Healed

by Rebecca Brooke

  I was going to try living for me.

  Emily

  THE MORNING AFTER THE funeral we went back to our own apartment. Work had given me a week off, but I had to go back in the following Monday. Andrew let me drive on the way home. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him fidgeting in his seat, and I knew he felt guilty about leaving his dad. Since he’d been given more time off than me, I’d told him he could stay but he said he didn’t want to be without me, and decided to come as well. Then again, it wasn’t like he couldn’t drive back during the day while I was at work.

  Walking back into our place felt weird. The minute we went inside, Andrew turned to me, his eyes shadowed.

  “I’m gonna lie down for a bit.”

  Last night, he’d tossed and turned. He couldn’t have gotten much sleep and probably just needed a quick nap. “Okay, I need to get some stuff done for Monday. Plus, I’ll get started on all of the laundry,” I said, gesturing to the bags at my feet. Nick had done a good job of keeping the place clean, probably because he was afraid I’d freak if we came home to a mess. He’d been really good the past week, being there every time Andrew needed him.

  He placed a quick kiss on my lips. “All right, just be careful.”

  “Umm . . . I will.”

  Be careful? That was weird. What did he think was going to happen in the laundry room in the basement of the building?

  After he went down to the bedroom, I threw the clothes and soap into a basket and carried it downstairs. Once I got everything into the machines, I went back upstairs, knowing I had at least an hour before the clothes would be ready to move to the dryer.

  When I walked in, Nick was sitting on the couch watching TV. He looked up as the door closed behind me.

  “Hey. I saw Andrew’s car in the lot. Are you guys back, or just picking up clothes?”

  I dropped the empty basket by the door and took the seat next to him. “We’re back. I have to go back to work on Monday. I told him to stay, but he said he wanted to come back.”

  “Where is he?”

  “He didn’t sleep very well last night so he’s taking a nap.”

  “How’s he doing? He seemed okay yesterday.”

  I sighed. “I don’t think he’s as good as he pretends to be. I know he’s grieving, but something is different. I can’t really explain it. I also think he’s trying to hide a lot of his pain from his sister and his dad.”

  “Yeah, his dad didn’t look well yesterday.”

  “I can’t imagine what he’s going through. Just the thought of losing Andrew makes me want to throw up.”

  “Nothing can help except time. We just need to be there for him when he needs us.”

  “We will.” I rested my hand on his knee. “Thank you for everything you did this week.”

  “He’s my best friend. I’d do anything I had to for him, just like you would.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs. “How long does he have off work?”

  “They told him to take as much time as he needs. In the car he was saying about helping his dad get everything in order and going back late next week, or the Monday after that.”

  “What happened with Caleb and Angie’s honeymoon?”

  “They made their flight. She texted me right before she got on the plane.”

  “Good for them. I felt bad that everything went down during the wedding.” He leaned against the back of the couch, looking more exhausted than I felt. He’d probably gotten as much sleep as I had over the last week, as we both did our best to help Andrew stay afloat. And while I wasn’t a fan of talking about everything that was going on at his dad’s house, I knew Nick was simply looking for way to help.

  I shrugged. “Shit happens. Trust me. Those two know that better than anyone.”

  “Very true.”

  Nick and I sat and watched whatever crazy reality show he had on the TV.

  “What are your plans for dinner?”

  He shrugged. “Morgan left for her parents’ house this morning, so either we’re cooking or ordering.”

  “I’m not cooking tonight. Let’s get pizza.”

  “Works for me.”

  “Okay, how about you call and order it.” I stood and reached into my purse, which was on the chair next to me, to pull out some cash. “Here’s some money. I’m going to go down and move the clothes to the dryer. I’ll be right back up.”

  “Can do,” he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Since he hated to cook, Nick had most of the local places on speed dial.

  I walked out the door and went down to the basement but when I got there I realized that one of the washers was done, but the other had stopped spinning in the middle of the cycle.

  Damn it. They were supposed to be done at the same time so I didn’t have to keep running up and down the stairs. Lifting the lid, I gave the agitator a couple of quick turns, hoping that would get it to spin when I shut the lid. The second it closed, I could hear the washer pick up exactly where it had left off.

  Deciding that I didn’t feel like running back downstairs in ten minutes time, I sat down and pulled my phone out, sending a text to my mom before checking my Instagram page while I waited. It wasn’t the first time the washer had stopped on me. I’d learned how to fix it without making any calls. That way I didn’t have to wait for someone to come down and do the same thing.

  Moving to the other one, I pulled the clothes out and threw them into the waiting dryer. In the middle of answering my mom’s text, my phone started ringing.

  Andrew? Why was he calling?

  “Where are you?” Andrew’s voice was terse, and although I didn’t like being snapped at, he was tired and emotional so I knew he wasn’t acting like himself. Everyone who has a temper like mine has a trigger. One of mine was rudeness—I couldn’t stand it. Usually I wouldn’t have let him speak to me like that, but I chose to bite my lip.

  “The laundry room. Isn’t Nick with you?”

