My Last First Kiss

by Weston Parker

  But then he took a deep breath and held my arms. “I think you’re blaming yourself for something. Maybe a few things. Things you can’t change now, and maybe that you think I won’t understand or that I’ll judge you for.”

  He was good. Mr. Hero had me pegged, but he still didn’t know the truth, and I was determined he never would. It wasn’t easy to tell someone that you’d destroyed your marriage because you’d been unfaithful. He’d never trust me, not that it mattered. And then there was the other thing. How I’d neglected my patient because my own life was so screwed up that I was preoccupied. I hadn’t seen the signs and done something to stop it. It had been the final straw. The one that broke my sanity along with the camel’s back.

  “Stop trying to be a fucking hero. You can’t help me. You can’t save me. So just take me home.” I stood up, but he refused to move.

  He pegged me with a hard glare. “Sit your ass down. I’m not taking you anywhere. You don’t have to tell me anything, but you’re going to hear me out. If you don’t like what I have to say, then I’ll take you home.”

  “Why bother?” I was a lost cause. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t see it.

  “Because I think you’re worth it.”

  I didn’t have the strength to tell him how wrong he was.

  Chapter 12

  Luke

  She lifted her chin defiantly, but she hadn’t met that side of me, and if she thought for a moment that we were leaving without her opening up and letting me in, then she was sorely mistaken. I hated to push her for fear that she’d hate me, but something told me I needed to push, and it wasn’t Finn’s voice I was hearing.

  “Are you going to take me home?”

  “No, not until you tell me what’s so damned horrible. I’ll go to New York and find out for myself if you can’t tell me. Because I care and I think someone’s hurting you and making you feel like you’re responsible for something you couldn’t help.”

  “You’re wrong. I’m the one who fucked everything up okay. I’m the one who asked my parents to come to see my sister and me. They’d still be alive if I’d just told them not to come. They didn’t want to. My dad didn’t want to miss church long enough to travel, and I’d had Mom talk him into it.” She clenched her fists.

  “That’s not your fault. I understand how it might feel that way, but trust me. I felt the same way when my parents died. Like if I’d just done something then they’d still be here. But that’s not how it works. It was their time. If it hadn’t been that day and time, it would have been another one.”

  “You think it works that way, but I don’t. That ‘everything happens for a reason’ shit is a lie people tell themselves to feel better.” Her face was a mess of tears, and she wiped her nose and choked them back.

  “It still doesn’t make it your fault.” I wasn’t going to let her blame herself.

  “No, but what happened to my marriage was. I strayed because I wasn’t happy. I have an ex who’s still in love with me even though I had an affair because he wasn’t enough for me. I had a good thing, it was decent, he was kind, but I felt empty.” She folded her arms across her chest as it to hold herself together. “Are you happy. Or should I keep on? Did you know I got so distracted with my personal crises that I didn’t hear one of my patient’s cry for help? He killed himself just before I came here. I found where he called my cell phone. He’d left a voice mail that I didn’t see until it was too late. I could have done something, but instead, I was too busy wrapped up in my own selfish life.

  “You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s selfish decision. How is that your fault? And as for your marriage, you weren’t happy. You can’t help how you feel. But what I want to know is how do you feel when you’re with me? That’s all I care about. Not your past and what you’ve done.”

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t deserve to feel it.” She shook her head and stared off into the distance, but I put myself in front of her face. She wasn’t going to get off that easily.

  “Tell me, Harper. How do I make you feel?” She made me feel complete, and I couldn’t imagine she didn’t feel the same way. The past few nights we’d spent making love had solidified the way I felt. Even though I’d started out wanting her for a moment, I wanted her forever now. I couldn’t imagine that she might not feel the same.

  She took a deep breath and held her head back, her face to the sky. “Amazing. But what does it matter when I’m leaving? We knew it all along.”

  “Then stay with me.” Her eyes widened, but I wasn’t letting her speak until she heard me out. “I mean it. Move out here; I’ll even build you an office so you can set up practice. I can take care of you and make you happy. We’re good together. Deny it.” I dared her to tell me we weren’t.

  She threw her hands up in the air and rested them on her head dragging her fingers through her hair. “I can’t uproot my life on a whim.” She shook her head giving me a look like I’d lost my mind. Maybe I had, but I knew what I wanted.

  “Sure you can. It’s easy when you’ve got as much money as I do and before you refuse, think long and hard. Life is much easier out here. You’ll never want for a thing. I promise.”

  She covered her face and gave a nervous laugh. “You can’t just throw some money at me and make my problems go away.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Thank you for the nice gesture, but please just take me home. I think it’s for the best I don’t stick around. I’m leaving tomorrow. I should let Nora know and get my things gathered so I can get an early start.” I looked at her unable to speak, and she shook her head. “Yeah, I should really get back.”

  “Get back to what, life without me? Come on, Harper, you know what we have is incredible. It’s the best thing I’ve had in years. Don’t run away from me too.” I pulled her close, and she tried to pull away only to fail. I wasn’t letting go.

