “You said it!” Xiao Zu Zong suddenly restrain her tears, then smiled, “don’t lie to children!” Then, she happily skipped away for dinner.

  Durex left stood stunned! KAO[7]! So it turns out the President’s entire family are black belly!

  [6] KAO is used for emotional release or expression. Thus I think these scenarios could be all acceptable, for instance:

  Oh, my god, he is coming now.

  Damn, he destroyed everything

  F*ck, he is really a smart asshole.

  Later, Durex found out from Old Yu that Princess Hao had just started summer vacation, she noisily cried for her cousin. Tired of the constant plead, her parents sent her here and said it’s best if she stay here for a long time.

  After hearing the news, Durex was very distressed. Just staying with this Xiao Zu Zong for two days, her life will be finished!

  When it was dinner time, Durex fed her, however she only ate a few bites, and then ran out to play, so being the babysitter she also had to run behind the little Princess with bowls in her hands, in the end she didn’t even finish a decent meal.

  Finally after she ate her dinner, Xiao Zu Zong said she wanted to role play the Monkey King[7] subdus the White-Boned Demon[8], naturally Durex end up with the role as the pitiful White-Boned Demon. She was chased and toss, in the end pitiful Durex couldn’t raise her temper.

  [7] Sun Wukong, also known as the Monkey King, is a main character in the Chinese classical novel Journey to the West. In the novel, he is a monkey born from a stone who acquires supernatural powers through Taoist practices. After rebelling against heaven and being imprisoned under a mountain by the Buddha, he later accompanies the monk Xuanzang on a journey to retrieve Buddhist sutras from India. Link

  [8] : White-Boned Demon is a shapeshifting demoness, and in her true form she is depicted as a skeleton. For more info Link

  At least the White-Boned Demon had a great body, right?

  She rather work a ten-day shift then accompany this child!

  When Xiao Zu Zong was finally tired after playing and was willing to go to bed, every part of Durex’s muscle was tired and twitching, she softly laid on the bed in a daze.

  Going through this day has truly been a thriller!

  However, the more frightening thing was yet to come, when she tiredly closed her eyes and was ready to doze off, her “midnight call” rang again. Pressing the button, she heard the President’s rustic voice: “Tomrrow morning at ten o’clock, come pick me up at the airport.”

  Chapter 23: Durex who got dragged down

  When DLe Si finally understood what happened, only a busy “beep” signal was heard at the other end of the phone. The President suddenly inexplicably called, with no rhyme or reason to finish his sentence then hanging up the phone.

  This time, DLe Si was in a dilemma.

  Although there’s no doubt her current status is Madame President, but when she agreed to the marriage, the President didn’t mention she had to do such things as picking him up from the airport, right? Besides, when there’s obviously so many luxury cars, it shouldn’t be hard to find a driver to drive him back? Why does it have to be her?

  What made DLe Si most angry was that the extremely rich President wanted her the poor woman to spend her own money traveling to the airport! Too stingy!

  And being with the President for such a long period of time, DLe Si gradually discovered more of the President’s capitalists side have emerged.

  As the saying goes the higher authorities have policies, the localities have their counter-measures, in order not to become an object of a capitalist’s exploitation, dead or alive DLe Si decided she will use the President’s car to pick him up!

  The old saying goes, wool from the sheep! Although the President is a Tiger, however it’s still a woolly animal, occasionally pulling two strands is no problem.

  So, early next morning DLe Si went to find the chauffeurs, there was only the long-term chauffeurs who reside at the mansion on stand by.

  Searching for a long time, she didn’t find anyone, expect the little buddy Xiao Fang washing the cars.

  “Xiao Fang, where’s Lao Fang?” DLe Si asked.

  “Lao Fang have asked for leave to return home to attend a blind date.”

  Come on … … did she really have to take the taxi ah? No that won’t do, that a dozen of notes, DLe Si rolled her eyeballs towards Xiao Fang who was the car.

  “Xiao Fang ah… …” DLe Si smiled insignificantly, “do you have a driver’s license?”

  Xiao Fang was frightened by DLe Si plaintively glance: “Ma… Madame… what do you want?” It seems like a local tyrant was bullying a virtuous young woman.