  “Yeah, he said you went down there over ten minutes ago.” Anger laced his tone. What was he pissed about? He’d known I was going to do the laundry. There was nothing new about this scenario.

  “The washer stopped in the middle of the spin cycle and I didn’t feel like coming back up, just to run back down in ten minutes, so I waited here.”

  “Next time text someone and let them know that.”

  The line went dead.

  Whoa. What the fuck was that?

  I was only downstairs. Why the hell was he freaking out? By then the washer had finished so I moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer and went back upstairs. When I walked through the door, Andrew was pacing the room like a caged lion, running his hands through his hair. The sound of the door stopped him in his tracks, his head snapping in my direction. Before I could say anything I was engulfed in his arms.

  “I’m sorry I yelled. I was so worried.”

  I patted him on the back. “I was only down in the laundry room. I’m okay. Are you?”

  There was no answer. He only squeezed me tighter to him, slightly cutting off my oxygen supply.

  I caught sight of Nick over Andrew’s shoulder. His eyes were wide and he was shaking his head. “What happened?” I mouthed at him. Nick shrugged.

  Eventually, Andrew let me go. When he pulled back I looked him in the face. There was a haunted quality to his eyes. All I wanted to do was take the pain from him. If only I knew how. Like Nick said earlier, the best thing I could do was to be there for him.

  “I’m fine.” He ran his hand through his hair again and flopped onto the couch, apparently finished with the conversation.

  The silence was a little overwhelming, but so was the situation he was in. I decided to let it go, figuring when he wanted to talk, he would. Until then I had to be patient, a virtue that didn’t come naturally to me. Angie and Andrew usually kept me grounded, but with Angie gone and Andrew being the one needing my patience, I was going to need to dig deep. And maybe vent to Nick every once in a while.

 
“Did you order the pizza?” I asked Nick.

  “Yep. Should be here any minute.”

  With a deep breath, I calmed myself, trying to let go of everything that had happened in the last few minutes, and sat down on the couch next to Andrew. Gazing across the room, I tried to figure out what he was focused on. Most likely it was nothing, since he got the same look when he was deep in thought. I slipped my hand into his, entwining our fingers, and his gaze drifted to mine, a slight smile lifting the corners of his mouth. But as quickly as it came, it disappeared again, and his focus was back across the room.

  The pizza arrived a few minutes later and that seemed to pull him out of his thoughts. The conversation between the three of us wasn’t life shattering, but at least for those few minutes he wasn’t locked in his head.

  “Do you want to come down and help me get the laundry?” I figured if he came down with me, whatever had freaked him out before wouldn’t bother him.

  “Sure. There’s probably a ton after a whole week.”

  “It wasn’t too bad but if you help, we can get it done twice as fast.”

  He followed me down to the laundry and helped fold everything. The problem was when we got back upstairs and he retreated to the bedroom without so much as a word. Something had changed between last night when we went to bed, and that morning when we woke up. Whatever it was, I was just hoping he’d talk to me about it soon. Deciding to let him be, I stayed in the living room with Nick.

  “What the hell was that earlier?” I whispered when I finally caught his attention.

  He looked around the room and lowered his voice. “I have no idea. I told him you went down to the laundry, but you’d be back.”

  “That is what I told you.”

  “Then he asked how long you’d been gone. When I told him about ten minutes, he freaked. Wanted to know why I hadn’t gone to look for you when you didn’t come right back up. I tried to tell him the machine probably stopped again and you were waiting for it to be done, but he just wasn’t having it. That’s when he called you.”

  “It was different. I’ve only ever seen Andrew like that after I’ve already flipped out on him.”

  “In all of the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen anything like that.” Nick seemed as baffled as I was as to why Andrew would react so extremely to something so simple, which went some way to assuring me that I wasn’t being unreasonable.

  “I think he’s still upset and he’s trying to find a way to release his pain without burdening anyone.”

  “You’re probably right. We just need to have patience.”

  I scoffed. “Something I don’t have very much of.”

  He blinked. “Well, you did today. I fully expected to hear you screaming through the phone.”

  “It took everything I had not to.”

  “See, you can do it when you want to. You’ll just have to think before you speak. And if you need to vent, you know where to find me.” He winked.

  “Thanks, Nick.” I gave him a quick hug. “I’m going to head to bed. Andrew kept me up most of the night, tossing and turning. I could use a good night’s sleep.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Getting up, I went down the hall to the bedroom. The light was already off and Andrew was snoring softly in bed. All of this had taken such a toll on him.

  I tiptoed into the room and changed, before quietly slipping into bed next to him. As I drifted off to sleep, I could only hope that we all made a step forward tomorrow.

  Unfortunately, the next day Andrew was just as quiet and brooding, the only difference being that Andrew didn’t even bother getting showered or dressed, leaving his glasses on all day. It was so unlike him. Andrew wasn’t the kind of guy who picked a shirt off the floor and smelled it to decide whether it was clean enough to wear again. If it was on the floor, he wasn’t wearing it. The glasses I could kind of understand, but he hated wearing them—even on his days off he took the time to put his contacts in. Even though I’d agreed to give Andrew whatever he needed, I had to admit I wasn’t enjoying the silence, or the fact that he was keeping his hands to himself. It wasn’t about sex. It was as simple as the casual touches we usually shared. They were non-existent. Unless I initiated it, it was “hands off.”

