American Honey

by Heidi McLaughlin

  The ugly snarl on her face is just enough encouragement to make me fall back into Finn’s body. The feel of his hard chest against my back feels like home. In this moment, I realize there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I’m here to fight for my chance at a normal life again, like a warrior; I’ll give it my all.

  “Let’s go out on the boat,” Finn whispers down into my neck.

  Turning around, I fling my arms around his neck and kiss him. Finn nearly pulls back from shock, but quickly recovers with one swipe of his tongue along my lips.

  “Jump up into my arms,” he whispers into my mouth.

  “I can’t,” I say, pulling slightly away from him.

  “You can. I’ll catch you. I promise, Tessa.”

  “Finn, my leg. I can’t do it.”

  “Tessa, jump.”

  His words, his presence and the promise I just made him all swirl around inside until my legs steady just enough under me that I take the leap and jump up into his arms. A scream escapes my lips when my feet leave the ground. My common sense kicks in and is shocked by my actions. I feel Finn’s arms wrap around my back while my arms fly around his neck.

  “Finn,” I squeal.

  “See, I told you that I’d catch you.”

  “I can’t believe I just did that.”

  “Let’s go for a ride. I want to take you to a special place.”

  “Kiss me again,” I whisper.

  Finn doesn’t ask questions, rather just gets right down to business. My fingers run through his shaggy hair while my tongue dances in his mouth.

  Pulling back from his lips, I whisper, “I need you again.”

  “Me too, baby.”

  “No, I need you right now.”

  Finn swings us around and heads straight for his boat.

  “Hey, we are you two going?” I hear Will ask.

  Neither of us answers him as we both giggle like two giddy teenagers.

  “I’m starting to think this is going to be the best summer of my life,” I say as Finn sets us down in the driver’s seat.

  “Oh baby, in about thirty minutes, you’ll be screaming my name and have no doubt about this summer being the best ever.”

  Finn flips his cap backwards, starts the boats engine and takes off with me still on his lap.

  “Isn’t this dangerous?” I ask.

  “I’ve been driving a boat since I was seven,” he replies.

  “What?” I yell over the engine.

  “My granddaddy always took me fishing and would let me drive. We’ll pass the backside of our farm in a bit. I’ll point it out.”

  I desperately want to keep both of my hands on Finn, but my hair keeps whipping in every freaking direction making it hard to talk to Finn. He finally picks up on my problem and plops his hat on me.

  Finally, with my hair out of the way and both hands where they want to be I can ask questions.

  “So, your granddaddy is a farmer?”

  “Yep,” he answers kissing me.

  “Do you farm with him?”

  “Yep,” he answers again with another kiss.

  “And you love farming?”

  “Yep,” he replies again with a kiss.

  “I know all this because Will told me.”

  “Yep,” he replies with a kiss.

  “You jerk! Are you even listening to me?”

  “Yep,” he says and doesn’t forget the kiss.

  “Finn, I don’t understand because the day in the office it seemed like you and your dad were best friends.”

  Finn goes to answer my question, and I immediately feel bad for prying into such rough issues when we just barely figured everything out.

  “Wait,” I interrupt him, “kiss me first.”

  I feel the boat slow down and then the motor dies. Finn stands up, walking us towards the back of the boat and lays me down on a long bench. His body covers mine and when we are nose to nose, he begins to talk.

  “My dad is pissed that I never went to college. He’s pissed I want to farm with my granddaddy. My family owns this town and he’s dead set on me owning my own business. He wants nothing to do with my mom’s side of the family and it kills him that I do. Farming is in my blood. My momma loved that farm and so do I. Dad makes it all look great for the community, but yeah, someone like Will, whose lived here forever and rents office space from him, would know the whole story.”

  “He wants you with Kara,” the words leave my mouth before I even realize.

  They are the cold hard truth and the thought that makes seeing Kara even harder. Finn is supposed to be with her, building a future and making beautiful babies.

  “I’m supposed to be a dentist or pharmacist, too. I’m not. I’m just the good old boy who loves life and is going to follow in his granddaddy’s footsteps.”

  I don’t have any more words to speak because the truth is Finn is out of my league. His father would be disgusted to know his son has fallen for the crippled nurse in town.

  “Look at me,” I hear his voice again. “I want you, Tessa, and I do get everything I want.”

  “I’m just not right for you, Finn.”

  “Where is this all coming from?” He asks getting even closer to my lips.

  “It’s the truth. I just look into the future and don’t see us making it.”

  “I don’t think it’s your decision to decide.”

  “I won’t be able to walk away from you a whole person, Finn.”

  “Why do you think you’ll ever have to walk away?”

  “Good things never happen to me.”

  “Ever think this may be your happy ever after?”

  “I want it to be,” I whisper.

  “Then let’s get started telling our story, Tess.”

  I giggle at him calling me Tess. It doesn’t last long before his lips are on mine. I feel his hands roam up and down my side before he has me sitting up in his lap, and he’s stripping my clothes off. Looking around, while Finn kisses his way down my neck, I realize we are in the middle of a rocky cove with no one for miles.

