Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

“Jodi, would you like to speak today?”

  “Sure, what wo-ou-uld you all lik-e-e to know?” I’m always this stand offish because my voice is brittle so words break and tail off.

  “Whatever you feel like sharing.”

  I clear my throat and stand from my hard plastic seat. “I’m Jodi Emery,” everyone claps. “I suffer from PTSD,” I breathe in a giant breath knowing I’ll need it to get through this next part of my speech. “I fought in Ir-a-a-q and tho-ought I was ok when I finally return-ned home, but life isn’t as simple-e as believ-ving everything is fine.” Another large breath “I don’t know why it star-rted but it did and my life spiralled out of control before I even knew what was hap-p-p-pening. A figment of my imag-ginat-tion haunted me for we-eeks and then I made myself an outsider from the only real friends and lo-o-ve I have ever really know-n-n because I didn’t know what was rea-a-al and what wasn’t any-y-m-more.” Another intake of air, “I put myself in a sit-ua-tion where som-me-one else suffering PTSD could hurt me really bad be-ca-cause his demons were worse than my own on-ly to end up almost dead and in here quite pregnant.” Speaking hurts my throat so normally I don’t speak for this long and I never share this much. “The on-ly man I’ve ev-ver loved won’t respond to my letters but that’s ok because I pu-sh-shed him away so he could live his life without me har-m-ming him more than he has already been harmed.” I lower my head before continuing and lean over gripping my knees. “But I want him here with me. I wa-an-nt him to n-need to be with me as much as I ne-eed to be with him. I want his arms wrapped around me keeping me sa-safe from my demons just as I wa-an-nt to shield him from his.” Gasps leave the lips of those around me in my circle of other sufferers and I don’t even bother looking up, I know they are all shocked at my speech; one that I haven’t wanted to do until now. “If I’m ever given the chance, I’ll tell him I was wrong, I’ll tell him how much this baby,” I rub my bump before continuing, “and I need him, because he centres me, he keeps me grou-n-nded and understands the pain and suffering like no one else. H-h-ee is the other half of my soul and without him I’m just another person fighting something alone.” A voice clears from the back of the room where all the loved ones sit, family members of this group allowed to be here for their tortured loved ones as a support. When I lift my heavy aching body to follow the sound my eyes lock with the most beautiful soul I’ve ever met.

  “Baby.” He rasps before walking towards me.

  I scramble between the chairs in the circle and run to him leaping into his outstretched arms as graceful as a pregnant buffalo. It doesn’t make sense that he is here but I know I fucking love everything about the fact he is. Nothing has changed about him, he is still just as perfect and I still love him because without him I’d be dead I have no doubt.

  “I want to take you home.”

  “I’m no-not allowed to leave.”

  “You are; you are ready baby.”

  “What?”

  “You are ready, technically you were ready last week but we had some stuff to get organised but its home time.” He pulls my face into his as his lips touch mine as gently as he can manage. I want to devour him but the audience stops my train of thought.

  “Jodi!” I hear from behind Jenson.

  “Emily?” I remove my limbs which have fused to Jenson and he releases me so I can stand but he holds onto me as I wrap my free arm around my best friend. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Fuck, we have missed you beyond words.” She pulls me against her and almost squeezes the life out of me. “Don’t scare us like that again you hear me?” I nod and turn back to the man who saved me.

  “I’m re-re-ady to go home now.”

  Cory

  I take her hand in mine with a nod of agreement from the group leader. She is ready for this so my heart feels amazingly light. I feel like the torture I’ve been going through every day is totally worth it right at this moment. I lead her from the room so we can grab the stuff that the nurses have packed while she was out of her room.

  “Did you grab everything?” I ask worrying that they missed something.

  “Everything; we even turned the mattress.”

  “Did you hide anything baby?” She looks at me and shakes her head. “Ok then, let’s get out of here your mum and dad are on pins waiting to see you.”

