Healed

by Rebecca Brooke

  When my phone had gone off the first time at the reception they were just about to start announcing the bridal party, so I’d ignored it. My family knew where I was. I figured if it was important they would leave a message.

  Then the phone rang again.

  By the third time, I just wanted it to stop. Never in a million years had I expected my dad to tell me that my mom had suffered a stroke and I needed to get to the hospital right away if I wanted a chance to say good-bye. Mom was an organ donor so they were keeping her on a respirator until suitable recipients could be found, but that could have been at any time.

  She was too young. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye. Yet here I sat, in the middle of the silent living room . . . motherless.

  Jess was up in her room. She’d cried herself to sleep not long after we got back from the hospital. It killed me that there was nothing I could do to help her. She was my little sister and I’d always protected her, but this was a pain I couldn’t take away. How could I when I couldn’t even save myself?

  A little while ago Dad had gone into the kitchen and hadn’t come back out. I could only guess that was where he felt the closest to her. Mom loved to cook and spent a lot of her time in the kitchen. For that very reason, it was the one place I didn’t want to be.

  Then there was Emily, sitting right beside me, doing her best to be there for me. The problem was I didn’t know what to do, so we sat in silence.

  Waiting.

  Waiting for what I wasn’t sure. The day to be over? Some kind of magical grief cure? Maybe I was waiting for the numbness to wear off. For me there hadn’t been any tears. Not even one. Jess had been crying since we’d gotten to the hospital, but Dad was trying to hold them back. Why? I didn’t know. He might have been trying to be strong for us. But for me there just weren’t any and I didn’t understand why. Jumping to my feet I turned to Emily, who seemed startled.

  “I’m going to bed, are you coming?”

  “What? Here?”

  “Yes, here. I can’t leave yet but if you want to go, take my car.” Josh had come to the hospital to pick Nick up once the reception was over so that we’d still have my car when we were ready to leave.

  “I wouldn’t leave you. It’s just that we’ve never stayed here before.”

  Reaching my hand out, I pulled her up off the couch. “I know. Come on, we could both use some rest.”

  My body was too tired to argue or care. Not that things would look better in the morning, but at least I wouldn’t be surrounded by the silence.

  Over the next few days, things passed in a whirlwind. There was so much to do, all of it stuff I’d never thought I’d be doing at this point in my life. And there didn’t seem to be enough time to get it all done.

  The morning after we’d left the hospital, I found Dad passed out at the kitchen table, a mostly empty bottle of whiskey next to him. I’d helped him to bed and let him sleep it off, but every morning since then it was the same thing. Thankfully when I’d talked to my boss, he’d told me to take as much time as I needed, because with the way things were going, who knew how long it would be before I’d be back in work. Jess couldn’t bring herself to go to the funeral home, so I left her home with Emily and went with my dad. Someone had to keep him company.

  So there we were, sitting in church for what would probably be the worst day of my life. Everything hurt. I couldn’t bring myself to look to the front of the room so I looked to my left, and my pain intensified. The dark circles under the red-rimmed eyes of my dad were like knives to the chest. He’d always been my rock. Every problem I’d ever had, he’d been there for me, whether it was a simple question about homework, or girls. He always had answers. He’d been the one to encourage me to propose to Emily, telling me stories about him and Mom, and how life was perfect for them.

  My eyes started to burn as I tried to hold onto my emotions. It was my turn to be there for him, but I wasn’t sure I could. My heart hurt as much as his did. Jess sat on his other side, and he had his arm wrapped tightly around her as she cried into his shoulder. Everything was so fucked up.

  Unable to watch them anymore, I finally faced forward, only to be confronted with the source of my pain. My shoulders tensed. The pressure on my hand increased, making me turn my head away. There, to my right, sat Emily, in the place that would always be hers. As I’d tried to be there for my dad, she’d been my rock. Whatever I needed, she was there. The glistening in her eyes made me want to comfort her—it was my normal reaction, to do anything I could to take her pain away—but I couldn’t do it. Maybe I was a dick, but I just didn’t have it in me. I had too much of my own pain to deal with.

  Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard the minister talking—although, if you’d asked me later, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you a damn word he’d said. All I could think about was the paper in my pocket. Jess had wanted to say something at the funeral and made me promise to go up and speak with her. It wasn’t until I was confronted with it that I regretted agreeing.

  “I’d like to call up Sarah’s children, as they have something they would like to say.”

  Emily squeezed my hand as I stood to follow my sister to the front of the room. Dabbing at her eyes, Jess tried to get herself under control as we walked forward. I wrapped my arm around her in support and we made the trip together, just like we’d done when we were little. We went hand in hand to face our fears.

  Except the dark was a whole lot less scary.

  When we reached the microphone, I gestured for Jess to go first. I wanted to be there for her if she needed me and I wasn’t sure I would have the emotional strength when I was done. Standing up there was hard enough.

  Jess took a deep breath and began. “My mom was an amazing woman. To the little girl inside me, she was a superhero. Everything I needed, she was there. She cleaned and bandaged my scrapes, and brought me ice cream when I had boy trouble. She helped us with our homework, and dried our tears.” This time the tears fell unchecked down her cheeks. “Mom, we don’t know what we’ll do without you. You were the heart and soul of our family and things will never be the same without you. I miss you more than any words can say. I love you, Mom. You will always be in my heart.”

