Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  “By the way, thanks for hijacking my surprise tonight.” I said changing the subject because I knew my decision to adopt would mean even more to him after his proposal.”

  “Surprise? What surprise? I had no idea you were planning anything.”

  “Well, duh. That’s the whole point of a surprise, Noah.”

  “Can I have it now?” he asked tentatively.

  “Another surprise?” Molly shouted, then whooped and did a little dance.

  “Yep, and this one involves you too, Molly.”

  “Is it a puppy?” she asked clasping her hands and pulling them to her chest in hope.

  “No puppy, but I think what I have to tell you, is even better.”

  “Oh my. Is it a giraffe? Where will we keep it?” Both Noah and I chuckled, and I stared in wonder at the innocence of a child’s mind.

  “It isn’t an animal, Molly, now sit back down because what I have to say is quite important.”

  Noah lifted Molly and sat her back at the table, then sat in his chair and took my hand.

  “All right. What an exciting night this is. My turn. A while ago Noah and I were talking about you, Molly, and us big people sometimes think about what’s best for the little people we care about.”

  “That’s me, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, Molly, that’s you.”

  Molly straightened up in her chair, placed her elbows on the table and placed her chin in her hands.

  “When your mom went to Heaven to be with the angels I became responsible for your care.” Molly looked sad and nodded.

  “Well, Noah and I had some long conversations about that and we don’t think it’s fair for you to grow up without a daddy or a mommy. Noah’s head turned to stare at me and swallowed roughly because he had anticipated what came next.

  “Are you giving me away?” Molly asked, her voice was full of alarm and tears had started to well in her eyes.

  “Gosh. No. What we were thinking was… if it’s okay with you… that we could be your new mommy and daddy?”

  Molly burst into tears, her lungs exhaling so hard she didn’t breathe until she changed color. Noah stood in distress, his chair scraping roughly along the floor in his panic as he made to grab her from her seat.

  “Yes…yeah… please,” she cried through her tears. My throat closed down with emotion and I also stood from my chair and caught a breath. Tears streamed down my face from her reaction and my chest felt tight with sadness and happiness in equal measure. No small child should ever have had to go through what Molly had.

  “Then it’s settled, Molly. I’ll file the papers and we’ll celebrate as soon as the people who make decisions let us know we are.”

  Noah dried Molly’s tears and swung her around making her giggle and with the distraction Molly regained her composure in a heartbeat.

  “You’re right, Mom, this is better than a giraffe. I’ve never had a daddy before.” Her words stopped me in my tracks. What she had said was true; I’d thought it myself, but to hear her say it so soon after I’d explained the plan told me Molly herself had already noticed her difference from some of the other children at school.

  It was then I decided to break our other piece of news to Molly and told her about the baby. I had been worried about how she would take it, but she almost burst with excitement again. There had been a huge amount of information for a small child to take in; however, I reassured myself Molly would cope. She had two loving people around her who had her back and I felt with our continued patience and guidance she’d be fine.

  That night as we lay in bed Noah pulled the cotton sheet down my belly. I was fifteen weeks pregnant and although I hadn’t felt any movement yet, I’d read not to expect anything until mid-second trimester. Even though I had explained this to Noah he was impatient and lay talking to my bump most nights, waiting for a sign the baby was really in there. It was endearing to see how caught up he was in our life changing event.

  His strong warm palm swept back and forth over my taut belly, “Can you hear me, son?” he asked and looked at me a little sheepishly. “Me and your mom can’t wait to meet you,” he murmured softly. Noah continued to stare at my bump like it was going to magically spring into action and lay as still as I’d ever seen him. That night he was deep in thought.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked after a few minutes.

  “How lucky I am. How I don’t want to go back to work. How I don’t want to miss a single second of this precious little baby’s life. This is never going to happen, but if a meteor struck this Earth and I did something wrong, please promise me you’d never keep my children away from me.”

  My heart almost broke that he had to think like that. “I hope we’re never in that position, Noah, but believe me when I say a child has the right to keep in touch with their parents… that is unless that parent compromises their physical or emotional wellbeing.”

  Noah moved closer and placed his cheek next to our baby bump. “Believe me when I say I will always love you, Maggie… no matter what. I hate the thought of going back to the band and the longer Vinny stays in rehab the less enthusiastic I am about the whole deal. Nine years is a long time to be stuck inside a revolving wheel, you get me? This is the longest time I’ve ever had off since we started.”

  Clutching a clump of his hair, I tugged it gently for him to look up at me. He shifted his head on my bump to glance up and I saw a tortured soul in his eyes.

  “We’ll make it work, Noah. There are very few fathers in life that get the opportunity to do what you do and can take an extended break like this. Most are lucky to spend a few weeks a year with their children and they spend the rest of their time bringing home the bread to feed them. You only feel this way because of Rudi. I hate Andrea for the way she’s kept you from your son and I don’t even know her. Focus on the positive parts of what’s happening, and the rest will take care of itself.”

