Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  “Taking on another child? She fucking lives here, Noah,” I shrieked, angry with the stupidity of that decision. “What part of that doesn’t he understand? How do you think his caution is going to go down with Molly? The poor kid asks every day if you’re her dad yet. No offense… and this is going to sound selfish, but I need look out for Molly. Rudi isn’t setting foot in our home until Molly’s adoption is resolved.”

  “Are you serious? You know I’ve been tortured for years about this. And now that I have a chance to be a father to my own child you’re telling me he’s not welcome here? Fuck you, Maggie. This is my son. My son. My flesh and blood.”

  “As is George and you’re really quick to discard Molly, who isn’t flesh and blood, in favor of Rudi.”

  “That’s below the belt, Maggie.”

  “Is it?”

  “I didn’t make the fucking rules. But I have to follow them.”

  “Then it’ll be a first,” I snapped. It was the biggest argument we’d had in our whole time together, but there was no competition who’s corner I was in. Molly had one advocate in her life and that was me.

  Noah scowled darkly and turned on his heel. “No woman tells me I can’t have a relationship with my child. No one. I love Molly like she is my own. However, she already knows me; Rudi needs that same chance.”

  I shook my head and stormed out the room. “Come back here,” he demanded.

  “Go to Hell,” I countered. When I reached our bedroom, I banged the door much harder than I intended to and wept. George began to cry, and I opened my door. Kathleen stood hesitantly on the landing.

  “It’s okay, Maggie. I’ve got him,” she replied and turned heading quickly into the nursery. Without arguing, I closed my door again and lay on the bed. The day had started out with an air of optimism and Noah and I had been reduced to this, based on the decision of someone who didn’t know any of us.

  Noah knew me well enough to give me space. He waited an hour before he came to the bedroom and slowly opened the door. Stepping inside he stood at a distance and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry Maggie. Today is the day I’ve waited almost five long years for. I didn’t handle the way I told you very well downstairs.”

  When I didn’t reply he walked over to the bed and sat on the edge facing me. He placed his hand on my hip and rubbed gently on my thigh.

  “I love Molly like she’s mine. She already feels like she’s carved from me. Rudi needs to have the same opportunity. Obviously, I felt devastated when the judge put the condition on Molly, but I could see his reasoning. Deep down I think you do too, but you’re right to challenge me the way you did. I wouldn’t expect any less. It tells me that no matter what I say, you will insist I do the right thing for our kids. You ground me and its part of the reason you hold my heart in your hands.”

  “You didn’t handle the news badly, Noah; that was a fucking car crash, and I want you to know I’ll fight for Molly to the last. She was here first. Our life as a family started with her. I’ll never allow you to show preference for any child that lives under this roof,” I replied. I was sure he heard the hurt in my response because I saw the way he winced and I forgave what he’d said and how he said it before because I knew he loved Molly and it was said in a moment of desperation to know his son.

  “I can’t remember whether it was you or I who said, “Everything will be okay,” that has become my mantra in life. It doesn’t matter who said it, but I need to believe it. We’ve come this far, Maggie, there’s not much further to go. We just have to hang in there a little longer.”

  “We have no choice, the judge saw to that,” I replied.

  Noah stood and toed off his shoes, shrugged himself out of his jacket and loosened his belt. He pulled it clear of the loops and dropped it on the floor.

  “Budge up,” he said, nudging me over to my side of the bed as he lay down beside me. “This week hasn’t turned out anything like we imagined, Maggie. I want to apologize for that. Most new moms get pampered and cosseted but my stupid job has dragged us down. I’m so sorry, honey. When things calm down a little, I’ll make it up to you.” I stared into his serious eyes and had no doubt about how much he loved me. “And I’ll have a Hell of a lot of fun doing it,” he added, and winked when he saw the beginning of my smile.

  Our fight had thrown me, and I had forgotten about the calls from Gill and Annalise. I moved with a start and he tensed. “Have you spoken to Annalise this afternoon?”

  “No. I was in court remember? Why… something else to piss me off?”

  “Maybe,” I said and studied his face carefully for a reaction to what I was about to say.

  “Someone has been to a reporter with a sensational exclusive. The reporter called Annalise in his effort to verify the source’s connection to my sister, Shona.”

  “What does that have to do with anything? The coroner in Australia closed the case on Shona. There’s nothing to know, honey.”

  “That was one of the things I dismissed; however, the same journalist visited my old school and questioned Gill, my ex-colleague, before she went into class. He had a picture of Shona and this girl who’s stirring things up. From the picture, they’re at one of your Fr8Load concerts.”

  Noah shrugged, “That isn’t news, they already reported Shona was a fan and went to our gigs.”

  “Yeah, according to Gill, my sister and this girl are backstage. You and George are behind them holding up a beer with your tongues hanging out or something, she said it looked crude.”

  Noah sat up quickly and swung his legs off the bed, then he turned back to look at me, “You’re saying I met Shona?”

  “It’s what the picture implies as far as Gill was concerned. My workmate never confirmed it was Shona to the reporter, but it’s only a matter of time until someone does. Shona didn’t look anything like the photograph the papers ran with when she died. Her ash blonde hair was dyed black, with purple ends, and she used a lot of heavy makeup and kohl eyeliner around her eyes in those days. Plus, she was a lot skinnier before she had Molly.”