  By Monday morning I was more than ready to get out of the house and go back to work. Nick and I were trying the best we could, but we weren’t always sure what to do, especially with Andrew being so withdrawn. Hopefully, he’d snap out of it. It was up to him though. As much as I wanted to take his pain, I couldn’t grieve for him.

  When it came time to leave that morning a part of me felt a bit guilty, but it was a chance for him to be alone and work through his emotions. He was still curled up asleep in bed when I went to the living room. Nick was grabbing a cup of coffee before heading out the door.

  “Here.” He handed me a travel mug. “I made a cup for you too.”

  “Thanks,” I said, taking the cup. I gave our door one quick glance before I picked up my keys.

  “You’re worried about leaving him.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, but I think he needs some time alone to think. He’s been in his head so much the last few days. At least, since we got back from his parents’ house.”

  “He’ll come around.”

  “I hope it’s sooner rather than later,” I said as we reached the cars.

  “Don’t worry. He’ll be fine, and if he needs you he knows where to find you.”

  “True.” I opened my driver’s door. “Don’t work too hard.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. I won’t,” he chuckled and climbed into the front seat of his car.

  The whole day moved by pretty quickly. There was so much I had to catch-up on since I’d been out for over a week at that point. With all of the work on my desk, I decided to stay an extra hour, making sure to text Andrew so he didn’t freak-out, and adding that I would make dinner when I got home.

  Andrew: Sounds good

  At least his text messages sounded normal. When I’d gotten through all my brain could take for the day, I grabbed my stuff and got in my car to go home. To be honest, I was a little anxious to see Andrew. I knew it was selfish, but I wanted my Andrew back. The moment I walked into the apartment, I dropped my bag and sat down on the couch. I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I got home.

  “Hey, baby.” Andrew came strolling into the living room. The words were right, but his voice sounded off.

  “Hi, honey. How was your day?”

  His mouth split into a wide grin. “Interethting.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you? And why do you suddenly have a lisp?”

  “Ask him what he did today.”

  I hadn’t noticed Nick leaning against the wall at the end of the hallway. He was studying his hands, but his posture said he was anything but bored. They were starting to worry me.

  Andrew put his hands up when I looked back at him. “Don’t freak-out.”

  “Too late. Now tell me why you’re talking funny.”

  He opened his mouth, I thought to speak, but instead he stuck his tongue out at me. I was ready to jump over the coffee table and throttle the life out of him when I noticed the little silver ball sitting on top of his tongue. My mouth dropped open in shock.

  “You got your tongue pierced?”

  Had I stepped into the Twilight Zone and missed the sign? Andrew had his tongue pierced. The only guy I knew who’d managed to go through four years of college, on the football team, without getting even one tattoo now had a tongue piercing?

  “Yep. I’ve alwayth wanted one.”

  “You’ve always wanted to stick a giant needle through your tongue for fun?”

  He nodded, a little more excited about all of this that I expected.

  “Umm . . . okay. Why now?”

  “I’m tired of not doing thingth I want ’cauthe I worry what thomeone elthe might think.”

  “And I guess you’re not worried about what I might think.”
It wasn’t the piercing I minded—hell, when it healed it would probably be pretty damn sexy. My main concern was that he’d wanted it, but never told me. How many other things had he kept to himself?

  He came over and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “It’th not like that. I alwayth care about what you think. Thith wath thomething I’ve wanted forever but wath too afraid. If you really hate it, I’ll take it out.”

  Well, when he offered that, how could I stay upset? It just showed me that my opinion did matter.

  “No, if it’s something you want then keep it. I’ll get used to it. Besides, it might be really sexy.” I gave him a pointed look, his eyes immediately dropping to my core. The heat spread through my body, making my insides clench. Then a whole new thought occurred to me, dousing my desire pretty quickly.

  “What are you going to do about work?”

  “I got a clear ball for the top and the thwelling thould go down by the time I go back to work.”

  In the back of my mind there were warning bells going off, but I chose to ignore them. Something told me this wasn’t the end of Andrew’s new adventures and I promised myself I’d ask him about that when we went to bed later.

  Over the next few days, I worked my ass off trying to get caught up. Unfortunately, by the end of the week the long hours were starting to get to me, and I still hadn’t talked to Andrew about the other things “he’d always wanted to do.” Each night, the moment my head hit the pillow I was asleep. By the end of the week I was downright exhausted. Some of it was mental stress over Andrew. Some days were good . . . others, not so much.

  A week after the tongue piercing he came home with dragon tattoo covering his upper arm and shoulder. I had a feeling I was in for more surprises. On the good days he was the man I’d agreed to marry. On the bad days, it was like someone else had taken over his body. He became very pensive and quiet, going most of the day without talking to anyone. I convinced him to go spend time with his dad, saying he could help him get stuff taken care of, things that had been left since the funeral. Either way, it was eight at night on a Friday and, yet again, I was dozing off on the couch.