Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  The best I could console myself with was that I hadn’t lied to Maggie. If I ever had met Shona, I had no recollection of ever doing so.

  It was 3:00 am when I finally passed out, only to be roused twenty minutes later from my dreamless sleep by Annalise again.

  “Sorry to wake you, Noah, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t get hold of Steve. The story that journalist was trying to rake up yesterday is out in the first editions. I’ve only just had it sent over by Flick in PR.”

  “And?”

  “Vivian Reed claims to be a friend of Shona and states that Shona had your secret baby.”

  My heart fell to the floor. “What the fuck? Where do they get these people? That’s ridiculous. Send me the article in my email,” I replied and grabbed Jason’s laptop off the coffee table. “Jason, what’s your password for your laptop?” I called out in frustration when I saw it was locked.

  Jason sleepily padded out of the spare room and took the laptop from me. He tapped in a few letters then turned it around and handed it back.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Some bullshit story from that woman I told you about last night. She’s claiming Shona had my baby—that Molly’s mine,” I replied defensively, as I logged into my email and waited for the article Annalise sent me to open. My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t even consider for one minute that this girl, Vivian, spoke the truth.

  Leaning forward when the pdf picture opened I studied it hard and sure enough George and I were in the background being crude about the girls in the foreground. I stared at the girl who was supposedly Shona and had no memory of her whatsoever. Nothing. My eyes ticked over the details in the photo for clues when it dawned on me it was in our home state of Massachusetts.

  I studied the picture of the two girls, both wearing Fr8Load t-shirts and I would never have recognized Shona as Maggie’s sister, except for one obvious trait: Shona’s eyes were almost exactly like Maggie’s and Molly’s. I couldn’t doubt the similarities between them, but the girl in the picture looked very different from the pictures I had previously seen of Shona.

  Calculating the dates in my mind I reckoned the picture was taken around the time I was single and before I had met Andrea. Then I felt sick to my stomach.

  No matter how hard I wanted this story to be untrue, from the amount of girls I had one night stands with back then there was the tiniest possibility that I could have… I couldn’t bear to think of the end of that sentence because the implications for Maggie and me were enormous. If the story had any credence I was in deep shit. We all were.

  My heart pounded wildly as I checked the number for the tabloid running the article and called the newspaper office. I wanted to speak to the journalist reporting the story myself.

  “Get Eamon on the phone, Jason. I’ve got to go home,” I said, shrugging my naked ass into my jeans and pulling the day old dirty t-shirt over my head. I was a mess.

  “Tell me there isn’t any truth in that,” Jason said after reading the article for himself while I hung on the line waiting to be connected to the scumbag reporter’s desk. I scowled as I gave him a dark look and shook my head in disbelief because honestly—I had no idea what to think.

  “Maggie’s gonna have your nuts if it turns out to be true,” he informed me as he scrolled for Eamon’s number, then winced like it was a thought he had, that had made it into words

  By the time Eamon had arrived, I had pains in my chest and I could hardly breathe. My heart had definitely been doing a cardio workout since I’d read the article. I took my seat in the passenger side of the car and enquired how Maggie was. Eamon just stared at me for a minute and started the engine. That said everything I’d expected. She was mad.

  My cell rang as Eamon pulled away from my parent’s place and I headed for home, this time with Jason in tow. He wouldn’t leave me, not with so much shit unresolved. My mind was in turmoil and I had no idea how I’d be able to come back from this with Maggie if there was a sliver of truth to this story.

  Victor Bright, the reporter, was no friend to me. He’d been the one who had covered the assault trial back in the day.

  When I had spoken to him, he’d taken delight in informing me of the damning evidence he had: namely email correspondence from Shona to Vivian and vice versa including pictures from the gig, emails about my sexual performance, and a catalogue of emails containing pictures which document the progression of her pregnancy. I sat in silence, stunned. If this is true, I’m fucked.