  “Sweetheart, you’ve described half my female following. You knew what I was like, I won’t deny how I was. However, this girl with the story is probably one of a hundred girls we spoke to during that one particular tour.”

  “Don’t say that, Noah. My sister died because she followed you.” It was the first time I sounded like I apportioned blame directly at him.

  Noah pushed off the bed, picked his shoe up and threw it at the wall. “What the fuck does a guy have to do to be heard? There were hundreds of women, Maggie. I’m sorry. “Sit back, relax, let me make you feel good,” they’d say, then they’d blow me. I was barely more than a kid, at what… eighteen, nineteen… twenty? What red blooded teenager would have turned that down? Is that what you want to hear? As far as I remember I never met your sister. Maggie, since we’ve been together I’ve been totally faithful to you. Utterly respectful and devoted. A. Good. Man. I don’t know what this picture is or what the fuck she’s doing with it.”

  Striding over to the wall he bent down and swiped his shoe from the floor then came back for the other. Anger radiated through him as he pulled them back on. Two outbursts in one day and I wasn’t sure how to handle it, so I cried. It had only been a short time since George had been born and I was tired. Ever since we’d been together, Noah had always been the voice of reason. My rock. I stared like I didn’t know him as he extended his arm to the floor and scooped up his jacket, pulling it on as he went.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Anywhere away from here because if I don’t, I’m sure you’ll see a side of me you’ll never get past.”

  I edged my way off the bed to follow him, but by the time I reached the landing he was already closing the front door. Seconds later I heard the car pulling out of the courtyard and ran back to get my cell.

  Suddenly I was afraid. Had I pushed him too far? The state he left the house in could have led him to the nearest bar… and I knew i
f that happened it would be a game changer for sure. I called Eamon and got no reply. I left a message hoping he was with Noah and he hadn’t gone alone.

  My next call was to Steve. He reassured me Noah would have gone to his parent’s place. His bolt-hole sanctuary for the times when he felt at his most vulnerable. It was a coping mechanism that he, his sponsor from alcoholics anonymous, and his family had agreed to.

  I was beside myself with worry all evening and if I’m honest a little afraid I had made a mistake living with him. I tried to focus on routine and fed George, then I helped Kathleen with Molly and George’s bedtime routines. All those tasks were performed with one eye on the phone. Molly asked continuously for Noah which wasn’t helpful either, and by the time she settled in bed I was worn smooth. Physically I was still recovering from George’s birth and emotionally, I was drained.

  Eventually Eamon rang to tell me Noah was indeed at his parents and although I sighed with relief, I felt furious with him for walking away at a time when I had needed him the most. I was infuriated, sulked because he never called before bed, and I was up most of the night with George who had decided he wanted to eat all night. Finally, at around it 5:00 am I managed to catch some asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Noah

  All I heard in my head on repeat were the words, Restraining order is revoked. Everything else washed over me until Lester explained the rest afterward, "You will begin a three-month supervision period which will allow Rudi Haxby time to adjust to the new relationship."

  The judge said if this is completed successfully we would reconvene and he’d discuss any future shared custody between Andrea and me. I figured she’d be ferocious in trying to block the decision, but Lester assured me she had to comply.

  The second part of what he said had made my heart sink because he said he wouldn’t make judgement on Molly until Rudi’s custody case was settled. All I remember was turning quickly to eye Lester, alarmed because I wanted Molly as much as I wanted Rudi, but Lester gave me a look that told me not to push my luck.

  Afterwards Lester made me see sense. Molly was not already related. Rudi was. Molly already lived with me so her living environment was settled and more able to handle a child being introduced to our home. She’d have one new person to deal with whereas Rudi had five people, including the baby and Kathleen.

  Lester said he thought the judge was sensible in his decision, and once I proved I was capable of putting Rudi’s needs first—as he was the child whose life was going to be disrupted the most—then with the restraining order revoked I would be given shared parental responsibility for Rudi as the judge had rubber stamped that. I was being watched and I couldn’t afford to fuck up.

  None of the legal stuff mattered. I felt ecstatic to have been given permission to have my son back in my life. Andrea could no longer control Rudi’s future with me by holding a legal paper over my head, and I couldn’t wait to tell Maggie that my son would finally be coming home to me… at least for some of his upbringing.

  As I got into the car with Eamon, my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest, the relief of years of worry suddenly decompressed and I felt free to breathe unaided for the first time since I could remember. It’s impossible to describe that feeling of the unjust sentence that had been imposed on me and how I had carried that around on my back like some huge boulder weighing me down.

  There hadn’t been a single day where I was free from the shame of assaulting that guy, but it was a reaction not an action to what he’d done to me. I knew from my past there was no point in protesting my innocence after the restraining order was granted and the appeal denied.

  “Good job, boss. I’m over the moon happy for you,” Eamon said by way of expressing his support, then stuck the stick shift in gear and drove me home.