  With that my sister lost all control and let the sobs free as I pulled her to me, stroking her hair, trying my best to get her to calm down. The only other sounds in the room were the sniffles of the people watching my sister’s breakdown. There was a tap on my shoulder. Standing there was the best friend I’ve ever had.

  “Do you still want to speak?” Nick asked.

  A quick peek a Jess was all I needed. “I promised her I would.”

  “Then give her to me. I’ll stay with her until you’re done.”

  “Thanks, Nick,” I said, handing my sister over to Nick, knowing that he would take care of her for me. He helped her down the stairs and to the seat between himself and Emily, who stroked Jess’s hair and held her hand.

  When I looked around the room, I saw the faces of my family and friends. Friends who had become like an extended family to me. They sat there, supporting me and my family, every one of them. Caleb and Angie had even postponed the first day of their honeymoon to be there. It helped to feel like I was surrounded by love. I pulled my glasses off and wiped my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. Taking the little piece of paper out of my pocket, I cleared my throat, not sure if there was anything else I could have done to be ready for that moment.

  “Let me start off by saying that we can’t thank you enough for being here for us today. Saying good-bye to my Mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face, yet just knowing that we have the support of people who care about us is huge. It doesn’t fill the hole left by her passing, but it can help us on the road to peace. My mom was a woman of vision and character. She was the cool mom. Always taking care of my friends when they were at the house. And with the way my mom liked to bake, my friends were always at my house. She never missed a thing we did. Whether it was football or
karate, she went to everything. My mom always supported me in everything I did and I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her. I will miss her every day, and I only hope that she knows how much we love her. I love you, Mom.”

  Something wet dripped onto the paper and I realized that it was my tears. I stepped down and walked right into Emily’s waiting arms and for the first time since everything happened, I allowed myself to cry.

  Dad had chosen to forgo the graveside. He said he didn’t want to put any of us through it, but I think it had more to do with him not being able to handle it. That still left us to deal with the wake being held at our house. My aunt had helped us to get everything catered so we wouldn’t have to deal with anything more than we absolutely had to, for which we were all grateful.

  The moment the minister was done speaking, Dad wasted no time standing up and walking out of the church. Nick looked at me, waiting for me to decide what happened next, but what was I supposed to do? Stand around and make small talk with everyone? If that was what they wanted, they were going to have to do it at home because the room felt like it was starting to close in on me.

  I need to get out of here.

  With a nod I stood up, Emily’s hand linked in mine. Nick followed my lead with his arm still wrapped around Jess, taking care of her as if she was his own sister.

  Once we reached the car, I handed my keys to Nick, who took them without question and climbed into the driver’s seat after helping Jess into the back.

  “Do you mind if I sit in the back with Jess?” I asked Emily.

  “Not at all.” She leaned up on her toes and placed a kiss on my cheek. “Whatever you need.”

  Walking around to the front, she sat in the passenger seat next to Nick. He put the car into gear and we were on our way. Reaching out, I wrapped my arm around Jess’s shoulder and pulled her close.

  “How’re you holding up?”

  She sniffled. “Andrew, what are we going to do?”

  That was the ultimate question. Unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer.

  “We’ll find a way.”

  “I just don’t think we will.”

  I squeezed her tighter to me. “We have to. There’s no other way. Dad needs us.”

  “He’s been drinking every night,” she whispered.

  That was something I hadn’t wanted her to know. I’d been getting up early and helping him to bed before she got up, hoping to keep it from her. “I’m sorry. I’d hoped you hadn’t seen it.”

  She shrugged. “I didn’t, but I could smell it on his breath. Especially this morning.”

  Oh, man. Dad had ridden over to the church early, saying he wanted some alone time with Mom before everything got started. I’d had no idea that he’d been drinking.

  “I’ll take care of it when we get back to the house.”

  Since we only had a church service, Dad hadn’t bothered with a limo—choosing instead to drive his own car. I was surprised when we got back to the house and his car wasn’t in the drive. He’d left the church before us. There was no reason he shouldn’t already be there. Jess sat up to open the door and her brow furrowed.

  “Where’s Dad?”

  Other cars were starting to pull up in front of the house.

  “I’m not sure. But right now people are starting to show up. Let’s get everything settled inside, then we’ll worry about it.”

  Walking into the house, it was a relief to see that everything was set up and ready to go. The caterers had even promised to be back later to clean up. Emily went to check on everything in the kitchen while Jess and I went into the living room to walk around and thank people for coming.

  About fifteen minutes later, my dad finally showed up, a large brown paper bag in his hand. I knew exactly where he’d been. His gaze locked with mine the minute he stepped through the front door. No one really noticed his arrival since they were so focused on Jess and myself, and he was able to sneak off into the kitchen, probably to have another drink. The minute I was able to excuse myself without drawing extra attention, I followed him into the kitchen. The scene in front of me was almost more than I could handle.