  He leaned over and took my hand in his and gave it a small squeeze, then lifted it to his lips. He kissed my fingers and let his mouth linger there before he glanced back again. “You’re right as usual. I’m so fucking lucky. Blessed. I have a job where I can at least control when I tour and to that end I think we should consider putting a nanny in place before this little man is born. I want Molly to be second nature to her and her to Molly before our new arrival. It will give us both peace of mind to know we have someone who’s familiar with Molly’s routines.”

  I shuffled myself up the bed and leaned back, “I can’t get my head around the way you’re always thinking ahead. You’re a deep man and you have incredible insight, Noah. You amaze me at times, you know that?” He sat up quickly and carefully slid me back down onto my back then hovered above me surrounding me with all four limbs like he often did.

  “I know… that’s why you find me so irresistible,” he mocked in a seductive way and buried his face in my neck. His soft warm lips connected with my skin and goose bumps riddled my body as tiny wired tingles radiated through me. Noah thought he was lucky, but he had no idea how lucky I thought I was to have him in my life.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Noah

  By the time the band finally ventured into the studio, Maggie was almost eight months pregnant. I was reluctant to leave her so close to her due date, but by then we’d hired a sweet southern girl called Kathleen to help with Molly, so I knew she had some help at home.

  Fresh out of college, Kathleen had a mature, quiet attitude and at twenty-one years old, she was the oldest sibling of a large Southern family. Despite her tender age she was a natural care-giver and had a wealth of personal experience from taking care of her siblings and cousins.

  Maggie took to her straight away, and I figured if she was okay by Maggie’s standards then she passed the test for mine. Saying that I still found myself watching her like a hawk and waiting for her to put a foot wrong—then again, what parent wouldn’t?

  For the first time, I knew what it felt like to hate leaving home to go to work. Vinny
, was out of rehab and clean for the first time in years, so there was nothing keeping us at home anymore. However, he lacked stamina and strength, so recording was slow.

  George, and Mel—the remaining member of the band—became short-tempered with him because unlike me they’d been eager to get the album going and were frustrated by all the setbacks. Personally, I had more empathy with Vinny because at one time I was an addict myself.

  On the other hand, Steve, our manager; and the guys, were stoked with all the new material I’d written in my downtime. Uncertainty in my private life obviously brought out my inspirational angsty side.

  Five songs made it onto our album, but not before I’d taken a huge amount of stick from my bandmates for being whipped by Maggie in the process. Jealousy is ugly. Then again, they were all still single guys, wandering aimlessly from place to place looking for the next pussy to dip their dick in—and they were welcome to that.

  George called time when Vinny had fucked up for the fifth time during the last track of the day, his arms too fatigued to keep the pace of the beat through lack of practice. One by one we gradually finished stowing our instruments on the stands and filed back into the studio office. I was about done packing up when my cell vibrated in my bag. It was Annalise.

  “Good news. Lester Crossly called regarding your court hearing about Rudi. A judge has been appointed to your case, and the date is set for Tuesday. Lester thinks with the evidence his team have and the omissions to follow due process from your original case, dispensing with the restraining order should only be a formality.”

  Thoughts that I may finally get to see my son made my heart pound and I could barely speak. Tears welled faster than I could swallow them back. “Call you back,” was all I could manage because I was choked with emotion. Eamon covered for me with the guys and I hastily made my way to our ride, then he drove me home in silence because I couldn’t even think let alone talk about my conversation with my assistant.

  Everything appeared to be happening at once. Maggie had given up work the week before. Apart from our baby being due, she figured the adoption board would move things along quicker if they knew there was a parent who was always at home. She had been right on that count because after informing them, her adoption application was finalized and approved a couple of weeks later.

  As Maggie was already Molly’s legal guardian and her sole surviving relative it had sped up the proceedings. All the paperwork, her background checks as a teacher, and the fact that Molly had lived with her since she was born helped tremendously.

  My application was far more complicated, and I continued to wait for the court’s final decision. It had been a while since I’d submitted the paperwork along with my medical records. That part had worried me the most because during my medical I was questioned at length about my bouts of depression and misuse of alcohol. I was honest, and I’ll admit the interrogation got me down inside; however I had to accept they’d do the same to anyone with a history of problems like I had. I only prayed they weren’t swayed by the shit the media had put out about me and assessed me fairly.

  The one area that was the most difficult to comply with were the sessions I was supposed to attend as part of the pre-adoption process. Fans and publicity made it impossible for me to do this in a group setting. Eventually a case worker was appointed to work with me at home to ensure I met the criteria necessary for safeguarding Molly.

  There were times when I felt it was never going to happen, doubting how people would view me. Maggie, the voice of reason was right behind me when I almost lost my shit a couple of times, particularly after the discussions about my alcoholism and depression.

  “They couldn’t take the baby we’re having away because of your past and you’re not that guy anymore, so why would they refuse Molly the opportunity to have two doting parents?”

  I only wished I shared her confidence.

  After Annalise’s call, I was preoccupied all the way home as I turned over every negative issue I could think of that would prevent a judge from granting me permission to see my son. My anxiety at those thoughts caused a pain in my gut. My heart was split right down the middle. One side felt light—blissful at being with the woman and child I loved who held that half in their hands. The other half was barely recognizable as part of the same one beating inside my chest. It had been battered and bruised; crushed, broken, and splintered by the despair I felt at not knowing my son.