  My mind was chaotic after the pressure of the week and flitted from seeing my new son George being brought into this world and severing the cord between his mother and him; Molly’s delight when she held him for the first time; and the fragmented memories of the few times I had gotten to hold Rudi before Andrea cruelly took her revenge on me for not loving her enough.

  Eamon hadn’t even stopped the car, when I opened the door to get out in my excitement to share the news from the court with Maggie, and I’ll admit Molly did take a back seat, but that was only after Lester had reasoned with me. I didn’t like how the judge had left Molly’s adoption hanging, but I had no choice but to accept it.

  Then… when I saw Maggie, I guess the enormity of the whole situation from the previous week hit me like a freight train. I handled it all wrong. If I’d just sat her down and calmly explained what the judge and Lester had said I knew she would have understood. Why couldn’t I have had that rational thought when I burst into the house and spewed my incoherent thoughts out the way I had?

  Perhaps if Maggie hadn’t gone on the defense about Molly, I’d have been able to get my frustration under control enough to explain it in a more palatable way, but instead I allowed my emotions to overwhelm me and it all went to shit.

  The curve ball she threw about the picture of the fans pissed me the fuck off. If I had ever met her sister, Shona, I had no recollection of her. We as a band met hundreds of girls every week, and I wouldn’t have known them again if I passed them in the street.

  Besides, Molly had a picture of her and Shona on her dresser in her room. I’ve looked at it many times and not once did I ever feel anything about it apart from sadness at her no longer being here for Molly.

  I think it was the way Maggie spoke that made me so defensive, challenging me about a picture I’d never even seen or remembered being taken, and I guess the whole tension and pressure of the incidents of that week just made me blow like I hadn’t done in years.

  Something snapped inside me as my chest tightened, squeezing the air out of my lungs like they’d burst if I didn’t do something to relieve the pressure.

  My normally controlled temper grew to boiling point, and I did the first thing that came to mind that I felt would relieve it and at the same time, tell Maggie in a nonverbal way not to push me any further. I picked up one of my shoes and threw it at the wall. Dramatic and shameful, but highly effective.

  There wasn’t a peep from Maggie after I’d done it and when I saw the look on her face, I knew the only thing left for me to do was to get out of there. I stepped into my shoes, grabbed my jacket off the floor and left.

  Eamon had heard the row between us—it would have been hard not to—and followed swiftly behind me. I’d grabbed the keys to the SUV from the bowl in the hallway and as I reached for the handle of the driver’s door, Eamon slammed his palm on the window.

  “No. You’re not driving like this. I’ll take you wherever you want to go but you’re not driving.” He reached over and took the keys from my hand, unlocking the door. I didn’t bother walking around to the passenger side, and opened the rear door instead, and slid into the back seat.

  I sat with my head in my hands and Eamon prompted me to pull on my seatbelt. I did as he asked, then he started the car and drove us away.

  As soon as we passed through the gates and headed into the road, I struggled to keep my emotions in check. My throat burned as I swallowed several times in succession in my effort to keep them back. It didn’t work and to be honest by that point I didn’t care that I looked weak and I let the tears flow.

  Eamon knew the drill and where to keep me safe and even though I felt a failure at running back to my parents at that particular moment, it was necessary to keep me from making the choice that would have killed my relationship with Maggie and my kids completely. They were worth more than any addiction or demon I had to fight and cowardly though it may have looked, it was the best way I knew how at that time, of ensuring I never slipped back.

  My mom was already waiting at the bolt-hole by the time I arrived, and I guessed someone in my network had told her the score. For a minute I stopped and wondered who had told her because Eamon ha
dn’t made any calls.

  “Steve rang me. Come on, let’s get you inside,” she coaxed in her warm, affectionate tone.

  “I’m sorry… I just…”

  “Shh. Glad you’re here and you’re safe. That’s all that matters. As soon as you’re settled, I’ll go over and see Maggie.” My heart ached at how I’d behaved and felt a failure at leaving her to care for our baby son.

  “She’ll understand, Noah. She’ll be proud you’ve come here instead of some bar to drown your sorrows,” she advised, but I wasn’t so sure about that. I stared at my mom’s face and never spoke. The door opened and Jason, my AA group sponsor stood in the doorway with his backpack over his shoulder.

  He shrugged the heavy pack off and threw it on the floor. “Never fear, the cavalry is here,” he joked and quickly strode over and hugged me. “Good job, Noah,” he praised.

  My eyes darted from Eamon, to my mom, then back to him, and I felt ashamed because three people dropped what they were doing to tend to me, and my heart hurt for Maggie.

  During that night Jason, my voice of reason, talked everything over with me and afterward my mood was much less dark. His constant reminders that I had so much to look forward to, helped.

  Talking about my relationship with Maggie and how much we loved each other helped. All I’d ever wanted was within reach he told me and by the time we went to bed I had decided I was strong enough to go home to Maggie the following morning.

  Eamon went to take my mom back to our place, and I’d insisted he stay with them over there. Once Jason had gotten to the crux of the matter and the events that had set me off he called Annalise on my behalf to find out exactly what the reporter who had been snooping around wanted. She explained what Maggie had already told me and had nothing new to add, so I figured we’d have to wait for publication.