  Throwing back my head, I feel Finn begin to write our story upon my skin.

  Chapter 7

  Quite the Catch

  “Finn,” I scream. “I caught something.”

  Rocky bounds over to see what’s going on. I’ve grown to love Finn’s puppy after our horrible first meeting.

  “Pull back on your rod,” Finn shouts.

  “Hurry,” I scream.

  Turning my head, I watch as Finn tries to run as fast as he can back to the shore with beer and chips filling his arms.

  “Finn!”

  “Calm your ass down, it’s not like you caught a shark.”

  “Oh my God, I bet it’s the biggest fish ever,” I say, as the tip of the pole bends even closer to the water.

  “Reel it in,” Finn says.

  “You have to catch it when it comes up out of the water. I don’t want it to hit my face.”

  Finn just laughs at me, but I keep reeling the fish in. This is our routine every night. I get off work and meet him at his granddaddy’s fishing pond. Some nights Finn isn’t finished working so I’ll join him or sit on the porch with Granddaddy Jimmy. Secretly, I love sitting with him. There’s just something about his words that have the power to soothe everything in my soul. He loves telling stories about Finn’s mom and I love hearing them. Neither Wes nor Finn ever talk about her.

  “Jerk on your pole a little and keep reeling, baby.”

  “I know,” I scream.

  Finally, a dark blob comes sailing out of the water on the end of my pole. I holler and begin a victory dance celebrating the fact something is attached to the end of my pole. When all the commotion stops, I finally see the fish hanging from the end of the line. It’s no bigger than the size of my hand. My smile instantly fades.

  “It’s a beauty,” Finn says.

  “Shut up.”

  Finn begins to chuckle which turns into a full belly laugh.

  “You really t
hought you had a shark, uh?”

  “Shut up, asshole.”

  Finn’s laughter doesn’t stop. I start swinging my pole at him trying to hit him upside the head with my fish.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he repeats, holding up his hands in surrender.

  “Can we take it home? I want to show Jimmy,” I ask.

  “Of course.”

  Finn sits in his lounger and I find my spot on his lap. We share greasy potato chips and beers while watching the sun set and waiting for the fish to bite.

  It’s been two weeks since our promise and we haven’t missed one single day without being together. I’ve opened up and explained the wreck and Rhett. Finn just listened and wiped away my tears.

  “Can I tell you something?” I blurt out.

  “No, you can’t have my amazing, rocking body right now. I’m fishing,” Finn jokes.

  After our first official date of boating I soon found out that Finn is quite the smartass.

  “One, I bet I could seduce you right now,” I reply.

  “You’re probably right,” he admits. “It would just take you popping out those sweet little titties of yours.”

  Cutting him off, before he goes into any greater detail, I add, “Two, I just want to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you, Finn.”

  “Tessa, I fell in love with you the day we met,” he whispers.

  Before I’m able to get another word out, we both notice a tug on his fishing pole. Finn always catches at least ten fish. Tonight was my first catch. I typically give up way too easy and just find a spot in his lap while he snags them, but tonight has been a quiet night of fishing with me only catching one. There’s been lots of beers thrown back, though, and I finally understand the whole fishing thing. It’s just time to decompress from the rest of the world.

  Finn pulls back on his pole and begins reeling in the fish and when his catch finally surfaces from the pond, I’m unable to hold back my laughter. It’s even smaller than mine. Immediately, I run to the cooler to grab mine and compare it to his.

  “Finn, oh my God, my fish is bigger than yours. I didn’t think they came any smaller than mine.”

  “Shut up and get your ass in the truck,” he growls.

  His hidden smile isn’t lost on me, and I know, deep down, he loves all of this.

  One night, he explained to me the reasons behind wanting to stay on the farm with Granddaddy, and it was centered around his mother. She was an amazing person, and I love hearing all of Finn’s memories. The only time he’s ever teared up is when he admitted most of the memories would be lost if it wasn’t for his granddaddy retelling the stories.

  “We have to go show Granddaddy,” I squeal getting into the truck.

  “You two will never let me live this one down, will you?”

  “Nope.”

  From the driver’s seat, Finn grabs my cheek and begins to speak, “Tessa, I love you with everything I have. In the beginning of all this you were scared you’d be the one walking away with a broken heart, but now my biggest fear is that I’ll be the one walking away with the broken heart.”

  I don’t know how to respond to Finn’s statement, so I don’t. I can’t promise him anything besides just this summer. I still have no clue where I’m going when summer is over. My original plans were to throw a dart at a map, move there and begin my nursing career, but that was all before Finn. I can only hold Finn’s hand while he drives and pray this all works for both of us.

  Pulling up to Granddaddy Jimmy’s place, I immediately recognize Finn’s dad on the porch. I haven’t run into him since the day he fixed my tooth. Since then I’ve learned way too much to be able to even look at the man much rather hold a conversation.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Finn says.

  “Why do you think he is here?” I ask.

  “All I know is it can’t be good.”

  We both hop out of the truck and I go for the cooler while Finn walks up to the porch.

  “What did ya catch tonight, kids?”

  I hear Jimmy’s voice.