  “You can’t keep me here. You knew it wasn’t going to last and you were content with that.” I hadn’t realized I’d fall so fast, but she’d surprised me in more ways than one.

  “I didn’t know I’d feel this way, but now that I do I don’t want to lose you.” It wasn’t a matter of just losing her, but if she left, it was going to hurt. I could already feel the sense of longing.

  She jerked away and walked past my bike headed down the hill. “You never had me.” She shook her head and continued walking. I’d let her go knowing she wouldn’t get far and I packed up our things and got on my bike, cranking it up. She’d made it as far as the cemetery and was leaning against the old wooden fence that surrounded it.

  I rode up and waited, giving her all the time she needed, knowing there wasn’t much else to say. She wasn’t going to stay, and I wasn’t going to have her in my life much longer. I couldn’t stand the thought of it, and I was so angry about it I’d gone numb. She finally turned around leaned back against the fence. “I’m sorry. It’s what I have to do. You can go on without me; I’ll call Nora to get me.”

  “I’m not leaving you out here.” I wasn’t about to drive away and leave her there all alone and miles from home. I wasn’t that kind of man.

  “I’ll be alright,” she snapped. She took out her phone, and after poking at it, she put it to her ear. “Dammit.” She put the phone down and stamped her foot.

  “Get on; I’ll take you home.” I wasn’t taking no for an answer, and I wasn’t asking. She must have recognized my tone because she turned and met my stare.

  “Fine, but don’t bother trying to get me to stay. I’ve made up my mind.” She was so stubborn and defiant that I wanted to take her across my knee and spank her ass. But I made room for her behind me and cranked my bike.

  “Nah, I’m all done trying to convince you, sweetheart. You do whatever you want.”

  “Giving up? Good call.” She held on to my waist, and I rode off, speeding toward home faster than I should have, but getting there not a moment fast enough. I wasn’t the one giving up, and I resented her saying so. If she wanted me to beg
she was barking up the wrong tree.

  She didn’t say a word as she got off the bike and headed into her house and I wasn’t about to stop her. She’d been content to go on with life without me and now she could.

  She wasn’t the first woman I’d had to learn to live without. I spun out of her drive and headed home. I pulled the bike into the garage and went straight to the fridge. There were enough food and alcohol left from the party to get drunk and full on. And if I were lucky it would fill the enormous hole she’d left in my heart.

  I twisted the cap from my beer and turned it up killing half of it in one swig and then took a few more and headed upstairs. When I got to my room, I found her sweater she’d left from the night before and as I lay across my bed, the smell of her perfume wafted around me from the sheets. I got up to move to the chair by my window and looked out to Nora’s house in the distance. I hoped like hell her sister could talk her out of leaving, but why would she?

  I polished off the other half of that first beer and then opened another. There wasn’t anything else I could do. If I had learned one thing from my ex, it was the hard fact that you can’t ever make another person love you. No matter how much you loved them.

  Chapter 13

  Harper

  Leaving hadn’t been easy, and it wasn’t only because of Luke. Leaving Nora hadn’t been easy, and the two of us had cried over breakfast promising that we wouldn’t wait another three years to see each other. I told her maybe next time she should come out and see me. It might be best considering it might be too soon to see Luke again. I didn’t want to go falling back into bed with him, or I might never get away. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to leave without a proper goodbye, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it no matter how much Nora wanted me to.

  I’d driven out early and was back home by ten o’clock that night having made one stop on the way to stretch my legs and eat. Every motorcycle on the way made me think of Luke and who knew there were that many on the streets. A part of me wished he’d come after me, but after putting up one hell of a fight, that was nothing more than wishful thinking at its best.

  My apartment was stuffy, and I longed for the clean air of Kentucky. I wasn’t about to open a window and instead opted for the fan I kept in the hall closet. If I closed my eyes, it still wouldn’t be as heavenly as the breeze had been up on that hillside.

  I decided not to call my ex and tell him I was back in town. He’d only try to see me, and it was far past time to move on.

  I decided to run a hot bath and rest my aching bones. Sitting in a car the entire drive home had taken a toll on me and I stretched out in the tub and released a long breath. I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Luke. He had looked so good the night of the party stretched out in his bed. We’d slowly undressed each other, and he’d crawled to the center of his huge bed where he laid back and called me over to join him. His thick erection lay across his lower abdomen pointed straight up his tight stomach, almost touching his belly button. Thick and proud, it waited, and he stood it up as if it were an offering for me to do with what I wished.

  The heat built slowly in my core as I remembered the way I’d crawled to him, like a prowling cat about to pounce and I kissed my way up his thigh and across his heavy sac up his shaft and across his hand until my mouth was on his glossy head. I had swirled my tongue across the tip and then pleasured him until my aching need won out and I climbed on and rode him, greedy for my own release. He’d given it to me too, but it wasn’t like I’d expected him to fail. He was a generous lover as well as commanding, and that was my favorite part about him.

  Why couldn’t I get him out of my mind? I opened my eyes and sat up and took a washcloth from the basket beside the tub and wet it, making sure the water was nice and hot. I let the steam rise up around me and then I shut off the water, leaving a slow, steady drip hoping the sound would soothe me I laid back with the hot rag across my face and tried to think of happier, less heartbreaking thoughts.

