Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  Focusing on one at a time was difficult because all three little ones had needs and as they were all equally my responsibility I had wanted to ensure I considered each one in any decisions that were made. One thought did enter my head which made me smile. Who had time to be depressed or drunk with three kids to take care of?

  On the way back to the hospital later that morning I had a call from my welfare key worker regarding Molly’s adoption application. Due to someone passing away, case had been bumped, and the judge wanted me to be present due to the previous issues with Rudi. Why is it that everything happens at once?

  When I told her about the case Lester was progressing and the court date for that, she took the information and wondered if the same judge could preside over both at the same time. It would mean he’d make a ruling not only with Molly but for Rudi as well.

  By the time she’d concluded the call my anxiety levels were insanely high again. What should have been the best day of my life was filled with worry and self-doubt. My concerns were if he said no to Rudi he’d say no to both and where would that leave Maggie and I and our family? Then I felt we should never have told Molly until the deal was sealed.

  I considered if I should tell Maggie I was due in court at the end of that week and quickly dismissed that thought. It was a special day for us, we were bringing our son home and although the call had taken the shine off my day, I was damned if I would do anything to take it off hers.

  As Eamon had been privy to the conversation I’d sworn him to silence about mentioning anything to Maggie, then my conversation was cut short as Eamon drove into the hospital parking lot because my heart sank when I saw a group of reporters milling around by the door.

  “How the fuck?” I cussed, “Today of all days,” I said, angry they’d found out about Maggie and our boy. “Here we go,” I said in frustration and shook my head in disbelief. Thoughts about how my appearance in court may be affected by anything they printed made me worried.

  “It was great while it lasted, Noah. I’m surprised you and Maggie kept them at bay for so long. Stay calm and don’t say anything to piss them off.”

  Eamon pulled the car as near to the entrance as he could and got out. Opening the door for me, I stepped out behaving like I didn’t have a care in the world. “Beautiful morning, everyone.” I said believing it was the only comment they were getting from me.

  “Noah, we hear congratulations are in order. Can we confirm by your presence here this morning, you’re confirming you’re the father of Maggie Dashwood’s baby?” shouted one reporter.

  "You previously denied you were in a relationship with Maggie. Can you tell us why now our sources are saying she delivered a baby son to you here last night?" Asked another.

  “Andrea tells us you are trying to overturn the restraining order on your son, Rudi… is that the case?” another called out.

  Ignoring their questions, I pushed past them and headed up to the floor Maggie was on. “We need another car and a back way out of this place. I’m not throwing Maggie and my son to that pack of wolves down there,” I said to Eamon. Nodding he quickly pulled out his cell, made a call then put it on loudspeaker.

  “Yes, Eamon?” Annalise asked.

  I answered instead of him.

  “Annalise, we need backup at the hospital. The paparazzi know about Maggie.”

  “I heard she’d had the baby through the calls I’ve been getting, they’re all over this. Congratulations. The office lines have been jammed for the past forty-five minutes, so it’s still breaking. I hadn’t heard a peep before that. Are you in the hospital now? Are there many reporters? Do you need assistance at your home as well?”

  “Quit with the twenty questions. Yes, we’re here already. I need a car to get us out quietly. I want Maggie and my son home safely with no fuss, and you better get someone over to Molly’s school. I’ll have Maggie call them in a few minutes when I get to her room—”

  “Wait, there’s a change of plan. I’m not taking them home, we’re going to Noah’s parent’s place. Call me back with the details for the car and send extra security to the house. I want them to think we’re going back there. You’d better update Kathleen about Molly and they can meet us there,” Eamon said.

  “All right, you heard the man and Annalise make sure the driver is discreet,” I added, leaving Eamon holding the phone and I marched down the hall to Maggie’s room.

  My tone was harsh with Annalise, but I was under stress. The media could do their worst with me, but I was determined to protect my family and do all I could to keep them out of the limelight. Someone in a position of trust at the hospital had obviously broken our confidence and sold the information to the media. In my head I cursed whoever it was to Hell for being so fucking greedy as I opened the door of Maggie’s room with a relaxed smile on my face.

  “Good God, could you look any more beautiful?” I asked as I moved over beside her. Bending down I gave her upturned mouth a soft kiss. I held the side of her head in my hand as she looked down at our son and she leaned into my palm. “You’re adorable together,” I added.

  “You just missed George having his first test. He passed with flying colors,” she said, looking up into my eyes and smiling affectionately. Hers shone with happiness and my heart swelled because I’d helped put that smile on her face.

  “Test?” I frowned, with a note of concern and slid my hand from her cheek to cradle his head. Maggie gestured to me to take him and I slid my other hand under his body, lifting him free of her and held him close to my chest. Pressing my nose to his soft downy hair I inhaled his scent and my heart squeezed with love for them both.

  “Yeah, his hearing check—he passed,” she added with a slight chuckle.

  “You listening to your mommy, son? You’re a genius already, rock star,” I told him and peppered kisses on his head. George nuzzled close to my body and the way he snuggled… well I had no words to describe what it meant to me to hold him in that moment.