  She’s silent the whole car journey home and except from nodding or shaking her head to Emily she keeps her eyes trained to the passenger side window the whole way. My heart is in my mouth as we pull up to her parent’s house and they come running for the car as soon as I hit the brakes and switch off the engine.

  “Sweetheart, are you ok?” They ask as soon as they pull open her door and drag her from the car seat.

  “I’m go-ood.” When their faces drop she puts on a smile and continues. “I swear I’m good, really good.” They look at me for guidance and all I can do is shrug my shoulders.

  “We have missed you so much, look at you, you are glowing.” She smiles then looks at me. I walk over to her wrapping my arms around her waist.

  “Could use a coffee over here.” Emily state’s breaking the tension as she walks towards the house.

  When Diane and Cal follow her to the door Jodi turns to me. “So you bre-eak me out the nut house and shack-ack-le me to my parents’ house?” Her tone is accusatory.

  “No, you have full reign of my house but they were dying to see you. I’ve done out the nursery and everything you own is in our house because I couldn’t stand being away from you a minute longer. You said if we were meant to be we would and I’m not fucking passing up another moment to have you where I know you will be forever safe.”

  Her smile lights her face and I know she’s happy with my answer.

  “You want us both?”

  “Of course I do, forever and always.”

  “But the ba-aby isn’t yours, we haven’t even been together.”

  “It doesn’t matter. In here” I point towards my heart, “in here you have always been mine and always will be. Both of you will always be mine and I will always be both of yours.”

  She grabs my hand and pulls me towards her mum and dads house.

  Chapter 31

  Jodi

  I feel like my whole life has turned and righted itself as we walk into my parent’s house. I’ve wanted him forever and even after everything he still wants me. What blows my mind is that he wants my baby also. He wants a baby that belongs to a man who hurt me.

  Shit, I want a baby from a man who hurt me; I release Jenson’s hold on me when we reach the door.

  “You ok baby?” He asks fear written all over his face.

  “I think so,” I drag in a long breath before continuing, “my emotions are all over the pla..ace and I didn’t think about Lance and that the baby belon...ged to him but when you said you wan..ted us both, it hit me it was his. I’m scared; it’s a lot for someone to take on.”

  “It is I agree, but I’ve had months to think about it. I haven’t found anyone I want more than I’ve wanted you. It’s been years since we met and from that moment I’ve wanted no one but you.”

  “You dated?”

  “I wouldn’t call it dating.” His head turns down.

  “Slept around?”

  “I wouldn’t call it that either. I might have bragged to the guys a little but I can count on one hand the amount of people I have spent more than one date with.”

  His face falls and my heart aches for him. “I don’t sleep around despite the rumours.”

  “Seriously, you broke some hearts in our army time?” I state jokingly.

  “My rep engulfs even myself.” His face falls even more.

  “You’re worrying me Jenson.”

  “Sorry baby.”

  “What is wrong?”

  “I don’t sleep around I might have a rep but it isn’t real. I erm, I mean erm, I might have dated but I haven’t slept around.”

  “Jenson, I haven’t slept around either, well I didn’t sleep around.
” I say rubbing my bump.

  “Don’t blame my baby for being promiscuous.” Jenson says laughingly at me. His lips drift towards mine and I throw myself at him and lock my lips to his with as much force as I can.

  Electricity bolts from our joined lips to the very end of my being; pulsing from my very core and fusing us together.

  Breathing harshly, Jenson pulls himself away from me.

  “I want you but I want you to call me Cory, I still struggle with my PTSD daily but it isn’t as bad as it once was so I’m praying daily that when eventually you feel slightly better you will call me by the name I was given and will take the name you call me.”

  “You want to ma-marry me?” Shit I’m lost, how did we get here this fast?

  “I’d have married you seven, eight, shit ten years ago. But eventually, yes I want to be your husband, your warrior and the man who above all else will seek to fight for you every single day of my life, my entire existence.”