  “We just caught two fish,” Finn replies.

  “Well, I guess you two aren’t eating tonight because this old man is hungry and two fish is about my limit,” Jimmy jokes back.

  Finn takes the seat next to his granddaddy while making no attempt to talk or look at his dad. I know there’s been added tension since we’ve started hanging out. Finn hasn’t come right out and told me, but Wes has. I feel extremely guilty for adding more drama to their plate.

  I usually just go bounding right up the porch and make myself at home. Tonight is different. The tension in the air could be felt miles away. I stop at the foot of the steps and look up at the three men. Grudges, hatred and old pain fill all three of their faces, and it immediately breaks my heart. Tears spring to my eyes knowing I don’t even have my parents in my life, nor will I ever have the chance to have both of them sitting on a front porch with me, and here these three sit.

  I watch as Granddaddy gets up, walks towards me and grabs my hand leading me up to the porch to sit by Finn.

  “What do you think you’re doing, son?”

  His dad blurts out before I can even sit down next to Finn.

  “Dad, we’re not going to talk about this again.”

  “Yes, we are. You need some fucking common sense knocked into you.”

  “It didn’t get us anywhere yesterday. Why would it today?”

  Finn never told me he talked to his dad yesterday. I wonder how many times he’s visited with him. It makes me sick to think he can’t talk to me about it. I grab his hand and whisper, “I love you” to him. I notice Granddaddy’s nod of approval at my move, and I know he will always be here for us. Always.

  “You could carry out any legacy you wanted in this town, be with Kara and have a life worth living, but you choose this,” his dad says, throwing his arms up in the air.

  Finn jumps to his feet, rushing to his dad and his finger is pointing straight at his dad’s chest. “You can hate this place because it reminds you of her. You can resent me because I still choose to love my mom out loud. You can hate all of it. Just do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone. I love Tessa, this farm and nothing will change that.”

  “You’re going to regret this,” his dad replies.

  We all watch as Dr. Evans walks away from the porch. It’s a picture that’s hard to swallow because he resembles Finn in every way from the good looks and build, but the two couldn’t be any different from each other.

  “I’m proud of you, son,” Jimmy finally speaks after Dr. Evans’ Lexus is out of view.

  Finn is still seething pissed off and pacing the porch. He doesn’t respond to his granddaddy, and I wonder if he even heard his words.

  “He’s going to push you and Finn. This place reminds him too much of your mother. Her spirit lives in you and that hurts him. Your dad does love you, Finn. Sometimes life’s circumstances cause us to make poor choices and he’s just fighting his own demons.”

  “I’m going to fucking hit the bastard the next time he brings up Kara or demeans my relationship with Tessa,” Finn finally says.

  I feel like he has forgotten that I’m sitting right here with the words he just spoke. He’s still pacing back and forth. My gut tells me that my name came up a time or two yesterday in their conversation.

  “He can never take your love of Tessa away. You can’t let him poison you by getting you so upset,” Granddaddy replies.

  “He’s hell bent on ruining me,” Finn says.

  There it is. Finn’s biggest fear is now out and floating among the three of us. He finally drops back down into his chair completely defeated. I still feel invisible to him.

  “Like I said, son, life has a funny way of creating monsters without even knowing it.”

  Jimmy nods his head in my direction, signaling me to say something, and I freeze. My only coping strategy I’ve developed over the last few years is avoidance. Avoiding anything and eve
rything that brings up pain in my life. Will is always there trying to get me to release a bit of it, but I’ve mastered the tactic of avoiding the truth at all cost.

  Standing to my feet, I push back on Finn’s shoulders and sit down on his lap.

  “So, Jimmy, we caught two fish. That’s right I said we. I caught the biggest one. Look,” I say.

  Opening the cooler, I pull out the two fish with the biggest smile on my face. And wonder why fishing can’t be like real life. Simple, relaxing and honest.

  “Those things won’t even be enough meat to make one fish stick,” Jimmy replies and all three of us laugh at his words.

  Chapter 8

  Time to Jump

  Finn’s slight snoring is comforting. I couldn’t leave him tonight after witnessing the showdown between him and his dad. I helped Jimmy fix up the tiny fish for dinner. We also made burgers and a green salad since the fish were basically an appetizer. Finn disappeared while we cooked, and I could only guess it was to decompress fully from the night’s events.

  Something Jimmy said to me while we cooked is still haunting me hours later.

  “Finn needs you. If you aren’t ready to fully stand up for him, you need to let him know. The boy lost one love of his life. I don’t think he has it in him to lose another.”

  His words brought me to tears, and I cried right in the middle of his kitchen. Will has always tried to fill the void of my parents, but he’s more like a big brother to me than anything else. Jimmy, on the other hand, is so fatherly I wanted to pour out all my fears right there in the kitchen with him. I desperately wanted to share all of my pain, fears and just how broken of a person I am. Then maybe he could see that I’m a strong enough woman to be there for Finn.

  “Baby,” Finn’s groggy voice drags me from my thoughts.

  Finn is laid out on his back with me clinging to his side.

  “Yeah,” I whisper.

  “Why are you crying?”