Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “That’s perfect!” I replied as we walked toward the cages in the back. The familiar barking and meowing greeted us. It never got old hearing it. I thanked God, as I always did when I walked up the path to the office, for bringing this into my life when I needed an outlet the most.

  “Good morning,” Norma called to the office staff. They were meandering around, updating the adoption boards and restocking the information tables with pamphlets for the customers we would receive today. They all had good hearts, but liked to gossip more than work.

  The veterinary technicians were my favorite people to work with. Since they worked day in and day out with the animals, it had allowed me to learn so much from working there. I had learned all the little gimmicks and home remedies that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. I couldn’t wait to own an animal. But it would never happen while I lived under Tony’s roof.

  “Hi, Char,” one of the techs greeted me.

  I waved to her and walked to where she was standing.

  “Do you want to help muck the stalls today?” she asked me.

  “Muck the what?” I looked at her, completely dumbfounded.

  “Have you ever worked with the bigger animals? The horses and goats?”

  I shook my head. I had never been asked to help care for the bigger animals, but had always secretly wanted to. The horses looked mystical. They were so beautiful and majestic due to their size. I was slightly intimidated by them, but more eager to learn so I refused to let my reservations sway me.

  The horses weren’t there for adoption. I had learned that very early on when I had asked about it. I knew horses were expensive to buy. I had asked for one when I was young and was immediately told no and the number one reason why—“too fucking expensive.” They were there for therapy. Apparently, other animals, mainly dogs that had been abused, tended to gravitate toward the larger animals. And they helped ease the smaller animals’ worries. The goats? They had wandered in and never left. They were merely there for people to enjoy while visiting the shelter.

  I was shown where all the rakes and wheelbarrows were. I was shown how to shovel the shit, deposit it into the wheelbarrow, and then wheel it over to the dumpster. Now that I knew how to do all the steps, it all seemed less glamorous than I had originally thought. I didn’t mind cleaning up excrement from the animals; hell, it’s all I did. But the bigger the animal, the bigger the mess.

  I started to hum to myself as I scooped up more poop than I ever thought possible. How did they go so much? I would just finish scooping and then they would let loose again. I started to laugh in spite of myself. There was no way to keep up.

  I found my mind wandering to the evening ahead of me… dinner with Sean and Laurie, how awkward. I didn’t want to go but knew I had no reason valid enough to escape. Tony would never take no for an answer. It didn’t matter how miniscule the request was, it was never a request. And no was never an option.

  I felt my phone vibrate in the back pocket of my jeans and it made me jump a mile, I had completely forgotten about it.

  I pulled it out and looked at my new message. I felt my heart freeze when I saw it was from Tony. It was an automatic reflex, I couldn’t control my reaction.

  Laurie is on her way. She’ll be there in a half hour. You better be nice to her!

  I gulped as I read his message. It was so easy to lose track of time while I was there. It’s one of the reasons I loved the shelter. It allowed you to just disappear. It was already a quarter past noon so I was hopeful that Norma would be ready to leave. I quickly deposited my now-empty wheelbarrow and scooper and then headed to look for Norma. I passed the cat hallway and the dog hallway without seeing her anywhere. I hoped she was in the front office. I had no other place to look. I heard Norma’s laughter as I approached and felt an instant relief.

  “There you are!” she exclaimed. “Ready to go?”

  I nodded and followed her to the car. I had twenty minutes to get home and the ride usually only took ten, so hopefully I was safe.

  I thanked Norma, when she pulled up in front of my house and noticed a car already there. Great! Laurie had beaten me home. My heart pounded in my chest, bruising itself on my ribcage as I raced up to meet her. The last thing I needed was for her to tell Tony I hadn’t been there when she arrived.

  I walked up the pathway and noticed she was nowhere to be seen. Tony must have given her a key, which for some reason irritated me. How dare he?

  “Hello,” I called out as I opened the door. I was surprised to see Laurie coming down the stairs.

  “Hi! You must be Charlotte. I’ve heard so much about you. I was just dropping off Tony’s dry-cleaning upstairs. I hope that’s okay.” She smiled at me but it didn’t reach her eyes. When I looked at her eyes, I could tell she didn’t like me and it made my inner alarm bells go off.

  “I guess I’ll see you tonight,” she said and left.

  It was a strange encounter and one I chalked up to just not knowing her.

  ***

  By the time Tony came home, I was waiting for him on the couch in the living room, as his text requested.

  I heard the front door and immediately stood up so that I was ready for Tony. I was taken by surprise when Sean walked through the door with him.

  “Hello,” I greeted them both and was even more surprised when Tony kissed me on the cheek. I gave him a look that silently said what the fuck? and he immediately squeezed my upper arm in warning. I guess we were supposed to play the happy couple in front of everyone for the evening.

  I had forgotten because Sean already knew how deranged our relationship was. I had called him less than a week ago after that night at the restaurant where the waiter had supposedly flirted with me. Now Tony wouldn’t give me my car keys and he had left me with nothing to do but sit at home all damn day.