  It was no use. I kept seeing him; beside me, inside me, smiling and laughing. I’d loved his playfulness and the way he’d challenged me. He hadn’t given up on me, not until I’d given him no choice.

  It had been nothing more than a fling, the equivalent to a summer’s romance that only lasted as long as a vacation and not a moment longer. The kind you fondly remember as you carry on with life.

  I’d get over it. I’d move on and think of it, but I wouldn’t let it hinder me.

  I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself.

  I got out of the tub and headed to bed hoping I’d wake with a better outlook on things, one that didn’t include Luke.

  I woke up hours later and took a deep breath to build up my courage to face the day. It was supposed to be cleansing but instead, I felt empty. I missed my sister and Luke, and I didn’t want to go into work. Aside from my patients and a few acquaintances who were still speaking to me since the divorce, I didn’t have anything keeping me here.

  I dragged out of bed and went to the kitchen where I’d left my phone charging on the counter. Nora had messaged curious if I’d made it home and I felt bad that I had probably made her worry.

  I contemplated calling, but wouldn’t let myself. I messaged her instead, telling her I made it last night and was so tired I fell asleep before I had a chance to call. I left a smiley face emoji on the end so she’d think I was happy and hit send.

  I thought I’d gotten away with it, but then she called me.

  “Hey, Nora. What’s happening out in the country?” I imagined her sitting at her breakfast table over one of her egg-white omelets.

  “You left your sweater. Luke brought it over this morning.” She paused as if to wait for a reaction, but I was silent.

  In my mind, the vision of Luke and me undressing, him peeling off my sweater to instigate it, as his lips burned against mine, kept playing on repeat.

  “He told me what happened. He showed up here this morning bright and early smelling like booze and I think he spent the whole night drinking. He was a real mess, Harper.” Her tone was almost scolding, and my heart ached thinking about him in such a state.

  “I didn’t think it would affect him like that. He’ll be fine.”

  “How could it not affect him? He’s in love with you. He asked you to stay didn’t he? That’s why you left early. You were running away from him. I knew it. You’ve got it bad.” Her words surprised me.

  “It’s going to take some time, but we’ll get over it and move on. It wasn’t supposed to develop into anything, and I never wanted it to.” I was running from my problems not trying to create more of them.

  “Well, good luck with that. And when you come to your senses you’re always welcome back. I’ll mail your sweater.”

  “Keep it.” I knew if she did then I’d always have an excuse to come back.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She let out a breath that created static through the phone. “You know, he had a good idea. You’d love it here.”

  “I’ve got to go, Nora. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone before she could say anything else and then went to the living room and lay on the couch. My head hung off the edge, and I noticed the cabinet across the way was open. I had dug around for an envelope the day I’d left for Nora’s, and I knew inside was also something else I hadn’t remembered in a long time.

  I sat up and then got to my feet. I crossed the room and then dropped to my knees in front of the little cabinet. I’d always tucked things in there to get them out of my way, but when I’d first moved in, I used it to store my home office supplies and a few old scrapbooks.

  I thumbed through the papers I’d shoved in there over the years and found my little scrapbook I was thinking about. It held lots of memories, but most importantly a letter my mother had written me on my graduation day.

  I turned the pages seeing things I hadn’t thought about and forgotten I had over the years and then I came to the letter. It was on a piece of pink stationary that had
a little bird in the corner. My mom had always used stationary and even kept a small writing desk that I wish I’d kept. I unfolded the paper and read the letter.

  Seeing her handwriting brought tears to my eyes but reading the words, it put an ache in my heart. She’d been proud of me. I remember reading the letter back on the day she’d given it to me and how I’d blushed. The words didn’t mean as much then as they did now. I took for granted that mom would always be around to write me sappy letters and embarrass me in front of my friends. How I missed her now.

  I could still hear her voice too, with every word the sound filled my mind and was clearer to me than it could have been if she were sitting there with me.

  At the bottom, she signed it with a row of hugs and kisses, and then finally “Follow your heart and don’t ever let anything hold you back,” had been the postscript. Love, Mom.

  Follow my heart.

  I hadn’t done that for so long. I’d tried to follow my dreams and it’s funny how pursuing your dreams can get in the way of what the heart wants. I’d sacrificed plenty for what I thought were dreams; the perfect life and the perfect career; fancy home, expensive car, and wardrobe.

  What did any of that get me in the end?

  I read those words over and over and knew what I had to do.

  Chapter 14

  Luke

  There was something about swinging a hammer that relieved stress. I’d decided to fix the old broken stretch of fence that ran across the property line on the west side of the house. Tanner had told me to hire someone, but I needed to do something to clear my mind and maybe a little sweat would get rid of the booze I’d put into my system over the past twenty-four hours.

  I’d sat in my window and watched her drive away in her fancy car headed off to the city like her ass was on fire. I probably should have run after her and made her stay, but I didn’t want her that way, spending the rest of her life resenting me and wondering what if.