  “We’re all set. I have my paperwork, signed the insurance forms again, and I have my physical therapy sheet of exercises.”

  “Pelvic floor?”

  “Yeah… I need to work on those to prevent myself from peeing the sofa when I’m old,” she answered with grin.

  “Oh, honey. You don’t need to worry on my account. I have enough money to check you into an elderly care residence if that happens then it won’t be my problem.”

  Maggie belly laughed, stopped sharply, and winced. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, who knew how much pressure is put on your tushie when you laugh.” She replied and snickered and stood gathering up her purse.

  Then came the moment I dreaded because I had to tell her about the press and decided it had to be done like ripping off a band-aid.

  “How much do you like surprises?”

  “Depends what you’ve got in mind. I’m pretty tired, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “This is… a ten-minute surprise.”

  “Alright, I can manage that,” she replied nodding.

  “Here’s the thing. The media’s found out about us… and George.” Her sweet smile froze on her lips and her eyes darkened with worry.

  “They have? How?”

  “We’ll talk about that later; right this minute we’ve got a posse of photographers hanging around the front door waiting to ambush us when we leave. Annalise is organizing another car and Eamon is going to walk back to our car as if he’s going to grab something from the trunk while we sneak out from the back of the building somehow. He’s figuring it out right now with the security staff.”

  Maggie took George from me when he’d begun to fret and shushed him on her shoulder. It was as if he’d picked up on my anxiety.

  “We’re not going home either; Eamon’s taking us to my parents. First, I need you to contact Molly’s school and tell them one of my team and Kathleen will be picking her up early and they’ll bring her to us." Tension rolled off Maggie but I tried my best to s
tay calm for the sake of her and George.

  An hour later we pulled through the gates to my parent’s place and I exhaled loudly because we’d made it there without incident. The relief on Maggie’s face caused an overwhelming urge within me to protect her and the kids and my chest tightened. This is all my fault.

  Maggie remained anxious for Molly even after she’d been assured Molly was already out of school and on her way home to my parents with Kathleen and a bodyguard. It wasn’t until Molly came bursting through the door at my parents that she visibly relaxed.

  Molly ran over to Maggie but stopped short, hesitant about being around the baby, and peered over at him on tiptoe from where she stood.

  “Is this my… brother?” She whispered like it was a secret and looked to Maggie for clarification.

  “Yes, it is, Molly. Do you want to hold him?” Maggie asked with a smile in her voice and looked over to me to see if I was watching. I smiled back at her to let her know I was paying attention.

  Molly squealed and clasped her hands under her chin. “Can I?” she asked in disbelief then ran on the spot with excitement.

  I watched how carefully she cradled his tiny head in her little hand and looked at Maggie because it was an emotional moment for us. I felt my heart swell in my chest and for a second I felt sad because Rudi had missed this event. Then I reminded myself we were almost there as a family and I prayed the judge would be reasonable and see me for the man that I had become and not the foolish teenager I’d been in the past.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Maggie

  Nothing could have prepared me for the difficult onslaught of media news that followed baby George’s birth. Noah was worried for our security for a while because some of his fans hadn’t taken the news too well. The press coverage was relentless and by the time we went back home I had a much better understanding of how difficult our lives could be because he was famous.

  Annalise kept Noah up to date with the news. When I heard some of the things they were saying I got quite distressed. They had once again implied our relationship had begun when I went to recover Shona’s body from Australia.

  Many hurtful untruths had been written and after several bouts of tears I decided I didn’t want to know what was being reported anymore, preferring to live in blissful ignorance and focus on my children. I figured Noah had the right idea when he told me to ignore them and eventually they’d target their attention on someone else.

  Instead of dwelling on the thing I couldn’t change, I threw myself into a life of domesticity and insisted that Noah went back into the recording studio. He hated the thought of leaving us but reluctantly agreed when the producers they’d hired became tired of all the delays and threatened to walk away. Therefore, when George was only six days old, his dad kissed his head, pouted at having to leave us behind, and headed off to work.

  My life was a little isolated living the way Noah had to and because I hadn’t cultivated friends for quite a long time due to keeping Shona, Molly and myself afloat, my only source of company most days was Kathleen. Apart from one of my work colleagues, Gill, I’d hadn’t invited anyone over to my home before I lived with Noah and she was the only person I spoke to regularly. I had just finished making a note to myself to call her that evening when Annalise called my cell phone.

  “Hi, Maggie. I couldn’t get hold of Noah because he’s in session in the studio right now. This can’t wait so I’m bringing it to you. Do you know a friend of Shona’s called Vivian Reed?” I racked my brain and came up with nothing.

  “Can’t say that I do, why?”

  “There was a call from a reporter trying to verify a connection between her and Shona. These people have no decorum at all. From his account she’s a hippy type who’s been hiking in Tibet and Nepal for a number of years. Anyway, she read the papers and contacted this reporter after reading about you and Noah. It appears she has some sensational exclusive, and he’s trying to verify it through people who know you. Sounds like there’s no love lost between him and Noah and he took delight in saying if what the girl told him was true then it would rock Noah to the core.”