  My dad was sobbing, so hard he could barely breathe, wrapped in Emily’s arms, tears running unchecked down her face. The look in Emily’s eyes said she didn’t know what to do.

  “Dad?”

  His head snapped up and he quickly wiped away the tears on his face.

  “Em, can you go and keep Jess company while I talk to Dad?”

  “Sure.” She squeezed my shoulder on the way out.

  “Dad, what are you doing?” I guided him over to the table then said quietly, “I know you were drinking this morning.”

  “I don’t know what else to do. It’s the only time there doesn’t seem to be a giant, gaping hole in my chest.”

  I reached out and grabbed his hand. “We’re just going to have to figure it out.” Somehow, when it came to being there for Dad and Jess I had all of this strength. Who knew how long it would last. “You have to promise to cut back on the liquor. Jess knows you’re drinking and she needs you . . . we both do.”

  “I’m sorry, Andrew. I don’t know what’s come over me. I promise, I’ll stop with the drinking.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I’m gonna go out and help Jess deal with everyone. You come join us when you’re ready.”

  He sighed and nodded. This wasn’t exactly my favorite thing either, but I could only imagine the pain he was feeling. I glanced across the room and my eyes locked with Emily’s. The thought of something happening to her made my chest tighten. So, yeah, I guess I could see why he was drinking.

  Emily was standing with Jess and our friends on one side of the room, and Caleb and Josh each gave me a heavy nod as I made my way over.

  Angie immediately stepped up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. “I’m so sorry, Andrew.”

  “Thank you. You two didn’t have to postpone your honeymoon,” I said, hugging her back.

  Caleb patted me on the back. “Of course we did. She was your mom. Our trip could wait an extra few days.”

  My throat burned. The love of my friends was everything I needed and more.

  “Thanks.”

  Angie stepped away. “Is there anything you need?” Josh asked.

  “Not that I can think of. We’re heading back to our place tomorrow.” I gazed around the room and noticed that my dad had finally joined everyone in the living room. His eyes were haunted as he stood next to my aunt, talking to old friends.

  “Well, you know anything you need, we’re here.”

  Unable to speak past the lump in my throat, I nodded and locked eyes with Nick. So far they’d all been there for me—my best friend more than I ever expected. Fighting for control over my emotions, I spent a bit of time talking with them—at least, until I excused to myself to deal with the rest of my obligations.

  Emily stayed with me the entire day, offering strength and comfort when she could. Even though it was hard, I did everything I could to keep my emotions wrapped up tight. Neither Jess nor my dad needed to see it. It was my job to be strong for them.

  The day seemed to drag on and on, and it was hours until the house was empty again. Jess had gone to her room hours earlier, claiming she had a headache. I wasn’t stupid. I knew she just wanted to be alone. Dad had given into his need for a beer and had escaped to the kitchen, then up to his room. Hopefully, being up there meant he was only going to have one, instead of the rest in the fridge. The TV was playing in the background, and Emily and I were sitting on the couch. Not that I was watching it, but it was nice to have some noise to drown out my thoughts.

  I looked around the living room at all of the pictures on the walls and tables. They were all of such happy times in my life. There were vacations, graduation, games. Anything and everything my sister and I had done growing up. Evidence of how happy we’d been. Yet I had to wonder how many things Mom hadn’t gotten to do with her life. Things she pushed to the side, thinking that she’d d
o them later.

  There were plenty of things that I hadn’t done. Some out of fear, others because I was worried about what others might think. Would they judge me if I made different decisions? If I did the things I wanted to, things my friends had been doing for years. No one had ever given them a hard time.

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I’d missed out on by letting my fears control me. The difference between my mom and I? I had time to change it. If there was one thing I could take from Mom’s death, it was that I didn’t want to have regrets. Life was too short, and I couldn’t keep living it the way I thought everyone else wanted me to. One of the few times I’d leapt without thinking had brought the most wonderful woman into my life. Many of the guys shied away from more than a few dates with Emily. Her temper was a force of its own, but to me it was part of who she was and while there were times it caused me grief, I still loved every part of her. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t thank my lucky stars that Emily loved me as much as I loved her.

  When I looked down at her angelic face I noticed her lashes lying softly against her smooth skin. The day had been exhausting for all of us. I was actually surprised that I was still awake. Turning, I pulled Emily into my arms and stood up. With an elbow I flicked the switch to turn off the lights and made my way up the stairs. Emily groaned, her eyes flickering.

  “Shh . . . I’ve got you. Go back to sleep.”

  And just like that, she cuddled into my embrace as I walked down the hall. The truth of that statement was so much more than carrying her to bed. The thought of Emily not being in my life scared me to death. My dad was in so much pain right now. Whatever it took, I would keep Emily safe. Not that my dad had failed to do that for Mom, but I was going to learn from this whole horrible experience.

  The minute I entered the room, I set Emily down on the bed. Once I’d gotten her changed and under the covers, I stripped down to my boxers and climbed in next to her. It had been almost a week since that dreaded phone call and as I closed my eyes, I promised myself that starting the next morning, I was going to stop being afraid and do all of the things I ever wanted to do.