  This abusive expression stimulated DLe Si’s Queen factor: “Nonsense! Quickly speak, do you have a driver’s license or not!”

  “It seems… I… do… have… one”

  “Seems to be on you!” DLe Si finished speaking and hastily proceeded to pull Xiao Fang into the car.

  “Move! Let’s go to the airport!”

  “Madame… … I haven’t driven in a long time… … surely my driving wouldn’t be smooth……” Xiao Fang felt extremely troubled.

  “You haven’t driven in a long time? It just happens to give you a chance to practise before you forget! Besides, you have the same surname as Lao Fang, just one glance and you’ll know how to drive a car! It can’t be wrong!”

  “……”

  So like this way, whether intimidation or threats by DLe Si the poor Xiao Fang who was responsible washing the car was forced to become a chauffeur.

  Sitting in the car, DLe Si’s heart was pull of pride! Luckily Xiao Fang knew the place locally, and got him as the chauffeur, otherwise she would have suffer a great deal! It appears pulling out the President’s Tiger fur is going fairly smoothly.

  In smugly thought, seconds and minutes pasted quickly… …

  Two hours later.

  “Xiao Fang, where are we?” DLe Si looked at the vast tracts of farmland outside the window, the gently breeze blow over, a variety of crops messy danced in the wind.

  Oh my god, what the hell is this place?

  Xiao Fang sat in the driver’s seat like a quail: “Madame… … this… … I don’t know … …”

  That’s right! Comrade Xiao Fang first time being a chauffeur have driven the wrong way!

  “You’re … really…” DLe Si was in a hurry, looking at the time… it’s almost 10 o’clock, what should she do? “Quick! Drive back to the original route!”

  Xiao Fang plaintively stared: “Reporting… to… Madame… … we’re out of gas … …”

  “You!” Durex completely collapsed, “How are you a driver!”

  “Reporting to Madame… … I’m just responsible for washing the cars … …”

  “……”

  Turns out, a Tiger’s fur cannot be drawn, a big event will happen! Now, DLe Si can only stay in a car with no gas and idyllic daze at Xiao Fang who sat at the front.

  At this time, an old farmer happens to pass by, riding on a bicycle with a box of vegetables and a duck on each side of the frame.

  DLe
Si got off the car in a hurry and asked: “Uncle, do you know where’s the airport?”

  The old Uncle stopped and called out: “You asking what fun thing there is to do here?”

  “I asked: Where——is——the——air——port” DLe Si also called out like the man.

  “Oh! You asking where’s the chicken farm?” The old Uncle was suddenly enlighten, and yelled, “well we don’t raise chickens here, however we ——raise——ducks.” When he finished speaking, afraid that DLe Si didn’t understand, so he reached out and pointed to his duck in the basket.

  The duck in the basket stretches out his neck, the duck’s eyes and Durex’s human eyes stared at each other for a few seconds, when it suddenly quaked twice.

  ……

  This time, DLe Si was thoroughly embarrassed.

  At this point, the mobile phone in her handbag suddenly rang. Press the call button, Light Muller’s displeasure voice came through: “Why aren’t you here?”

  “I……” DLe Si looked down at the duck, and weakly answered, “I … … I went to the wrong place……”

  “Where are you now?”

  “This … … I … … I do not know … …”

  The mobile phone was silent for a few seconds, then Light Muller’s cold voice came through, “Today, you must get to the airport, and if you don’t come then figure it out for yourself.” Having said that, he hang up the call.

  President, you’re aggressively brutal!

  >_<

  Putting away her mobile phone, DLe Si managed to smile, walking towards the Uncle with the stretched out voice, “Uncle, do you know how to go downtown from here?”

  “Wh——at”

  “Downtown! I——want——to——go——to——the——city——district”

  “Oh!” The Uncle pointed to the side, shouting, “That’s——the——one——”

  DLe Si looked along the direction his fingers pointed towards and her lips couldn’t help but twitch a bit.

  Indeed out of date out of fashion! Such a villager!

  “Moo~——”

  Within the cart full of cow, DLe Si is finally got out of the village that breed duck instead of chickens and then spent 50 dollars to rush to the airport. It was almost dark when she got off, looking at the time was nearly seven o’clock.