  My first thoughts were that there was another baby somewhere. I wasn’t sure if my heart would have been able to handle that. It didn’t matter how strong we were together, Annalise’s call set alarm bells ringing in my head as small seeds of doubt about what Vivian Reed knew still managed to creep in. What does a rock star what do they do when no one else is around? Who have they known? God alone knew what secrets Noah may have in his past. I shook the thought away and cursed myself for even thinking that way of him. The man I had given a son to had done me no wrong… and as far as I knew he never would.

  Before I hung up, I asked Annalise to message Noah and forewarn him, then I closed the call out and went upstairs to breastfeed George. My cell rang again less than half an hour later and it was Gill, which was weird given that I had been thinking about her that day. I almost ignored to concentrate on George but after the call with Annalise a nagging doubt made me pick up.

  “Thank goodness I caught you, Maggie. I’m sorry to disturb you but I think there’s something you’ll want to hear from someone you know and not hear it for the first time in the press. I rolled my eyes at her dramatic tone and wondered what she could possibly know that would make me anything other than angry that the media were involved again. It’s probably another fabricated bullshit story.

  “Fire away, let’s hear it,” I replied, placing her on speakerphone as I adjusted George from one breast to the other.

  “I have no idea how to make this less worse than it sounds so I’m just going to say it. I’m not saying it’s true I’m only—”

  “I get it. I won’t shoot the messenger, Gill, tell me.”

  “So… a reporter showed up here this morning… right before school began. He asked me if I was an ex-colleague of yours and I could hardly say no because—”

  “For Heaven’s sake, Gill, just get to the story,” I barked from my frustration and the anxiety building.

  “He had a picture of your sister and another girl and asked me to point Shona out.”

  “And it was her… in the picture I mean?”

  “It was, and it looked like she was backstage at a Fr8Load concert. I could make out Noah and that other one… George is it?... from the band. In the picture they were a lot younger than they are now, and they were holding up beers like they were saluting your sister and her friend with their tongues stuck out in a crude gesture around the bottles behind the girls’ backs.”

  My heart almost stopped. Pain shot through me as it struggled to find its rhythm, and it took me a moment to gather my thoughts. Has Noah been lying to me all this time? Did he know Shona?

  “And you’re sure it was Shona?” I asked even though I knew if Gill was calling me she had no doubts that it was. Disbelief and dismay kept me still in my chair as I listened to my workmate’s confirmation.

  “Yes. Remember that silly phase she went through when she dyed that beautiful long blonde hair black on top and purple at the ends?”

  It was exactly how Shona’s hair was during the period when she disappeared to go to his concerts. But none of it made sense because I felt sure Shona wouldn’t have been able to contain herself from telling me if she had met Noah.

  “Did you tell him it was her?”

  “Of course I didn’t. What kind of friend would that make me? Although, I think it’s only a matter of time before he confirms it. Perhaps you should speak to Noah about it because I don’t think this guy is going to go away empty handed.”

  I thanked her for her friendship and the heads up, concluded the call, then looked at my son and my heart sunk to my belly. Thinking Noah had been with Shona and then with me made me feel sick.

  The family we’d made between us was already unconventional. By this time, it had been over a year since Shona’s death and in that time my life as I knew it wasn’t in any way recognizable from the one that I’d had.

&
nbsp; An hour passed, and Noah came rushing into the house calling out for me. The urgency in his voice made me jump and filled me with a sense of foreboding. I had been lying on our bed resting because George wasn’t even a week old and I already felt drained and wondered if I had the strength to deal with any more distressing news.

  “Maggie, Maggie! Where are you, honey?” he shouted, his urgent voice gave away his excitement.

  “Up here. What’s wrong?” I asked from the top of the stairs and began to walk down toward him. Kathleen came around the corner from her room to check that everything was okay.

  Noah rushed toward me and scooped me into his arms. “Through here, I have something to tell you,” he said, placing a hand around my waist when I reached the bottom step and ushered me into the den. “Sit here,” he ordered and instead of sitting beside me he wandered in a circle before turning sharply to look at me.

  “I didn’t want to spoil your week any further but the day after George was born I had a call to say my court hearing about Molly had been moved up. Lester, the guy who’s been working on my appeal for Rudi handed over the revised files for the judge to read… Never mind,” he said changing tack. “I went to present my case to the judge with him today and he’s overturned my restraining order. It won’t be renewed and I’m going to begin visitation with Rudi as soon as the welfare key worker has prepared him.”

  Noah stood with his wide arms open with delight as he radiated pure joy at the judge’s decision. I was both relieved for him and wanted to know about the decision regarding Molly. I stood up and walked into his arms and he wrapped them firmly around me and picked me up off the floor. “I’m so happy,” he admitted.

  “What about Molly?”

  Noah slid me down his body and I swear the light in his eyes dimmed. “Instead of a restraining order there is a supervision order. It stays in place for three months for the welfare department to monitor the contact between me and Rudi. Until that’s dispensed with, the judge thinks it reasonable to wait until I’ve settled Rudi into a routine without taking on another child.”