  Lost in thought, I hadn’t realized we’d arrived home until Eamon turned off the engine and looked at me with concern.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, Annalise told me the hearing about Rudi is set for Tuesday.”

  “Let’s hope you have a judge that plays fair this time,” he muttered as he got out of the car. “I’m here if you need to get anything off your chest,” he added.

  Molly’s enthusiastic chatter greeted me as I turned the handle and stepped into the hallway. It lightened my mood a little to hear it. The pitter patter of her flip-flops quickly followed as she ran out of the playroom to meet me, lifting my temperament a little more.

  “Noah,” she shouted excitedly, as she ran toward me with a delighted wide smile on her face. Jumping up into my open arms I wrapped them around her and spun her in a circle. I cradled her head in my hand and felt love radiate from her. “How’s my baby girl today?” I asked, trying to sound cheerful.

  “I’m six, Noah. I’m not a baby,” she chastised me with a scolding expression on her face. It made me smile no matter how I’d felt before I stepped into our home.

  “You’ll always be my baby, no matter how old you get,” I replied and tickled her ribs. “Where’s that gorgeous mom of yours?” At first her brow creased, then she remembered I was talking about Maggie who was legally her mom by then and as if a little lightbulb went off she scrubbed my chin and said, “She’s lying down upstairs. Our baby is tiring her out,” Molly replied. I loved that she referred to our unborn baby as ‘ours’.

  I walked us into the kitchen to find Kathleen. “Is Maggie okay?”

  “She’s been having some mild contractions this afternoon and refused to let me call you,” Kathleen replied. My whole being filled with concern.

  Setting Molly down, I took the stairs two and three at a time in my haste to get to our bedroom.

  “Maggie, baby?” I said with a question in my voice.

  Her eyelids fluttered open, and she gave me a reassuring smile. She rubbed her round belly and replied, “I’m fine, Noah. It’s only been a few hours. The contractions are bearable but they’re getting a little stronger. We’ve got time to get Molly to bed before I have to leave for the hospital.”

  “Have you called your OB guy?”

  “My Obstetrician is happy for me to stay home a little longer. If the contractions get closer or my waters break, he said I’d have to go in straight away.”

  I ran my hands roughly through my hair then stuffed them in my pockets to hide my nerves. I knew she needed me to hold my shit together and be calm.

  “You put your bag in the trunk, right?” Maggie nodded, and I pulled out my cell to tell Eamon what was happening by text—he responded to say he was ready when we were.

  George: Are you planning on putting in an appearance today?

  After a long emotional night at the hospital I’d clean forgotten to inform the band of our news.

  Me: Shit, sorry. We have a boy. George Oliver Stephen Haxby.

  George: Congratulations. Well fuck… George—after me? I’m honored, mate. Did you know your kid's initials are GOSH? LOL.

  I grinned widely because no one could piss on my strawberries now Maggie had delivered our beautiful son.

  Me: Ha! Yeah… that was my reaction when I saw his head appear. I added a shocked emoticon.

  George: LOL. Congrats to you both. Give Maggie our love and tell her she’s a saint to give birth to the devil’s spawn.

  Me: Oy. Thanks. She’s the best damned thing about me.

  I put my cell ba
ck in my pocket with a happy smile on my face as I sat down on the chair. My mind replayed the emotional scene of Maggie grimacing with determination as she pushed George into this world. Watching anxiously as his still little body slid between her legs, his chest still and his skin pale. And I glanced to Maggie with the utmost respect for all she’d been through to bring him into the world.

  Within seconds, I saw his lifeless color change from gray to pink as his chest expanded when he took his first breath, and as his lungs filled with air, then he cried. It was the sweetest and the worst sound all at the same time. Then the full impact of emotion of the wonder I’d witnessed caught me square in the chest and I cried with him. I was officially a wimp.

  Reluctantly, I took the scissors the doctor gave me, scared to use them but privileged to be offered. My hands shook as he directed me to cut the cord and I nervously severed the tie that attached him to Maggie’s body. As I stared down at his tiny naked body, the sudden recognition of what George meant to me kicked in and my heart opened instantly to him.

  Next thing I knew he was lifted onto Maggie’s chest and I stared fascinated as she breast-fed our tiny son.

  “I never expected him to be that small,” I mused, mesmerized by the fact he knew exactly what to do.

  “That’s not what my undercarriage is thinking.”

  “Undercarriage? You mean your pussy? Does it hurt?”

  Maggie drew me a look that said if she didn’t need me I’d have been dead and chewed on her mouth as she thought for a second. “Think razor blades, taser shocks, rope burn, and being whipped with a nylon rope… then you’ll have the beginnings of an idea what that felt like.”

  “Ouch,” I frowned hating that she was in pain and I was partly to blame.

  Despite my protests Maggie insisted I slept at home and by the time I arrived back there, Molly had left for class. I lay on the bed intending to have a couple of hours then go back to the hospital, but I never slept a wink. My mind whirred like a revolving door from one child to the next as thoughts of my responsibilities took hold.