  “Isn’t that what you do anyway?”

  “Yep!”

  “And you want to be he-ere even after everything?”

  “Hell yes! I want to be everything to you. Everything I’ve never had before, everything you have never had before.”

  His mouth betrays him and I slip, “even though this baby isn’t really yours?”

  “Define not mine.”

  He asks for clarification.

  I open my mouth to answer but my voice doesn’t work. I have spoken far too much today.

  Chapter 32

  Cory

  3 months later

  “Baby have you lit the barbecue?”

  “Yes Jode, I’ve lit the barbecue and I’ve had the steaks out ready to go. What the hell time are your parents and Emily coming?”

  “They just pulled up altogether; it’s like a train out there. All the cars lined up one after the other.”

  “Who the hell did you invite? You’re one day off having my baby, if you go into labour I swear I’ll leave you to do it alone.”

  “Yeah right, you couldn’t go five minutes without plaguing my life.”

  She is right, I don’t even know why I opened my mouth and said that but this was a family barbeque; a train of cars isn’t family. When the doorbell rings she waddles her cute little ass away from me and I feel like I’ve lost my arm. She’s my mobile phone; you know when you lose it and it’s like you lost a limb. When Jodi leaves the room, I lose my arms. I’m lost and feel like someone has taken my favourite toy; shit no, that’s wrong she isn’t a toy but she is my life.

  “Baby can you come here?” I need to get the steaks on; does she not realise the quickest way to get rid of these fuckers is to feed them fast.

  “Cory, baby hurry up.” I try to undo the stupid apron she tied around me before I lit the barbeque with no luck at all and decide unhooking it from my head will hide the Hello Kitty feature on the front with it being folded over.

  When I storm through the passage way towards the door, I see the face of someone I never thought I’d see again, causing me to take a double step; my heart skips several beats.

  “Hello son.”

  Fuck, holy fuck, holy shit, fuck!

  “Dad?” My head twists and there hiding behind my woman is my mam. “Mam?”

  “Hello son.”

  “You did this?” I face Jodi and ask.

  “Yep.” She nods her head and smiles her truly panty dropping smile at me.

  “Cory, we can leave if you are not ready, I mean we want you back in our life but if you are not ready we can leave.” My heart shatters at the words spilling from one of the strongest men I’ve ever known. “You know your mam and I only left it this long because you weren’t ready and if you still aren’t we will wait, son, we would wait a life time to have you back.”

  When my mam walks towards my dad with tears spilling from her eyes, my heart breaks for their pain but it’s the look in my beautiful girls eyes that shocks my system and tells me everything I need to do. Just as they pull open our front door to leave, I find my voice.

  “No, it’s ok. Shit, I needed you both a long time ago, maybe now, maybe we can make this work.” Jodi smiles a watery smile at me as both my parents’ spring into action and throw themselves at me.

  “Son, Cory, baby… we have missed you so much, and you’re going to make us grandparents.” They both speak at the same time and it causes my voice to falter.

  “To… erm yes tomorrow. Well, so they say.” My mam wraps her arms around my body.

  “We know; Jodi told us, we know everything.” When I swing my eyes towards Jodi, she cowers slightly at my gaze.

  “This baby is mine; if you have a problem with this story then it isn’t worth you being her.” My defences are up and I’m ready for war.

  “Baby, don’t be a dick.” Jodi states just as the doorbell goes and I stalk off towards the barbeque where I know I’m safe.

  “He’s just shocked; I swear he wants you here. He’s just fighting against the need because he’s done it for so long.” I don’t wait to hear more.

  The sizzle of the meat cooking on the grill pulls at my heart and knowing that they are here somewhere in the garden makes checking everything super important. I’ve not lifted my eyes from my cooking for the last two hours. They are here and aren’t imposing as is my mantra but when I needed my family, they left me to bleed. My princess initiated this so I can’t find fault with her, I’m just not ready for their judgement again. They told them to fix me. They wouldn’t let me come home, they said I was warped; this runs on repeat constantly through my head. I’m a big fucking disappointment just like I always was. I mean, I didn’t really want to go home to them but I didn’t not really want them in my life.