  I demanded Eamon drive faster because I had to get to Maggie before someone else got there first and hit her up with the full story as it was reported. The last thing I wanted for her was to hear it from someone else.

  Calling my legal team from the car, I asked if they had obtained the information Victor had been given to authenticate the claim. They had, and I asked them to send it over to me.

  Even if it were true, Maggie had to know I’d never have kept this from her, and I had to make her believe that I never knew anything about it… somehow.

  My mom was in the kitchen making tea for Maggie when we arrived back. It was only 6:40 am, but Molly was already up and dressed and eating breakfast. “Noah," she gushed as she slid down from her chair then ran full pelt into my arms.

  My heart cracked right open when her arms went around me because if she were truly my child, then my heart ached for Maggie, and for Shona in equal measure that she’d had a child belonging to me. It was the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling ever.

  I nodded to Mom who looked relieved I was home, and I headed up to see Maggie. The light was on in the nursery and I went in to find Maggie feeding George.

  “Thank God, you’re okay,” she said, and I felt a fresh wave of guilt. Of everything that had happened to her in the previous week, she had brushed it aside with concerns for me.

  “I’m so sorry about last night, Maggie. I handled it all wrong.”

  “Me too, Noah,” she replied and shifted her gaze from me to George feeding on her breast.

  I was desperate and dreading to tell her what had happened, but I didn’t want to disrupt her feed with George and decided I wouldn’t even attempt to broach the subject until their task was done.

  An overwhelming need for her to accept my innocence about Shona… even if the baby was mine washed over me and I wondered where the Hell I could find the words to explain. First, I had to explain what I had done the previous night to help her understand why I had reacted like I had.

  George fell away from Maggie’s breast and looked drunk and exhausted from his feed. I scooped him up in my arms, put him over my shoulder and patted his back to wind him. Maggie smiled at the sight of us together and I wished to God I wasn’t about to spoil the moment with what I had to say.

  Placing George in his crib I took Maggie by the hand and asked her to come to our room. I was worried about her reaction and another argument was a definite possibility.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Noah

  Maggie sat on the edge of the bed and instead of sitting beside her, I pulled a chair across and sat directly facing her.

  “You know I love you with all my heart, right?”

  “It’s okay, Noah. There’s no need to apologize. I guess both our feelings were running high yesterday,” Maggie said, thinking I was going to talk about me leaving.

  “Oh, honey, there is every need and I believe me I’m sorry, but that isn’t what this is about.”

  She frowned, puzzled at what else it could be.

  “You know you told me about the reporter who had been fishing about Shona?” I asked with my heart pounding in my chest.

  “Yeah.”

  “I have something to say about that this morning but before I do, I need to ask you something. Do you trust me?”

  Maggie’s eyes raked over my face as if trying to read what I had to tell her.

  “Yeah, Noah.”

  “Good,” I said and exhaled loudly.

 
; “Then you will believe me when I say I have no idea whatsoever about what I learned this morning,” I stated. “I know this is going to come as a huge shock, but you need to hear me out. The girl that went to the papers, Vivian something or other, she has told Victor Bright that Shona had a secret baby… and it’s mine.”

  Maggie’s face paled immediately; she breathed rapidly like there wasn’t enough air, then she passed out.

  “Mom, Eamon,” I called from the landing and ran back into the room. Scooping Maggie up in my arms I hugged her to my chest. What have I done? Everything I touch turns to shit. She doesn’t deserve this.

  When Maggie came around, she vomited, and I swore to myself if she forgave me for this I’d do anything she wanted just to be with her. Steve turned up at the house having been filled in by Annalise and he was livid that we were put in this position, especially with everything else we had on our plate.

  Mom was amazing. She sat with myself and Maggie and her common sense went a long way with helping Maggie to understand that it wasn’t my fault. That I never knew about Molly and it was Shona’s decision to keep the information to herself.

  At lunchtime, my legal team called to say they had attached all Shona’s emails to a zip file and had forwarded them for us to read. Maggie and I went into the den to read them from my laptop.