  Part of me wondered if Sean still doubted how Tony was with me. I mean, I had completely caught him off guard less than a week ago with my revelations. He seemed to believe me, yet there I was, acting like the happy couple with good ‘ol boy Tony Paulette.

  “Hi, Sean,” I greeted him.

  He looked like he was sick with worry; his eyes asked me if I were okay. I nodded in response and gave him a reassuring smile, which seemed to ease his mind. Even though he appeared to relax, he never kept his eyes off me, watching my every move. My paranoia began to kick in, thinking he was watching me because he thought I had lied about everything, but the concern in his eyes made me believe otherwise.

  We immediately took off for the restaurant; Laurie was meeting us there.

  “So, you’re interested in Laurie?” I couldn’t resist asking Sean.

  He shot me a look. “Not really. Tony here insisted that I meet her, which is just the type of good friend he is,” he said in a slight sarcasm that only I seemed to pick up on. Tony remained seated with a smile on his face, assuming his friend’s words were meant as a compliment.

  I stayed quiet until we reached the restaurant. I didn’t want to converse with either of them. I just wanted the backseat to swallow me up so I didn’t have to continue with this façade.

  Laurie was there, waiting, and informed us all that a table had been prepared. They were only waiting for the rest of the party to arrive. I couldn’t help but notice the way she only spoke to Tony, but that could have been because they worked together and she was familiar with him. But she continued to cling to his side and he never stopped her.

  Once we were finally at the table and seated, I had Tony on one side and Sean on the other. Laurie was siting across from me, on Sean’s other side. One would think with the two of them sitting next to each other that they would have an easier time talking. But no. It was hard to have a conversation with either Laurie or Tony since they seemed to have eyes only for each other. Not to mention, they monopolized the conversation, only speaking with each other in their legal mumbo jumbo.

  Our drinks had been served and both Sean and I just sat there, sipping at them and listening to Laurie�
��s obnoxious laugh. We finally looked at each other, making eye contact, and I found myself swimming in pools of amber. He made a funny face and I couldn’t help but laugh at him. That caught the others’ attention.

  “What’s so funny?” Tony asked with a threatening voice, looking right at me.

  “I was about to ask you the same question,” Sean interjected. “I thought we were all coming out to dinner, yet the two of you seem to be off in your own little legal world, leaving the rest of us mere mortals out of the conversation.”

  Tony snapped his eyes to Sean and then gave a quick nod. “Sorry. We’ve been living and breathing this case since it fell into our laps and I guess it’s hard to leave it in the courtroom.” His response was directed at Sean, void of the anger his voice had just held toward me.

  “So, Sean, Tony tells me that you two are longtime friends?”

  Sean nodded. “Yes… all the way back to our college years.”

  Laurie looked over to Tony and smiled, placing her hand on his bicep in a loving gesture. That caught my attention and made my spine go stiff. It was the way she looked at my husband that made me feel nauseous.

  “I’d love to hear some stories,” she continued.

  Tony smiled his flirtatious grin and shook his head in modesty. “No you don’t, sweetheart. No one wants to hear those stories.”

  Sweetheart? I had never heard him call another woman sweetheart in the entire time I had known him. He had never even used that endearment on me. It once again made me question their relationship, and again, made me question why he decided to set up a dinner for her and Sean.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” I stood from my chair and headed to the back corner for a little break. I knew Tony would order my food for me whether I was sitting there or not, so it didn’t matter that I was gone from the table.

  The second I got inside the bathroom doors, little miss perfect followed me in as well. She looked around the space as I eyed her in curiosity. Once she was satisfied that we were alone, she turned to me and smiled. It was the same way she had smiled at me back at the house when she was dropping off Tony’s clothes.

  “I know you know. I can see it in your eyes,” she stated with a false sense of kindness. She leaned her hip against the vanity top and stared at me, almost daring me to respond to her.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t play dumb, Charlotte. Any wife would wonder why her husband is so enamored with a beautiful woman. I would be shocked if you hadn’t suspected something going on between me and Tony.”

  I swallowed hard, needing an extra second to gather my thoughts. “I don’t understand, Laurie. Did you follow me in here to confirm my suspicions that you are indeed fucking my husband?”

  She let out a condescending laugh. “I don’t need to confirm anything. But just know, one day soon, you’ll be out of the picture and he will no longer be your husband. You won’t have any claim over him.”

  I wanted to scream, good! Take him! No need to wait until one day soon, have him tonight! But instead, I simply nodded my head and looked over to the door. I couldn’t look at her until I had the right words to say. I knew she would take anything that came out of my mouth back to Tony, and I didn’t need to give him any reason to fly off the handle. So, I stood and waited until the right opportunity to say what needed to be said.

  “No woman should have to go through this,” she continued, catching my attention again. “I actually feel really bad for you. He’s a great guy, one of the best; there’s no way you could have really expected him to stick around forever. You had to have known that refusing to give him children while doing nothing for the relationship other than using his hard earned money on frivolous things would only lead him to stray.”

  I wanted to laugh at her absurdities, but I didn’t. “I guess I just thought that love would be enough,” I said to her in an emotionless tone that echoed off the tiles around us. “You think you’ll be enough for him?”