  “Baby, are you ok?” She whispers in my ear as I shuffle away from the barbeque and pull her towards me.

  “You need to realise something princess, I don’t need anyone except you and my little angel. We have never spoken about this but they didn’t see what I went through as something that was real and I needed them when they never wanted me. They didn’t want to help me. They were dead to me Jodi, they are not a necessity in my life.”

  “Our life Cor, I need this to be the beginning of that and so do you, even if you do not see it. We need to start this new venture with the least stress possible; our baby will be here within the next few days and I need all one hundred percent of you.”

  “You have every single part of me. There is nothing in my life that isn’t affected by you.”

  “Sorry to interrupt Cory, but people are starving can we grab some burgers?” Emily flicks her eyes between us.

  “Shit!” I quickly turn around and pull the almost burnt burgers and sausages from the grill then I turn everything else before shouting for someone to take over.

  “I’ll do it son.” My body tenses at his words but I just nod and walk toward the door with my baby in tow.

  Chapter 33

  Jodi

  Would you have done what I did? I’m starting to regret asking them to come here but I know if I hadn’t Cory would have forever pretended they were dead.

  “Baby I’m sorry I asked them here but this is our last hurdle. This is the last thing we have to figure out before the little one arrives.”

  “Princess, it will never end because of them, they will make sure we know that our baby isn’t really ours because the DNA doesn’t match in the way they want it too.”

  “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”

  “They left me high and dry when I came home. Orphaned me as soon as they were told I tried to kill myself. I was in a bad place and they refused to have me home with them even though they were told it could possibly help me.” My mouth opens like a fish. “Nobody wanted me.”

  “Well I fucking want you now and I want you whole. We have been through far too much to allow anything else to drag us down. So baby suck it up, have your words with them and then if needs be send them packing because if they haven’t changed enough
to accept the amazing man you are they aren’t worth it. I’m so sorry I brought them here and made you have to deal with this stuff but as soon as I spoke to them they told me they loved you, always had and always will. I just want you truly whole.”

  “Baby, what you don’t realise is I’m whole as long as I have you.”

  “Same goes lover.” His face splits into the most amazing grin I’ve ever seen and he pulls my body as close as he can to his before giving me the most amazing swoon worthy kiss before walking towards the people who hold the last part of his horror in their hands.

  My hand holds my stomach as niggly pains flick across it. Damn party, I could just go to sleep. Why I thought planning this for this weekend was a good idea, I’ll never know. Restless legs and all I slink down into the closest chair and without conscious thought my eyes flicker shut.

  “I’m here you know? We both are. You are walking the finest of lines. Stop pretending. Stop living a lie. Stop. You deserve everything you get; and we will both get you.”

  I startle awake my breaths shallow and restricted. What is going on? Why is it so dark? My hands move instinctively to my stomach but I can barely reach I’m restricted. My throat swells with fear knowing that everything that has been so good for the last few months is now ruined, gone forever.

  Jenson

  One minute she was standing and the next she was almost slumped in the chair I thought she was just tired until my mother screamed.

  “Cory, ring 999 hurry!” Pulling my phone from my pocket I dial the number while I fall at her side. Someone pulls the phone from my hand and I hear them explain what is going on, then the hand that falls to my shoulder pats me with reassurance.

  “Son, it will work out.” It’s Cal and I can feel his worry wrap with mine; nothing has been simple for any of us but we learned to lean on each other. I’m thankful to them both.

  Mum works on Jodi making sure she is breathing while Cal, Diane and I have a mini meltdown. The sounds of sirens doesn’t rouse us until they are lifting my whole world onto a stretcher with my mum rambling everything that happened prior to and after Jodi’s attack.