  Emails from Victor Bright

  6th Feb

  Shona to Vivian: OMGEEE! Last night was EVERYTHING I ever dreamed of. N is an animal in the sack. I could hardly walk this morning, but it reminds me this one wasn’t a dream it was REAL. #fuckedlikeabull. Luvsya S.

  6th Feb

  Vivian to Shona: I’m dead jealous! Lucky you. George was good, but pretty drunk, and if I’m honest a bit sloppy. Did you go home? (hugs) Viv.

  6th Feb

  Shona to Vivian: Moany Maggie is on my case.I think she’s forgotten what it’s like to be young. Call you next week. Luvsya S.

  There were daily exchanges following this email between the girls but nothing of significance to the story in those.

  4th April

  Vivian to Shona: Can you escape? Got two tickets for NYC gig on the 15th. Will you make it? I need my partner in crime. Maybe we can sneak backstage again. I could always blow a roadie if I need to. (hugs) Viv.

  4th April

  Shona to Viv: Definitely. I’ve been going out of my mind. I really need to see N again. Luvsya S.

  Then there were a series of emails regarding the concert getting closer and their excitement but nothing else significant other than the impending meeting.

  16th April

  Vivian to Shona: Where the hell did you disappear to last night? I managed to get into the Fr8Load dressing room and George remembered me. Squee. He invited me to spend the night with him in Rhode Island. (The sex was insane. I prefer sober George to drunk George.) No sign of Noah anywhere during the time I was there. Did you manage to meet up with him? (hugs) Viv.

  16th April

  Shona to Vivian: We got separated, and I lost my cell. Tried to con my way backstage but came up against that guy who guards N… Eamon. He told me N was already engaged, and I was wasting my time. Hitched a ride back to MA with a guy from Vermont and cried all the way home. Gonna try to get tickets on eBay for the gig in CT next month.

  Again, the girls kept in regular contact with nothing relevant to the story.

  17th May

  Vivian to Shona: Didya get the tickets? (hugs) Viv.

  17th May

  Shona to Vivian: Nope gotten beat in the online auction with five seconds to go :( Can’t afford to go after the others, they’re too expensive. Need new clothes I’ve gotten fat over the winter. Luvsya S.

  17th May

  Vivian to Shona: Everything happens for a reason. I’m kinda seeing someone so I’m not sure if I want to ruin that by going all ‘groupie to the band’ on him. (hugs) Viv.

  There were many more regular emails between the girls until this.

  22nd June.

  Viv to Shona: Been seeing this guy who practices Buddhism. Never been so interested in religion before. Maybe because he’s hung like a horse and knows how to use it ;) Decided to go traveling to Nepal and Tibet with him next month. Keep me up to date with Fr8Load. I doubt I’ll hear much about them where I’m going. Good luck at college in the fall, Shona. Knock ‘em dead. (hugs) Viv.

  Shona doesn’t reply and there’s a pause in their emails after Vivian leaves the country until these.

  22nd November

  Vivian to Shona: Heyyy girlie! It’s been a while, huh? I’ve been traipsing around these mountain passages and living in love shacks with my man. I love this life and I’m teaching English to the locals for my keep. I’m so happy, Shona, who would have thought this excitement loving groupie would settle with one guy, eh? What about you? I expected to see a long line of emails from you and there isn’t one. What the hell are you doing, girl? Fill me in. (hugs) miss ya Viv.

  22nd November

  Shona to Vivian: How weird that I was thinking about you last night and you pop up in my emails today. Glad you’re having so much fun, unlike me. It’s been a difficult time here, but I’m getting there. I have something to tell you and I think you are the ONLY one I can trust with my news. Here goes. On the 2nd of this month I had a baby girl, Molly. She’s as cute as a button but a demon during the night when she deprives me of sleep. I’ve barely slept a wink since the day she was born. I thank God she mainly looks like me but I can see little subtle things that tell me she’s her dad’s child as well. The truth is I never bid for the tickets for the gig in May because I already knew I was carrying her inside. I kept her a secret until I couldn’t hide her anymore and I had to confess. My sister, Maggie is furious with me. I get how she feels, I’m pretty pissed at myself for not being more careful, but I can’t deny how in love I am with my baby. I may never get to see Noah Haxby again, and I’m okay with that now, because I’ll always have something to remind me of the night I spent with him. Take this to the grave, Viv, you are the only person who knows about this. Luvsya S.