  She smiled wickedly at me. “I know I will. Once I get you out of the picture, there will be nothing stopping us from being together. And I plan to give him anything and everything he wants.”

  What in the ever living fuck did I just walk into?

  “What do you mean by getting me out of the picture?” I had to know.

  “Tony tells me about how you won’t leave. He’s tried to leave you before but you threaten suicide if he leaves. He’s told me how he’s stuck with you. I have my ways of making sure you’re gone for good. We’ve talked about it. He said he wants no part in it, but wouldn’t stop me when the time is right.”

  I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and shout until someone finally heard me. Either this woman was insane or extremely weak. Tony was a master when it came to manipulating people, especially women, so my guess was that she was weak and ate up his every word.

  “Are you threatening me with something?” I asked, finding some amount of strength to get the words out without shaking.

  “Nope,” she said and popped the P like the child she seemed to be. “Tony hates violence. I’m just letting you know that if you don’t walk away, I will simply have you removed.”

  “Tony hates violence?” The laughter wouldn’t hold back. It came bubbling up with every word of my question. Wow. He really did a number on her if he had her believing that. But then the laughter died and the tears began to stab at the backs of my eyes, realizing what it all meant.

  Laurie smiled once more at me before walking out of the room, leaving me with my thoughts.

  Tony didn’t hit her. If she believed that he didn’t care for violence, then that only meant he had never struck her. That realization sent a cold shiver down my spine. He only hit me. It once again made me feel that it was something about me that set him off. He had always told me that I had the ability to push his buttons, that everything was always my fault when it came to his anger. Was he right? Was I doing something wrong?

  He had her believing that I refused to give him children, which wasn’t completely false, but it was certainly not the truth, either. I had decided long ago that I didn’t want to bring a child into Tony’s world. But at the same time, Tony didn’t want any children, either. One night during his apology tour for some punishment he had inflicted upon me, he confessed that he didn’t want to carry on the hate. He told me himself that he didn’t want to have children because he didn’t want to ruin their lives with his anger and temper. I didn’t argue with him because I was in total agreement. I just didn’t confess that part to him.

  It was obvious he had played Laurie the same way he had once played me. The only question left was why Tony would bring her to dinner and introduce her to Sean if he had no intention of actually hooking them up? It made no sense. The only thing I could come up with was that it was just another way for him to manipulate everyone. Just another game for him to play.

  I cleared my face, wanting to look as normal as possible when I made my way back to the table. But once I opened the door and saw Sean leaning against the wall in front of me, my walls broke down, once again. I collapsed into his arms and let him comfort me. I didn’t know how, but Sean knew that I needed him. He was such a good friend, one that I never wanted to let go of.

  “Hey, it’s okay. Just ignore them. We’ll get through the night just fine.”

  I looked up at him and found solace in his eyes, in the way they were looking at me and not through me. He saw me, and not the way that everyone else saw me. He knew me better than anyone, and I found comfort in knowing that.

  “For the rest of dinner, let’s play a game. I’ll drink every time he looks at her, and you can take a drink every time she looks at him. We’ll both be so hammered by the time our dinner shows up that it won’t bother you at all anymore.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at him. He always had a way of making me feel better.

  Always.

  October 1st, 2014

  We
had just arrived home from dinner out with Tony’s clients and he was pissed. I had supposedly been flirting with the waiter or something. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He had been in a foul mood since we left and I was scared to bring anything up. I had hoped he would just sulk to himself and then come to the realization that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

  But I knew that was just wishful thinking.

  As soon as the door closed, he turned to me, face red with anger and his black eyes so dark I couldn’t tell where his pupil ended and his iris began. It was a bad sign, but I kept quiet, not needing to egg him on.

  “Do I not give you enough attention that you have to flirt with another man right in front of me? Huh?” he screamed when I hadn’t answered. “Take a long look in the mirror, slut. You should be lucky I even gave you the time of day when I did. You look like an old hag now. No man would ever find you attractive, no matter how much you flirt with them. If you find a man to fuck you, it’s because he’s desperate. That’s the only reason I even touch you… when my hand no longer does the trick.” He smiled and laughed wickedly. “Or when my others aren’t available.”

  I knew he had only mentioned his “others” to get to me. Much like his mention of how ugly I was and how I couldn’t find another man that would find me remotely attractive. I tried blocking out his words, not wanting him to see how they affected me. But my eyes started to well with tears no matter how much I willed them not to.

  “No man… and I mean NO man will ever touch you. Do you understand me?” he yelled, inches away from my face so that I could feel the moisture of his words on my skin.

  I nodded, not needing to say anything in return. Whatever words I uttered would be wrong anyway.

  “You are nothing but a dumb cunt. Fucking trash is what you are. Without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be living in those dorms eating stale bread and peanut butter. I saved you. I made you into someone that can walk down a busy street and actually look like you’re someone important. But we all know you’re not. You are nothing without me. If I left you right now, you’d be nothing again. No job, no money, nothing! Think about that the next time you decide to eye-fuck a stranger with my ring on your finger.”