  23rd November

  Vivian to Shona: Sorry I just got your email. Internet here is extremely patchy. No shit! Shona. I’m speechless. You haven’t told anyone? Holy fuck, you just blew my mind. You must have known this before I left, and you never said a word. Why not? You shouldn’t have to do this all on your own. Maybe you should contact his manager, you never know, Noah may step up… financially at least. I’ve been catching up on Fr8Load online since your email and saw he’s with someone now… Andrea or something. For the record she looks like a bitch. You are far prettier. I bet she’s a gold digger. Don’t worry, Shona, for as long as you’re alive my lips are sealed. I love the photographs you sent, she is ultra-cute and you look adorable in the pictures with your blonde hair. I prefer that to the black and purple style you had when I met you. You’re right, I can see Noah in her. What a gorgeous baby. Your sister Maggie will have a hard job staying mad at you when she looks at that little girl. Her eyes are to die for. You are in so much trouble trying to tell that one off when she’s older. It must be hard for you seeing Noah on TV when you have kept this secret inside all this time. If you ever need to get things off your chest, you can always message me. (hugs) Viv.

  The girls had kept in touch a few times a year since then, mainly with Shona sending photographs around each birthday, then Vivian received an email from Shona which was dated 21st of December a month before she died.

  21st December

  Shona to Vivian: Hi hon, it’s been a while since we messaged, but I just had to tell someone my news or I’ll burst. I applied to an agency to gain experience with an image consultant and you’ll never guess what they threw up. Wardrobe Assistant for Fr8Load’s Image team. At first, I thought, no chance, but remember I’m really keen on marketing and advertising and I had done loads of fashion shows in high school. Anyway, I applied thinking I had nothing to lose. I almost fell over when three days later I got a call asking if I would be willing
to travel to Australia to support the image team for them. ME! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? I interviewed and although I lacked experience I had a handle on the band’s image and they HIRED me!

  So, I thought… this is fate, right? I mean I get to tell Noah face to face he has a daughter and you know what? I think it will make his world because that bitch Andrea (Yep you called that one right) has made his life a misery by keeping his son from him. (I know I have but this is different. He doesn’t know about Molly, so it doesn’t affect him the way his son does.) Anywhoo… I’m out of here 3rd Jan to fly to Sydney, AUSTRALIA. I’m scared to tell him because I know he’ll think I’m a crank, but I can’t wait to see his face when he actually knows about her. I’ve made him an album from naught to five as she had her fifth birthday last month. Pray for me or send good vibes or whatever Buddhist’s do because I hope he’ll be happy when I tell him. Why now? I can hear you ask. (See how well I know you?) Well, I’m over that period of insanity, and I don’t expect much from Noah, but Molly has asked me many times who her daddy is. I don’t want to lie to her so I’m going to give him the chance to know Molly and be her dad. If he doesn’t want that then I’m still going to tell her who he is because she shouldn’t go through life with that huge a void. That wouldn’t be right. Okay, I’ll message when I’m there and tell you how it goes. Luvsya S.

  26th December

  Vivian to Shona: Damned internet. I’ve just seen this. Whoo hoo. This is insane. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. Dream job or what? I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I wish I was there to support you through this. Remember I’m here if you need me. Life here is very sedate, loads of meditation and hugging. Still enjoying the local people, they’re so enthusiastic and treat me like a queen. Charlie has gone a bit deep and dull. If it wasn’t for the sex, I’d probably leave. (Yep, he really is that good.) (hugs) Viv.